I just had to write…and it came out like this.
The days are blurring together in one, slow, sure mess.
I never know if the sun is setting or rising.
I never know what I feel.
I never know how to win.
I never know what to do.
I never know if I want to try.
I know that I feel numb.
Numb…it's a funny word that means different things to different people.
Numb means nothing. You feel nothing, but if you feel nothing then you have to be feeling something.
Or you're numb in retaliation to a feeling you had before. Numbness is retribution. It comes and goes with things that you feel. You have to feel something before going numb.
Therefore, no one is truly numb.
But then, again, some people do just go through the motions of living.
Eating when they have to eat, walking when they have to walk, and breathing when they need to breath.
People who go through motions without a second thought are considered numb, but maybe that's just the way they are made up. Maybe, they don't give it a second thought because that's all they've ever known.
But what's the difference between wanting and needing? Does anyone know? Has anyone ever known?
Wanting is lusting and hoping for something you don't have. You'd die to have the person or object.
Needing is essential. You need water and food and love.
But needing and wanting are just like being numb. It all depends on the person's perspective. Or their views on life.
Then…there is love. Love. The most powerful four letter word in this whole mess we call life. It is thrown around so lightly these days that no one seems to even know what it means anymore, or the power it holds. Love is shown as an all consuming passion, but we who live it know it's anything but. Love is harsh and long and hard.
Love is confusing and hurtful. Especially when you have no idea if anyone even loved you to begin with.
People always tell me that someone out there loves you. There will always be someone out there in some place that loves you.
I've come to the conclusion that that's not true.
I don't even know.