Love Letters
Aimee
Letter One
Waldorf,
I don't think I'm sober enough to write you this letter. Anyway, I have no intention to send it, so it doesn't matter.
Serena said you went to France. Even without a goodbye to old lover? You are totally a heartless bitch.
That was not all my fault, right? Actually, it's you who came to me first. It's you who kissed me first. It's you who said you sure.
So if you want to stay in France for a while to escape from all the messes you've caused, sure. Just stop blaming me any more. I'm not the one who ruined everything, not only me.
By the way, it's Chuck Bass.
Letter Two
Waldorf,
Serena said that you were not coming back. You can't be serious, right? No matter what happened between us that made you so shameful, you will come back. You have to come back. Manhattan is your kingdom and Constance is your palace, remember?
I know you are still mad at me. I'm still mad at you, too. I don't even know why I am writing this. It's not like I'm going to send it to you.
You know who I am.
Letter Three
Waldorf,
I can't believe you're such a coward who surrenders without fighting. You know those mean girls are nothing. (Even though sometimes you call them friends, you don't mean it.) As for my words, if you still remember what they are, (I'm sure you won't forget, but maybe you'd like to deny their existence as well as our short... well, whatever.) I think maybe I have kind of exaggerated.
So just come back. Serena misses you so much.
C
Letter Four
Blair,
You have been left for a while, 10 days 16 hours and 34 minutes exactly. School is different without you. Manhattan is different without you. It felt… lonely…No. No. It's just different.
I've called but you never bothered to pick up your phone. It's a good thing actually, because if you ever did, I'm not sure what I'm going to say.
Anyway, I'm sorry I ruined your cotillion, but not on purpose I swear, told gossip girl about us, and insulted you with that horse metaphor. You know I didn't mean it, not at all.
So stop acting so dramatically. Constance is waiting for its queen.
C
Letter Five
Blair,
After 7 bottles of scotch, or 8, I can't remember clearly, I begin to write a letter I know I'll never send, again.
You are still not coming back, and Nathenial is still not speaking to me. While Serena is becoming my step-sister. It's kind of weird, but it's fine. Weird things are always happening those days and I'm sure there is something wrong with the world since it's spinning right now.
Nate asked Serena about you, if it makes you feel better. I think he kind of regrets the break-up thing. Who knows?
So you see, your Price Charming is still here for you. Your fairytale life hasn't been ruined totally. Why don't you come back? You know you love Manhattan.
C
Letter Six
Blair,
You are not dating some French perv who locked you in his basement, are you?
Why don't you come back? Are you afraid of what people will say? It's nothing, Waldorf. But if so, I'll tell them you were drunk and I tricked you, or forced you, or whatever you'd like me to say. So you'll not be considered a slut. While I guess I'll be regarded as the monster who laid his BFF's pure and innocent girl on his bed, but I don't really care.
Nathenial will not be mad at you anymore if you're the victim of Chuck Bass, will he? Of course he'll hate me. But he already did, so it doesn't matter. Sounds great, right?
So come back, please.
C
Letter Seven
Blair,
You really are the most coldblood, have-no-feeling bitch. You know Serena misses you to death. You know Nate has already forgiven you and wants you back. You know I don't mean what I said. So what the hell are you still doing in God knows which cave in France?
You can throw whatever you think I deserve at me. You can yell at me, slap me, or worse, just pretend nothing happened and ignore me like I never existed in your life. You have my words. Whatever you want to do, you are already permitted as long as you come back. I just want to know that I'm in the same city as you do, breathing the same air as you do, walking on the same streets as you do.
That's enough, I felt like a total idiot. But I miss you.
C
Letter Eight
Blair,
Actually I have a bad news for you.
Since you hadn't showed any sign of coming back, I think Nathenial finally lost his patience and moved on to some Brooklyn girl. She is different from you, so different. Maybe your prince just wants to taste something new out of Manhattan.
So Waldorf, if you still want to save your relationship with dear Nate, you'd better come back, soon.
C
Letter Nine
Blair,
One month has passed and I finally realized that you are really not coming back. Maybe for a while, maybe for ever.
I know you don't want to see me again, or speak to me again, or even have anything to do with me again. But the thought that you'll hate me for the rest of your life made me make this decision to tell you something you should never know.
I love you. Despite the ex-fact that Chuck Bass did not do feelings, I do now. In the last month, whatever or whoever I used to get rid of the thought of you, it never worked. You're always there, in my head, in my mind. Sometimes walking in Constance with your head hold high. Sometimes ordering your minons around like the queen which you are. Sometimes smiling at me shyly, just like you did after our first wild night, which I never and would never ever forget. Sometimes saying how heinous and disgusting I am, while without the match of your mouth and your eyes.
I want to hate you for ditching me without a second thought and going back to Nathenial's arms. I want to hate you for using me as a fuck toy and throwing me away, ignoring whatever I did to impress you. I should hate you. I really should. But I can't. All I thought was how much I want to erase my dirty history, how much I want to be more like him and less like me to make you love me back a little. Your perfection always remind me how much I didn't deserve you which made me miserable with you, but more miserable without you.
I love you, and I'm not going to let you go so easily. I'm flying to France tomorrow, whether you like it or not. You know Bass man always get what they want, don't you?
See you soon.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Before signing his name, he heard someone knocking at the door. Considering it must be the room service he ordered, he opened the door. And here she was, smiling to his shocked face.
She stepped in, not bothering to wait for his invitation. He sighed and closed the door, thinking that she really hasn't changed much. A little prettier? Maybe. But still a bitch.
"So this is another letter you're not going to send me?" She picked the paper at the bar and began to read.
Holy shit! There is no way he would let her see that one and know what he just wrote.
"It's not." He said urgently, trying to grab the paper from her hand, "Stop it, Blair! Don't you know how un-lady like to read other's letter without permission?"
"I need not to be a lady around some non-gentleman like you!" She said, trying to read and escape his catch at the same time.
"Blair!" He shouted, finally grabbed her wrist and pulled the paper out from her hand. Suddenly, he realized he had just held her too tight and might hurt her. He loosed her wrist immediately, only to find there is already a red circle around her delicate wrist.
"Sorry." He said. But she seemed not noticed. The expression on her face is unreadable.
"Did I hurt you?" He asked, not daring to look into her eyes. But she didn't answer. Instead, she looked at the paper in his hand.
"You love me?" She asked.
Oh, God.
His lips parted, but nothing came out. He can't tell her the truth, and he can't lie either. It's horrible and humiliating at the same time, and her eyes focused on him only made things worse.
"You love me?" She repeated her question.
"I said that's not for you." He argued.
"Really? Then why there is a 'Blair' above your confession lines?"
He bit his bottom lip. She waited, and finally he said, "OK. Then it's not from me. I'd never write that bullshit. You keep that in mind."
"Whatever makes you feel better." She said, one hand searching in her purse, "Then what are those? Bullshit, too?"
His eyes widened in horror as he saw the wrinkled letters in her hand. No. No. No. That's impossible. This is not happening. How could she get those letters? He had never sent them, not even one.
As if reading his mind, she said, "Maybe a certain best friend of mine who accidentally being your step-sister found something interesting in your trash can now and then in the last month."
Damn it! He is going to kill Serena, if he can survive this.
She looked at him intensely, as if daring him to say something. He closed his eyes. Oh God. He had never thought he, Chuck Bass, would be caught in this kind of misery.
Finally opened his eyes, he said, "I'm sorry." Even he himself didn't know what he's apologizing for. Blogging to gossip girl about their secret? Comparing her to a dirty whore? Writing letters like these to her? Loving her?
She urged, "And?"
Finally he broke out. "What do you want, Waldorf?" He snapped, not knowing why suddenly he's so angry, "I already said I'm sorry, and I mean it. Every time I think about you, I regret what I did and hate myself more than the last time. You used me like a whore and God damn it I was more than willing to let you and even felt guilty when I stopped you to save my poor self-respect remained which is little! So what else do you fucking want from me?"
She seemed shocked by his temper. Her lips trembled and tears started to well in her eyes. Seeing this, Chuck sighed, voice softened, "I'm sorry." He said, "But you're not supposed to be here. Go find Nathenial and leave me alone, please."
"I'm not back for Nate." Blair said, trying her best to blink back the tears. In a serious tone, she asked, "Is that true? What you said in these letters, and in this one, is that true?"
"Yes." He whimpered. He was not capable of lying to her face, so he finally told the truth, hoping she did not heard him.
"Say it." She commanded. And instinctively he obeyed, "I missed you. And I love you."
He stared at the carpet, too sacred and ashamed to look at her. God, what did he ever do is so bad that make him deserve this kind of embarrassment and humiliation? Now he said it, and he felt totally naked in front of her. God. She would mock his stupid confession, laugh at him, stripe his pride and hurt him as all she wants. And he did not even have the ability to protect himself, not any more.
"Chuck…" She said, "Look at me, please."
"No." He insisted, "No, Waldorf. Don't fool me again. I said it. You won. So please leave. Stop torturing me."
"You. You stupid stubborn bastard!" Suddenly she grabbed his hair and pulled him down.
For a kiss.
Chuck was too shocked to say anything or do anything. All he can think was how familiarly sweet she tasted, half flower and half Blair. He missed it. He missed her.
He kissed her back with all the passion and love reserved only for her. However, something suddenly came into his mind as he pushed her away.
"What's the problem with you?" She asked, puzzled and pissed.
"I'm done being your little dirty secret and pretending not to care, Waldorf." He said. Damn it. Why did his voice sound so hurt and desperate?
She pulled him back and murmured against his lips, "Who said little dirty secret?"
"Then what? What are we?" Fuck! She's too close for him to think straight. All he wants to do was kissing her.
"What do you say to…crime partners?" She smiled. But he shook his head, "Blair, you should not come to me until you found the answer."
"What do you want?" She asked, confused.
He wants to say it, but he can't. He had already told her he loved her. Why can't she see what he want?
"More." was his only answer.
"Oh God." She finally realized. A hand rose to cover her open mouth, "Chuck, you can't be serious."
"Why can't I?" He snapped, "I told you what I felt. Why can't I be something like Nate was?"
"But," She seemed to be looking for some proper words, "But you're Chuck Bass. You don't do girlfriend."
"If I do," He asked, feeling unable to breathe, "What do you say?"
"I…I don't know! I mean, I never thought about it." She said sheepishly.
He straightened, shaking his head, "This is too typical." He said, "Of course you don't know. Of course you never thought about it. You never thought anything about us!" He ignored her attempt to cut in and continued, "Oh, wait. There is no 'us'. How could there be? Chuck and Blair? Sounds so funny!" He poured a glass of scotch and took a full gulp of it, fighting back the urge to throw the crystal glass against the wall.
"No. I didn't mean…"
"Shut up Waldorf!" He yelled, "Leave, now!"
"Could you shut up for a minute?" She yelled back, "What I mean is I don't know what we are because I don't think I know the meaning of boyfriend and girlfriend any more. You know I have been with Nate like forever. Whenever I thought about love, or wedding, or family, I thought about him. But things changed and suddenly he is gone and you came. I never planned this. I don't know what to do." She looked into his eyes, "And plus, we were friends. If we become boyfriend and girlfriend and then someday we screw it up, what about our friendship? You'll hate me and I'll hate you and we'll end up just like Nate and I. No. Even worse, because Nate and I had never just been friends. But we are different. We'll hurt each other or even destroy each other's life and…"
She was shut up by an unexpected kiss. "You are so cute when you predict things never going to happen." He murmured.
"Huh?"
"That's never going to happen. The hate and hurt and destroy thing. Never again." He assured her, "I have said some terrible things to hurt you on purpose. Look how it turned out. It hurt me more than you. I hate myself for it and wish I could take all of them back. I'm not going to hurt myself like that again. You know how selfish I am."
She smiled. "Yeah. I know." She leaned into his embrace, murmured to his chest with tears unshed in her eyes. "Let's have a try."
He hugged her tighter. "Am I forgiven?" He asked.
"Only if you promise me never to say things like that to me again, which you already have." She hugged him back, feeling so warm and comfortable in his arms.
"I swear." He said.
"Am I forgiven, too?" She asked, "I never said it to you, but I'm sorry."
"You know I've already forgiven everything." He said, inhaling her sweet scent, "But you have to promise never to run away to someone else."
"Well, what if you cheat on me and I need revenge?" She joked.
"Hey." He felt hurt, "You should have more faith in me. I'm not going to do that to you."
"Just kidding." She kissed him.
"Not funny." He frowned, but soon drowned in her sweet kisses.
fin