Questions You Should Never Ask a Genius (need I say more?)
A Spencer Reid/ Jack Hotchner-centric crack-fic
Author:
Ghost Rider of the Aragon
Rating: G
Genre: Humor/Parody
School was out for the week. Little five-year-old Jack Hotchner climbed onto the bus, his mind spinning with all his ideas to make the weekend at Aunt Jessie's fun. So far his best idea was to fill his back pack up with all his action figures and stage a huge firefight in his bedroom. But he had done that dozens of times. Where was the fun in that? What if he slid them down the banister rail? No, too much like Toy Story. He gritted his teeth in frustration with a look that would have made his father's team burst out laughing; he looked so much like his father. The bus came to a stop, and Jack hopped off and waved good bye to his friends. He walked down the sidewalk, and then turned up the driveway. He walked through the front door, and saw his father standing in the entry way, on the phone.
"Yeah, I know it's short notice, but please?" He listened for a second.
"C'mon Reid, you're not that bad with kids." Five seconds later,
"Great, I'll bring him right over. Thanks. Good-bye." Hotch turned to Jack
"What's going on, Daddy?" Jack asked. If Uncle Spencer was involved in this, things could get interesting.
"Aunt Jessie tripped on her stairs this morning, and she sprained her ankle, and fractured her right arm. So I just talked Uncle Spencer into keeping you overnight, and then Saturday night you go to Aunt JJ's." Jack nodded. Spending the night at Uncle Spencer's? This could be really interesting. Hotch roughed up his son's hair, and they got into the car and drove off.
They pulled up into Reid's parking space. Jack grabbed his mini duffel bag, and hopped down from the backseat. Hotch placed a hand on his son's shoulder and guided him up the stairs to Reid's floor. They found the right door, and knocked. From inside, they could hear a flustered,
"Give me a minute!" Within a few minutes, Reid answered the door.
"Hey guys, sorry about that. I was trying to clear out the guest bedroom. There were some boxes in the way."
"Sorry it's such short notice, but my sister in law hurt herself this morning." Hotch said as he led Jack into Reid's apartment. Jack looked around. This place didn't really look that interesting. There were just shelves of books and a TV over in the corner. That had possibilities; maybe they could watch Looney Tunes tomorrow morning. Tomorrow was Saturday after all. And what was Saturday without cartoons?
Before Jack knew what was happening, his dad was hugging him good bye, and then he was gone. Reid shut the door and turned to Jack.
"What do you want to do?" Jack shrugged. Reid thought a moment.
"How about we get your stuff put in your room, and then we can figure something out. I've got some ideas." Jack nodded.
"I guess that'd be okay." Jack picked up his bag and followed Reid down the short hallway to the spare room. He put his bag alongside the bed, and sat down on the edge.
"Now what?" he asked innocently. Reid appeared to be putting all the brainpower he could muster into this simple question.
"Are you hungry yet?"
"Depends on what dinner is gonna be." came the characteristic five-year-old answer.
"Mac'n'cheese?"
"Nah."
"Chef Boyardee?"
"What kinds?"
"Spaghetti-o's or ravioli."
"Nah."
"Pizza?"
"Maybe."
"Pepperoni and sausage. With cheese in the crust."
"Definitely." Jack answered, smiling. It wasn't every night that he got pizza. Reid smiled, and picked up the phone.
The rest of the evening was uneventful. While picking up the pizza, they made a stop at a video rental store, and picked up a couple of movies. They got home as fast as they could and enjoyed the pizza. Both Jack and Reid fell asleep watching DespicableMe.
Saturday morning found them both asleep on the couch. Reid felt the sun hit his face, and he sat up. Jack was curled up in a comfortable little ball in the opposite corner of the sofa. Reid turned on the TV, and found some cartoons. Hopefully Jack would like that. Within minutes, Jack was up, watching as Bugs Bunny outsmarted both Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd simultaneously. Reid watched with amusement as a whole group of hunters opened fire on Daffy after he told Bugs that it was really duck season.
"Is this one of your favorites?" Reid asked. Jack nodded, staring at the screen.
"Yeah I watch it with daddy whenever he's home on a Saturday." Then a commercial came on. It was that old Tootsie Pop commercial, with the little boy and the owl. When it was finished, Jack had a thoughtful look on his face. He turned to Reid, a hint of challenge glinting in his eyes.
"You're supposed to be really smart, right?" Reid looked taken aback.
"Well, yeahhhh…"
"Really really smart. Like, genius, right?"
"IQ of 187." Reid said, wishing he could read the little boy's mind.
"My daddy says that commercial has been around since he was my age, so I am assuming that you've seen it before too." Reid did not like where this was going.
"Yeah I've seen it a time or two." Jack looked especially mischievous now. This. Was. Not. Good.
"Uncle Spencer, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?" Jack was surprised by Reid's answer. Mostly because he had never thought that any question was beyond Uncle Spencer's knowledge.
"I don't know, Jack." Reid was surprised at himself for not knowing. Then a thought hit him.
"I might not know, but there is only one way to find out." Jack's face split into a grin as he understood what Reid meant.
Later that afternoon, JJ came by with Henry to pick Jack up. She knocked on the door. Getting no answer, she cautiously opened it and stepped into the living room. Reid was on one end of the couch, thoughtfully licking a Tootsie Pop. Jack sat opposite of Reid, tallying. JJ cocked her head to one side.
"What are you guys doing?"
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack said. Reid threw his hands up in exasperation.
"What did you have to go do that for? I was almost there! Way to go, JJ."
"Well you can always start fresh with a new sucker." Reid shook his head frantically.
"NO! You don't understand! That was the last one! I've consumed enough sugar to throw a diabetic into a coma! Scratch that; twenty diabetics. Look, my hands are shaking! I can't take any more!" JJ shook her head in disbelief.
"You ate a whole bag of Tootsie Pops by yourself?"
"No he didn't, I helped!" Jack piped up. He gave Reid a high five.
"He had a few of them, as a control sample. But that was the last one, and I swear, if I ever see another Tootsie Pop, I'll scream." Reid said.
"I'll have to figure something else out. Jack, we'd better give JJ your stuff and send you on your way." Jack jumped up and ran to the spare bedroom at what seemed to be warp speed. Reid shook his head.
"No more Tootsie Pops for me." JJ smiled. Jack walked back into the room.
"You ready, buddy?"
"Yeah. Bye Uncle Spencer!" JJ gave Reid a hug.
"You know what you said about the Tootsie Pop thing? We'll see about that."
"Huh?" JJ smiled. She walked out the door with Jack in tow.
"Bye Spence!"
NEXT MONDAY (OCTOBER 31), BAU HEADQUARTERS, QUANTICO, VIRGINIA
Reid walked into the break room, and everything seemed to be in place. He got a cup of coffee and dosed it with a heaping spoonful of sugar. So far, so good. Then he went down to his desk. Reid turned pale, which, since he was already pale, was saying a lot. His desk was invisible, buried beneath a mammoth pile of bags of Tootsie Pops. He visibly paled.
"MORGAN!"