camteaa: Hello everyone!
Itachi: GTFO. You don't deserve to write.
camteaa: Shut up. It's been a while! I hope you guys like this one!
Summary: Everyone knows that the Uchihas are closet perverts. So when Sasuke falls in love with a certain busty kunoichi, of course fate wants to screw him over. Crackfic. Slight AU. SasuHina...kinda.
Author's Notes:/ So...it's been a while since I've written anything at all and I just restarted watching Naruto Shippuden. I was on tumblr one day when suddenly my dash blows up with Hinata and Sasuke in their upcoming moving 'Road to Ninja'. And then the SasuHina bug took over. Kinda.
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Curse of Curves
It wasn't like Sasuke, the Sasuke Uchiha, was inept at these kinds of romantic things.
He just wasn't used to being on the confessing end on a crush relationship. The usual scenario consisted of a girl (give or take two dozen other females) throwing themselves at his feet begging for him to do the horizontal tango, or even better, have an orgy with them.
Okay...So maybe the young Uchiha was a little inept.
Besides! It wasn't like boys knew what to do in these situations. Guys like Sasuke weren't into that lovey-dovey wishy-washy crap.
That was for people with feelings.
And everyone knows that Sasuke doesn't have feelings.
Especially lovely dovey ones.
So you can imagine the shock our young Uchiha felt when he found his face flushing and his heart racing when a certain girl walked on by.
At first, he thought he was seriously dying. He honestly thought that he had contracted some illness. Or WORSE...was cursed.
Tsunade gave him an odd look when he went to consult her.
"You're perfectly healthy. There's nothing wrong with you." she said shortly, raising an eyebrow at the embarrassed look on his face.
She then promptly shooed him and his incredulous looking face out of her office.
Sasuke had then spent the better part of the day sulking around on a bench, trying to figure out what deathly condition he had and how to remedy it. He was just about to settle on trying to commit seppuku when he heard a 'poof' behind him.
"Yo."
Hatake Kakashi had conveniently poofed himself into the tree behind the brooding boy. When he received a scornful glare from his student, he hopped down from his branch and sat next to him.
"Tsunade-sama told me you're, uh, how'd she put it? Having problems?" the masked Jounin said awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.
Sasuke eyed him carefully.
"Listen, Sasuke, uh, you're body's going through a lot of changes right now so if you find that it doesn't work properly sometimes-"
"SHUT UP. SHUT UP. THAT'S NOT IT!" a very red and humiliated Sasuke groaned into his hands, trying to cover up his severely red face.
"Now Sasuke, erectile dysfun-"
" #%#$^!"
"Then what is it?"
Sasuke was practically a tomato now, and he moaned forlornly into his hands as he explained his racing heart, flushing face and sweaty palms that occurred whenever she walked by.
Kakashi smirked under his mask. This was easier then he thought!
"You're in love."
The Copy Ninja watched as his pupil's eyes bugged out of his skull as he proceeded to have a self-induced panic attack.
"T-that can't be possible. Uchiha's don't fall in love." Sasuke reasoned, clutching his heaving chest.
Kakashi snorted.
"Says you. Just because your older brother is socially dysfunctional...or gay-"
"NIISAN ISN'T GAY!"
"Okay, okay, but what I'm trying to say is that it's natural. Especially since you're seventeen now. It happens to everyone."
"But Idon't fall in love. Girls fall in love with me." Sasuke protested.
"Oh, get over yourself." Kakashi quipped.
Sasuke shot him another wonderful glare. Kakashi smiled mysteriously, stood up and ruffled his student's hair. Sasuke now looked like an angry porcupine.
"Being in love isn't so bad. Here."
Kakashi's signature orange book was tossed into Sasuke's lap.
"Read up on it. Maybe you'll learn what to do."
And before the Uchiha could protest, he vanished into thin air, racing off to tell Itachi about Sasuke's little predicament. Sasuke, frustrated, held up the book with disgust wondering,
"How the FUCK am I supposed to learn anything from porn?"
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Itachi rubbed his aching temples as Kakashi set down a cold can of beer on his work desk. Papers were strewn across the usually clean work surface and water pooled around the bottom of the condensing metal can.
"I don't want it." the older Uchiha grumbled, his head pounding.
"I think you doooo!" Kakashi teased, leaning against the edge of the ANBU commander's desk.
"What in god's name makes you think I need a beer at 11 in the morning?"
"Oh, don't be such an infant." Kakashi smiled pleasantly.
Itachi glared, and then reluctantly opened the can of beer.
"What do you want?" Itachi muttered, taking a swig.
"I have some interesting information for you."
"Oh?"
"It's about Sasuke."
Itachi looked at the Copy Ninja from over the rim of the almost finished can and cocked an eyebrow. Whenever Kakashi mentioned Sasuke in a conversation, the result was never good.
"Oh god...who did he fireball now?"
"No, no. Nothing like that. It's even better."
Kakashi paused for dramatic effect.
"He's in love."
Itachi choked on his beer.
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Sasuke burned Kakashi's only copy of Icha Icha Paradise 27. In order to cool his head, he decided to sulk off to the training grounds. However, throwing kunai and roasting logs didn't prove to be too helpful.
He kept seeing her face everywhere.
At this point, Sasuke gave up on trying to deny this foreign predicament.
Okay. He admitted it. He was in love.
With Hinata Hyuga.
His face flushed even further as he ran her name over and over in his mind. His hand covered his mouth, realizing he was in a bigger pickle than he thought.
Why, why, why the Hyuga heiress of all the freakin' girls in the world?
He could probably have any girl he wanted...except the one he lusted after.
It was well known information that Sasuke and Hinata had known each other since they were kids. The Uchiha and Hyugas were two of the most powerful clans in Konoha, so it only made sense that they and their children were well acquainted and grew up together.
Unfortunately for Sasuke, the dark haired girl hadn't looked his way once. Not when they were kids, and certainly not now.
"Why me?" he bemoaned to his hands.
"Why you what?"
Sasuke looked up, annoyed that someone had interrupted his brooding. Shikamaru sauntered up to the frustrated Uchiha, hands in his pockets with Chouji in tow. He cast a wary eye to Sasuke who glared.
"So troublesome. Sorry for asking." Shikamaru rolled his eyes and started to walk back in the direction from which he came.
"Wait!"
Glancing over his shoulder, Shikamaru saw Sasuke standing up; hands clenched into fists, his face resembling more of a cherry then a human.
My god, what a troublesome kid.
"What?" he called back.
"H-How did you get Ino to go out with you?" Sasuke asked through clenched teeth.
The only sound between the three guys was the crunch of the potato chips Chouji was rapidly stuffing into his mouth.
"Excuse me?" Shikamaru asked, thinking he had misheard.
It was no surprise to anyone when Ino and him started going out, but to have the Uchiha ask about his love life was just strange.
"You heard me." Sasuke snapped.
"Jeez," Shikamaru scratched his head. "I guess I just asked. It seemed natural...why?"
Sasuke proceeded to turn a million different shades of red.
"J-just wondering. What, I can't wonder?" he answered irritably.
It suddenly clicked for the pineapple genius.
"Dear god. Who is she? The poor girl."
"SHHH! Don't-don't say it out loud!" Sasuke shouted desperately.
"Why?"
"It'll ruin my reputation!"
"As what? An Uchiha?"
"As a man!"
Shikamaru groaned at the stubbornness and pride that seemed to run rampant throughout all of the Uchiha clan.
"Look," he said, putting a hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "I don't give a flying fuck about who she is. But she's never going to know if you don't say anything. You need to be frank."
Sullenly, Sasuke pushed Shikamaru's hand off his shoulder, mumbled a "whatever", and walked off in a huff.
Chouji turned to his best friend.
"Should've just given her chips. Bitches love chips."
"...No, Chouji, that's you."
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"You want to what?" Ino shrieked.
Sasuke winced.
"Flowers. I want flowers." said the boy blandly.
You dumb blonde. I walk into your freakin' flower shop so you should obviously know I want flowers.
Ino scratched her head in confusion. It was a rare enough occurrence that Sasuke spoke to her at all, and it was even stranger that he was asking about flowers.
...Something was up.
"...Why do you want flowers?"
The second Sasuke turned an amazing shade of red Ino knew right away.
"Omigod. Omigod, omigod, omigod! You're not! Seriously?" the blonde cried.
The overwhelming shock of Sasuke trying to date someone that wasn't Sakura, heck, even date in general, started to fry her brain just a bit.
"Ino. Shut up."
"I will if you tell may who they're for!" the girl smiled coyly.
"No."
"I promise I won't tell! Please Sasuke-kun? Pweeeeeeeeeeease? I'll give you the flowers for free!"
Sasuke started to contemplate this bargain. He was short on cash and if he went to his elder brother, Itachi would scold him for being careless with money. And then he would ask who the flowers were for. In fact, it was better to let Ino find out about his crush than let Itachi know anything.
Because Itachi was fucking scary.
"Fine."
Ino's eyes glittered mischievously as she began to wrap up a white bouquet for Sasuke.
"Spill."
"IshHinata," Sasuke slurred, trying to save face by turning away to hide his blush.
As Ino shrieked again with glee, Sasuke began to regret his decision to do anything about his crush at all.
Unfortunately, Sasuke found out the hard way that Ino had been the worst person to tell his secret to.
Two hours later, just about everyone in Konoha knew that Sasuke had the hots for the Hyuga heiress.
...Including Neji-niisan.
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Our favorite Hyuga prodigy stormed through the streets of Konoha in search of his soon to be dead target. Tenten and Lee were desperately trying to hold him back by holding his shirt.
"Neji! Don't do it! You shouldn't interfere!" Tenten cried, tugging on the back of his jacket.
"Hinata-sama can do better than him!" Neji shouted furiously, dragging Tenten and Lee along.
Lee dug his feet into the ground and pulled as hard as he could.
"Please Neji! It is the summer of their youth! Sasuke-san is just expressing his youthful feelings-"
"HE SHOULDN'T HAVE FEELINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE!" the Hyuga prodigy roared. "IM GONNA NEUTER THAT BASTARD. HOW DARE HE LOOK AT HINATA-SAMA!"
"Neji! You're being to over protective! He hasn't even asked her out yet!" Tenten wailed.
Neji made a sort of odd, strangled sound in his throat as Lee tackled his friend to the ground and proceeded to sit on his head.
"DAMN YOU UCHIHA!"
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As the day wore on, Sasuke was starting to feel more and more aware that people were staring at him more than usual. Girls were weeping as he walked by, women whispered behind their hands, and men smirked and pointed.
Some had the nerve approach him and give him advice.
"Just give her a belly rub. What's so difficult about it?" Kiba had scoffed, scratching Akamaru behind the ears.
"..." Shino said, and then walked off.
Jiraiya had handed him a list of pickup lines, winked, and then disappeared to watch the show next to Kakashi and Itachi.
Naruto, by far, had been the worst.
"Oy! Teme, I heard you had the hots for Hinata!" Naruto ungraciously yelled across the street.
Sasuke wanted to bury himself in a hole and die. But since he was facing Naruto, he definitely had to act nonchalant. I mean, this was Naruto we were talking about. The guy was denser than a sack of rocks.
And Sasuke would be damned if he got advice from a sack of rocks.
"Fuck off dobe! It's none of your business!"
"I bet you only like her for her rack. Ne, ne, teme! Hinata's boobs are-"
Magnificent. Beautiful. Fucking hot.
"NARUTO."
"Maaaaaan she put a spell on you," the fox boy teased.
Curse her curves.
"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."
"But Sasuke! I thought you didn't like girls!" Naruto protested loudly, causing the population of Konoha to tune into the two's conversation.
"The fuck?" Sasuke howled, looking at the boy in horror.
"Seriously! I thought you and Itachi were, like, gay!"
Sasuke drew the line there.
Punching Naruto in the face had never felt so good.
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"Think he'll live?" Kakashi asked Jiraiya mildly, taking a bite out of his dango as he surveyed the scene from the safety of a maple tree.
"Heh heh, who knows?" the pervy sage laughed. "Oy, Itachi! Stop looking like your fish died!"
The poor elder Uchiha turned to his two companions with a despairing, deadpanned look on his perfect face.
"Why...the fuck does everyone think I'm gay?"
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While the whole of Konoha was in an uproar over Sasuke, Hinata remained clueless to the fact that her name was being spoken all over the village. The young heiress sat in her garden, carefully pouring potting soil over the young seedlings she had just purchased from Ino earlier that morning.
She smiled and wiped the sweat from her brow. Today was a good day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, her cousin was nowhere in sight...
Not that she had a problem with Neji...it's just that he suddenly became rather overprotective of her as the years wore on. Any male that was not a Hyuga, niisan had reasoned, was the spawn of the devil and should have no contact with his sweet little cousin.
The lavender eyed girl gathered her gardening tools and retreated into the Hyuga compound. She was contemplating a shower and then going to buy groceries for dinner when Kou came around the corner.
"H-Hinata-sama!"
"Kou-kun!" the heiress smiled warmly at her long time guardian and friend.
However, the panic stricken look on the normally calm Hyuga's face told her something was dreadfully wrong.
"Hinata-sama! There's someone at the gate for you!" Kou choked out, looking horrified.
"Who?" she asked in confusion.
"U-Uchiha!"
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Itachi had abandoned his two crude companions into a random maple tree and decided to pay a visit to the Hyugas. He stood outside the Hyuga compound looking seriously unamused.
Gracious. They didn't even offer me tea.
He looked up at the sound of footsteps and found himself face to face with the eldest Hyuga daughter. Well, it was more like face to hair, since she kept her head down and her eyes shielded, for fear that Itachi would Mangekyou her or something.
Like I said, fucking scary.
"C-can I help you, Itachi-san?"
The ANBU captain sighed and examined the girl in front of him. He frowned. He could definitely see what Sasuke saw in her. Her silky dark hair, her soft, pearly eyes...
Her curves.
Damn. Girl look at that body.
Itachi had more composure then his little brother and refrained from wearing his perverted thoughts on his sleeve.
"Hinata-channn, why don't you let me in? We can...have tea." Itachi smiled smoothly, his eyes glimmering lustfully as he gazed upon her chest.
The Hyuga heiress smiled innocently and let the wolf into her home.
"Okay!"
If people could read minds, they would have quickly affirmed that Itachi was definitely not gay.
Just a closet pervert with a thing for boobies.
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When Neji threw himself at Sasuke, the poor younger Uchiha didn't even register what happened at the time. Neji had ninja'd himself away from Lee and Tenten in order to pursue his target: Sasuke. Unfortunately for Sasuke, it was only a matter of seconds before Neji had spotted him with his Byakugan and started charging like a pissed elephant. The two boys tussled around in the middle of the road, limbs flailing everywhere.
"WHAT THE FLYING FUCK HYUGA?"
"SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR MANHOOD UCHIHA BRAT."
With a muffled, strangled cry, Sasuke wrestled himself out of Neji's grip and grabbed the elder Hyuga by his perfect, shiny hair. With an infuriated shout, Neji aimed a well placed kick at Sasuke's manhood.
Sasuke's eyes exploded into stars as the pain hit his twig and berries like a ton of bricks.
"Mother-#$%#%^$ !"
Neji stood up, panting, as Sasuke rolled around on the ground, watching what was left of his pride and dignity fall away with his balls.
"Don't you dare go near my cousin you-mmmmmmrf!"
Sasuke looked up from his pain in time to see Kakashi grab the psychotic Hyuga by the collar. He groaned as Kakashi also lifted his body into the air.
"Stop causing a scene you two. It's embarrassing." the Copy Ninja sighed.
The leader of Team 7 had decided to interfere before Neji and Sasuke caused a full blown scandal between the Hyuga and the Uchiha.
Kids these days.
Kakashi promptly dragged the two off down the street with Neji throwing a hissy fit and Sasuke weeping all the way.
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When Hiashi opened the sliding doors to his kitchen, the last thing he expected to see was his eldest daughter and the heir to the Uchiha clan sitting at the table drinking his precious 100,000 yen oolong tea. His jaw hit the floor.
"Wha-wha-what-"
Hinata shot up as straight as a poker, nearly knocking the tea over. Thanks to Itachi, he caught the teacup with ease and stood up as well.
"O-otou-sama!" Hinata squeaked.
Hiashi clutched his hand to his chest in an attempt to his racing heart.
"M-my tea!" the old man cried, looking at the used leaves forlornly.
Itachi quirked an eyebrow.
Seriously? Tea leaves?
"Excuse me, Hiashi-sama. I meant no disrespect. Your daughter was just providing with some excellent company. She is rather charming." Itachi said smiling at the younger girl next to him.
Hinata blushed and looked away, a small smile creeping onto her face.
Hiashi gagged.
"O-oh really?" the Hyuga head heaved.
Suddenly, the paper doors were abused once again as they were thrown open. Sasuke and Neji were hurled onto the floor. The two painfully looked up.
"Itachi-niisan!"
"H-Hinata-sama!"
"H-H-HINATA...c-c-c-chan..."
"Nephew?"
"Sasuke."
"N-N-Neji-niisan! S-Sasuke-kun!"
"Uchiha!"
Suddenly the Copy Ninja's face popped through the door.
"Kakashi!" he chimed in.
The three Hyugas and two Uchihas stared at the Jounin, utterly flabbergasted. Kakashi frowned.
"Well you all were shouting out names...I felt left out."
"Kakashi...shut up." Itachi said dryly.
The silver haired man grinned wily before retreating out of the kitchen, leaving the dumbfounded group to sort things out on their own.
"Niisan! What are you doing here?" Sasuke demanded, feeling the blush of realization that Hinata was observing him.
He looked at the shy girl from the corner of his eyes and instantly got redder.
Oh my god.
She's wearing a tank top.
And shorts.
Oh god. Look at her body.
Let me at her!
Looking completely calm, Itachi continued to drink Hiashi's tea and gave his brother an amused look as he observed Sasuke's hormones go buck wild.
"I was merely having a chat. Right, Hinata-chan?" Itachi smirked.
Sasuke's jaw hit the floor and Hiashi fainted dead away as Itachi finished off the last bit of his overly expensive tea. The girl 'eeped' and tried to drag her father's prone body to a chair. Neji, meanwhile, was turning an odd shade of puce.
" ." the boy hollered, stamping his foot impatiently.
"Neji-niisan! Don't shout!" Hinata pleaded.
"I do believe we've overstayed our welcome Sasuke." Itachi said, standing up.
"Niisan!" Sasuke whined.
"Yes! Now GET OUT!"
"WAIT!" Sasuke shrieked, flipping out.
He promptly whipped out the white bouquet Ino had prepared earlier from inside his massive collar. The flowers were looking a little worse for wear and were a sorry excuse for a bunch of flowers.
Okay Sasuke. It's now or never.
"DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY IT!" Neji panicked, trying to cover Sasuke's mouth.
"HINA-"
"DON'T FUCKING DO IT!"
That worked until Sasuke bit him. Finally,the younger Uchiha took a big breath, shut his eyes, and...
"ILOVEYOUHINATA!"
And your boobs.
Neji, with an Amazonian cry, tackled Sasuke to the ground and attempted to beat the snot out of him. Flower petals went everywhere and the Hyuga kitchen was almost destroyed. Itachi shook his head and rubbed his temples, feeing his headache coming back.
Hinata just stared.
"Ano...Sasuke-kun..."
Neji paused his abuse of Sasuke so both of them could look up to hear Hinata's answer.
"G-Gomen...I like someone else."
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And so ended Sasuke's love life forever.
Hinata had ended up falling madly in love with Itachi after talking with him just once in her lifetime, as per requirement for the whole 'love at first sight' situation. And Itachi fully embraced Hinata's curse of curves whole heartedly.
Sasuke, highly insulted and depressed, vowed to kill his brother and take Hinata back for his own.
Neji teamed up with Sasuke for two minutes before realizing that his hair was a good five inches shorter since the Uchiha had found a pair of kitchen shears in the midst of their epic kitchen battle.
Hiashi died. The tea that Itachi and Hinata drank had intense medicinal properties that the Hyuga head needed in order to survive from laryncongunticumlotivitis...thing. But he died after not getting his medication.
Hinata and Itachi got married.
Chouji ate his chips.
And everyone in Konoha somehow survived.
...Except for Hiashi. Because he died.
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camteaa: I hope you guys enjoyed it!
Sasuke: Review so she doesn't neglect us anymore!