When I started I didn't think it would go on as long as it did, I didn't expect it to become such a big part of my life, to swallow me alive. My teeth are damaged from ripping apart pencil sharpeners and stomach acid, scars litter my body the way stars litter the sky. Nobody has noticed the angry red lines I draw on myself whenever I feel inadequate, they don't know how much I hate myself, how I truthfully think everyone would be better off without me, I destroy everything I touch. Ezra went to school in order to be a teacher, I wrecked that just by loving him. My friends all had there own shit to deal with, I dragged them down. I broke up my parents not once, but twice. I didn't tell my mom which made matters worse and then I dated my teacher, they could've worked out if it wasn't for my lies and secrets. I led Jason on, I blackmailed Jackie, and for what? So A wouldn't hurt the people I care about? They did anyways. I didn't even get the chance to tell my mom about Meredith, A did it for me.
Slice.
Slice.
Slice.
There's so much blood, but it doesn't feel like enough, I can't see my arm anymore. It is a pool of blood, I normally stop before it gets this bad, before I make cuts that are deep and won't stop gushing out blood, but I don't care anymore. I'm not trying to kill myself, although if I died I wouldn't care. The pain would be over, I'd never hurt anyone again
Slice.
Slice.
Slice.
When I started I planned on making three cuts; one for hurting my parents, one for the girls, and one for Ezra. There's nine now, three for each? Normally they don't bleed this much, I normally don't dig in until it's not skin I'm cutting, but fat. If I live long enough to have kids I'm going to have to think of excuses for my scars every time my child asks about them, it's not like I can tell them the truth, that mommy hated herself so much that she cut her own skin. I don't think I'll make it that far.
Slice.
Slice.
Slice.
I switch to my other arm now, the other one deserves a break. It now has nine deep gashes on it, I was scared to keep going and making them even deeper. I used to cut my thighs, but I ran out of room, arms cut easier anyways, it's easier to get to the poison that keeps me from the world. Spencer saw, she tried to talk to me and I just laughed at her and said "well at least I'm not in Radley". I cannot believe I would say that to her. She told Hannah and Emily, when they asked me about it I pulled up my sleeve and asked if they were satisfied, I made it sound like it was their fault when it wasn't. They went to Ezra, his heartbreak was visible in his eyes, I cause destruction everywhere I turn, even what I deserve hurts them. When I ran away from him he called my parents, they cried and asked why and I stood up and told them I was going to Spencer's, but I didn't, well not technically, I went to her lake house. How easy it would be to just got out into the water, deep enough that I can't touch and just let the world go black, I don't know how to swim, it would be so easy. I know my family, the girls, and especially Ezra would be heartbroken, but in time they would get over it, realize their lives are better without me.
Slice.
Slice.
Slice.
I'm cutting myself as a way to try and stay alive but they want to take it away, what do I have left? It's the only thing that works, I'm painting a picture of my life, my body is the canvas, my razor is my paintbrush, and my blood is the paint. I always was the artsy one.
Slice.
Slice.
Slice.
I've made my decision, and after sending a quick text simply saying "I'm so sorry I love you, but I gotta go." I put down the blade and I cry for awhile, after what seems like hours, but I know was less than thirty minutes, I look at my still bleeding cuts, stand up, and walk to the lake. I'm almost there, almost too the point of no return when I hear her calling for me.
Spencer.