Spock's Rules for Reviews

By Serena

Summary: Do's and Don'ts of asking for reviews. Or actually... just don'ts.

A/N: This is not meant to offend anyone, considering the fact that I've done just about all of these "don'ts" of asking for reviews. I'm really making fun of myself, here. :)

Disc: Ain't mine.

"Heelllllllooooo!" I said, bursting into the room with a Seinfeld greeting. Spock didn't look at me. "Nice to see you too, Elrond," I said dryly.

"Have you come here for a purpose?" Spock asked me as he stared at the screen in front of him.

"Yeah. I need your help, Spockie."

He still didn't look at me. "Do not call me that, please. And you," he added calmly, "are not supposed to be here."

"Yeah, I know, whatever."

"So why are you here?"

"Shameless self-insert. I need your help."

If Vulcans could look annoyed, Spock was doing one heck of a job. "With what may I assist you?"

I plopped down in the seat next to him and leaned back. "Look, you know about fanfiction, right?"

"Yes, I am aware of it, unfortunately."

"Yeah. Well, you know that authors always want reviews for their stories."

"Yes." He sounded more cautious.

"Right. Well, it's come to my attention that not enough stories are getting reviews. What would you do to get reviews? You know, like a tutorial for all fanfic authors out there. My buddies."

"You are the fanfiction author. Why cannot you write it?"

"You're a Vulcan," I said as if it were obvious.

"I don't understand."

"Vulcans know everything."

He now glanced at me and said, "I would do nothing. I do not write fanfiction."

I groaned. "You're killin' me, Ears. What if you did, huh?"

"I would not. Fanfiction is nothing more than copyright infringement and authors - most of which are young adults - who are not creative enough to write their own plots."

"Hey!" I punched his arm. "Don't diss the fanfic community! I ain't putting up with that!"

"You are not using correct grammar, yet you claim to be an auth-"

"Oh, shut up! Are you gonna help me or not?"

He let out a quiet sigh. "What will it take for you to cease asking me to help you?"

"Um... you helping me?"

Spock stared at me unblinkingly. "I do not believe I will enjoy this experience..."

Well, we eventually finished, and this is how it turned out:

1. Do not beg.
Example: Please review my story!! Please? Please? Please please please please please please please please pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaseeeeee review my story!!!! I'm down on my knees pleading with all my heart and soul and virtual lungs... so pleassseee review!!!!

Spock's suggestion: Write a story worth reading.

2. Do not rant.
Example: So then I wrote this whole entire story for you idiots and the least you could do is review, I mean, c'mon, it doesn't take that much - all you gotta do is press the little blue button and type a few words - you don't even have to move, well barely, so I don't see what the big deal is - I think everyone who reads this story should review because honestly it's not rocket science you know, actually rocket science is really hard, but reviewing is NOT, so you really should review because my story's awesome - the best fanfic ever written, so yeah you should totally review....

Spock's suggestion: Write a story worth reading.

3. Do not whine.
Example: I mean, guys, c'mon, why aren't you reviewing? Man, I mean I worked so hard on this story and all I got was one measley review!!?!? Geezz what is UP with that??? Guuuuuyyyys.... please review! I'm having a really bad daaaayy, just please say anything! C'mon!!

Serena's suggestion: This is a no-whining zone.
Spock's suggestion: Write a story worth reading.

4. Do not lie.
Example: And my aunt died and my uncle died and my dog died and my cat died and my fish died and my hamster died... so please brighten my day and review!!! I'll feel so much better after all the tramua lately. And did I mention my little brother died?

Serena's suggestion: Lying is fun. Just... uh, don't do it.
Spock's guesstion: Write a story worth reading. And do not lie.

5. Do not bribe.
Example: Please review!! If you do I'll send you cookies. Or cake if you prefer. Or a plushie of your fav hottie. Or a new computer. Or a puppy. You like kitties better? I'll get you a kitty. Or how about a cookie? I can afford cookies. No, seriously, what do you want???

Serena's suggestion: I've done this. Guilty as charged.
Spock's suggestion: Write a story worth reading. Bribery leads to blackmail.
Serena: Wait, what?

6. Do not push.
Example: Review!!! You have to! C'mon, just review! You can do it! REEEVIEW!! Just do it! Doesn't take that much, people! Review! Review! REVIEW! REVIEW!! See the words? REVIEW!!!

Serena's suggestion: This is just annoying. Just... don't do it.
Spock's suggestion: Write a story worth reading.
Serena: How original.

7. Do not threaten.
Example: If you don't review, I WILL FIND YOU, and I will HUNT YOU DOWN UNTIL THE END OF YOUR DAYS and you will NEVER be able to walk outside your front door again because you'll know that I WILL BE WATCHING YOU since you did NOT review my story!! So you BETTER review my story or else you will BE DESTROYED. I will find you, cut you into tiny little pieces, put you back together, and then burn you. Make no mistake. So you'd better review. Seriously. I'm warning you. I'm an expert computer hack. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. REVIEW OR DIE.

Serena's suggestion: Just creepy and sadistic.
Spock's suggestion: Write a story worth reading. Get rid of your Saw DVD collection.
Serena: Amen to that.

So, overall, I think it went okay. Spock wasn't too happy about it, but since I blackmailed him into doing it, he didn't have much choice in the matter. Oh, the joy of owning his stolen baby pictures. Mwa haha. I still plan on giving them to Uhura, but he doesn't know it. Hey, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. It'll just totally embarrass him.

So... REVIEW OR I WILL FIND YOU!!! Pleeeeeeeeaaaassee?!?!? Please?!! I've been to the hospital all day and they think I won't live for too much longer, so you all HAVE TO review before I perish!!! Please? I'll give you chocolate! I promise!!! Just review! C'mon!!!

:D

- Serena