Disclaimer: I in no way own JKR's works, or the songs in Chicago for that matter. I am merely an apprentice. This goes for every song-filk I do as well.

Chapter one: "When You Mess with Filchy"

I never thought I'd do a filk on Filch, but here it is; poor guy, he deserves SOME recognition, right? Well this is sung to "When You're Good to Mama," from the film Chicago

*intro. Voice speaking*

And now, witches and wizards

The keeper of the cat

The shaker of the shackles

The master of torture devices

Caretaker Argus Filch!

Ask any of the students in my cell

They'll tell ya detention with me is hell

I hate them all

And all of them hate me

And so this torture works

The torture that

Is done by only meeeeee!

Got a little motto

Always sees me through:

When you're mean to Argus

He will punish you!

There are a lot of pranks

That peeves can pull on you

You pull pranks on Argus

He'll just sentence you!

They say that I'm a cooty bat

And I don't really give!

So don't you dare scare my old cat

If you want to live!

Don't you know that this hand

Can strangle that neck too

When you mess with Argus

Filch will mess with you!

If you want some gravy

Sneak on down the stairs

But if Argus finds you

You'll hang by your hair

Snape gives out detention

Kids will see me soon

You come visit Filchy

Filchy sings a tune

Albus, the nice headmaster

Is the one those brats adore

But let me have those chains again

And I'll complain no more!

Let's all get together

With a foolish crew

When you're tricking Argus

He is hurting you!

So what's the one conclusion, I can bring before you floo:

When you mess with Argus

Argus will get youuuuu!

Ha!