Title: five reasons.
Summary: five reasons why dan humphrey is bad for you.
Authors Note: I suggest if you actually ship DS then you should leave, this is sort a badly written parody. I don't mean to offend anyone, I like season one cutesy Dan and Serena then everything sort of goes downhill and they both judge each other way to much for my liking.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
i.
He's Gossip Girl.
That means two things,
One, he hates you despite your foolish attempts to making yourself believe it's a love letter written to all of you. It's more like a hate letter, spreading vicious truths and lies, ruining your chances to start afresh in any new place.
Two, he wants to be a girl. He else pretends to be another gender just so their identity is hidden. You should probably go out and buy him a cocktail dress and some lipstick - as Blair suggested of course.
You don't really care match about the time he spent behind a computer screen. You get it, you want the power, you got the power. It doesn't soften the blow, or make you cry any less. Not really, not ever.
It's not like you didn't help create the website, you all sent tips in.
It still feels as if you've been betrayed. You had thought Dan was the only good in a world so corrupt, it looks as if maybe you shouldn't go putting other people on a pedestal if you don't like being there yourself.
You look at him and all you see is: Gossip Girl. You don't see Dan anymore, that's bad. You shouldn't be thinking of your one true love as an anonymous blogger.
ii.
He says he loves all of you but does he really?
Does he like the drunk party girl side who makes mistakes, kisses who she wants, does a line of cocaine and grind with a stranger to some loud pumping music at a bar.
Does he like the part of you that hates yourself because your father left, because your mother doesn't care, because your grandmother didn't turn out to be who she said she was, because your aunt had screwed your father and screwed over your mother?
Does he like the part of you that just wants to be smart. The part of you that wants to get good grades, to achieve all your goals, to travel the world, to help others in need.
Does he like the part of you that lives in the past, in the good ole' days when you could care less about anything. Blair's screaming at you to stop!, you're ruining your dress. Nate's grinning at you shyly, you think you might love him. Chuck's laughing at the mayhem, as he adjusts his purple bowtie around his neck.
Does he like the part of you that's a bitch. Fighting with Blair, sleeping with her boyfriend (twice, same bar top.), the one that cheats and lies and schemes. The one that's just like every other upper East Side socialite.
He says he does, but do you trust him?
iii.
He's loved you for quite some time time time.
He's loved you before you even knew him, before he even knew you.
He loved you because you were pretty face amongst a crowd of pretty faces who took time out to talk to him as if he were of actual interest, while you were drunk.
Should you really be with someone that decided they loved you because of what they saw. He was a stranger, not a friend, not someone you knew.
Then again, don't all high school crushes start out that way?
And you know him now, and he knows you.
And you both love each other, right?
It's not like the fact of how he fell in love with you, then spread rumors all about you over some website, bothers you.
iv.
Your parents are in love and you share a brother.
Oops, did we forget to mention that?
Lily and Rufus are dead and gone, sure. Rufus couldn't handle Lily Rhodes, that's fine. Lily loved money more than she loved Rufus, that's fine. (lily's sick of the accusations, she loved bart, she really did. she loves william, she really does despite him you know, giving her fake cancer and all. he did it because he loved her, the same way dan created gossip girl to write a love letter to you all.)
But your brother, Scott, was it? You can barely remember that poor boy's name! Anyway, he's still alive, breathing, all that and sharing both your DNA.
The family that plays together stays together.
The two of you aren't related so being together is acceptable. The fact of sharing a half brother with each other doesn't freak you out in the slightest, or that your siblings like to refer to themselves as brother and sister due to your parents marriage and Scott.
You guess the two of you decide everything is okay with that whole Scott ordeal because you haven't seen him in like, three whole seasons. Or heard from him. Or mentioned him, or whatever.
v.
Brooklyn vs the upper East Side.
Oh yes, the tragic tale, you think with a roll of your eyes.
From different worlds because Brooklyn and the upper East Side aren't in the same city at all. Nope, they're different galaxies entirely.
Both of you hate to admit it but it still effects both of you, even though Dan's not really Brooklyn material anymore. One sighting of his Armani suit and they'll kick him to the curb, oh he'll get what he deserves.
His plaid shirts and messy hair do annoy you on some days.
Your glamorous, other worldly, designer closet and millions still annoy him on some days.
Maybe instead of being epic, you're tragic.
You've never been a fan of Romeo and Juliet.