When someone opened the door quietly, Jimmy knew at once who it was. Thomas, of course Thomas. But why? Why did he have to come here, into his room, why tonight of all nights when they had only hours before discussed about Jimmy's past? He knew he wasn't ready yet, the wall between him and the rest of the world wouldn't be there. A wall that he needed. A wall that kept men like him alive.
Maybe Thomas would go away if he just pretended to be asleep? Please go away, he thought, but instead he heard Thomas drawing nearer. What on earth was the man up to? He couldn't be… not here, not this way! But still, the man got closer and closer and Jimmy felt his own heartbeat fastening. Now Thomas was already at the edge of his bed, he heard his ragged breathing and then the bed creaked when the other man leaned in. Jimmy could feel his breathing on his cheek, oh my god, this better not be happening, he wouldn't be able to resist it at all now, oh no, not now when he had finally settled in at Downton, and… oh. Thomas's lips touched his tentatively, and Jimmy froze. Every thought that had been racing through his mind was gone, and there was nothing else in the whole world except for Thomas who was kissing him. In that second every inappropriate thought Jimmy had ever had of his co-worker came back to him, and he wanted so badly to moan, to kiss the man back, to urge him to give him more. He felt himself hardening underneath the duvet, felt Thomas desperately moving his lips a little, and Jimmy had to summon all his willpower to just stay motionless. He couldn't kiss Thomas back, no matter how much he wanted to, but he realized that if he just lied still, he could enjoy this feeling a few seconds more.
However, those seconds never came. Suddenly Alfred was there, Thomas jumped backwards, and Jimmy could no longer pretend not to be awake. He was panicking, terrified because he could see his life crumbling down in front of him, and Alfred looked disgusted, and Thomas looked too good in his white undershirt, and he really could not think about that right now. Quickly he jumped up, put his best fight face on, and did what he had to do to survive in this world.
He never forgot that night, though, or the wounded expression Thomas had had when Jimmy had crushed his hopes. Jimmy had yelled, he had threatened the man's livelihood, and just wanted him out of Downton, out of his life. He couldn't think straight with Thomas there, he could not go on and continue his façade of life. He would be forever stuck on Thomas's watchful eyes, his wry grin, the fingers that held the cigarette like a lifeline, and the voice that had visited his dreams ever since he first came to Yorkshire.
He couldn't live with Thomas there, but when the valet was really going to be gone for good, it struck him that Thomas being away, Jimmy not seeing him every day, might just be a burden even more terrible to bear. So yes, perhaps it had been a relief when his lordship had demanded that Thomas should stay. However, it just meant that he had to distract himself from the man completely: only talk to him when absolutely necessary, avoid eye contact at all costs… That he was used to, that's how he had lived his life this far as well. Still, in the back of mind, he could feel Thomas's lips on his, and wondered whether this man would be his downfall after all.
He had no idea how long he could keep himself from telling the other man how he was really feeling. How he was burning inside.