He practically ran out of Jessica's condo.
She was blaming him for the whole Mike fiasco and she was right. But he didn't need to hear it again; he'd been thinking about it every day since the kid got arrested. And he surely didn't want to hear it in front of Louis, Rachel and Donna.
Jessica had asked him what his plan was, and for the first time in his life, he didn't have one. He could swear he saw a hint of disappointment in Donna's eyes, and that nearly killed him. His chest constricted, his vision getting blurry – he needed to get out.
He didn't say a word, walking away, hearing Donna calling for him. He walked faster and faster, until he reached the Harbor. It was a 15 minutes' walk, but he wasn't really aware of time passing, his mind blocking all the sounds around him.
He had bought a boat months ago. He's not sure why, maybe he was trying to fill a void in his life, but he did. He'd take it out on days when he needed to breathe, to have some space, spend a couple of hours then come back. He climbed on his boat, undoing the knot from the dock, and quickly turning on the engine and driving the boat away.
He's surprised when he hears a cough behind him.
Donna. She was panting. Was she running after him? Her cheeks were red, breathing fast.
"What the hell Harvey?! I've been running behind you for 15 minutes!" she said, angry.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, unable to hide his surprise.
He sounded more hostile than he meant.
"I wanted to make sure you were ok" she said, "but you're being an ass so" she continued angrily.
"You shouldn't have come" he said, unable to meet her eyes.
She's hurt, but she tried again.
"Why the hell did you run away?" she asked him.
"I don't want to talk about it" he said, his hands around the wheel of the boat, looking into the distance.
"No one was blaming you for- "she started, always able to read his mind.
"Donna" he begged. She stopped talking, looking at the man that once heard everything she had to say. His eyes were glassy, his look pensive, and she could tell he is trying to regulate his breath.
"Are you ok?" she asked him then, and he could hear the concern in her voice.
He nodded at her before looking away again.
She had no clue what was going on in his mind, and she hated it. It was one thing not to know what was in his mind when it comes to her, but a whole lot more frustrating not to know anything else.
She didn't say a word, angling her body away from him and towards the horizon.
He watched her move away from him. He didn't mean for that to happen. He never wanted to push her away. Not when he told her he loves her, and not now. He stole a look, watching her taking deep breaths too.
Coming here had been helping for a while, but somehow her presence made him feel even better, his body relaxing as he enjoyed the way the wind tickled his face. A long silence fell between them, the only noise heard that of the waves against the boat.
He saw her shiver, noticing how her hands went to hug her own body.
He left the stirring wheel, taking off his jacket and walking towards her. She had her back to him, as he wrapped the jacket around her shoulders. She flinched at his touch.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you" he said in a low voice.
She looked up at him, noticing the way his hand rested on her shoulder.
"I'm fine Harvey" she said, refusing to take his jacket.
"Your nose looks like it's going to fall off. Just take the jacket Donna" he insisted.
"Thanks" she whispered, feeling her cheeks burn.
He offered her a small smile, sitting next to her, his shoulder now resting against hers, his hands in the pockets of his beige pants.
"A boat?" she asked, addressing the fact that she didn't know, trying to ignore his cologne enveloping her.
"Yeah it helps me…deal with things" he explained. She nodded.
"Since when?" she asked again.
"Six months" he answered, and she felt a knot in her throat.
Six months since she left his desk.
"I'm sorry" she said honestly, her voice breaking.
"Donna, don't apologize" he said genuinely.
"I love boats" she admitted.
"I know" he said, surprising her. "I remember when you told me about it" he continued.
"You do?" she questioned, surprised.
"We were at the D.A. annual gala. You wore that short black backless dress, you had your hair up" he explained, not looking at her. "And we had too much you drink. You put your hand on my forearm and I thought – you said: 'Let's buy a boat. That way when things get shitty, we can always-'" he explained, before she continued his sentence.
"Drive off and run away together" she remembered her own words. She looked at him startled.
"I didn't know you remember this" she admitted, not asking him what he had thought then.
"I've never forgotten anything you've ever told me Donna" he said, and there's heaviness in his tone.
"Did I lose you?" she asked him, and it's his turn to be surprised.
"What?" he asked her.
"Did I lose you?" she repeated, and he could see the fear in her eyes.
"What are you talking about? I lost you. You didn't lose me. You'll always have me" he said, his voice comforting. "I lost you because I pushed you away" he repeated, pained by his own words.
"You did push me away. But you never lost me" she confessed. "I'm still right here"
"And I'm still right here" he repeated.
"Are you?" she questioned. "Because it's like I don't know who you are anymore, what you're thinking, what you're going through, and it kills me"
"I'm the same guy Donna. I'm just dealing with things and you – you're not outside my office anymore" he said softly.
"I didn't know that the two options would be outside your office or outside your life" she countered, hurt.
His hand touches her back.
"Hey. That's not true" he said, angling his body towards her. "It's not true" he repeated.
She nodded, but he could tell she wasn't completely convinced.
"I'm seeing a therapist" he told her then, trying to offer her some piece of him.
"I know" she said, and he doesn't even ask how she did.
"We talk about things I go through" he continued, "we talked about you a lot – we talk about you a lot" he turns his eyes from her shyly.
"What about me?" she asked curiously, a small smile on her lips.
He's nervous.
"My – breakdown after you left. What it means. How I shouldn't let what happened with my mother haunt me" he said briefly. "I'm just trying to work out the things I feel, to open up"
"You're doing a good job" she encouraged him with a small smile, referring to how he was opening up to her.
"It was always easier with you" he said, and she smiled at him, tilting her head.
He mirrored her expression.
"Can you tell me what happened back at Jessica's?" she asked him cautiously. He swallowed, nodding.
"I – I failed. I'm failing Mike, Rachel, Jessica, Louis, YOU" he explained, "and I saw that look in your eyes" he confessed. "The disappointment"
She stopped him. "Don't ever say that. I'm not disappointed in you Harvey! I wasn't giving you any look, I'm just as terrified of this as much as you are. And I hold as much responsibility in this" she explained emotionally.
"You don't" he countered.
"Harvey. I did that wink at you that started it all" she said, and he smiled at the memory.
"It was one hell of a wink" he teased.
"Felt good to do it" she contributed.
"You were just excited to meet another me" he joked.
"Oh God, is the Harvey Specter university of gloating open again? I need a fast track cause I've known this shit for far too long" she teased with a big grin.
He laughed.
"But seriously Harvey. No one is disappointed in you, and certainly not me" she insisted again.
He believed her.
"Now. Can you teach me how to drive this?" she asked, pointing to the boat.
"Yes" he said, standing up and offering her his hand. She took it, and he lifted her up, before making their way back to the wheel.
"Ok stand here" he said, his hand on her waist bringing her close to the wheel. "Hands on the wheel" he said, and she did as she was told.
"Ok great. You first of all need to be in balance yourself, in case of any sudden motion. Put your weight on your heels" he indicated, both his hands now on her waist, pinning her down.
As he did that, a big wave splashed against the boat, rocking it. She panicked, almost losing balance.
"This is exactly what you need to avoid" he said, putting both of his hands next to hers on the wheel, trying to gain control again. She shivered at the mere contact of their hands.
"Like that?" she asked, her voice slightly shaking.
"Yes exactly" he said, whispering in her ear, smelling her perfume.
"You need to listen to the waves; they'd tell you everything you need to know" he explained before hearing her teeth clatter.
"Fuck I'm cold" she muttered under her breath.
"Woah this is the first time I hear you curse" he teased, his hands moving to warm her arms up and down. "Actually it's not. The first time was when" he said, before whispering to her the dirty thing he had done to her that 'other time'. His breath tickled her neck.
"This is the first time the 'other time' comes up in a non fight" she realized.
"Yeah" he whispered, "Donna if you want I'll take your place, u can sit in down there, there's no air flow" he said gesturing to a lower level on the boat.
"No no it feels good to – " she said, before he continued.
"Be in control" he said, and she mumbled a yeah.
"Just keep me warm" she said, and there's no request he would have loved to do more.
He kept rubbing her arms up and down, allowing himself once to caress his way down to her waist.
She turned the boat around.
"That was great. Very smooth" he praised her, before they both sat back down.
"What am I going to do about Mike?" Harvey asked himself.
"I don't know, but whatever it is, we're in this together" she comforted him.
"No, if it comes down to it, I'm keeping you out of it" he said, shaking his head.
"No Harvey, you won't take the fall for both of us" she refused.
"I want to. You have a great life ahead of you, your family wants you, you have things to lose" he explained.
"And you have nothing to lose?" she asked him, hurt. She was talking about herself.
"It's just the best option out of two" he explained.
"No" she said, taking his hand. "We'll find a solution together, and stay out of prison the both of them. Neither of us will have to lose anything" she said, squeezing his hand. She rested her head on his shoulder, and he reminded himself to breathe.
They reached the harbor twenty minutes later.
"Thank you for following me Donna" he said sincerely, looking into her eyes as they stood at the edge of the boat.
"I told you I'd follow you to the ends of the earth" she reminded him and he smiled, feeling the warmth in his body.
"Look Donna, when you asked me HOW I loved you" he started.
"You don't have to say anything" she stopped him.
"I know. But I want to. I just want you to know that just because I don't know how to answer, or am afraid to, doesn't mean that I don't – love you. Cause I do. More than I've loved anything. But I know it's not enough, and I'm trying to be a better man for you Donna" he said sincerely, his heart beating out of his chest.
She stepped towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck, as he held her close, burrying her face in his neck.
"I'll wait for you" she whispered into his ear, before stepping away.
"Your jacket" she said then realizing she hadn't given it back.
"Keep it. You can give it to me later, maybe at lunch one day next week?" he suggested, nervously.
She nodded, her smile turning into a big grin.
"See you Harvey" she said, walking away.
When I need hope and inspiration
You're always strong when I'm tired and weak
I could search This whole world over
You'll still be everything that I need.
You're my bread when I'm hungry
You're my shelter from troubled winds
You're my anchor in life's ocean
But most of all you're my best friend.
A.N: Hey guys! Thanks for reading. This is a one-shot about an idea I've had for a while in my head.
I hope you enjoyed it,
Don't forget to leave a review to let me know what you think.
-G