So, after I discovered that a couple of people described my work as subpar, and apparently the reason why they no longer search the Kurtbastian tag on AO3, I decided to take that to task using one of my favorite writers as my mouthpiece - Kurt from Deliver Me. Call me petty, but my work is my outlet. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it, but you also don't have to be rude about it. This comes somewhere in the middle of Special Delivery, but that doesn't really matter so much. Not knowing where this falls in the timeline really doesn't make this confusing or anything. Also, I have enabled comment moderation - not for me, but for you. If you feel the need to be critical of or mean about my work, you should have the balls to sign your name to it before it gets uploaded. So I'm just helping you along. But, you know, it's always better to build someone up than to tear them down. Remember that any time you're moved to comment on someone's writing. Your karma will thank you 3
"Whatcha got there?" Sebastian set two mugs of freshly brewed coffee on the coffee table and flopped down beside Kurt on the sofa. It was raining outside, and a good, torrential, New York rain storm went perfectly with a mug of steaming hot coffee … and sex. All day sex. Dirty couch sex (which Sebastian was hoping for), and slow, passionate, under-the-covers sex (which they could certainly get to later). But in the middle of making coffee, Sebastian had gotten struck by a case of domesticity, and ended up cleaning the kitchen while Kurt worked on his manuscript. When Sebastian returned to the living room (shaking his head out how much of a homebody he'd become), Kurt did have a manuscript on his lap, but it wasn't his. This one was thinner, the font was wrong, and there were red notations scrawled all over it.
Kurt always did edits on his own manuscript in blue pen, and with the aid of a yellow highlighter.
"It's a manuscript I started reviewing a long time ago and never got the chance to finish." Kurt hummed when he sniffed in and caught a whiff of mocha sitting in front of him, but he was too caught up in reading that he didn't put down his pen to reach for it.
"I thought you were going to put your job on pause for a while and focus on your own book?" Sebastian slid an arm around Kurt's shoulders and sat back against the cushions, dragging Kurt with him, trying his best to pull Kurt away from other people's work that shouldn't matter to him as much anymore.
"I know," Kurt said, resting his head on Sebastian's chest, but bringing the manuscript with him. "And I am, I promise, but … I don't know. I feel like I owe it to some of these people." Kurt tilted his head to look up at his boyfriend. "You know how I feel about that."
"Yeah, gorgeous. I know how you feel." Sebastian kissed Kurt's forehead. If Sebastian were in Kurt's shoes, he'd say, "Fuck everybody else! This is my time!" but he had no reason to argue with Kurt over this. They were both dealing with their pasts in their own ways. And even though Sebastian wished that Kurt's ghosts would go away once and for all and leave him in peace, he had no right to criticize. "So, tell me, is it any good? Is this one the "hidden treasure" you search for? The "diamond in the rough"?"
Kurt's eyes returned to the manuscript. He laughed sheepishly. "Nope. Not even close."
"What's wrong with it?"
"It's …" Kurt picked through the pages, trying to find words to describe it "… I don't know. It's passable. Subpar, I guess, is the word I'm looking for? I try not to be too harsh with my criticism, but it's just … it's lazy writing."
"How do you mean?"
"Well, it's really trope heavy. A lot of smaller publishing houses are fine with that – you know, strictly for ebook publication. But for ink and paper, it's not worth the money. There's a ton of exposition in the first paragraph." Kurt one-handedly flipped a few pages, searching for examples to back him up. "They didn't take the time to build a world. They just took the entire setting, condensed it into four lines, and then slapped it at the beginning of the story. I could forgive that maybe. It's an anthology of short stories, so each installment is going to be compressed to a degree. But then we have repeating dialogue – three whole instances of Look, I'm not an idiot in three out of six stories, and by a character so similar, they're interchangeable. We get it already! You're not an idiot! Say something else!"
Sebastian chuckled at the way his boyfriend became passionate over things; anything, not just his work – cooking, art, musicals, America's Next Top Model ...
… Sebastian …
"And it rushes," Kurt continued, flipping more pages. Sebastian felt guilty for not paying attention to the parts of the manuscript that Kurt so fastidiously hunted down to show him, but Sebastian was too focused on Kurt's head on his chest to concentrate on much else, the warmth of Kurt's cheek seeping through the cotton of his t-shirt, the way Kurt shifted up, then snuggled into the softer rises of Sebastian's relaxed pecs. "Like … in this one - we've got some decent build-up, we get to the meat of the story here, I finally become the teeniest bit interested, and then boom. Just a straight rush downhill. They wanted to get to the H.E.A. …"
"The H-E-what now?"
"The happily ever after."
"Ah. Continue."
"They wanted to get to it so quickly that any chance they had to give the characters depth or purpose or true conflict goes straight out the window. So by the time person A tells person B I love you, not only does it not sound authentic, I'm not even invested. I couldn't seriously care less if these two get together. It's like they're assuming the audience knows something that they haven't bothered to show us. I'm all for not leading readers by the hand, but clues would be nice, maybe a little exposition. A satisfying ending doesn't matter worth snot if everything else is blasé." Kurt closed the manuscript and sighed heavily, sinking not only deeper into the sofa, but inside himself.
"Okay, those are fair points ..." Sebastian had been rubbing a hand up and down Kurt's back, and felt tension knotting Kurt's spine, winding tighter as Kurt spoke. It radiated off his body. "But why do you seem so upset over it? It's almost like you're taking it personally. This isn't your manuscript."
Kurt laid a hand over the work as if to protect it. "The person who sent this in probably didn't realize it had these flaws. They didn't have an editor, didn't get it proofread. This could be the best work they could turn out, and they were proud of it. Proud enough to send it in. Except, it's not up to the caliber of being published."
"So …?"
"So, that's my opinion. It's an educated opinion, one that comes from years of experience. And I get paid for that opinion. But it's not everyone's opinion. There's no industry standard - not really. What I do is very subjective. I've seen books that I would have personally never approved get published, and become famous. What if all of those things I feel about this work are what people are going to think when they read my book? I mean, it's my first work officially. I want everyone to love it, but I know that's not realistic. You know what they say about those who can't do, teach? My job so far has been to critique other people's work, but I don't take criticism all that well. That's probably why I've been hiding behind other people's names for so long."
Sebastian wrapped an arm around Kurt's body and gave him a comforting squeeze. "That definitely is a lot to think about."
"Yeah," Kurt agreed. "And, unfortunately, I've been thinking about it a lot."
"Well, if it's any consolation, I happen to think that your work is incredible. And yeah, there are people who aren't going to like it, but you can't worry about them. You can't please everybody. You became a writer for you and no one else. Recognition is nice, and you deserve all the recognition in the world. But in the end, you have to be proud of what you've put down on paper. What you attach your name to. That's all that matters."
Kurt nodded. He knew Sebastian would say something along those lines. And Kurt agreed that it was true. But he'd hoped that it would feel a little more reassuring. Give it time, he said to himself. Kurt had spent so much of his life being judged by others. At one point, his safety relied on their opinions of him. Now he had to start doing for himself, pleasing himself.
And, possibly, one other person.
"And what about you?" Kurt asked.
Sebastian smirked. He held Kurt hard against him, breathing in when Kurt breathed, getting as close to Kurt as he could. "You please me just fine, gorgeous."
"I mean, my writing!" Kurt chuckled. "What do you think about my writing?"
"It moves me, Kurt," Sebastian admitted. "The same way you move me. Your words weave a certain magic. I've never read anything like it." Sebastian remembered the first time he'd read Kurt's manuscript – the fear it invoked, the pain. It tightened around Sebastian's heart, tormented him in his sleep, forced him out of a warm bed in the middle of the night and brought him to Kurt's front door. Nothing in the world has ever touched him the same way. "Now, I may be a little biased, but you are, by far, my favorite author."
Kurt smiled at him, eyes bright. "Really?"
"Absolutely. James Patterson, Michael Crichton, Danielle Steel – not a single one of them has a thing on you."
"What about J. K. Rowling?"
"Well …" Sebastian hemmed and hawed, but only for Kurt's benefit "… she comes close, but no. No cigar. But that's just my humble opinion."
"And don't forget, it might be biased."
"A little bit. But that doesn't mean I'm pulling your leg. Your work is amazing, Kurt. Really. And the world deserves to see it." Sebastian put his hand over Kurt's where it rested on the manuscript. "You said you feel like you owe it to the writer of this manuscript to read it, but you really don't. The only person you owe anything to is yourself."
"And what do I owe myself?"
"Time," Sebastian said, the word catching in his throat, swelling with gravity. "Patience. Forgiveness."
Kurt turned his head into Sebastian's chest and laid a kiss on the spot above Sebastian's heart – Kurt's favorite place by far on Sebastian's body. It's where Kurt felt the most connected to Sebastian. He felt Sebastian's heart beating, and knew that a part of it beat for him. "Thank you."
"For what, gorgeous?"
"For making me feel better."
"I'm just telling you the truth."
"Well, thank you for telling me the truth."
"You're very welcome."
They sat there together in silence, listening to the rain beat against the window. The sound became stronger as the sky grew greyer. Lightning flashed above the building across the way, and thunder shook the sky. A smile blossomed on Sebastian's face. In the midst of all this heavy talk, Sebastian had nearly forgotten his plans for the day. Now would be a good time to implement them. "But, you know, I think I know something else that might make you feel better." Sebastian tugged on Kurt's shirt, dislodging it from his jeans, and slid his hand underneath. The first touch of Kurt's skin was always Sebastian's favorite - especially since Sebastian was the only person who got the honor - though every touch after tied for a close second.
"Really?" Kurt sat up a hair, untucking the front of his shirt to help Sebastian along. "And what's that?"
"Well, that depends."
"On what?"
"Are you ready to ditch this manuscript and get a little naked?" Sebastian gave the papers lying on his abs a flick.
"A little naked?" Kurt asked, his eyebrow arching up.
"Okay, maybe a lot naked," Sebastian said, his hand creeping down to grab Kurt's ass.
Kurt jumped at that and laughed. He still had a bunch of work on his own manuscript to finish - work that he'd been avoiding - but he had to concede to Sebastian's superior plan. A day like today wasn't made for sulking … or working. It was made for making love, as many times as humanly possible.
"Why not?" Kurt smiled, his eyes going over Sebastian's reclined body once like he was already pulling off Sebastian's t-shirt, already unbuttoning his fly. He stood, even though that meant dislodging the hand from his right cheek, but Kurt reasoned that it would feel much nicer without denim between them. "I'll just leave this …" He went to drop the manuscript on the coffee table, but Sebastian intercepted it.
"No, no, no. Allow me." Sebastian stood, too, following his boyfriend's lead. Kurt performed a flirty spin and sashayed away towards the bedroom. So, slow, passionate, under-the-covers sex it was.
Sebastian could roll with that.
He waited until Kurt slipped through the door to their bedroom. Then he diverted to the kitchen and tossed the manuscript in the recycle bin. "There you go," he said, covering it with toilet paper rolls and shredded mail to hide it. "Right where you belong."