Jamie Confesses
A Short Story
Laying face down in the grass after being tripped, breathing heavily and aching all over Jamie wondered if a stupid game of football was worth it. 'No this shite game isn't worth it but being near Ste is.' He reminded himself just why he kept putting up with the name calling and the humiliation on and off the field. His mind drifted back to the first time he realized he was going to be in the changing room with 'him'! He didn't know whether to jump for joy or run in panic. 'Changing! Shite, changing in the same room with Ste!'
The bell rang and all the lads in his class headed for the changing room and a jolly good time on the playing field. Right! 'What am I doin'? I must be crazy! I've gotta get outa this!' But it was already too late. He was being swept along, pushed and shoved is more like it, with the rest. He tried to lag behind trying to figure a way out. No use. Being the first day they were assigned lockers to keep their clothes in while they changed into their football kits. They were assigned lockers alphabetically and since G was a distance from P, so were there lockers. It would have been too much to ask of Jamie if the lockers were too close together. He was finding it difficult to breath as it was. This was the boy he dreamed about. The boy he loved. This was his neighbor. If he had been nervous before, he was desperate now.
Everything was moving in slow motion as everyone started to strip. He kept his back to the room, facing his locker, trying to keep hidden by its door. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Ste quickly slip his shirt off and slip another one on, keeping his 'back' to his locker. 'Funny, I thought he was shy.' Jamie tried to remove his shirt and change it as efficiently as Ste but got his head and arm tangled together, banged his locker door attracting the attention he was trying to avoid. "What's the matter Gangle? Can't undress without your mummy?" Ryan blared at the top of his voice causing gales of laughter. Jamie wanted to die. He knew his whole body was bright red! He quickly glanced at Ste who had a sympathetic look on his face. Ste now turned around to face his locker and finish undressing. Jamie didn't dare look at him now. He was afraid he was being watched, besides he wasn't sure what would happen to him physically. 'Maybe if I just stole a quick glance,' he thought. He did and let out a little gasp at the sight of Ste's bare white bum. He tried to cover his gasp with some coughing. It seemed to work.
The day was like all the other days. Jamie was the last to be picked for a team. 'Ste's one of the captains, why didn't he pick me?' Jamie again was hurt and disappointed. To add insult to injury, he was always being knocked down whether a ball was near him or not. He would watch Ste as he skillfully maneuvered the ball around the pitch. Of course he would try not to be obvious. Ste was so graceful, so confident, not at all like the shy boy you would usually see around school and home.
After the game came the dreaded shower. This was one of the most difficult things he ever had to do, be naked in front of all his classmates, especially Ste! He tried to postpone the inevitable by first going to the loo, then trying to find something in his locker, anything to stall for time and all the time hoping that the majority of boys would finish showering and leave giving him a certain amount of privacy. He was surprised that no one seemed to mind stripping and running around with nothing on, goofing around and snapping towels at each other's bums. Jamie noticed that Ste didn't seem to be in a hurry either. 'Why doesn't he roughhouse with his mates?' Slowly some of the boys dressed and left.
Finally he realized he couldn't postpone the inevitable any longer. With a towel wrapped around his waist he headed for the showers but on his way one guy grabbed it and tried to pull it off. Jamie held on for dear life and managed to keep his dignity covered, but not his bum! During this bit of confusion he hadn't noticed that Ste had hurriedly passed by him with a towel draped across his back and just as quickly rinsed off and was on his way out by the time he was going into the showers. Not thinking Jamie had looked down at Ste and when he looked up they were staring each other in the eyes. Jamie turned bright red!
The shower stall had about eight shower heads along two opposite walls. Jamie very carefully managed to get a back corner one and just as carefully kept himself hidden. He managed to get through all this by turning his mind inward, in other words, he himself wasn't there, in his mind anyway. He divorced himself from the situation as best he could.
Jamie walked out of school and noticed Ste standing talking to some of his mates. He passed by them and headed home.
"Jamie wait up," he heard a familiar voice say. He turned and saw Ste walking toward him.
"Are ya headin' home?"
"Yea," he answered nervously.
"Mind if I walk with ya?" "Sure." He found it difficult to look Ste in the eyes after being caught glancing 'down there' in the showers.
"Ya oright?" "Yea."
"Ya look a little pale," Ste was watching Jamie.
"I guess it was a little hard," he added. "What?" Jamie asked quickly, nervously.
"The way they treated ya on the field and then that nonsense in the changing room."
"Oh," he felt a little relieved. "Yea."
"I don't know how ya put up with it," Ste glanced at Jamie. "Why do ya put up with it?"
"Because ...," he had to stop and think before he shot his mouth off and regretted what he was just about to say, "well what else can I do?"
"I don't know Jay...I mean Jamie," Jamie's heart leaped when Ste called him Jay.
They walked the rest of the way home in relative silence, both feeling a little awkward and not knowing exactly what to say. Upon getting home, Jamie felt around in his pocket looking for his door key, sort of. He was stalling while he would occasionally glance in Ste's direction watching him walk. 'He has the sexiest walk" Jamie thought. Ste pulled his key out and unlocked his door, before walking in he glanced at Jamie and notice him turn away quickly as he fumbled to open his door. Ste watched him curiously.
The next day as Jamie arrived at school he noticed Ste and his mates already kicking the ball around.
Every time he saw Ste his heart would do a little skip. He quietly leaned up against the building and watched. A couple of times he caught Ste catch him looking at him. He felt very self-conscious and decided it would be best if he went inside. He didn't want Ste to think he was totally weird!
Jamie was fumbling around in his locker when he saw Ste finally come inside and go to his locker. Claire was waiting for him with a big smile. 'Damn, she's hanging around him more and more!' Ste grinned shyly at her and they carried on some sort of conversation with Ste finally shaking his head yes. They walked into class together and Jamie noticed that instead of Claire going to her regular seat at the front of the room, she went to the back of the room at sat next to Ste. Jamie's heart sank to the floor. He kept sneaking glances at Ste and Claire but in order to do so he would have to drop something on the floor. When he bent down to pick it up he would look back at them. Ste caught him looking a couple of times and Jamie would blush at being caught. For the rest of the day he watched them. Wherever Ste was, there was Claire! By the last class, football, Jamie was actually feeling sick. She had actually started touching Ste in 'cute' little ways but he noticed that Ste was acting uneasy. Jamie wanted to cry. He knew now he wouldn't be able to handle seeing Ste in the changing room, knowing he would never have him, never be able to love him or be loved by him. This is when he started coming up with all kinds of excuses to avoid playing sports. As much as he wanted to be near Ste, it hurt too much.
The coach was walking onto the field carrying the balls when Jamie finally found him. As best he could, he explained he was too sick to play today and asked to go home. His pale clammy expression must have really worried the coach because as the class came running onto the field he pulled Ste aside and ask him if he would mind taking Jamie home. When he saw Jamie he too became very concerned.
"You live near Jamie don't you Ste? Would you mind seeing that he gets home might?" the coach asked.
"Sure I'll take him home. Let me change real quick." He started to leave but turned back to Jamie, "sit down and relax 'til I come back."
"No!" He said firmly, "I can get home by maself!" He took off running not noticing the stunned and hurt look on Ste's face.
"Hey Ste, let the bender go," Ryan yelled.
"Shut up McBride!" Ste spewed whirling around. The look on Ste's face surprised him.
Ste knocked on Jamie's door when he came home from school. He wanted to check and see how he was feeling but there was no answer. Jamie heard the knocking but figured who it must be and wouldn't go to the door. He didn't want Ste to see his blood shot eyes. Finally Ste gave up and went home. After tea Ste decided to try again. Again he knocked on the door, he heard footsteps, the door opened and he was greeted by Sandra.
"Oh, hi Mrs. Gangle. Is Jamie in?" he asked shyly.
"Yea 'e's in," she looked him up and down which caused him to shift from one foot to the other.
"Could I talk to him?"
"'e's not feelin' well Ste."
"Yea I know. I just wanna talk ta him, if it's oright?"
"Up stairs, in 'is room," she stepped back to let him inter. Jamie didn't have many friends and the concern in Ste's voice touched her.
He tapped softly on Jamie's door. No answer. He tapped again, a little harder.
"What?" Jamie sounded annoyed.
"Jamie it's me. Can I come in?" Jamie's heart skipped a beat because he thought it was his mum. He wanted so much to see Ste and yet he didn't. He thought it would be easier if he just cut himself off from Ste, try to distance himself emotionally. He didn't know what to do. 'Maybe if I caused he to dislike me..'
"No! I don't want ta see ya, or anyone," he had to soften it a bit, Ste already had too much rejection in his life, "I don't feel good." Ste stood there in silence not sure what to do.
"I'd really like ta talk ta ya," he finally said. A monotone 'no' was all that came back through the door. He couldn't force himself on Jamie he knew, so he left.
"He wont talk ta me," he said to Sandra as he quickly left the flat. She stared at the slammed door and then up the stairs toward Jamie's room.
The next day at school Jamie did his best to avoid Ste. Since they had most of their classes together the best he could do was avoid eye contact. If he noticed Ste making a move to come toward him he would start talking to anyone near, which wasn't easy for Jamie to do, but he had to keep Ste away.
Claire continued her relentless attack on Ste. She was becoming more possessive, allowing Ste to be alone only when he went to the loo, which he seemed to be doing a lot lately. A horrible thought occurred to Jamie, 'he wouldn't be going to the loo to...no he couldn't, he wouldn't be relieving his frustration...surely she's not exciting him to the point...' Jamie thought he was going to throw up! He himself had to run to the loo! The thought of Ste and Claire together, his Ste! He passed out!
Somewhere in the background he heard his name being called. Someone was slapping his face!
"Jamie! Jamie! Jesus! Jayson get me some water!" he yelled. He was sitting on the floor with Jamie's head on his lap. "Jay? Jay?" Ste shook him, the sound of distress in his voice. Jayson came back with the water but wasn't sure who it was for. Ste looked as bad as Jamie! He was puzzled. Ste grabbed the cup and tried to get some water into Jamie's mouth but poured most of it on his chin and neck because he was shaking so much.
Jamie's eyes fluttered open. For an instant he was the happiest person in the world because only inches from his face was his Ste's. The panic on Ste's face caused the preceding incidence to flood his memory. He quickly staggered to his feet, stared at Ste for a split second and bolted out the door. By the time Ste realized what happened and got to the door Jamie was no where in sight.
Ste wouldn't see Jamie that evening either. He couldn't even get past Sandra this time. She told him Jamie was very upset about something and had just now fallen asleep and she didn't want to disturb him.
For the rest of the week at school things were very stressful. No matter how many times Ste tried to find out what happened to Jamie in the loo, Jamie would avoid him. Ste abhorred violence but right now he wanted to shake the shite out of Jamie!
Friday night the school was having a dance. That's what Claire had asked Ste at the beginning of the week, would he go with her? He couldn't think fast enough so had agreed. Since Gina was about the only person Jamie would talk to, she had been working on him, trying to talk him into going. Said the change would be good, help relieve the stress of this week and who knew, he might meet the girl of his dreams! He almost laughed in her face. Finally after being beaten to death by her unrelenting nagging and to shut her up he agreed.
Dressed and ready to go, Jamie just sat on his bed staring out the window. He didn't want to go. What if someone asked him to dance? What would he do? He knew that really wasn't a concern, seeing Ste and Claire, that was his concern!
All his fears came back to haunt him. When he walked in the dance was going strong. Everyone seemed to be having a great time. His eyes wondered around the dance floor until he spotted that beautiful black hair and wide shoulders. He would know Ste anywhere! Claire was clinging to him, head against his chest and arms around his waist. She couldn't get any closer unless she got in his pants! Jamie cringed, 'that's exactly what she's trying to do. And she probably will!'
Jamie watched his Ste dancing, snuggling up to Claire. He hoped he would be happy. He hadn't realized his tears had started falling at the same time his heart broke. Ste had slowly turned he and Claire around, that's when his eyes locked with Jamie's. He was looking into the saddest face he had ever seen, almost lifeless. Jamie's tears sparkled as the spinning lights reflected off them. Ste could hardly breath, he had never felt such anxiety. Jamie slowly turned and walked out of the building. Ste's legs gave way and Claire had to literally hold him up.
"Ste! What's wrong?" She asked concerned.
"I don't know. I have ta sit down."
She guided him to a chair and he slumped down heavily, confused. He sat there for a long while thinking while Claire, Gina, Ryan, Lenny, Jayson and other friends chatted. Finally he seemed to come to some sort of decision.
"Claire would ya mind if Gina and Ryan took ya home? I have ta leave."
"That will be okay," she said disappointed, "don't you feel well?"
"Not at the moment," he said.
By the time he reached the door he was running full speed. They all looked at each other trying to figure out what happened. in the distant darkness he could see a figure walking slowly, head down shoulders slumped. He would recognize Jamie anywhere!
"Jay! Wait!" He panted as he got closer. But Jamie didn't wait. Ste finally caught up with him, grabbed his arm and spun him around.
"I said wait! Why are ya so damn stubborn?"
Ste stood staring at his tear stained face as more tears started falling.
"Jay I'm so sorry," he said as he tried to wipe the tears away.
"For what?" Jamie finally managed to say.
"For not seeing before." Jamie just looked at him.
"I don't understand," he muttered.
"God, I thought I was slow," he smiled.
Jamie still didn't understand. Ste put one hand around Jamie's waist and the other behind his head, "I love you Jay," he said softly as he pulled him close against him for their first kiss. Jamie's arms went around Ste's neck and he held on tight as they cried tears of relief and happiness.
Ste looked into Jamie's eyes, "Now I know what was missing at the dance," Jamie tilted his head, "this, you, the feeling of your touch. I love you Jay."
"I've wanted ta say this to ya for so long Ste, I love you too." They had their second and more passionate kiss.
"Yeah, I know," Ste whispered in his ear, "now!"
The End