Ed's Valuable Lesson

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Oneshot

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fiction.

AN: Request from Red's 21. I hope you all like it.


Ed's Valuable Lesson

Ed muttered various obscenities as he stopped through headquarters. His hands were clinched in fists and his face was flushed a dark red and if his eyes were able to shoot flames they would be doing so. For the most part, the officers ignored him. They knew there were two possibilities for his anger. He was called short by someone, or he had a meeting with Mustang and was insulted in the true Flame Alchemist fashion. Mustang always had an almost elegant way to insult the young man.

At first, Ed's actions were hilariously funny to the officers now had become so routine that they didn't even crack a smile as he fumed through the hallways. As usual, his brother Alphonse was very close behind his brother and followed him out the door. This time however, the officers didn't' realize that he had another reason for being furious.

Ed stopped at the top of the steps and lifted his tightly clinched fist up to eye level. "I'm going to punch him in the face. I'm going to knock him through the wall. I'm going to maim him!" Ed screeched.

"Brother, that's not a ni—"

"Don't' Al! You know that he should have called us if he wasn't going to be here. He told us to come here today. We were all the way West and he called us out here only to not be here. We have more important things to do than be at his beck and call.

They both walked down the steps and toward the gate when they heard someone speak.

"Hey Ed," Breda said. "What are you guys doing here?"

"That damn colonel with a god complex told us to be here for a report and he's not even here. Do you know where he is?"

"I saw him walking toward Central City Park with L—"

"Thanks!" he interrupted and stormed away in an angry fury. He then picked up his pace, running in the direction of the park.

"Al sighed and started to follow when Breda stopped him. "I think you'd better stay here. Lieutenant Hawkeye isn't going to be happy with Ed interrupting the colonel's date," he said.

"Lieutenant? Why would Lieutenant Hawkeye be upset over…Wait! Are they on a date."

"That they are," Breda says. "They only get a chance to go on one a few times a month."

"Aren't there rules about that?"

"Not for two commissioned officers," Breda said. When Al didn't speak, he figured he would explain.

"From second lieutenant to general is a commissioned officer. Below the rank of second lieutenant is non-commissioned unless an exception is made. So commissioned officers are allowed to date each other and non-commissioned soldiers are allowed to date. A commissioned can't date a non commissioned officer. So let's say Havoc wanted to date Scieszka, he couldn't because it's against the fraternization rules. However if he wanted to date a fellow lieutenant or higher then he could do that."

"Oh, I understand now. So how long have they been dating."

"It was quite a few months before any of us knew. I mean, everyone knew they had feelings for each other before they became public."

"They are on a date right this moment," Al said, restating the circumstances.

"Right. It was Hawkeye's day off and Mustang only had to work half a day so they went out."

"And my brother is interrupting."

"Right," Breda said.

"Um, that's really bad," Al said, turning around and taking a step before Breda stopped him with his next words.

"Is it really bad Al?"

Al turned around to look at the man and thought about it for a moment. Maybe if he left Ed alone he would learn to control his temper an think things through before acting if he suffered the consequences once.

"But I shouldn't let him get in trouble," Al said.

"Think of it as doing him a favor," Breda replied. "Trust me Al, I have a brother too. Now, I have to get to the range to help unload a few cartons of among and do some inventory."

"Need help?" Al questioned, making his decision regarding Edward.

Breda smiled. "You've made the right decision. Yes, I think your help would be very handy."

--

Ed cursed under his breath all the way to the park. When he passed through the gates he looked around for the man he wanted to punch. He growled for what seemed like the millionth time that day, shoved both of his hands in his pockets and walked along the sidewalk studying the couples around him. The more he saw people together, the more confused he became.

What was so great about getting a girlfriend anyway? Mustang teased him constantly about it but honestly, he really couldn't comprehend the use for it. Was there really that much enjoyment in it? He couldn't see much difference between it and just being friends with a girl. Yes, being friends was just fine for him.

It was then that he spotted his target. Mustang was sitting against a tree: his head leaned back and his eyes closed. Ed grinned maliciously. It was time for some revenge. He took another step but froze as a beautiful blonde sat down beside him. He watched as Roy opened his eyes and smiled genuinely at her. It was quite an odd site to see him be so relaxed and happy with someone. The woman cupped his face in her hands, and kissed his lips, his head still leaning back against the tree trunk. He pulled away and sat up straight. He pulled her onto his lap and kissed her. The woman wrapped her arms around his neck and he pushed her back onto the blanket lying on the ground.

Ed blushed and started to leave but then remembered that the colonel completely disregarded their appointment in favor of some blonde bimbo. He decided to get even by both ruining his date and causing physical harm to the bastard colonel. He moved around the small hill that the tree was atop, and came up behind it. He peaked around the tree to see that the colonel was still kissing the woman. Ed slowly climbed it and hid in its bushy limbs. He looked down to see that the colonel pulled away. He nearly fell off the branch when he realized that the gorgeous blonde woman was none other than Lieutenant Hawkeye.

Nah, it couldn't be her! His eyes must have been playing tricks on him. The lieutenant wouldn't be spending outside time with him. She was too good for Mustang. In addition, the so-called, hell, would freeze over before she'd let him kiss her. Nope, it wasn't the lieutenant.

"Colonel …Sir, get off me now. People will think we are having sex up here if they see you on top of me like this.

"Man, hearing you call me that turns me on," he said and kissed her.

Ed's eyes widened. That woman called him sir just like Lieutenant Hawkeye. She even had the Lieutenant's voice. Suddenly a little equation appeared in his head. Voice plus rank plus looks equals Lieutenant Hawkeye. It was unbelievable that the Lieutenant would let Mustang that close to her.

Roy straddled Riza's body and lowered his lips to kiss her neck. She groaned, closed her eyes, and wrapped her arms around him. "Sir, we can't have people think we are having sex?" she repeated, her voice now very faint.

Ed was extremely confused. Why was she referring to gender. What did him on top of her have to do with gender?

"Would that be bad?" Roy muttered. Ed could barely make out his words as he watched the colonel bestow affectionate actions on the lieutenant.

"Yes sir, we should wait until we get back to your place before we do anything like that. Not in a public place where everyone can see."

That statement confused Ed even more. Surely, people already knew that Riza was female and Roy was male.

Roy pulled back and frowned. "You have no adventurous side Riza. It would be fun to make love here."

"Fun yes, proper no," she said with a chuckle.

Just when Ed thought that he couldn't get more befuddled, he was brought up onto another level of the confusion ladder. How did you make love? He always thought love was just an emotion and emotions couldn't be made. He cursed to himself and hit the tree branch he was sitting on. He hated feeling this way because he always prided himself on the knowledge that he possessed. He hit the branch again and heard a small crack. He looked behind him to see the branch was about to break and paled significantly.

Roy sat up and looked around. "Did you hear that?" he questioned.

Riza looked at him with a look of confusion. "I didn't hear anything."

Ed tried to scramble off the branch before it broke but as he tried, he lost his balance and fell out of the tree. He hit on top of Roy causing Roy's head to fall between Riza's bosoms. Ed scrambled off Roy quickly and scooted against the tree, breathing heavily and thankful that he had no broken bones.

"Edward!" Riza said with surprise. She saw Ed staring at Roy with eyes wide. Riza glared at him.

"Roy, let me up!"

"But this is great," he said.

She slapped his head and pushed him away. "Pervert," she muttered.

Roy smiled and rubbed the back of his head where Riza smacked.

"Can I do that again later?"

"Sir, Edward is here! Hush!"

"Oh yeah…" Roy turned his gaze from Riza to Edward, it turning from loving and enjoyable to angry.

"Just what are you doing here?"

Ed blinked. With all the talk he heard coming from the two adults before him, and all the questions his inquisitive mind was throwing around, he'd forgotten the original reason he was there to begin with.

"What does gender have to do with you being on top of the lieutenant?" he asked, not bothering to hesitate. If one wanted to know something, the only way to find out was either to research it in books or ask. Since he had no books, he had to resort to questions. Besides, despite not having much respect for the colonel, Ed had to admit he was very intelligent.

"Um… what in the hell do you mean?" Roy said, the frustration of Edward's intrusion on his date with Riza, replaced with bewilderment.

"The Lieutenant said that with you on top of her people were going to think you were having sex. What does gender have to do with that? People know that you are male and the lieutenant is female."

Roy and Riza looked at each other and paled. Surely, Edward knew about sex…right?

"Edward, you know what sex is right?" Riza asked cautiously, actually fearing what his answer would be.

"Of course," he said.

"Oh good," she said with a sigh of relief.

"It's either of the two categories (male or female) into which most organisms are divided."

Riza nearly fell over at his definition. Didn't anyone ever explain sexual relations to this boy? She cursed lowly when she realized the answer to her own question. Of course no one ever explained it. He never had that sort of model in his life. His entire life to this point had been all about alchemy and research on human transmutation and the philosopher stone.

"While that's true Ed. There's more to it than just gender. Sex has different meanings," Roy started. Riza blinked and stared over at him. Much to her complete shock, Roy was taking this matter seriously. She was expecting him to tease Edward about his ignorance on the topic.

"Meanings?"

"Well, yes. All right then, you know how men and women are made differently right?"

"Duh," Ed replied.

"All right then. So sex."

"Gender," Ed said.

"No, not gender. Though gender makes a difference in female and male sex. I mean two males could have sex, and two females can have sex so to speak but I am discussing sex between male and female."

"Yes, a female has a vagina and the male a penis that makes them different sexes."

"Yes but sex is also the name used for the sexual act itself. The penis has sperm in it and the woman has eggs inside her. The sexual act that puts the sperm inside the female. It pollinates her ovaries."

Riza looked at Roy strangely. "Pollinates sir? Don't you mean fertilizes the egg."

"What in the hell does fertilizer have to do with genders?" Ed questioned, causing Riza and Roy to fall over.

"Okay, there's only one thing to do," Roy said. "It's a last resort but I think it's the best thing."

"What's that?" Riza questioned.

Roy stood up and dusted off his pants. "Let's pack up and go talk to Maes," he said, motioning to the blanket they were sitting on.

"Does Lieutenant Colonel Hughes know about gender fertilizing?"

Riza sighed. "Yes, Edward. He knows all about it and he will be willing to give you a good thorough education on the subject. "

---

Edward slowly came out of Hughes' temporary office there at East City. His face was pale and he looked like he was about to throw up. He never imagined that there was so much to reproduction. He looked at Roy and Riza and stared at them a full minute before speaking in a disturbed tone. Whatever Hughes did, scarred the young man.

"He had diagrams," Edward said, his voice shaking.

"Looks like Hughes conveyed everything about sex to him pretty well," Riza said.

"You two have done that?" he questioned in an even tone, with no expression whatsoever. He turned his gaze to her. "You let him put his … in your… Why aren't you pregnant then?"

"Okay, maybe not everything," Riza muttered.