Shakily, Robyn raised her hand, she knew she shouldn't have eaten anything at lunch; she didn't deserve to eat anything; she wasn't good enough. She'd only done it to see if she could still control the voices in her head. No good making excuses, now she was going to have to pay.
"Yes Robyn?" said Mr Hanssen, turning away from the board.
She gulped down the lump in her throat "C-could I go to the bathroom please?" she stammered.
"Yes of course" he replied vacantly, before turning back to the board to continue the lesson.
She stood up and hastily walked to the door, a shake in her step. Did she close the door too loudly? Was anyone following her? She turned back and saw that the door remained shut, before rushing down the corridor in the direction of the bathroom.
David looked across at the closed door and then back to Robyn's empty seat. She didn't seem right, normally she was bubbly and cheerful and she would never leave an English lesson. He wished he didn't care so much about the beautiful girl at the front of the room. Slipping his hand into his blazer pocket, he grabbed a handful of crumpled paper, tipping it onto the desk and searching through it with desperation, tears welling in his eyes.
Alex turned around from the seat in front. "Ooh look at the faggot, crying like the shitty weirdo he is"
"Oh be quiet" he whispered, not quite as tongue-tied as usual. He found confidence in the adrenaline firing through his veins. "Go to hell" he muttered kicking the back of his chair as he stood up, having found his anxiety card.
"OOO-OOOH" Alex whooped in retaliation to the kick, "Look at gay-boy go!"
Mr Hanssen turned around and silenced him with a steely glare, before nodding towards David's clenched fists and then at the door, allowing him to leave.
She shoved the bathroom door open and scooted down the row of stalls, hitting each door open to check she was alone. She came to the end corridor and caught a glance of her slim frame in the mirror. She turned fully and stopped for a moment, there she was, perfectly reflected in the mirror. Coming closer, she saw her fiery red curls framing her freckled face, her cheekbones extenuated from the abuse inflicted by the voices.
For a second, she seemed almost good enough before she realised what she was thinking. How could she be so self-absorbed? She didn't deserve any of this.
She stepped back three paces and lunged into the cubicle, slamming the door against the frame fuelled by her own anger. Hands shaking, she rattled the lock shut and turned towards the toilet, sweeping her hair over her shoulder. Lifting her hand, she caught sight of her bruised knuckles and stopped. She couldn't do it, not again, she wouldn't let them win. Exhaustion washed over her body and she turned and slumped onto the toilet lid, cradling her bruised knuckles, her freezing body racking with sobs.
David couldn't get Robyn's strange behaviour out of his head. Thinking about it, it had been odd for a while now, she'd become more withdrawn and had started using a lot more make up. Probably to hide the circles that had started appearing under her eyes on a daily basis. It was strange.
He paced along the corridor, surprised at himself for using his anxiety card to bunk out of a lesson, rather than using it genuinely.
Reaching the door to the girl's bathroom, he stopped. Was he seriously going to do this? He thought back to how shaken up Robyn had been in English, the circles under her eyes, her change in appearance over the last three months, the homophobic comments he was littered with day in and day out, and then he saw it. Somewhere from his subconscious flashed an image of her earlier in the week. He'd sat down next to her in History and he saw it now, behind that plastered on smile, the sadness in her eyes, the real one had been gone a while now.
With that same image still burning behind his eyes, he opened the door to the girl's bathroom and stepped inside.
Her weakened chest heaved with sobs and the burning tears streamed down her face, lacing across her temples and falling to her shoulders. The world was caving in, this was it. Her elbow banged against the wall with her violent shaking and she swore loudly, she couldn't do this anymore, she felt weak, but angry. All the rage and fear and sadness from the past few months all culminated in her mind and now it flowed out of her.
Stopping for a second, she heard the door swing open, crashing against the wall and instantly the anger melted to sheer terror. Had whoever it was heard her? She whimpered at the thought of her secret being revealed, the voices becoming exposed.
On opening the door, David knew something was wrong. Other than the fact that he was living up to some of Alex's rumours and standing in the girl's bathroom.
It felt strange. He could have sworn a few seconds ago he'd heard swearing, it must have been nothing. All the cubicle doors were open; there was no one in there. Robyn must have used a different bathroom; she was probably back in English by now, God why was he so stupid? Of course she was wearing make-up; she was a girl for god's sake. Why did he always have to make up stupid ideas in his head? She was fine; he had to get back to English now.
Turning to leave, a small object caught his eye. He span back around and saw; it was a tube of lip gloss lying in between the cubicles. He could have sworn that wasn't there before. Creeping across the bathroom, he bent down to pick it up and heard a sob escape from the end cubicle. He knew that voice, he'd know it anywhere; it was the voice he'd yearned for since he'd joined in year 9, since he last left the psych ward. Why couldn't he let go of that? He had to prove he was better than that.
He tried to summon an inkling of the confidence he had felt back in class as his voice broke through the new silence "Robyn".
One word. And again. "R-robyn, what's wrong?"
No reply.
A tear crept down David's cheek and he sat outside the door holding the lip gloss that he now saw to be hers, judging by the yellow glitter stars stuck all over the stick, so much so that only the "m" of Maybelline still showed.
He stroked the glitter on the stars, every piece felt like a piece of her, the colourful happy girl who'd shown him around on his first day. They'd been inseparable since. Pieces of her. A piece of strawberry conditioner, rainbow pens, bubbly laughter, creases in the corners of her eyes and freckles on her nose. Chatter and smoky marshmallows and fireworks, every piece of her was sensual. He loved her.
He'd realised earlier, he saw that now, he'd realised her begin to change a couple of months back but he'd chosen to ignore it. He had to make up for his stupidity now, everything was clearer now.
Her crying had subsided and she sat, her knees clasped to her chest, breathing slower. Mr Hanssen must have realised by now that she was taking a while. She took a deep breath and stretching an arm out she unlocked the door and creaked it open ever so slightly.
"David?"
He stood sharply as soon as he heard the cubicle unlock, saw the tears staining her once beaming face. She looked so lost, curled in on herself, wonderful hair tangled across her shoulders. First he noticed her hands, the bruises branding two of her knuckles, a doodle of a smiley face drawn on her third knuckle. He'd drawn that in second period History. It had made her smile. Real smile, not fake; a glimmer of hope through the clouds.
This last thought made him look at her face, into her stark sapphire eyes and there he saw it, all of the hurt and fear.
"What's been going on?" he asked softly, locking the door and sitting down in front of her. He took her hands and gently brushed his fingers across the two bruises and then to the smiley face, circling, giving her time.
"I-I think I have a problem" For once, she was tongue-tied.
His eyes urged her to go on and it all spilled out in a torrent she couldn't control, just like the old Robyn.
"There are these voices, in my head, they tell me I'm not good enough and they tell me to not eat and they tell me to throw up"
She burst into fresh tears, washing the old tear tracks away and David looked into her eyes, squeezing her hands before standing and enveloping her in a hug.
"Not good enough for what?" he asked "you're perfect"
"B-but I annoy you, I'm not good enough for you and you don't want me" she whimpered
"No you don't, you're my best friend, you're the most important person in my life, and you never have to change for me. I – I love you Robyn"
Immediately, he cast his eyes away, he'd ruined everything she couldn't possibly love him back, everyone liked her, he was a nobody.
"I love you too, David" she replied, tilting her head, her crystal blue eyes searching for the friendly warmth of his grey ones.
"Then let me help you" he replied, "I don't want to see you suffer like this, you of all people don't deserve it."
He returned his hand to hers and circled the smiley face again, repeatedly. She looked down and suddenly it all seemed trivial, all she wanted was to be with David, and if that meant getting help, she was willing to do it.
"Will you draw more faces on my knuckles when they aren't bruised?" she asked in reply to him, a smile creeping its way to edges of her mouth
"Of course I will" he answered, a warm glow spreading throughout him. "Every day."