All You Had To Do Was Ask
an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: The Gromble can be pretty creative with his punishments, when he wants to be. I'm sure he enjoys inflicting physical and emotional turmoil, but if it also forces the student to do something unpleasant that HE might otherwise have to attend to, so much the better.
"RRRAAARGGH!" Ickis snarled at the little girl in the toy store. She clapped her hands delightedly.
"Buy me the bunny rabbit, mommy. It talks!" she exclaimed.
The mother shook her head. "It sounds defective, if that's the only noise it makes."
"Maybe it just needs new batteries. We can buy some, can't we? Then Little Rabbit Frou-Frou can become my newest, best toy!" she hugged Ickis so tightly he was unable to loom.
"I told you no. You already have plenty of toys, some of which you hardly play with. Now put that silly thing down and help me with my shopping, we're here to find a couple of board games to play at your cousin's birthday party, remember? If you push the cart, I'll buy you a soft pretzel at the food court." promised the mother.
The girl casually tossed Ickis back into the pile of stuffed animals. "Yay! I'll be the best helper you ever had, mommy!" she declared. Ickis groaned as he woozily crawled away.
He wished he was still crawling right now, as the Viewfinder loop ended and the entire class started laughing. He turned to the Gromble, hoping desperately to defuse the situation. "I still get points for trying, right?" he asked.
"See me after class, Master Ickis, and then you'll have your answer." the Gromble ordered.
"Ickis, I am severely disappointed you. That was the fourth botched scare THIS WEEK. I tried to contact your father, but it seems he is busy running the Iron Monster Marathon." the Gromble complained.
"143rd victory in a row, he's a shoo-in!" Ickis proudly stated.
"Be that as it may, there is still the little matter of deciding what your punishment should be. I was going to throw you in the trash compactors, but Nesdak convinced me to give you a chance to bring up your failing grade." conceded the Gromble. Ickis beamed. He'd always liked the Library Monster, even if she was sometimes a horrible judge of character. She had actually permitted Zimbo to borrow the "L" volume of the Encyclopedia Monstronica, it was no wonder that Ickis' class picture had become super-glued to the "Loser" entry.
"Thank you, your most Excellent Grombosity. I promise I will complete whatever task you assign me. Nothing is too hard for this monster!" he asserted.
"Nothing is too good for you." the Gromble quipped.
"Hey! No fair using double-meanings!" whined Ickis.
"So you do have a rudimentary grasp of the English language? That should prove quite useful while you are working for the Academy Newspaper." announced the Gromble.
Ickis frowned. That boring old piece of pulp? He never bothered to read it, except for their Annual Alumni Retrospective Issue where most of the columns were devoted to tales of Slickis' academic accomplishments. There was nothing he could do for the paper to liven it up, unless... "You're starting a comics section! Oh wow, I am the BEST artist in school. And this time, when I say the best, I'm actually not exaggerating! I drew this great series of comics where you get your brain switched with a bark-and-bite and it takes the class two weeks to notice the change, and by the time Oblina says something we've all gotten used to it so..." he babbled excitedly.
The Gromble glared at him menacingly. "I'm not turning the newspaper into a comic book! There is no place for such shenanigans in my school, and don't you ever forget it! You are to be the school's new advice columnist." he explained.
"Shouldn't you be the one giving advice, sir? It sounds like it's just bossing monsters around, that's something right up your alley." Ickis stated.
The Gromble laughed. "Master Ickis, I hear enough of you little pus-bags' problems during the days. I'm through letting them keep me up all night."
Ickis' ears drooped morosely. He had a feeling he was going to come to hate this job.
But maybe he hadn't been giving it a chance. It was mostly girls who wrote into the paper, and they had some pretty interesting things to say. Usually Oblina was the only girl who would talk to them, although half the time you could classify those talks as lectures. Dizzle sometimes spoke to him too, usually right after he'd managed to do something impressive, and she'd stop right before he bungled things up again. It was kind of fun finding out the secret things other monsters worried about. He'd always assumed he was the only one who stayed up at night wondering why everything had gone wrong and fervently hoping the next day would be better. The Advice Monster could be very supportive, and remind them of how they weren't alone, that every monster failed now and again, and that most important thing was to never stop chasing your dreams.
Dear Advice Monster,
I always thought I had the most hebopply taste in accessories, but yesterday Horrifica told me that when other monsters see me walking down the hall in heels, they think I am copying the Gromble! I'm so ashamed. My mother bought all 3 pairs for me and we both agreed I look hideous in them. Plus they make me look taller, and you don't know how few short monsters there are in class! I don't have it as bad as Ickis, of course, but I'll never measure up to Hairyette and Oblina, let alone Krumm and the Snorch. Should I just get rid of them, or should I keep wearing what I like?
Yours truly,
Gotta Cut Loose, Footloose
Ickis wasn't quite sure how to take this. Dizzle was pretty appearance-conscious, even going by what he assumed were Typical Girl Standards. She could probly do better if she spent less time worrying about trends and more time pursuing loftier goals. Still he felt she deserved an honest answer.
Dear Footloose,
I don't think it matters as much as Horrifica wants you to believe. You are a very talented young monster who is a real asset to this Academy. I've heard your wailing voice and it can be truly repulsive, if you would just work on keeping in-pitch more often. There are great breathing exercises I can recommend that can help you maintain volume while holding a steady tone. As for the shoes, it is completely a non-issue. The Gromble only wears autumn colors, and you are clearly a winter monster. I don't think you should be so quick to dismiss a present from your loving mother, particularly one which makes you happy as well. There is nothing more hebopply than just being you.
Sincerely,
The Advice Monster
Of course, for every sincere plea for help there had to be one or two jokers, just in it to cause trouble.
To The Advice Monster,
I don't normally ask for anyone else's opinion but I have this great prank planned for this stupid little red brat I go to school with. I've managed to procure a supply of this substance humans call "bubble gum" and I was wondering, if I spat a bunch of it onto his fur so it had to be scraped off and shorn in patches, is there any way I could claim it was an accident?
From the High Flier
Ickis rolled his eyes. If nothing else, this experience had taught him to start bringing an umbrella to class. He wrote his reply quickly enough, with broad angry strokes.
Dear High Flier
I think you should get a new hobby.
Sincerely,
The Advice Monster
Thankfully, it was time to move on to another letter.
D_ Adv_ Mon_
I th_ _ _ _ _ _. Wh_ _ _ _!
_ Sno_
Ickis squinted at the paper for several minutes. Either he was going to have to get stronger prescription lenses, or he was going to leave this issue unresolved.
Dear Snorch,
I'm sorry I can't read your paw-writing. Have you considered getting a type writer? Sometimes you can salvage one from the dump.
Sincerely,
The Advice Monster
But it was the next letter that really struck a chord with him.
Dear Mr. Advice Monster,
I am afraid I have a most unexpected problem. I have always been primarily concerned with my schoolwork, and don't have much experience with extra-curriculars. But lately I find myself irresistibly drawn to another monster. He is one of my best friends, and although the Gromble has a tendency to dismiss him, he reminds me of his father, and I believe he has lots of unrealized potential. The problem is that we have another friend in common and I'm afraid that if he found out about this squish, he would be very upset. I don't want to hurt either of these dear boys, but I think I deserve a chance at true happiness. What should I do?
Signed most sincerely,
Seeing In Black And White
Ickis' heart skipped a beat. This was like a dream come true! Oblina had been squishing on him in secret, when all she needed was a nudge in the right direction. Excitedly, he picked up the quill and scratched out a reply.
Dear Black And White,
I think you should just go for it. It's never too early for love, and some of the best marriages came from schoolyard squishes. Don't worry about it adversely affecting your friendship. Your other friend is not a bonsty, I'm sure he is mature enough to understand. Demonstrate your decision by buying your squish his favorite meal, then ask him to go out for a special night on the town, where you can confess your true feelings. I'm 100% positive he will reciprocate.
Sincerely,
The Advice Monster
It was late by the time he got back to the dorm room. He yawned deeply, and flopped onto bed. For once, he was going to sleep great. The creaking bedspring seemed to alert Oblina, and she flicked the lights on.
"What were you doing in detention so long, Icky? Did the Gromble make you polish all his shoes again?" she asked.
She'd even been waiting up for him! He took that as a very good sign. "Oh no, it was much more satisfying." he replied.
"Hmm. I'd say he asked you to polish your father's trophys but no monster could possibly do all that in one night." reasoned Oblina.
"That takes 9 days, if you include buffing. The Gromble made me do it after I shook hands with him while wearing that joy buzzer Bradley gave me." Ickis reminded her.
Oblina stifled a giggle. "Icky, sometimes you are downright disrespectful. But you certainly do make a classroom more interesting." she admitted.
Of course she was interested in him, her letter had all but confessed it! "I bet I make an even bigger impression in class tomorrow." he predicted.
"That is assuming you can stay awake for it. Little monsters need their ugly sleep, and even Krumm and I like to be well-rested." she stated as she turned off the light. Ickis smiled. In the darkness, he didn't even mind being thought of as little.
It was the happiest dream he'd had in recent memory. In it, Ickis pulled out all the stops to impress Oblina during their evening together. She was wearing a long strand of garland left over from a box of discarded Christmas ornaments. He had on a straw boater hat, with holes punched in it for his ears. As she very artfully slunk towards him, he began to sing.
"I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things
We can do the tango just for two
I can serenade and gently play on your he-ar-rt strings
Be a squishy monster just for you." he intoned.
"Ooh my, ooh monster boy
What you doing tonight, hey boy." she called playfully.
"Set my alarm, turn on my charm
That's because I'm a good old fashioned monster boy." he proclaimed. Just in case she had any doubts, he pulled out his mouth organ and played a few bars.
"Ooh, let me feel your heartbeat." he crooned.
"Loom faster, faster." encouraged Oblina.
"Ooh, can you feel my love heat, ooh~ooh
Come on and sit on my toiii-let of love
And tell me how do you feel right after-all
I'd like for you and I..." here he waggled his ears seductively.
"To go romancing!" they harmonized.
"Say the word- your wish is my command." Ickis gallantly offered.
"Ooh my, ooh monster boy
What you doing tonight, hey boy." she asked with growing excitement.
"Write my letter
Feel much better
And use my fancy patter on the microphone." he promised. He played the mouth harp some more, to carry them over the bridge.
"When I'm not with you
Think of you always
I miss you and I..." Ickis softly sang.
"I miss those long hot summer nights." Oblina blissfully recalled.
"When I'm not with you
Think of me always
I love you - Love you." he sincerely exclaimed.
"Hey boy where'd you get it from
Hey boy where did you go?" she wondered, smiling all the while.
"I learned my passion in the good old
fashioned school of monster boys." he graciously informed her. One final display of his instrumental prowess, and she'd be his girl for always.
"Dining at the Ritz we'll meet at nine... precisely." he pledged.
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine o'clock." Oblina counted the hours.
"I will find garbage, that tastes divine
Diving back in style, through sewer pipes will do quite nicely." he envisioned.
"Just take me to the dorm, that will be fine." insisted Oblina.
"Come on and get it!" he teased.
"Ooh my, there he goes again!
Ooh my, he's my good old fashioned monster boy
Yoo~hoo, what you doing tonight, hey boy." she flirted right back at him.
"Everything's alright
Just hold on tight
That's because I'm a good old fashioned..." he explained.
"Fashioned." echoed Oblina.
"Monster boy!" he proudly declared.
"Yes, you are a boy monster, I think we've all noticed that much by now." Oblina told him. "But you are going to be a tardy monster if you don't drag your floppy ears out of bed."
He wondered if she considered that his best feature. He'd never really cared for them before (all the upkeep that was involved in brushing them, the days when the tips would get frostbitten in winter, how they always seemed to throb when he was feeling unwell, the times he overhead other monsters whispering insults about him- did they really think they were being quiet?, the way toilet seats sometimes had a bad habit of slamming shut on top of them, the many instances where humans proclaimed them cute) but if Oblina liked them he might change his mind. Maybe he'd even let her pet them, assuming she was into that sort of thing. He wasn't entirely sure what girl monsters liked to do with their squishes, but he was going to find out soon enough!
The Gromble's lecture was boring, as ever, but Ickis did his best to stay out of trouble. Nothing was going to ruin this day. He could hear Zimbo chewing something, and ducked under the desk before the wad of gum went flying. The Gromble was not so fortunate. Ickis never thought he'd hear those insults directed at somebody else. Already this was shaping up to be the greatest day in his young life. By the time he heard the belch, he'd forgotten how many scares had been assigned for the weekend, but it didn't matter. Oblina was sure to tell him at some point during their special date night. Even when she was at her most romantic, Ickis was sure she'd never truly stop being Oblina, and that homework would always be dear to her heart. But as long as he was special to her too, he didn't mind squishing on a bookworm.
Ickis whistled an upbeat tune as he entered the cafeteria. He'd caught Oblina glancing at the school paper immediately after class, although she assured him she "only read it for the articles". There was no way she'd missed the column, and judging from the comments he'd overheard, it was already proving today's most popular feature. Just as he suspected, there she was, balancing a tray piled high with Sloppy Slugs. Wait, that wasn't right. He couldn't stand the look of those gooshy things and he was allergic to them to boot. So much for her highly vaunted skills at reading comprehension.
"There you are, Krumm. I have been meaning to speak with you all day, but you know how the Gromble sometimes prattles on." Oblina stated.
"Sometimes he talks a lot, too." Krumm acknowledged. "Hey, wow! Are those Sloppy Slugs for me?"
"They most certainly are. I noticed they were on special today, and I had a few extra toenails with me, and I thought 'why not spend them on my good friend, Krummy?'" she cheerfully explained.
"That's awesome! I feel like I should make it up to you somehow." remarked Krumm.
"We-ell, I heard that the humans have built a new roller coaster at the amusement park. I was thinking of going there and giving them a real fright, but it would be even more terrifying if I had a gentle-monster to accompany me." suggested Oblina.
"I don't think I know anybody like that, but I'd be happy to come with you." replied Krumm.
"Marvelous. Eat hearty now, Krumm, because I think you will find we have a lot to talk about once we get there." Oblina told him.
From his vantage point by the cafeteria doors, Ickis blinked back tears. It took every ounce of courage he had not to try a reverse-loom, which admittedly, was hard to pull off at the best of times. He didn't care how badly the Gromble flunked him, tonight he was writing his letter of resignation.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: Is it any wonder Ickis is a "garbage can is half-empty" kind of guy? No matter how much effort he puts into something, he rarely gets the desired results. Right now, I wouldn't mind getting some reviews, lest I go slink into a corner of shame alongside Ickis (and he probly needs the space more).