|: Cut :|
A/N : I am aware that you are seemingly tired of my A/N's, but for this story, it is necessary. It's better to make some things clear, rather than creating unwanted controversies.
First things first, this is STRICTLY AU. Has nothing to do with the workings of the CID. Secondly and most importantly, it is entirely one-sided. Tarika does not, or will never know Rocky's love for her. He never gets in her way of happiness, and ensures that she is happy with Abhijeet. So, Abhirika lovers can relax.
Based on the song 'Cut' by Plumb. You can listen to it while reading this. A female song, but goes well with the theme of the story.
Also, this is sort of a dedication to PR and MM. I know PR, half the ideas have been inspired by you, but still, a very small effort from my end. Though I know I cannot be even five percent as good as you both are, and cannot get anywhere close to you. Just consider it a small present, because you both deserve every bit of it. A bit short one, though.
Read at your own risk.
Warning : Depressing story.
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He closed his eyes to let temporary relief take over him. The bullet wound seemed to sting him more sharply, and his eyes opened wide with a jerk, the momentary relief being taken over by anxiety and a sudden undefined pain.
He knew it was not the wounds, for his body had tackled injuries much severe and fatal than this. It was her – her face, her thoughts – which his mind couldn't do away with. He felt an urge to curse his own self for not letting him shut his eyes, even once, without showing him her face. For taking his sleep away. He let out a mock-sarcastic laugh for blaming his mind to abandon all the dangerous conspiracies of a ruthless gangster, and adopt a painful heartbreaking strategy of losing himself shamelessly to her.
Managing a faint smile through his pain, he tried to figure out for the hundredth time, what was it about her that she had overtaken his entire life – his breath, his sleep, his mind. Earlier when he had tried finding out an answer, he was unsuccessful. He was unable to explain why would a cold-blooded and feral gangster like him would fall head-over-heels for a girl, to be rendered speechless whenever he thought of her. A gangster who wouldn't think twice before taking a life. A gangster who had once plotted against destroying the entire CID team.
He now hated himself for having entered the CID.
Shifting a bit in his position, he tried again that time to find the answer. It was then he realized – he had left a part of himself with her. Never to be reunited with again. No matter how hard he tried, that part refused to budge and return back to him. Maybe this was the reason he could feel her presence, her existence in every direction he turned.
The wound seemed to stab him more intensely as he thought of her – her smile, her curls, that inexplicable shine in her eyes.
It was then he thought to himself, "I'm not a stranger, No I am yours". He flinched as her face came floating right in front of him. "With crippled anger… And tears that still drip sore"
He couldn't explain it, but he felt like laughing out loud and crying his heart out at the same time. Laugh because he was contented that he won't be bothering her again. She would live happily ever, with the man whom she loved dearly. For a moment, her radiant face full of hope and happiness poised in front of him, and his trembling hand clutched his chest to stop the nagging feeling in his heart.
The feeling was instantly washed over by a pang of sudden grief, for he knew he wasn't going to see her again. He just wished she wouldn't ever get to bear any pain in her life as he did. She was a sensitive girl, with simple expectations, too delicate to deserve pains, yet resilient to handle them. He had learned that during the days, when he silently used to watch her being engrossed in her work, admire her… long for her. When he used to watch her from a distance, just to see her smile. The smile which made him forget his own name – his existence.
All he could do, was only wish. "A fragile frame aged, with misery. And when our eyes meet, I know you see"
One thing he deeply regretted was, being unable to make eye contact with her, for he knew she would find out. Not the fact that he's not the man whom she loves, but the more bitter truth that his eyes couldn't hide his love for her. And nothing would've hurt her more than that.
A tear escaped his eye, as the mere image of her grief-stricken sullen face appeared on the walls before him. The wounds stung him more sharply as he let his mind drift back to her thoughts. The feeling of mingled pain and calmness arose back. "I do not want to be afraid… I do not want to die inside just to breathe in. I'm tired of feeling so numb"
He allowed his heart to, once again, lose itself completely on her, and the sting of the wound suddenly seemed to soothe down. Maybe just the mere thought of her was all his injuries needed to heal. He smiled peacefully, closing his eyes again, his eyelids displaying her smiling face again.
It was as if he didn't need anything else now. He was complete. "Relief exists I find it when I am cut"
He wished for once, if he would've mustered the courage to express his feelings to her. To let her know that she means the world to him. Probably more than that. To let her know that every bit of his soul needs her, awaits her. Till his last breath.
But, he knew it was not possible. Not in the past. Not now. Never ever.
He then remembered the man whose face he had borrowed. The man whom he hated with every drop of his blood. But, the feeling of hatred had slowly simmered down, for she wouldn't like anyone hating him. She had always fought for him, fought against people to save him from them.
He wondered if the Goody-two-shoes Senior Inspector would ever be able to love her the way he did. He wondered if, for a split second, she would've garnered the same feelings for him. He would've found out if he would've stared deep in her eyes, although he was certain her eyes would've failed him in that aspect.
He let out a soft laugh, as the nagging in his heart increased with the aggravating wound besides his chest. "I may seem crazy … or painfully shy. These scars wouldn't be so hidden, if you would just look me in the eye"
He wished for the Senior Inspector never to hurt her or bring a single tear in her eye, for she relied upon him. For her happiness, a life full of eternal love. Which he had thought of giving her only in his dreams.
All he could do, was only wish.
He ran his shaking fingers over the scar on his face, and he now realized the real purpose of cutting it. It was more than the unique identity which he wanted to have, to differentiate himself from Mr. Goody-two-shoes. It was a realization – a harsh slap in the face, that he would never be able to get her. He might try reaching for the star, but the scar made him realize that it was way out of his reach. And that he should stop trying to reach. If he wanted all the happiness in the world for her.
And he knew she would never get it from him. She definitely didn't deserve it from a ferocious gangster, who's killed thousands of innocent lives on his way. Even though he'd always love her more than he'd even hated her boyfriend. More than anything.
He scoffed. He couldn't really call himself a ferocious gangster anymore. In fact, he couldn't consider himself capable of anything, at this point.
The mixed feelings of angst, loneliness and grief engulfed him as the truth hit him like a brick in the head. "I feel alone here and cold here… Though I don't want to die. But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside"
Through the throbbing pain in his chest, he tried to recollect the last time – or, even once, in his entire life – he had come across something so pure. So real. Hell, he had never, in the darkest of his dreams, wondered that it would be so hypnotic, that it'd take his entire soul away. Change him into a completely different person. A person who gave way for emotions, pain, solitude…. Love.
He wished he had never met her. He'd never have gotten the feeling of being unable to see her again. The wound besides his chest started increasing, and before he realized, it became unbearable. He managed to smile – this time, more peacefully and satisfactorily. "I do not want to be afraid…. I do not want to die inside just to breathe in. I'm tired of feeling so numb"
For the last time, as he saw her face dancing in front of his eyes, he felt a deep indefinable relief. As though, his soul was being lifted away from the pains. Towards eternity. "Relief exists I find it when… I am cut"
The wounds seemed to heal on their own, as he allowed his eyes to shut themselves. Permanently.
It was time.
He happily let his body give way to the pains, to swallow him in, to take him. For he knew his heart won't go alone. He'd be taking her thoughts, her face, her smile along with him. His lips produced a smile unknowingly. "I am not alone…. I am not alone"
Finally, his body gave way, his hands becoming stiff. His eyes showed him her face for the last time, before closing down, tears escaping from them.
He prepared to take off, her memories alongside. "I'm not a stranger, no I am yours…With crippled anger… And tears that still drip sore"
His heartbeat dropped to a dead silence, and stopped, once his lips had whispered predictably,
"Tarika"
The nurse entered the hospital ward, only to find him sleeping peacefully, with an unknown satisfaction evidently visible on his face.
All he did, was to wish.
~~ The End ~~
A/N : Again, this is completely one-sided. Although Rocky loves Tarika unconditionally, he never wants her to love him back, because he himself feels that she deserves much better than being with a gangster.
I haven't described many things in the story, and you may feel that some scenes are repetitive. The reason for the same being, since Rocky is nearing his death, he cannot actually make sense of anything around him. Plus, Tarika's thoughts make him forget the surroundings, the atmosphere and everything else. So, the focus is only restricted to his feelings about her, when he's dying.
The reason why it is mentioned whether Abhijeet can or cannot love Tarika the way Rocky does, is because the story is from Rocky's point of view. He cannot really get to accept the fact that anyone ever loves her the way he does.
As an additional point, I have been told that I am considerably rude with my Author's notes. Well, to be very honest, that is something which I cannot really help. I tend to get a bit aggressive while explaining certain things. Consider it my limitation, but I just cannot simmer down. Besides, I have tried going the mild and polite way, but trust me, it all went in vain. Nevertheless, I'll try to work on it, but no guarantees. Till then, you will have to bear the harshness in my notes.
Regarding the reviews, I'd repeat the same thing. Please don't review just for the sake of it. If you don't like, don't force yourself to review.
Just hoping that I didn't disappoint you PR and MM. :-)