A/N: Spoiler alert. My version of the 100th episode.
How She Lost Him
Blair's POV
I sat in front of the mirror, gazing at the girl in front of me, staring back, wearing white, a crown on her head, declaring herself as a Princess. But she was sad, hollow and somehow confused by her crown that she took it off and looks at it, whispering, "What I wanted was happiness. I had it and thrown it away."
Then I found myself gazing at the ceiling, on my satin sheets and tears on my face. The dream had been going on for a week now. I pushed myself up, rubbing my head a bit. It is frustrating that these subconscious are now judging what I'm doing. I pinched myself. "Of course you're doing the right thing, Blair. You're marrying Louis, who is sweet and kind and…"
"Miss Blair?" Dorota peeked into my room. "You awake?"
"Yes."
"It is wedding day today," Dorota reminded and I just had to roll my eyes.
"I think I should know that better than you do," I hoped she didn't remind me at all, because this cold feet is really stressing me out.
I love Louis, or loved. I don't know anymore. I am way confused now and the therapist said maybe it's hormonal since I lost him. My baby. My boy. I buried my face on the pillow, trying to forget the day when I lost my… should you even call it a baby yet, I don't know. But I had lost a child that was in me. Also the day where I lost my hopes on loving Chuck, because loving him was too much but not loving him was unbearable. But this baby, who I had struggled enough to keep safe was much more than Chuck, as when Chuck was in a coma, my baby was on the verge of death. The doctor said the heartbeat was getting lower and it keeps getting lower. I panicked a bit, asking for every help I needed. I even prayed to the Lord so He'll keep him alive. Because my baby is mine.
But then he didn't make it, and it feels like he didn't even want to make it in this cruel world. I stayed silent when the Doctor told me, and the pain to 'get it out' as they say, didn't hurt so much to the fact that I lost him. I lost my baby, and it hurts everywhere. I saw Chuck waking up, and I had to smile when I said goodbye, because all these signs says one thing, Chuck and Blair, you can't add anyone into that let alone a child, and it sickens me to know that. I don't blame Chuck for my son's death, but I can't allow another series of Chuck and Blair take away what was important to me, again. I asked Chuck to understand, and I think he did.
"Hey Blair?" Dan looked into my room when I was staring at the dress hanging in the middle if the room. "Staring again?" I laughed a bit on that. Only Humphrey knew my newly adapted habit of staring into space.
"I was just admiring Vera's very beautiful dress," I told him, looking back and saw him full in tux. He cleans up well. Only Dan was able to stop me from going nuts when I lost my baby. I had a full week of depression after I lost the baby, and he was always around to grab me from my worse nutcase self and tuck me in my bed. He said Chuck told him to look after me.
"Well, you look like you're staring, so…" Dan smiled. But he rather looked tired, like he hasn't had enough sleep. "Anyway, I'm not here for some chat with the bride, I'm here to actually give you this."
He handed me a small wrapped box. "What is this?"
"Your wedding gift."
I eyed him before I started to open the box, but he stopped me.
"I did say it's your wedding gift, which means you have to go for the unwrapping process after your wedding," he insisted. I rolled my eyes once again.
"You could just stack them with the rest of it on the reception, Dan," it feels awkward to say his name, but it felt nice somehow.
"Yeah," he looked down, a gesture I have always seen him doing recently. And then he asked me with a warm smile. "Are you happy, Blair?"
I wasn't sure why I was lying, "I am now."
"Well, good. Means I sent you to the right guy now," he nodded before he excused himself.
Yes, Dan had my relationship with Louis back on track. I lost the baby, and I went almost crazy. Dan called up Louis, and there he was, the prince, standing beside my bed, asking for forgiveness. He was the prince I fell in love with, the kind eyes stared back at me, and he proposed again, for real this time I said yes, not because it was the spur of the moment. Well, it kind of is, but I felt that without Chuck as my baggage, I was allowed to accept Louis with all my heart.
Though I didn't, now it's clear. I am having cold feet, I am confused and I am having the worst time of the day just staring at my Vera Wang's dress when I'm supposed to be in it. I know for sure it wasn't Chuck because when he came by the other day, I know, I see it. It is over between us, for good. He's a good man, and to stay that way, he would be fine without me. Although it is nice that he had Dan check up on me on his behalf.
I finally slip on my dress, just right before my bridesmaid came in. Serena's bright smile entered my view and I can't help but smile back, she's that infectious.
"B! You look beautiful!" Serena beamed. And the compliments came in from everyone that enters the room, mother and Cyrus, daddy and Roman, Lily and Rufus, Chuck, and surprisingly Princess Sophie too. People stopped coming in, leaving me and Serena who is helping me putting on my veil.
"Where's Dan?" I don't know why I asked, really. It just came out of my mouth. I saw Serena fidgeted in an uncomfortable manner.
"He's out there," Serena simply said.
"He's already in the church? I saw him before though. He came in to give me my wedding gift."
"No," Serena sighs a little. "I mean he's literally out there, right behind your door." I turned and marched to the door, opened it and saw him standing there, mumbling something through his phone.
"I'll call you back," he immediately hung up. "Hey."
"What are you doing out here? Get in," I pulled him inside but he declined.
"No. No. I'm just here because Louis told me to look out for you," he forces a smile. Why does he have to do that? "I'll stay here. I mean you're going to get dressed and all.."
"Dan, I'm already dressed," I showed him my gown.
"Yes, and you're beautiful, but I prefer sitting out here, if you don't mind," he almost pleaded. Why does he?
"B, we need to fix that veil, Louis is waiting in the altar," Serena pulled me in and closed the door on Dan.
And then there I was, in a car with my dads, approaching the church. I am getting more and more confused. I need reassuring, some kind of words to keep me from crumbling. As the car stops, I felt like my heart stopped too. Cyrus went out first holding his hand out, but I waited and waited for something else to happen.
"Blair?" Cyrus asked. My father nudged me a little.
"Is there something wrong?" I heard Dan's voice from outside. He peeked into the car. "Blair?"
"I just… I'm just…." My words are incoherent, I'm stammering.
"Um, okay. Uh, Harold, Cyrus, I need a moment with her for a bit, if that's okay?" Dan asked. I felt my father left my side and Dan entered the car. "Make a round on the block." He instructed and the car moved again. We stayed silent for 2 minutes before he starts, "You know Louis is a good man."
"He is," I agreed.
"Do you want to marry him?" he asked, and I looked up. I saw sincerity in his eyes.
"I don't know."
"It's not really a good time to not know, don't you think?" he laughed a bit. I silenced myself. He took my hand, just like he did on the last valentine. "You deserve to be happy, Blair. The happiest you can be. I thought sending you to Chuck will make you happy, but I got it all wrong obviously. I mean another guy was right there and was enough to make you happier than ever."
"Louis?"
"No," Dan smiled genuinely. "Your baby. And I'm sorry I was too late to see that."
"It's not your fault," I had been saying these words to him every single day since the accident, and I meant it. "And it's not your job to know what makes me happy. I should know that."
"But you don't," Dan looked right through me.
"And you do?" I asked.
"No," Dan answered. "But I think the signs were there when you accepted Louis twice."
"I accepted Chuck more."
"But never accepted his proposals," Dan smiled again. "Blair, Chuck and Louis, they both love you, and they can each make you happy, you got my word on that. Now you just have to choose, for real this time."
"I chose not to be with Chuck anymore," I told him that, even before. Why won't he believe me?
"Which leaves Louis," Dan said. In a way, everything sort of click, but something was still missing.
But his words got me braver to walk down the aisle and there I was, looking at Louis' kind eyes, smiling back at me. I smiled back, I had too. And then he pronounced his vows, which words had won me over.
"Blair, the first time I've met you, you were interesting to me. You were the girl who will push everyone away at a distance so you can count on with perfection. But I got closer to you, and I saw this fragile young woman. I wanted to keep you up so I pursued you before the other, not knowing what I've done was one step to know more of you. I knew then that beneath the surface, there is a Blair Waldorf that not most have seen. I wanted to know you better to be honest, but you scared me, a lot. I took time to figure you out and mostly because I have other obligational duties, but know this, every time I see you look down and being afraid of something, there is a part in me wanting to pull you up, and I didn't even fell for you yet to like every aspects of you. Events brought us together, and you pull me in deeper. Before I realized it, I love you. I love the girl who smirks when she achieved success, I love the girl who smiles genuinely when her coffee was good, and I loved the girl who brought me here to love and cherish her for every moment for the rest of my life. I love you Blair."
It was done, I have accepted Louis, every of him. His love was too beautiful to be rejected. I love him, I love him.
I couldn't stop smiling on the wedding reception. I have a great husband now. Not because he's a prince, but because his love was pure and simple. Just as I have requested. I am happy, at least for now. "Those vows were beautiful, Louis," I looked to his eyes, and it was odd how he just nodded in an uncomfortable silence.
I looked around and saw smiling faces. My dad and Cyrus are a big fan of Rufus' stories. Then it hit me. Where was his son? Where is Dan? My question got interrupted when Chuck came to our table and smiled genuinely.
"Congratulations Blair," Chuck nodded, and I smiled, nodding back.
"Thank you," I can feel Louis eying me, but he has no worries, his vows will win me every single day.
"I hope I can stay but I have some work to do. Plus Monkey is a bit lonely right now," Chuck nodded at Louis and prepared to leave.
"Chuck," the least I could do was thank him. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For understanding, and also for pestering Humphrey to look after me."
"What are you talking about?" Chuck looked confused.
"You told Dan to look after me after the accident," it was somehow a question. "Did you?"
"Blair, that was all him, trust me," Chuck said.
It all went confusing again. Why would Dan said Chuck told him to? Why would he cover up a decent gesture from him? I looked around, trying to find him, but he was nowhere to be found. Serena came and I held her.
"Where's Dan?"
Serena looked around. Her face fell for a moment, and she turned back at me, forcing a smile. "Dan is somewhere outside I guess. You know he's not really keen on these events."
I didn't know what I was doing, but I went out, off to find him. He had some explaining to do. I looked around and see no one. I walked back in and saw Louis staring at me. I sighed. "Have you seen Dan?" Louis was used to me finding Dan all the time, because only Dan understood where I was getting at times.
"No. But I'm sure he'll be here in a moment," Louis held my hand. "Care for a dance?"
A dejavu feeling collapsed on me. I accepted Louis' hand but then I felt as if those words had been said before. Of course it had. Nate and Chuck probably said it a bunch of times. But why do these words felt like it had been said by someone else. Then I remembered how the first of the many times Chuck broke my heart after we officially dated, Dan actually stood there and said I deserved to be happy, and we danced, and I was broken but I felt joy even for just a bit.
"Blair?" Louis asked.
"Sorry," I looked up and smiled. "I'm just…" confused. "Cold."
Louis, the gentleman he is took off his own coat and wrapped it around me. "Better?"
"Yes," No. I'm still confused. "I need to use the restroom."
I looked at the mirror in the restroom. It wasn't like the dream because I felt like I am happy, happy to be a princess. I shook my head and remembered those words by Louis, he loves me and he's a good man. I held on to his coat, which was when I felt a scrunched paper inside his pocket. I took out the paper, and saw a handwritten note. I recognized those words, it was those beautiful vows Louis had spoken. But more importantly, I recognized the writing. It wasn't Louis' beautiful cursive, but rather a blotchy writing. It was Dan's.
I walked out of the restroom, finding Louis waiting for me. His smile was gone when he saw the paper I held. "What is this?"
"Blair…"
"What is this?" I emphasize my question again.
"I…" Louis lost his words. "I asked Dan to help me write my vows. I am not good with words so I asked his help."
"Did he…" I looked back at the paper. "Everything in it, did he write it?"
Louis was hesitating but he said, "Yes."
"Blair, your father is asking for you so…" Serena saw the tension between us. "What's going on?"
"Serena, where's Dan?" I asked.
"I… Blair, I told you, he might be outside…"
"Really? Because I went out and no one was there. Humphrey got a lot of explaining to do! I mean this, and all…"
"What do you want more from him, Blair?" Serena suddenly had her stance on. "What more you want off Dan?"
I was speechless, I didn't know what to say, I was confused. I rested my back on the wall, because everything was so damned confusing now.
"Blair, he did everything to make sure you get your fairy tale, to make you happy," Serena said. "He was waiting outside your room this morning just in case you had a meltdown again, not because Louis tell him to. And now…" Serena stopped.
"And now what?" I asked her.
"And now, you're married, so his obligation to make you happy is done. You got your fairytale. He left," Serena tried to suppress her tears. "He left for his second book tour in San Francisco but when I asked him, when is he coming back, he never answered."
With that, I felt my body became numb, palms sweating and my feet weren't responding to help me up. Dan was gone, and he left with no goodbye. I remembered this morning when he came in to give my wedding gift. "Wedding gift."
Without warning, I stood up and rushed towards the table filled with presents from the guest. I have had Dorota stacked that little box on the table with the rest. I looked around for that tiny box, the tiny box he gave me, the tiny goodbye gift. I looked around like a crazy bridezilla, ignoring all the eyes on me and search and search. There it was, sitting small on the table. I took it and unwrap it. What dropped on my hand was a key and a note.
"If you ever feel lonely in the castle. Feel free to barge in into my loft and make it your own."
Why would I need a key? Because he's leaving of course. If not, he will be the one opening the door while I knocked. He will be the one welcoming me in. He will be one smiling when I stood by his door. And now, he's gone.
"Blair…" Serena approached behind me.
"Where is he right now, Serena?" I asked. Serena didn't answer at first. "Please," I pleaded.
"He's at the airport."
Without thinking about any of my image, any of the observing eyes, any of the cameras pointing at me, any of my husband's pleading for me to stay, I ran off the hall, off the building, looking around desperately. I saw our Get Married car, the driver was in. I quickly entered.
"Just go to JFK as fast as you can," I prompted.
While in the car, flashes of memories came in. From the day he walked through the hallway meeting me at the end when we first knew each other to the time he held my hand during valentine to the morning just now when he gave a silent goodbye. Why was I stupid, why was I stubborn being so much in denial? Why didn't he tell me? Did he meant those vows? Did he love me?
I felt weaker and weaker as I see the clock ticking. He could be on the plane right now, I could be too late.
"Taking a risk, and maybe having everything."
I heard him say that once, and I am going to ignore any abundance of denial my head is telling me, because my heart says, I needs to take a risk. And I am taking it now.
She arrived at JFK, and she ran down the hall, stopping in front of the big screen of flights. The San Francisco gate was open. She ran down to Gate 13, plushed by her gown and clinking by her heels. She looked around, searching and searching for him, for an explanation, for a reassuring moment, for Dan Humphrey. She looked around, searching from the crowds of people. But she found him, a mess she would add.
There he was, sitting on the chair, was Dan Humphrey. The man who had written those vows, the man who had been there for her and the man she cared about the most right now.
"Dan?"
Dan looks up, and his tired eyes went for surprised. She smiles at him, and he returned the favor.
Only if life was fair, because gate 13 was empty. And I saw no Dan Humphrey sitting on the chair like it was in my mind. I was too late, far too late. He was there, my happiness was in front of me, and I threw it away. I had him, always had but now I lost him. My legs felt no strength as I dropped into my puddle of dress, eyes burned to cry, heart numb and energy lost.
Without the slightest realization, I spoke. "I loved you too."
THE END
I know this is depressing, but I am in depressing mode right now so the spoiler fits my mood like this. And I'm tired of making Chuck the bad guy because he really did become bearable when he's with Dan, so I wanted Blair and Chuck to split in a good way. This is mostly Blair's POV fic rather than a Dair fic but the ultimate couple is them. I hope you enjoy it. I may or may not continue, depending on how the real story on the show ends up. If it is to my cup of tea then I'll leave this fic be, if it doesn't, well maybe I'll update.