One thing about being a Hyuuga, it gives you some serious ego issues, although we aren't anywhere near as bad as Uchiha's. I watch the youngest of the rival clan, as he sits and taps his foot against the floor, while he stares out of the diner window. Anyone looking would most definitely not assume that we were a couple, or that this was a date of any shape or form, and they would be right. This is not a date, nothing is ever a date with Sasuke Uchiha. With Sasuke, you show up to a 'meet up' and get ignored while he wastes away his time, staring out of windows, scrolling through his phone or somehow otherwise occupying his time with anything that isn't; you.
I know I've lasted the longest, and this at least soothes my wounded ego. I watched Sasuke over the years we went to school together, getting asked out, refusing, getting asked out agreeing, agreeing - though firmly on the condition that he would never care for them in anyway. Every single one of those fools expected him to change, expected him to just be being difficult, as is his nature. But they didn't realise, Sasuke really meant it. He was physically and mentally incapable of love.
Of course, this didn't stop me when we became college students. I figured, Sasuke is older now, he's bound to know more about what his body wants, if nothing else. And yes, Sasuke is great in the sack - if you like being fucked by someone about as emotionally attached to you as an, albeit very attractive, mannequin. Sasuke doesn't care if you love him, doesn't care if he hurts you, and he doesn't care if you don't want to do something. If I'm honest, I don't think he even cares about doing anything himself. I sigh, and he evidently isn't listening because he doesn't even blink. I stare at him, and I have to admit that it hurts, realising I was just as foolish as every other idiot to ever try and bag the elusive Sasuke Uchiha. But I'm not entirely like them, because I can accept that we have never really been a couple. Sasuke was never mine to begin with, and despite it being the single last thing I want to do on this whole planet, I know I need to actually spell it out for him if he ever stands a chance of being... something more than this.
'Sasuke?' I call cautiously. He sighs, and I know he's thinking about how he's already gotten rid of his suitors by this point in his previous, "relationships." I've always been determined that instead of growing annoyed by his lack of interest, I was going to ignore it completely and see whether this got a better reaction than his previous encounters. Needless to say from this situation occurring, the tactic was about as effective as wet dynamite.
'What is it Neji?' Sasuke's careless and lifeless reply is hardly encouraging, and if I were going to push on in the hopes of his ever loving me, I wouldn't bother to go any further, knowing it would lead to my own downfall. I think that's what he's expecting, that I'm going to say that enough is enough and there's no point to our being "together" any more... but you cant lose what you never had, and this isn't about me anymore.
'Are you ever going to realise?' I ask, and as he finally looks at me. I know he can see I must look pretty upset, but I'm certainly not the emotional deadweight he usually has to deal with. That's something at least I guess, that I'm not quite as pathetic as everyone else who ever tried "dating" Sasuke.
'I don't have any feelings for you Neji, I told you that even before we started dating.' He sighs wearily and looks back out of the diner window again. I know that he's sick of this conversation. I know he's had it what must feel like a million times over, but I also know that this isn't the conversation he thinks it is, and I'm tempted to smile from the thought that an Uchiha can be so wrong, but it hurts too damn much to move my face that way.
'I know that.' I say dismissively, and I can see this perks his interest. This is new, I know by now he has pleading, begging and crying to deal with, but I'm not about to embarrass myself so horribly. He looks back at me, and I don't know what he sees, but it clearly surprises him. He knows that I know he will never love me, but I'm not trying to fight him or convince him he's wrong, so he's interested in seeing what I'm up to. I'm pretty curios about the way his onyx eyes are examining me like its the first time he's ever even seen me in his entire life, and of course of how he's going to react... but Sasuke is an enigma, and I'm not likely to figure him out anytime soon, and time is of the essence now.
'Then what do you mean?' He asks, and I cant tell which one of us is more surprised to actually hear a note of interest in his voice. He looks very confused by this development, and if the situation were different, I would be finding it hilarious. I wonder what it is that makes him look so cute while he's confused.
'I mean,' I begin, wondering just how subtle I should be about this. Then I remember, Sasuke has had years to work this out for himself and refused to, so subtlety is probably not going to get us anywhere. I decide that the best way, is the blunt way. 'When are you going to realise... that you're in love with Itachi?' I'm actually pretty amused by the blank shock he's throwing my way, as if to burn me with the ridiculousness of my observation. This is definitely new to him. I know that the others all accused him of being with someone else before their "relationship" crumbled to dust, but they were all way off the mark - especially Ino. She thought he was having it away with Shikamaru of all people, though why I could never figure out - Shikamaru is probably the least likely person to ever be interested in Sasuke. I can tell that I've gotten under his skin, and its obvious that he's confused by my lack of a temper. His brow creases into a frown as I order an ice-cream sundae from the waitress. Sasuke waves her away and I'm not surprised. I realise that I've never once seen him eat actually.
'You do realise he's my brother? That we're related, by blood. That's kind of gross, Neji.' He's hilarious, he's actually trying to sound offended, and I'm amazed that I manage to hold my distraught laughter back to just a smirk. We both know he's anything but offended by what I've said, but he's just so desperate to keep it hidden from himself that he's trying to find anyway he can not to face the truth. I've watched Sasuke laugh at Naruto's rage, something most people would scream and run from. I've seen Sasuke get annoyed when Sakura used to whine incessantly, only to then laugh at her, something not even the bravest men I know would dare to do... To her face anyway.
'So?' I shrug at him, because really, Sasuke has always known he was different and I don't see why he of all people would find it so hard to overlook such a simple little thing as 'blood' when it comes to finally feeling something for someone... other than himself I mean. I can't help but be amused when he keeps looking at me with such cute confusion. I accept my desert from the waitress and delicately slice myself a spoonful of cream, taking longer than necessary just so he can think things over in peace for a while, though I hope he does at least remember that he's on a time limit here. I look away when I see a longing in his eyes. I can tell he's thinking about Itachi now.
'Look, Sasuke...' I sigh, playing with the top of my sundae unenthusiastically with my spoon as I look over at him. 'I know how you feel about Itachi. It's obvious if you know what to look for. Whenever he's around you get all flustered, or you try to show off. You stand taller or you sit straighter. You constantly try to make a good impression on him, try to make sure his eyes are always focused on you. I've seen you.'I know he was about to deny everything, and I'm actually kind of surprised when his mouth snaps shut and he accepts what I've just said. It takes a lot for an Uchiha to actually listen to, well, to anyone.
I wonder what's harder for him to admit, as I scoop myself a small mouthful of ice cream. That he's in love with his brother, or the fact that a Hyuuga was able to work something out that an Uchiha did not?
'You're wrong.' He says, a flat refusal, and I roll my eyes at his predictability. I shrug at him and stare at him, waiting for him to finish examining himself. It's almost as fascinating as it is heart-breaking, to watch him sit and fathom through every contact he's ever had with his brother, to re-analyse every conversation and gesture he's ever made.
'This is exactly why your relationships fail Sasuke. You were right when you told us that you would never love us, you really cant. Of course, we all just thought that you were being difficult. But then the longer we were with you, the more we realised you really didn't care if we were there or not. The others all guessed you were interested in someone else, but they would be too angry to really try and think about the who part.' I lick the cream from my spoon, and I try hard not to let him see my eyes, because as much as I'm hurting by doing this, he needs to finally realise. 'I decided to watch you, see who it was that might be capturing you attention. Whenever I was with you, I would watch how you interacted with other people, see if I could find who it was and maybe try to be more like them. That was my own naivety, my own downfall. I was leaving your house about a month ago, we'd just been watching that movie, Higanjima. As I was leaving, Itachi came round to see you. there was this look in your eyes... I have never, seen you look so pleased to see any one person before. That was when I knew. Both that you loved your brother, and that I could never make you love me.' My heart is breaking, and I'm just pleased that I'm not blubbing like some total girl as I finish speaking. He almost looks like he wants to comfort me, but it could just be that he's sitting uncomfortably.
'Why?' he asks, and I don't want to have to look at him. When the silence continues, and the hole he's glaring in my head becomes unbearable, I have no choice but to meet his eyes. They are both furious, and glorious in their ferocity. 'Why?' He demands again, and I know exactly what he's asking. I play with my ice-cream and try to put off answering, but I started this for a reason, and becoming reluctant now would be both ridiculous and useless. I feel empty when I finally find the words to answer him.
'Because I wanted to be wrong, Sasuke. I figured that you being able to love Itachi was proof enough that you could in fact love, and so I wanted to try and make you love me instead. I don't really know why I thought you might, I'm nothing like Itachi and even if I tried it would be a poor imitation. But I wanted to give myself some more time, I had to at least try.' I've put up with Sasuke's shit for longer than anyone. His attempts to cause arguments and fights and his trying to force me into giving up on him were hell, but I think he was kind of impressed by the fact that nothing he tried seemed to faze me in the least.
'But then why tell me now of all times?' He asks, and I know exactly what he's thinking again. Tomorrow. He's thinking that now he knows how he really feels about his brother, it's going to hurt a thousand times more when his brother gets married to save the Uchiha line from ending. A marriage of convenience, arranged by their father because he was cursed to have two gay sons and a trans-gender nephew. Shisui was only recently out of hospital, and caused Fugaku numerous threats of grinding his teeth to powder whenever he happened to walk by.
'Because you've been so focused on keeping your feelings to yourself that you never realised.' I say, and I can only hope he understands that I'm trying to make him listen for once - because really, I've never known a denser, dumber smart person than Sasuke Uchiha. 'Sasuke you've been so focused on hiding your heart, hiding how you really feel so you wouldn't get hurt that you never once really looked at your brother. You've never seen what's in his eyes when he looks at you.'
'What are you talking about? Spit it out already!' He looks surprised to hear himself shout, like a puppy that just barked for the first time and isn't sure if it's done something wrong or not. I can see he's frustrated, and I really cant understand how he hasn't figured out where I'm going with all this. Like I said, Sasuke is incredibly dense for a smart guy. I place my spoon on the table and lean forward, making sure that Sasuke is finally listening to me, and hoping he doesn't bolt like a frightened deer.
'Sasuke, Itachi loves you. He's always loved you.' My heart just stopped. There's this look on his face, like his whole world just stopped spinning, and then suddenly started up again in the opposite direction. I didn't think it was possibly to break a heart once it was already broken... Looks like both me and Sasuke are learning things tonight. 'He thinks there's no hope, that you're never going to be interested in him that way. Do you understand me, Sasuke? He thinks that you really hate him. If you don't go and talk to him, now, you're going to lose him forever.'
'I lost him the moment he-' He starts, but cant bring himself to finish. I watch him as he fumbles, standing up before he even realises that his body is moving. I try, but can't stop myself from watching him as he leaves. I knew from the day I realised he loved Itachi, that Sasuke and I were going to end, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I'm not sure if he expected me to make a scene, I know all the others did, but even though I can't keep him, I can keep my dignity at least. I turn away when he makes it to the door, turning to look out of the window that he himself was favouring earlier tonight. The tears I managed to contain all night begin to fall, and I don't even try to stop them this time. I know I should control myself better, but I'm tired, and in this moment at least, I want to just be able to grieve for my loss, which isn't even a real loss, without having to hide.
Perhaps its kind of sick that I wonder whether Sasuke will make it in time tonight, whether he and Itachi will confess to each other and consummate their mutual love for each other, or whether they will just go their separate ways and deny that they feel anything for each other for the rest of their lives. Uchiha's are hard to predict, so it really could go either way. Hell for all I know, they'll have a wild and promiscuous night of crazy rabbit sex, and then Itachi will still get married, although I wouldn't have thought he would be able to. Itachi is so fiercely loyal that he'd be unable to do that to anyone, least of all his beloved little brother.
I push my ice-cream away, completely repulsed by it. I feel sick, and I want nothing more than to scream and shout as I rage and cry about how unfair the whole world is for making me love someone who was in love with his own damned brother. I mean really, how was I ever supposed to be able to compete with Itachi Uchiha?! Ludicrous by all means.
'Are you alright?' I jump, brought out of my inner turmoil by a low dry voice, which could be assumed as trying to sound concerned. I look up to see a boy not far from my own age, with the reddest hair I've ever seen. He has a scar above his non-existent eye brows and faded green eyes which are heavily shrouded by thick black kohl, and which seem to be clouded with indecision. I quickly wipe my eyes, and hope that I haven't been making too much of a scene of myself whilst I wallowed in self pity.
'Yes, I'm sorry, I was just-' I hesitate, trying to think what I can say to not sound completely pathetic.
'Dumped?' The redhead supplies easily, and I can't help but laugh at the cautious look in his eyes, like I could be about to have a hysterical breakdown. I wonder if he would make a hasty exit if I did, surely he would at least regret his decision to check on me.
'I'm sorry,' I say when I finally manage to stop myself laughing. 'It's just that, the idea of being dumped kind of insinuates that at some point I had a relationship and I don't think what I had could really ever be classified as that...' I did not mean to say all that, but still, I refuse to be embarrassed. He looks like he wants nothing more than to get the hell away from me, and I'm surprised to find that I actually want this persons company. I guess I must be feeling particularly vulnerable after my 'break up.'
'I should-'
'Please, sit down.' I say hurriedly, hoping that I don't sound like the crazy desperate person everyone always dreads meeting at an after party. 'I'm sorry. I guess you could say I was dumped yes, but it wasn't tonight. To be honest, whatever we had, it was over a long time ago.' I explain as he sits, and I hope like hell that I haven't made a total ass of myself.
'I understand, I think.' He smiles, and I have to admit, suddenly Sasuke's leaving tonight doesn't seem quite so awful as it did before. 'So, it was a relationship where you were interested, he wasn't and you finally helped him reach some blindingly obvious revelation, and he left you here alone without any comfort or a backward glance, because basically he's a selfish asshole?' I snort, though I try to cover it up as a cough because Hyuuga's absolutely do not snort.
'That's a pretty appropriate summary of Sasuke yes.' I say, and I'm surprised to find the guy seems pretty pleased by the small fact he made me smile. 'Sasuke Uchiha is probably the most stupid smart person I've ever met. I've been thinking it a lot tonight, but its the first chance I got to actually voice that.' I'm strangely distracted by the way this guy watches me, he's staring rather intensely, and I think if I were a girl, I would probably be blushing under such scrutiny.
'My name is Gaara, Subaku.' He says suddenly, changing the conversation entirely away from my ex who was never really mine. Either this topic really bores him, or he's belatedly realized he doesn't actually know me.
'Neji, Hyuuga.' I reply, not sure if I should be amused, insulted or neither. I settle on amused, deciding I have had enough negativity for one evening. If this Gaara person wants to distract me, then who am I to complain?
'You have very pretty eyes Neji.' Now, I have to admit I'm pretty shocked. I mean, I'm flattered yes and admittedly there are some butterflies from actually receiving a genuine compliment but, even so I'm not sure I'm ready for flirting. 'I apologise if that made you feel uncomfortable, I have a habit of speaking too abruptly, I tend to put a lot of people off by saying the wrong thing. It's not that I don't understand your situation, its just that... you have very pretty eyes and I couldn't help but need to tell you that, seeing as I'm pretty sure this Sasuke guy wouldn't have ever told you.' Gaara's apology knocks me sideways and I'm not sure which is surprising me more, the apology or the fact that he felt the need to explain himself anyway, just from having realized I was uncomfortable. I'm not used to someone actually paying attention to me, and especially not this intensely. It's actually quite nice.
'I'm sorry... I didn't mean to hesitate.' I say slowly, not sure how to word what I want to say. 'I'm not used to compliments. I'm not even really used to conversation... Sasuke was, a special case. He's very, reserved, with others.' I'm careful of what I say, even just one word in the wrong ear could spell the end of Sasuke's one night with his brother. Strangely, I feel distracted enough that the broken pieces of my heart don't stab me at the mention of him, and I feel a swell of gratitude to Gaara for having come and sit with me. 'You're very up front about things, aren't you?' I ask, hoping he doesn't mind the odd question aimed his direction.
'I've lost count of how many people try to change me.' Gaara says, and I can't tell if it's in answer to my question at first. 'I don't see the point in hesitating, in delaying or in waiting for the perfect moment. There's precious little time in the world, and I don't see why I should waste it being "polite" when I could be getting to know someone.' I watch him while he speaks, watching me with his faded green eyes that seem like bottomless wells. I feel very exposed beneath the gaze of those eyes, and I'm not sure if I don't like that feeling a little too much...
'That seems like a very smart way to be...' I say, although I feel a little hot from the attention that Gaara is throwing my way. I watch as his eyes touch my hair, my eyes, my torso and rest on my lips, which I lick nervously. His eyes follow my tongue, and I'm surprised to find that incredibly erotic. 'So, where are you from?' I ask, trying to alleviate some of the heat building in my gut under the heavy, unwavering gaze of the redhead opposite me.
'Suna.' He says, staring at me like I am the ice-cream I was eating earlier. It's hard to think up another question to ask him, a safe topic that would lead to some sort of civilized conversation, even to the kind of conversation that could be construed as the beginnings of a friendship. Really, all I can think of right now is that Gaara is staring at me and he doesn't seem to have any intention of looking anywhere else in the room for the duration of our encounter. It's surreal, incredible, confusing and erotic all in one. I clear my throat and look out the window, though for the life of me I can't see anything of interest out there. I suppose Sasuke was just staring at something within his own mind. 'You blush a wonderful shade of red.' Gaara comments lightly, as he neatly scoops himself a spoonful of my unfinished ice cream.'Sorry, do you mind?' He asks suddenly, gesturing to he bowl after he's licked the spoon clean.
'Um, by all means... Sure, lic- I mean, uh, finish it if you like! Go right ahead...' I mentally congratulate myself, sounding like a complete moron, achieved, well done Neji Hyuuga. But in all fairness, Gaara's tongue is rather distracting, and its hard to talk while you're avidly watching someone lick a spoon clean of a sticky white substance, with such an insinuating, twirling motion of their tongue. Gaara raises one of his no longer there eyebrows, and dips the spoon for more of the chilled desert. I find my throat drying and I know I'm staring, but I've never known it possible for someone eating to look, well, edible themselves. I clear my throat again, and tear my eyes from Gaara and my, now his, so kind of our ice cream. I wish I could stop thinking, because all I see in my head is more licking, only its most definitely not of an ice cream or spoon, although some spooning should surely come later...
'That was worth it just for the colour you've turned.' Gaara's voice cuts through the heated images I'm imagining and brings my mind out of the gutter and back to the table. I raise a brow and wait for him to elaborate. 'Eating that wasn't exactly enjoyable to me, I don't really like sweet things. But, seeing as you turn such a wicked shade of red, I thought I'd endure. It worked out better than I thought, your throat looks beautiful in that colour...' If I was blushing before, I probably look like I'm made of mahogany by now, though that thought brings about some images of other types of 'wood' which I try hard not to groan at.
'I, uhm, well, I...' Hyuuga's do not splutter, so that is absolutely not what I just did. I clear my throat again, and frown at the table, trying hard to think just what I can possibly say that isn't going to reveal my minds trip to the gutter. I'm not sure how to feel. Not only is Gaara talking to me, looking at me, paying attention to me, he's actually eaten something he doesn't even like, just to make me blush more. This kind of attention is unknown to me, and although part of me is fascinated and empowered by it, part of me is also scared of it.
'Neji...' Gaara's voice soothes my nerves, and I raise my eyes to meet his own. I can see confliction in his gaze, indecision about something which, though unknown to me, makes my pulse begin to quicken.
'Hmm?' I manage a vague, non-committal noise, knowing words will tangle upon my tongue at the moment. He stares at me a long time, and it seems almost like he can see right through my skin, through to my soul, which he's searching for answers to the unasked questions in his eyes. I'm not sure how long passes while we sit and stare at each other, but it feels like forever. In fact it could well be because by the time Gaara seems to have found whatever answer he was seeking in my soul, the rest of the remaining ice cream has melted.
'Would you like me to walk you home?' He asks. His eyes never leave me, and I feel the heat of my already red skin heighten. Gaara is asking so much more than to be my chaperone home. He's asking me if I'm truly heart broken, if I'm ready, or even able to love, or at least if I'm still open to love. If I say no, Gaara will leave, and I'm almost certain I would never see him again unless I specifically sought him out. However, if I say yes... But can I? Sasuke is the only person whom I've been intimate with, and it wasn't exactly. intimate between the two of us. For Sasuke, it was a physical release, sexual gratification and nothing more. I admit, I never quite managed to think of it as making love, I would imagine that would involve a lot more kissing and well, emotional involvement I guess. Would Gaara make this offer, if he knew the extent of the damage that loving Sasuke has done to me? Something in his patient gaze has me wondering if he already knows, in which case he already has made the offer despite knowing my faults... Ultimately it comes down to just one thing; am I willing to accept this offering of a new start? The answer is surprising when I find it.
'I'd like that.' I say, smiling shyly. Gaara's lip curls upwards at one corner, and his eyes seem to radiate satisfaction. I may not be ready for it,but I am willing to find out. I risk being hurt again, but I feel safe with Gaara. Sasuke was unable to love, or at least anyone other than his own brother, romantically speaking. I am not like Sasuke, and I believe that Gaara can see into the deepest parts of me, that he knows I need this chance almost as much as he wants to give it. I'm attracted to him, and he is me, and that is the way that a relationship is supposed to begin. Will we work? I guess we will find out, but I'm pleased to discover that, for the first time in a long time; I have hope.
A/N:~ I hope you all enjoyed this little side-fic (and it didn't get too weird towards the end - I'm not sure whether its been too long a time I've been typing or what, but it seems like sometimes my writing makes NO SENSE to me what so ever after awhile)
Anyway; this is a fic that I started some time ago and then lost all inspiration for (because it seemed I had made a mess of it) I had WANTED to write some more of my Merlin (Of Myth And Magic) fic tonight, however I was checking some stats and then thought I wanted to update Said I Loved You, But I Lied and somehow on the way to that document I found this and decided it needed to be finished before I carried on with one of my many newbies!
This is a side fic to Why Can't I? (an Uchihacest fic, for anyone interested - or if your not consider it a warning) It's Neji's POV (OBVIOUSLY!) I just felt that Neji got a VERY raw deal in the original and I wanted to give him a little bit of hope after having his heart smushed... And so I decided to make him realize, that heartache, isn't always the end. To give him hope. I like to think that there's always hope, even when it doesn't seem like it.
I'm now rambling like a moron, so I'm just going to say thankyou all for reading! I love you all for taking the time to stop by and hope you enjoyed this addition! I hope to write more often now, but sometimes I do need a boot up the backside, so if you review lots, I'll have no choice but to write more! ;)
(oh and please take my poll!)