DISCLAINER: Amber belongs to Roger Zelazny, a gift he shared with all of us. A place, where we let loose our flights of fancy.
Unto This World I was Born. . .
What is this? A small thing, trying to avoid my gaze. Something that I could destroy, and it knows if seen it will be destroyed. Why then do I hesitate? I have the power of life and death over the things beneath me. Why don't I destroy it? My will is the ever flowing mass of power that is the Logrus. 'I am a master of it, and it's secrets . . . ' Ancient and revered as the watcher of the Pit was, I could not bring all the words he had spoke to mind. Even now, after years of study and research, I did not understand what he meant by the convoluted warning he recited before letting me set foot upon the inky trail that was the Logrus. Words of warning concerning the 'attraction of oppositely charged particles,' and the 'ramifications of their impact.' I could trust no one to help me with the riddle of the Keeper of the Pit. For if it was something that if I could figure out on my own, then it would be my secret and my power. And power was what I needed. There had been three blatant attempts on my life in the last year. All of them were indirect enough to seem like unrelated incidents. I had given a seer a small chest of jewels to look into my aura and tell who and what was affecting me. Her reaction and warning were as elusive as those of Master Suhey, Keeper of the Pit. I remembered her words quite well, even if Suhey's eluded me. Power, fear and death. I had to try elsewhere.
Lady Clarissa Blackpool was a seer of great power and fame, and a retainer of the crown. She was also an ugly old creature. Her face was lined and pitted with the rigors of a long life, etched deep upon her flesh. Most people avoided her, sitting cackling to herself in a corner of one of the long meeting halls where the affairs of the Courts resounded; from the tight lipped whisper of a confidant, to the fall of the headsman axe. I had never seen anyone speak to her, but everyone knew of her affiliation to the new King. Her presence was to be tolerated by Lord and commoner alike. No one I asked seemed to know anything of her origin, or the extents of her gifts, but all feared that she was an ancient power who was touched by the 'Cancer of the Courts.' Fearful, and yet anticipative, I made my mind up to speak to her, and see if she would do this service for me. Nearly one set of skies had passed as I watched and learned her ways. She was shrewder then I had at first thought. While following her the first sky of the first day, she walked around a corner and disappeared. Extending my Logrus lens, I looked around and found nothing. I scoured the hall in every direction. I looked for traces of magic or even for after images of placard uses; again nothing. It was five skies later, purple sky, that I was able to find out where she had gone, and how. This had become an obsession with me, more of an obsession than anything before in my life, well, maybe not as much as my desire to take Logrus, but close.
My mother had hid me so no one could find me as a child. Giving me tutors and pets she raised me to fear the lords of the Courts, and to know that I was nothing to them, unless I was able to complete my destiny, my father had been a Lord. A Lord of Chaos could take anything that was within his ability to posses. One such lord had taken my mother and kept her for a number of years as a personal consort. It was not as if my mother would have chosen a different fate, she was a succubus after all! My earliest memories were of my mother showing me how to pleasure a being, so as to avoid being struck by limb or mind. I learned my lessons well. So well that my mother took me to the courts and introduced me to some lords and ladies of power. After that first night, I was sure that I would tempt the fates, and make my way upon the Logrus. I was treated as a thing, commanded to perform by beings I could have crushed save for one thing, they had Power. I never wanted to be told what to do again, I wanted power. The power! The Logrus! That had been only a few years ago. Now I was a courtesan within the very walls of the Black Palace itself. I had the power I sought out, now I needed to know the answers to questions that plagued me day and night.
Resourceful, and knowledgeable. That is why she was feared and respected. No way could be found from her departure point because there was none. Magic was not present because she did not use it to perform her great escape. Hidden within the very wall, was a door of stone which looked so much like the stone around it, not even under the scrutiny of my Logrus sight could I discern its borders. Only by happening upon it while she was closing it on the noise of the Courts, was I able to find it. And a full three skies later, I was able to open it and descend the great stairs into the bowls of the Black Palace. I never walked those stairs again.
Down the dark and dirty passage, I lost track of how many stairs my feet touched on my way below. At the foot of the stairs, a fire blazed with all kinds of strange items littering the nearby tables. Nothing was recognizable to me. As I stared into the fire I felt my nightmare returning. A man of power was looking at me. His eyes were a simple brown, and heavy with moisture. A man, a Lord crying? Why did he trouble me do much? He never commanded me to his side, though I did find him intriguing. His image passed, leaving me unprepared for the Lady Blackpool's presence beside me.
"What do you want little girl?" Her words broke my concentration and startled me back to the real world. Age bent and deformed she shuffled away to a great oversized chair and sat facing me. Staring at me through that tangled mass of gray/black hair that hung about her head, she measured me like a child.
"I am not a child, Old woman." As the words slid off my tongue, I regretted their utterance. I was a fool at least, I forgot who it was I was talking to. Luckily she sat still, then smiled at me. Not like the smile she cast about in the upper halls, but an almost sincere look. Now I was nervous.
"No. You are not a child. And you are right, I am an old woman. But that is no reason to speak to me in that tone." Her eyes flared fiercely, and I winced uncontrollably. "You have been watching me for awhile, haven't you? You found your way down here to my quarters." A gnarled hand waved absently about the room around us. I could not tear my eyes from her. Indescribable power flowed through her, like I had never felt before. "Only one other has tried and succeeded in finding their way down here. I have not destroyed that one yet." Silence. I could feel what little strength that I had left seeping out of me. I had come to her place unprepared, and now I was going to die here.
Out of nowhere a slender blade flashed and drew my attention away from the woman before me. It was him, the man who haunted my dreams, and the man who drove me here into the bowels of the Palace. He stood there poised as if in battle. Blade raised to the fore and long dagger in the opposite hand. My eyes followed the traces of his form. Surprisingly, I felt my strength returning, as if just looking at him could give me strength and hope. Flickering, his shape became that of mists and dissipated in a non-existent wind. I was still standing. Softly the old crone spoke, "You are the one? That is why you have sought me out these long days. Your days and nights have been filled by the man you just saw, and you want me to tell you why?" She knew. After all the long hours that I had tried to think of how to explain what I have been seeing and feeling, and she already knew. But how did she see him, and how did I. He comes in my dreams like a thief in the night, riding a great dun colored horse with a hunts beast of Chaos at his side. How did I see him now, while I was awake? "You are a special one then aren't you. Come closer and let me see you better." For no other reason than I was afraid to refuse, I stepped closer to the old woman.
"Ravishing beauty, with a will to stand far apart from the grip of others. She will find that there is one who can command her at any time. For his commands are not those of dominion, but of a force far stronger. You are a handsome woman. Daughter of Agilla the whore, I would imagine. Your mother was always strong willed as well. Many of her traits are evident in you, ah. An initiate as well. Have you control over your powers girl? Or do you let them wash over you like the waves of an immense ocean. Uncontrollable and overpowering?"
"No." My voice sounded foreign to me. Almost as if it came from the shadows of the room, rather than my throat. There were so many things that I wanted to ask her, and she seemed willing to talk. "Who is he?" Why had I asked that ? It was not the most important question on my mind. I wanted to know how she knew who I was, how she could do the things she did, and . . . Who he was? How could this man be so ingrained upon my mind? Men were only the male version of myself. I knew the ways to touch them, and make them feel pleasure, as well as any other. But why was this one man so. So important. Could that be it? Could he be important some how? If he was, I had to find out why, and this old woman was the only one who could help me.
"Ah. Difficult questions for once. Do you know who I was when I was younger? Of course you don't. Well I'll tell you. I was a queen. A woman of respect and power. I know, I don't look like much now, but then, ah. Then, I could quicken the pulse of a hedonist and temp a pious man. No, you would not know about that yet, but you will. You have a lot of things that a Lord would find appealing. Have you thought about what a union between you and a Lord could get you? No, I did not think so." She sank back into her chair while motioning me to the one beside it. I had not remembered it being there before, I must have not seen it among the clutter of my mind. "Difficult questions are what I am here to answer. Not the petty questions which children ask, but the ones that have a place in the cosmos.
"I will not tell you who this man is, for I do not know myself. But I will make it so you can find him, and will know who he is no matter what shape or guise he holds. What I am offering you is not easy. It will drain from you much of your strength and may not give you the satisfaction that you seek. Magic is at times, an inexact thing. Rest. I'll come to you when the time is right. Then you must do what is needed of you, whether you want to or not. You have nothing to fear from me Malissa, child of Agilla, you only have your handsome stranger to worry about. Now sleep." Mists drifted before me, and I dreamt.
'Lounging in his arms I felt safe, safer than one should . His kisses fell lightly on my face, warm and dry. Tickling my face, his beard made me open my eyes and stare into his. I knew his name. It was written on my mind, like nothing ever before. I shivered, his mind was strong and close. He could do the things that I feared would be done to me. He could force his will on me and make his wishes my desires. I tried to pull away, and was released willingly. He could control my every action and thought, yet he sat as if a child scolded for misbehaving. Moving closer, I reached to touch his face. It was worn, not perfect in form as I had expected. With more interest I studied him, his face, his hands, and his clothes. There was nothing that was familiar about him from anywhere within the Courts. No form that could be recognizable, other than that of a man. Could he be a simple man, and if so, how could he be of importance? No resistance did he offer to me as I poked and prodded him, as if he knew me and did not mind. Terror. Did he? Did he know me? Is that why I have seen him, could he be dreaming of me, and his dreams carried his thoughts to mine? If that is true, then he had to be very close, but where?
'I felt another presence, I paused. Who is it? Sasha How came a shadow hunter of the Courts, into the service of a man? He is no mere man Then what kind of being is he? He is the Lord of my every waking moment, and he is the one who has remade me You say that with no malice, as is the way of your kind. Who is he? My pack leader. The one who sacrificed all to make me more than I was You do not fear me. How is it that you trust me so? I can sense you have no ill will toward him Do you know me? No. But I know that I will You will not remember this after we are done? No How do you know? I know that we will meet, and that you will fear me. That is enough. Whether I remember you or not, you will fear me Tell me why he keeps coming to me in my dreams and why I will meet him? I don't know why, but when you do, you will know why he is in you dreams. Only after you meet him will you know for sure. His sleep is troubled . . .
I sat bolt upright. Breathing hard and sweating like after hours of sex. Was it just another dream, or was I in contact with his companion? My door swung open silently, against all odds, and a small wizened form hobbled through the protective spells and wards laid there as if they were so much hazy smoke. "Time to do what is necessary, Malissa. Are you ready? Good."
We did not go anywhere special, as I thought we might for this type of thing. Clarissa told me what I had to do. When she started her spell, I would be in contact with the man from my dreams, and that I had to act as if I knew him. At least enough to give him a talisman. Once he had the artifact, I would be able to know where he was and keep him from my dreams. 'Oh yes. Keep him from your dreams.' Clarissa told me, and almost too softly to hear she added, 'If you wish.' The spell began. Incense made the air heavy, and it was difficult to keep my own eyes open. Even with the warnings she had given me, it was almost too strong for me. Then I felt it. I could feel him. Then as if a portal was opened before me, I could see him.
"Tyler." Yes. That was his name. Why could I not think of it or say it before? With every word I spoke, I could see his trust. It had to be an illusion, a deceit. Remembering my task, I offered the ring to him. Unflinchingly he reached for it. Guilt. As his hand touched mine, I could feel his trust of me. Why would a stranger trust me, and how could I mark him in this way. I reached out my hand and stroked his face gently. A hollow feeling began to ache within my chest and abdomen. Turning away I felt a tear fall down my cheek. Why?
"Ah. You were not supposed to touch him you know. I told you didn't I? Oh dear, look what you have done. You have sprung a leak." With surprising care, the old crone raised a twisted hand to my face and touched the tear. It clung to her finger tip as if with a life of it's own. Bringing it closer, she examined it. "Tear of a succubus. A very powerful thing. I will keep it as payment for the service that I have rendered you. You will not be bothered by dreams of him ever again, if that is your wish. All you have to do, is tell him to go away, and he will. Do you understand? Good. Now I have other things to deal with girl. I expect you to not say a word about this to anyone. No you wouldn't anyway. Then I leave you now. Remember, to wish something, is to ask to have something happen. Sometimes it may not work out the way you expect."
She was gone. No one saw her again within the walls of the Palace, not in the two years that followed. I searched for the secret door to the stairs and her home, but found nothing. She was right, I did not dream of him again, except when I wished, and those times were not as intense as before. I almost regretted my decision. Now I have other things to worry about. Suitors. Yuck. Some people just don't know when 'No.' means 'NO!'