A Very Long Estrangement: A Lupin III Musical
A/N: This fanfiction will be written like any other, but when a song begins, the stage directions will be in italics. Also, the stage directions will be in present tense. The rest of the narrative will be in the usual past tense, though. I hope you enjoy my little musical!
Lupin's gang was on summer vacation in Okinawa, on Ishigaki island. They were hidden near the base of Mt. Nosoko, in an underground hideout that was disguised as a culvert. Everyone was there. Except for Fujiko, that is, who had ripped Lupin off a few days prior. She was in disguise and using an assumed name so that she could stay at an expensive hotel.
In the hideout, Lupin was talking on the phone. "What's that, Fuji-cakes? You're sorry? Don't worry, baby, you know I've already forgiven you. Aw, I love you too! Catch ya later!" Lupin hung up and giggled. He turned to his friends to tell them about his conversation, but they were glaring at him.
For once, Jigen did not look relaxed on the couch. He was sitting up straight. "Don't you remember how Fujiko betrayed us?! What has it been, five frickin' minutes?!"
"Lupin, you are being juvenile," said Goemon. He was tapping Zantetsuken slightly too hard. "You are hurting yourself and others."
Lupin tapped his foot impatiently. "This again? You know how I'll respond, guys! This happens every week!"
A jaunty little orchestral number, like something out of West Side Story, plays in the background.
LUPIN:
Don't you know my Fujiko
drives me crazy both ways?
It may be cliché, but I can see,
oh yeah, love is for me!
Hot or cold, black or white,
when it comes down to it, we're always right!
No couple can match our alluring creativity,
yeah, oh, love is for me!
Now I understand why you guys are cynics,
when it comes to me and my Fuji-cakes, everyone's a critic.
But I can see, what you're really feeling's jealousy,
because love, oh love, is for me!
Jigen groans. "Fujiko was never yours to begin with. If you thought so, you don't need any help to be driven frickin' crazy!" he says. He gets up off the couch to look down at Lupin.
JIGEN:
If you think I'm jealous,
your head's addled with madness.
You think you're so smart and clever,
do you need to be reminded,
the last time she netted us a good deal was never?!
Goemon doesn't stand up, but he nods. "That mirrors my thoughts exactly, Jigen," he says. He taps Zantetsuken to a faster rhythm, and the background music speeds up to match.
GOEMON:
Romance should not involve abuse.
Clearly, all she wants to be is chased.
She'll always put thrills first,
don't you see you're being obtuse?
For you, she'd never be chaste.
Lupin pouts. He snatches Goemon's mallet away and chucks it behind the couch.
LUPIN:
I admit my Fujiko's moods sometimes swing,
but you guys can't recognize our great thing!
With my Fuji-cakes I'm never bored,
our games show each other we're adored!
You guys are pathetic! You're lonely and bitter,
cut from the same sad cloth, from the same litter.
Why don't you just go find two hot lovers,
instead of sitting and acting like confirmed bachelors?
JIGEN:
We've gone down that path before.
Those goddamn tales end in deceit, death, and betrayal.
GOEMON:
Two understanding women versed in the spiritual,
with a respect for our weapons, and the desire to help us, not to hurt...
JIGEN:
When you find them, then give us a frickin' call!
You don't deserve to act like you're all full of sunshine!
In the end, it's gonna be the same tired, old punchline!
Jigen and Goemon march toward Lupin, making him back up into a corner. Lupin's eyes dart around, looking for a way to escape.
JIGEN AND GOEMON:
If romance wanted to come knock at our door,
then it should just run and find us.
Shenanigans like Fujiko's would never blind us!
Without women, we're perfectly happy,
No, love is not for me!
With their final shout, Lupin falls over on his side. His friends walk back to their seats, nonchalant. Lupin frowns like a petulant toddler.
"Fine. I'm not going to waste my time arguing when I've known I've been right from the start." Lupin stood up and dusted himself off. "Have fun vegetating till you die of old age!" He stormed out of the door, and slammed it hard. The sound echoed through the room.
Jigen and Goemon sat back down, annoyed. Goemon kept Zantetsuken in its sheath, and Jigen didn't go back to lounging around. The anger in the air was thick and buzzing, like a swarm of frightened killer bees.
Jigen lit a cigarette. He took a deep drag of it. "You know what Lupin needs? A taste of his own medicine."
"If poison is what you are referring to, I agree." Goemon drew his sword again, and examined it carefully. He frowned. "But no matter how many times Fujiko runs off with other men, Lupin never realizes how his behavior is just as hurtful as hers."
"Too bad we don't have lovers. Then we could just act obnoxious and force an epiphany on him," said Jigen.
Goemon put his sword in its scabbard slowly. It clicked shut. "Could we find two women to merely pose as our love interests? Perhaps Lupin forgot that he's not the only brilliant actor."
"Lupin would catch on when we use a ton of money to hire the actors," said Jigen. "It'd have to be women we already knew."
Goemon closed his eyes. "A shame. If only we could just pose as a couple together."
"Hey, man, that's perfect!" yelled Jigen. "We don't need women when we have each other."
"Jigen, I know we've concluded that Lupin has a screw loose, but I don't think he's gullible enough to fall for that."
"Hey, you said we're brilliant actors, right?" Jigen grinned.
Lupin crossed his arms. "Okay, guys, why did you call me back here? Why do you want to chew me out this time?"
Jigen and Goemon glanced at each other. "Actually," said Goemon, "we thought very seriously about what you told us."
Lupin sighed. "Yeah, and what conclusion did you come to? That I need to be sent to an institution?"
"We decided that you have a point," said Jigen.
"I knew you'd say that—wait, what?!" Lupin's eyes widened. "You mean you want to go pick up chicks?"
Goemon and Jigen chuckled. Lupin bit his lip, suddenly feeling nervous. He looked left and right, sensing something was very off about this situation.
Jigen had a catlike grin on his face. "I think that ship has sailed, right, Goemon?"
"Right. Lupin, we're already dating. Each other," said Goemon.
Lupin blanched. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead. But after a few seconds, the color came rushing back to his face. He snorted. He burst into hearty laughter, and he had to hold his stomach to keep from crumpling over.
"What the hell is so funny?" asked Jigen.
Lupin wiped tears from his eyes. He stood up and adjusted his jacket. "Okay, I admit it. That was hilarious! I was starting to think that you didn't have a sense of humor."
"Uh... Lupin, we're not joking," said Goemon.
"Really?" Lupin smirked. "Then why don't you kiss your new boyfriend?" At the word "boyfriend," he almost laughed again. "Go ahead. Be affectionate. I want to see how much you love each other."
Goemon mumbled some inaudible excuse.
Jigen quickly moved to stand in front of him. "Stop embarrassing Goemon! What, is it against the frickin' law to be a private guy these days?"
"There's a huge difference between between being private and being a faker, Jigen." Lupin pouted. "You're starting to freak me out. You can drop this gag anytime."
"Stop disrespecting our relationship." Goemon had managed to regain his composure. "We're going out. If you want to apologize, you can wait until after our date is over." He grabbed Jigen's hand, and walked out the door with him.
"Hey, hey, wait! Where are you going?" Lupin called.
"None of your business!" Jigen slammed the door.
Lupin sat down on the couch. "Man, that was weird." He looked at the door, and listened to his friends leaving the hideout. He knew it wouldn't be hard to follow them. On the one hand, this is nuts, he thought. On the other hand, they're being oddly protective... I wonder... Lupin stood up, and slunk over to the far wall of the living room. He pressed his hand to a specific spot, and a hidden drawer popped out of the wall. He took out a miniature voice recorder from the drawer, before closing it again. Whatever it is, this'll be fun.