Crazy Hand: A one-shot? Ingenious! Of Humor? Ingenious! The fact this must be the work of a half-serious author who is quite lazy sometimes? Ingenious!
Yeah yeah... Anywho, this is my first oneshot in a while. And a pretty long one at that as well. So stop reading this Author's Note and look down there!
Crazy Hand: It never hurts to leave a review for this homeless kitty!
... I'm not homeless... But yeah, leave a review if you kindly would! ^.^
Crazy in Command
Master Hand patrolled the hallways. Now 2 o'clock in the morning, he sleeplessly wandered the halls, searching for any smashers who would attempt to break curfew.
It wasn't long until he heard some noises from the dining hall. He entered said room and looked around. A very long table covered with a white cloth and the 40 chairs for it were the important items in the room, along with an elongated stage nearby for announcements, music playing, and other minor things.
He heard a few giggles, kissing noises, and whispers. "I'm on to you..." Master Hand thought. He flickered on his flashlight and shined it everywhere. No one.
Master Hand moved closer to the table, the sounds becoming more audible. He suddenly yanked the cloth off the table and shined the flashlight under the table.
He found the culprit, or rather, culprits. Link and Zelda were under said table, making out. They were wearing a gray tank top sweatpants combo and in a purple nightgown respectively. Due to the Mansion's strict curfews and tight schedules, the smashers did not have much free time, which heavily bothered them, especially the few couples of the smashers who could not have time together.
"Busted!" Master Hand announced.
The two suddenly stopped kissing and looked at Master Hand. Zelda was on top of Link, arms around one another. Unsure what excuse to use, Link chuckled nervously. "Hello Master Hand! Uhh... how are you doing this fine evening? Have those knuckles always been so well-maintained?"
"You two are in a lot of trouble!" Master Hand warned.
"Plan B!" Zelda shouted.
Link reached into his pocket and pulled out a smoke bomb. He smashed it against the floor, the multi-colored gases obscuring Master Hand's vision.
Master Hand coughed and wheezed. When the smoke finally dissipated, the lovebirds were no where to be seen.
"Argh..." Master Hand mumbled bitterly.
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Not long after that little encounter, Master Hand "grounded" the two Hylians to their rooms. However, he started to regret his decision of room locations when he had realized that Link's room was right below Zelda's, that the windows could easily be opened, and that the walls were easily climbable. After catching the two again, he decided to lift their punishment. Better that they do what they want not breaking rules than indeed breaking them.
Breakfast had started. All of the Smashers were downstairs, happily eating and conversing amongst each other. On a stage right in front of the table, several Alloys played some music for the residence.
Link, Zelda, Ike, Marth, and Pit were all sitting at the end of the table, sharing stories and humorous encounters.
"And that's why it still reeks of Smoke Bomb here." Link concluded his story of the previous night to his friends.
Ike clapped slowly. "I'm still surprised you managed to go through 2 hours without getting caught by M.H."
"Actually," Zelda interrupted. "In all honesty, Crazy Hand was a much bigger concern than Master Hand."
Link nodded, eating a bit of sausage. "He floated around the dining hall four times with a walrus in overalls that made ice by shaking its butt, just so he could host his secret 'dance party.'" Said dance party had never really occurred, but Crazy Hand was always quite... crazy, so he must have forgotten about it.
"Oh, that must have been Mr. Frosty." Marth said. "Meta Knight told me about that odd walrus."
"Crazy Hand is crazy," Pit concluded. "That's not really surprising."
The Alloys finished their song, with a few cheers coming from the crowd. One smasher threw a rose at the alloys, but since they could not use items, they were unable to pick it up.
Master Hand floated onto the stage, letting the Alloys take a break. "Good morning everyone, I assume you are all enjoying your breakfast?"
"These pancakes taste like crap!" Bowser roared.
"This orange juice isn't even-a orange juice! It's-a orange soda!" Luigi complained. Needless to say, none of the children complained about said soda.
"Kirby ate all the eggs!" Samus complained. Lucas curiously asked his friends, "she eats?"
"Yoshi ate all the ham!" Lucario angrily announced. "Every single last delicious morsel of it!"
Many more complaints were drawn from the crowd. Apparently, a life of luxury at the Smash Mansion had corrupted the Smashers and made them spoiled.
A sweat drop appeared on the back of Master Hand's... hand. "Okay, I see that you all are not having a good time."
He crowd all said "yes" in unison.
"Frankly, this isn't a 5-star resort. It's a mansion." Master Hand said, not realizing how redundant his last statement was. "So expect you all to be a bit more humble in what you voice your opinions about. Is that clear?"
Almost everyone said "yes." However, King Dedede responded with "Can I at least have bacon that's not paper-thin?"
Master Hand shot a laser towards the penguin. The laser hit his paper-thin bacon, and turned it into plump, succulent, delicious bacon strips. "Good day to you all."
He left the stage. The smashers returned to their conversation, while King Dedede wolfed down his bacon greedily, swatting away Kirby and Yoshi who attempted to sneak off with some meat.
The Red Alloy walked up to Master Hand in a concerned manner. He did not speak, but made several beeping noises. The Alloys were the test dummies for the smashers. They were also Master Hand's trusted advisors and assistants.
"I know, Red." The Hand admitted. "I need a vacation, but then there will be no one to keep the mansion in order."
Red pointed to Crazy Hand, who was playing Patty Cake with a Oktorock.
"Of course not, Red!" Master Hand said. "Crazy will only leave the mansion in shambles!"
The Blue Alloy walked up the Master Hand, and also made some beeping noises.
"You're right!" Master Hand realized. "If I leave Crazy Hand in charge, his irresponsibility will cause the Smashers to truly realize what a gifted life they have! Thank you Blue! I'll get packing!"
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Master Hand came up onto the podium for an afternoon announcement. All the smashers were there. However, Master Hand was wearing a bright, orange fingerless glove over his usual white one. It had red flowers on it, mimicing the design of Hawian shirts. "Settle down everyone."
"What's this all about?" Sonic asked lazily.
"I hope it's about that new update to the game!" Lucas said optimistically. "They're supposed to be releasing a new video about one of us before the introduction of new items!"
Peach decided to ruin his optimisim. "Umm... I think you're refering to a hat-based first person shooter."
"That's stupid." Wolf said simply.
"SILENCE!" Master Hand yelled. "Now, to lower my blood pressure, I will be going on vacation for the week. For this week, I will appoint Crazy Hand to be in charge."
Suddenly, the entire Smasher community went into a state of panic.
"OH GOD NO!"
"We're all gonna diiiiieeee!"
"Everything I know is a lie!"
"Naryu save us all!"
"Curse you Master Hand! May a large amount of fungus corrupt your fingernails! And may arthritis infect your knuckles! And may the bone-eating disease plague your fingers!"
"Marth, stick with normal insults."
"But that wasn't me..."
"ORDER!" Master Hand shouted once more. Due to all of the shouting he had done over the years, his voice became a bit more raspy. He coughed and hacked. "Now, Crazy Hand is in charge of all activities. You are to do your normal activities... Bye!" He vanished into thin air.
Crazy Hand took the stage. "HALLO SMASHURS!" He said, grammically incorrect. "I am sir Crazy Hand, here to spread the joys of good will, peace on Earth, and shiny objects!"
The smashers looked around uneasily.
Crazy Hand pulled a random sack of goodies from the fabrics of the universe. "Here's one out of three of the items I am bringing!" He tossed it into the air, letting it land on poor Luigi's head. "Go! Find your presents!"
The Smashers (for once) formally lined up to the bag, much like kids to a Mall Santa. Each smasher got a package, wrapped carefully with colorful wrapping paper.
"Yes!" Pit exclaimed. He pulled an arrow out of his large package. They were much like his own arrows, except the end was sharped like a heart. "Love arrows! I thought these were outlawed."
"They are." Link said, unwrapping a shiny boomerange.
Pit grabbed his bow, and took the arrow and aimed it at a random location. "Let's see if it works!"
"Wait, we're in the middle of-"
Too late. Pit had launched his arrow into who-knows where. It bounced off the ceiling as everyone ducked for cover. It ricocheted off Kirby's new mirror, and out a window.
"I wonder where that's gonna land..." Samus commented.
Meanwhile, in the distant land of Subspace, Tabuu plotted his revenge.
"Those Smashers shall pay with their lives..." He stared at his army. Suddenly, he was hit in the rear with Pit's love arrow.
He opened his eyes and looked around. He randomly saw the very rare female primid. His non-existant pupils stared at her. "Sophia! I must have you!"
Back at the Mansion, Zelda felt an odd feeling. "I feel as though Pit had just prevented the comeback of an evil entity that is hell-bent on the destruction of the universe."
"Considering the fact that Crazy Hand's in charge," Snake said. "I firmly believe that theory."
"I second that." Meta Knight replied.
Crazy Hand cackled. "I love being king!"
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Day 1
Crazy Hand becoming the leader of the Smashers may have seemed fine at first, but soon was going to backfire.
"AAAAAIIIEEE!" An Ogre bursted out of Peach's room. It was large, bald, gray, and had an awful odor coming out of it. "What happened to me?" it said in a very feminine voice.
A brown-furred rabbit followed right after. It had a clothes-pin on its nose, to block the horrendous smell. "I'll bet you a million rupees it was Crazy Hand."
Meanwhile, a variety of monsters and creatures (and a human) populated the lobby.
"I woke up this morning," A toucan bird with bright, well kept blue feathers said. "And then I had this sudden, unyielding urge to fly up to the top of a tree. But I don't know how to use these wings!"
A gigantic, pink dragon roared loudly. "I now have the power that only a god could stand against! Oooh, what's that shiny thing down there?"
"Come on!" An angry baseball complained. "How come Jigglypuff gets to be the dragon? I'm Bowser, King of Koopas for crying out loud!"
The only human of the crowd moved his fingers. "What are these feelers?"
"Those are fingers." A blond-colored rabbit said. "Rob, I don't think your physical prowness of jets and lasers won't do you much good as a human. Frankly, I don't think being this cute-looking will do any good for a defender of a powerful kingdom either."
A skeleton with a large broadsword shivered. "I-I never r-r-realized h-how important f-f-f-flesh was wh-when it c-c-came to k-keeping h-heat in."
"I have this desire..." A small, blue, blob of acidic jelly said. "For... human flesh!" It pounced on ROB with supersonic speeds, and started digesting him. Since ROB was not used to this feeling of pain, he wondered what it was as he was slowly disintigrated.
Eventually, the smashers figured out who was who.
"SURPIRSE!" Crazy Hand shouted, coming out of a hat. "HOW ARE WE ALL DOING TODAY?"
"Crappy!" King Dedede, an anthromorphic potato, said. "I can't eat, I'm so confused, and I think Meta Knight (who is now a zombie) is rotting!"
"Braaaiiins... I mean, hoooonoooorr..." Meta Knight groaned.
"Sounds delicious!" Crazy sang. "So, what can I do fer' you all?"
"Change us back!" Zelda the brown-furred rabbit yelled. "Do you realize how hard it is to make out with your lover as a bunny?"
"Frankly no," Crazy Hand yelled. "But I can see how bitchy you are getting and considering the large amount of torturous weapons you may have at your disposal, I shall turn you all back!"
And with a snap of his fingers, Crazy Hand transmongrified (as he puts it) the smashers back to their original shapes, sizes, and smells. "Now... DANCE!"
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Day 2
"UND TODAY'S FIGHTARS AAAAREEE..." Crazy Hand cackled. "Pichu and Toon Link!"
"But, Pichu's not in Brawl..." Luigi objected.
Crazy Hand responded by unleashing a swarm of man-eating watermelons at the poor green-clad plumber.
Pichu and Toon Link started their match, which was the Big Blue. However, due to the fact that Pichu had no renders in Brawl whatsoever, it caused the entire system to overload and explode violently.
"KABLEWAY!" Crazy cackled.
The Big Blue then landed on Luigi as it fell from the sky from the explosion.
"Why-a me?"
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Day 3
"I got a joke for you all!" Crazy Hand said excitedly. Now at 5 P.M., he managed to keep everything calm for the day, which was quite an achievement for him. "What do drunkards and cheerleaders have in common?"
The smashers turned to each other, shrugged, and several of them said "I don't know."
"They both yell at people and don't wear pants!"
"Just like Link!" Sonic joked.
"Leave me out of this." Link said simply.
Sonic shook his head. "No way! It's funny!"
He was then hit in the head by a blunt object thrown by said Hylian. "That ought to shut him up."
"YOU SIR," Crazy Hand said... crazily. "HAVE JUST WON A MEDAL!"
A large pop up rose from the ground, saying "Congratulations! You have just earned the 'Sub-Sonic-Slayer' badge!" Victory music played as Link was awarded with the prestigious reward.
"Umm... Thanks?"
"Oh look a rabbit." Crazy Hand said.
"Rabbit?" Link looked behind him, with a very angry, bunny next to him.
"CRAZY HAND YOU IDIOT!" she screeched. "YOU FORGOT TO CHANGE ME BACK 2 DAYS AGO!"
Crazy Hand sighed. "Link mah friend, is she PMSing?"
"I wouldn't know," Link said oddly. "I don't look up there."
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Day 4
"Now... Amuse me with your antics of monkey taming!" Crazy Hand commanded to the room of Smashers.
"What?"
Suddenly, 17 monkeys burst (wow, everything is bursting into rooms today) into the lobby. "TAME THE MONKEYS OR NO LUNCH FOR YOU!" Crazy cackled.
"Quickly!" Captain Falcon said. "Someone hand me a ukelele!"
Samus did not really like her new ukelele that was given to her by Crazy Hand, so she gladly tossed it to Falcon. He then started playing a fast, upbeat tune.
This a song
That I like to sing
When everything goes wrong!
It's the one I sing
To rabid monkeys
Playing on a ukelele!
The monkeys then started to dance to the tune, while the other Smashers looked in confusion. Then, a standard drum beat was added into the song. They soon realized that Donkey Kong was now playing on the drums that just so happened to be there.
When I'm feeling down
When I'm out for the count
This song turns it all around!
When there is no food
When I'm in a bad mood
This song makes me feel good!
Jigglypuff randomly started playing the harmonica (which oddly, didn't put everyone to sleep). The monkeys screeched and cackled in delight at the performance. The Smashers started clapping to the very odd performance as well.
This is the end
You see, my friend
This song does indeed end!
But fear not, my friend
The song doesn't have to end,
Maybe I'll sing it to you again!
The rogue monkeys, now happily conversing to one another in monkey-speak, danced and cheered for Falcon's performance.
"I can't believe I just sang that." Captain Falcon said distastefully. "Anyone have some mouthwash?"
ROB tossed him some mouthwash. "Thanks."
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Day 5
By now, the mansion was half-destroyed. Rooms were demolished, craters were made, and a large, fiery pit of eternal suffering was summoned in the lobby. No one knew why it was there. Crazy Hand was awfully singing as he stired some ripened metroids into the fiery pit of eternal suffering with a gigantic spoon.
"There was crying in the street, and the scent of smelly feet, and I stopped one guy who said, seven thousand cops are dead!" Crazy sang in a scary way. He grabbed Luigi from a random portal, and tossed him into the fire, him crying all the way down.
"EVERYONE!" He cackled. He did something with his pinky, then all the smashers were teleported onto the ceiling. Due to the brutality of a force called gravity, they all fell to the floor.
"My head!"
"I fell! I'm melting!"
"Pika-pika."
"I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!"
"Jigglypuff, calm down."
Crazy cackled again. "BEHOLD!" He smashed the ground in fist form. This (somehow) caused a black hole to develop, which led to Subspace. It sucked up all of the smashers, and Crazy started doing the waltz with an alligator.
The Smashers teleported directly over a considerable height of over 30 feet, easily.
They fell. Unsurprisingly, they were hurt.
"My face!"
"I fell! I'm disintigrating!"
"Yoshi Yosh."
"I SHALL SWALLOW YOUR SOULS!"
"Ganon, chillaxe."
The smashers then noticed a female primid running away. They then noticed Tabuu following it, screaming "I LOVE YOU!" many times.
"Good work Pit!" Mario congratulated.
"Thanks. It comes in the job description." Pit beamed.
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Day 6
"HERE HERE!" Crazy Hand said. All the smashers awoke grogidly. The previous day, they spent 6 hours attempting to find a way out of Subspace.
Toon Link held an ice bag to his head. He was the one yelling "MY HEAD!" from before, ice bag as proof.
"Don't worry little girl!" Crazy Hand said, gender meaningless to him. "As I bring relatives and aquaintances from the old days!" He opened the unhindged door (somehow), to reveal a sack of potatoes.
The smashers stared at Crazy like he was crazy... which is basically how everyone looks at him.
Suddenly, the potatoes came to life and started tap dancing.
The ceilling started to leak green ooze.
Gigantic, anthromorphic cheese pizzas rose from the ground.
Zombies started attacking the mansion.
In pure fear, the Smashers all hugged each other in an attempt in vain to find comfort.
"Hold me!"
"I'm-a scared!"
"I can't breath!"
"I'm so scared, I wet your pants!"
"Gross! Wait... I'm not wearing pants..."
"Hold me until the end of time!"
"Hey! Get your own girlfriend!"
"It's not my fault! I'm gonna die a virgin!"
"We're all-a gonna die-a; period!"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Day 7
Master Hand happily floated to the now-destroyed Smash Mansion. As if his non-existant eyes were closed, he pulled a key from out of his wallet, opened the unhinged door, then entered. He didn't take note of the holes in the floor, nor the fact that Link and Zelda were tied together, dangling by a thread that was slowly being eaten by a rat, over a pool of man-eating sharks.
He went upstairs, not noticing how Kirby, Yoshi, Ness, and Lucas were being shot at by random lasers from the sky.
He entered the bathroom, not noticing how about 20,000 spiders covered Marth, Ike, Toon Link, and Pit in the shower. He also neglected the fact that Jigglypuff was trapped in the toilet.
He entered the Ballroom, not noticing the giant destuctive robot attempting to destroy Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser. He also did not notice Samus being eaten by several jealous mermaids.
He went to the backyard, not noticing that Sonic was being devoured by a zombie. He also didn't notice Snake, Ganondorf, Wario, King Dedede, Meta Knight, Olimar, and Mr. Game and Watch on fire.
He went to a make-out room, not noticing Falco, Donkey Kong, Fox, the Ice Climbers, and Lucario with their eyes taped open, forced to watch High School Musical.
He went to the bar, not noticing that Captain Falcon, Red, Wolf, Diddy Kong, ROB, and Pikachu were being boiled in a large pot of liver bile.
He finally wandered to his office, which oddly remained totally untouched. He looked at the picture of all the smashers, looking over a cliff. They were all happy (except Ganondorf and Bowser, as usual). He would have smiled if he could.
"It's nice to be back at the mansion." He said happily, leaning back in his chair.
The End
Possibly my most random SSB fiction.
Crazy: If it tops that one story about Kirby and Peach then that'll be true!
Maybe...
Crazy: asmf3q90asdma891d
... Uhh... yeah...
Thanks for reading this one-shot of pure randomness and insanity.