The Bleeding

I remember when all the games began
Remember every little lie and every last goodbye
Promises you broke, words you choked on
And I never walked away,
It's still a mystery to me

It's been over a year now. Since you left me, cast me off, left me out in the woods to die. It's been over a year since you told me you didn't love me and turned away. I still ache with the pain, I still hear those words when I'm down, thick tendrils of fog reach into my mind and draw them from my hidden memories. You have no idea of the pain that you left me in. I pretty much ceased to exist after that; only doing the necessary things to stay alive, nothing more, nothing less.

Did you ever truly love me?

Did you ever want me?

Well I'm so empty
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me
Well you're so unclean
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me

Soon it changed. Obviously the pain has never truly been erased but I've found things to fill the empty space you've left me with. That space that used to belong to my heart, until you cruelly stole it away. I realised that you only took away my humanity, filling my head with false messages; hideous subtleties that took away my discretion. You'd secretly moulded me into a mindless dependant girl; secretly brainwashed me into your slave. You treated me like a toy, picked up and discarded without a care in the world. I'd served my punishment. My only crime was devotion. I was killing myself inside.

Was I that worthless?

Was I too human?

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred (deceiving), the beatings; it's over

I filled my life with Jacob and my friends; people you'd led me into forgetting about when we were together. I realised how supportive and honoured I was to have such pleasant people surrounding me. It hurt me to realise I'd done what you did to me. I'd picked them up when I first arrived in this god forsaken town and then discarded them when you showed me any attention. However you'd taught me to not let anyone get close to me and soon I'd alienated nearly everyone. Thank you for that. Thank you so much. You must've known about how your looks brought anyone to their knees. You knew that you could make anyone do anything. You just used me to get what you wanted; used me to fuel your pathetic ego.

Were you trying to ruin my life?

Were you really that shallow?

Paint the mirrors black to forget you
I still picture your face and the way you used to taste
Roses in a glass, dead and wilted
To you this all was nothing
Everything to you is nothing

You must've have loved seeing me destroy my life because of you're doing. I bet that really made you feel big. I was just another mindless slave to you. Why didn't you let the stupid van crush me? Because you would've lost the slave you were grooming. You're just another worthless being, another user, another disgusting old man who liked to abuse his power and looks on those unsuspecting people. I really wasn't anything to you. The way you cast me aside proved that much. But I can't deny how I felt for you, I can't put aside my love for you, I can't get over you.

Why do I still feel this way?

Why can't I get over you?

Well you're so filthy
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me
Well I'm so ugly
You're better off without me and I'm better off alone

You came back three weeks ago. It was a shock to me out of everyone. You hadn't changed a bit, not that I expected you to but still it scared me half out of my wits. Seeing you changed everything, I went back to the one who depended on you, rather than the independent woman I'd managed to slowly become. You came alone, none of your family were back but you evaded their remarks and questions. You didn't even look at me. You just carried on as normal. You were still too good for me. You didn't say a word to anyone. Still, I yearned for your touch, the whole in my soul ripped wide open and flared with intensity like no other. I could taste my heart in the air around him, that stench that clung to him but stayed as sweet and wholesome as any other. It killed me to see you so empty.

Why did you return?

Why do I still need you near me?

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings (disaster); it's over

Less than a week ago you collided with me. A first for an Adonis like you. I looked deep into your eyes, deep pools of onyx stared back at me. I stumbled back to the floor in shock at the hardness and closure of them. It was like you were looking but not seeing. You picked up your books and walked off, leaving me on the floor in shock. Slowly tears came to my eyes, you really hated me. I couldn't understand why you returned, you couldn't put a finger on your aloof nature. I wanted so desperately to crawl back into those stone arms and pretend nothing had ever happened. You stared at me in my lessons. When I tried to talk to you, you simply turned as if you hadn't heard me. You seemed so lost and hurt at times when you're guard was down; when you thought no one was looking, but you never noticed me.

What had I done wrong?

What could I do to help you?

As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me
You're the darkest burning star, you're my perfect disease

Today, you came up to me; you pushed a piece of paper in my hand and closed my fingers around it gently. I stood rooted to the spot as you walked away without a glance. I couldn't blink, breathe or move. I felt a hand on my shoulder pushing me out of the way. I stumbled forward to the floor and let the paper fly from my grasp. The wind took hold of it and it blew into the air. I chased it suddenly waking from my reverie. It danced out into the grounds where it rested in the hand of its owner. I stared at you as you brought the paper to your face and read it. Then you balled it up and threw it in the bin. I gaped at you as you walked away. Again.

What had you written to me?

What was it I wasn't allowed to see?

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings; it's over
Disaster
The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings; it's over
Disaster

Just now you were in my house. The message was quickly forgotten. The time you left closed so easily. I wanted it so badly; I would've gladly died for it. Now I can reminisce on a time lost by none and a forever I would've spent in your arms. I can still smell you in the air, taste you on my lips, my hair is still ruffled from your touch, my body is stone cold, I feel the fire that breathes in my veins, the kiss you placed on my collarbone and the bite that you left on my neck.

It's over now...

The song I used for this story is The Bleeding- Five Finger Death Punch. You should check it out, it's amazing.

Please review.

Beth

xx