I can't sleep to night for fear of reliving a nightmare; maybe it was all in my head? I slap myself silly trying to wake up. I realize I am not dreaming, I am not in a different world or reality, I am awake, alive.

GOD I HATE MY LIFE!

Was I put here to be stomping ground that everybody wipes their feet on? I must be, that is the only way I can explain why I am here. I am the person people find who is so nice that I get taken in and the next thing you know I am getting kicked around for no good reason. Just because I am nice and care a lot doesn't mean it is ok for people to use me and then trample me to death.

At night there is a constant flood of tears but by morning they are all dried up, and I wash away the proof that they ever existed. I try and put on my bravest face to hide it from everyone but me, I have gotten good at hiding how I feel and have felt. Living life with a false outside is tough since the pain inside is so real. It kills me a little more each day. I finally got to the point where I didn't care anymore, I ate my pain and sorrows away each day. Neglecting my health, not caring about anyone but me, locking myself in my room with my laptop not coming out unless I needed something. I wouldn't talk, I avoided eye contact. I was miserable and pathetic hopeless and empty.

But one day I began writing about a passion I had because I had a found this free story hosting site. So I decided to open up my creative side. At first it was ok, I wrote a lot of sad things and tragedies since that was the only thing I had ever known my entire life. Then this random writer came upon my stuff and commented on it and I took an interest in it and responded. After a while of talking we came to the conclusion that we would ask each other a bunch of random questions. I began to get interested this person who revealed her real name, it was the most beautiful name I had ever heard, Eleanor.

It was amazing I was falling for a girl I knew little about, I had never seen her picture. Heck I didn't even know if she was even a real person or a predator. But I didn't care. One day I expressed how I felt and I was getting a little bold which for me was almost impossible after all of the heart break I had in my life. She told me in the nicest way possible that she already had a beau. But that she liked me for my honesty. I never had a facebook account and I wasn't planning on getting one ever.

But I was so taken with this girl that I decided to get one and she was so awesome that she even gave me her full name so that I could see what she looked like. Her full name was Eleanor Alyssa Miller, she looked like a goddess to me, how could she think she looked plain or distasteful? Was she looking in a trick mirror? She must have been since she looked perfect in every way. Her dull blue eyes light up her radiant looking hair.

I discovered that she was living in Virginia and I lived in Texas, I have loved my state but it was then that I wished that I lived near her. She was the reason for me being here. After a couple of days and a few hundred messages later she had a melt down but I was out and about that day. It wasn't by choice but I had to go the dentists offices. When I got home I saw that there were messages out the wahzoo flooding my inbox. I read them and responded swiftly asking her to forgive me, I was so crazy I gave her my cell number and asked her to text me back which she did as soon as she got it.

After a week of texting frenzy I was feeling like a million bucks again, a feeling that hadn't graced my presence in so long I thought I was coming down with something. I thought I was going crazy because I hadn't felt so good in so many years. I told her all about me not letting a tiny detail slip, I was having a grand time.

I had learned so much about her, I had also learned that her parents didn't know about her writing about her obsession and about me either. I was cool with it, I enjoyed her company so much, she was what woke me up in the morning and kept me up at night. She was like a guiding STAR at night, so bright and extremely nice. We were inseparable, fireproof and unbreakable. OR so I thought.

It was the fourth of July it is supposed to be a day of great joy and celebration. For me it was the end of my life, I found out that Ellie's parents discovered me on facebook and they told her to delete me from there. She told me before she did so, and that we would have to grind to a halt on texting during the day, and that she would text me at night. I was floored, crushed my world caved in on me once again like the night of my prom when the girl I loved used me to run away from home.

I had gone with my family to our friends house to celebrate July fourth. But when I learned of the news I just slumped in my seat. I felt my heart, soul and mind ripped from me, I tried not to cry. I knew it was hurting her just as much as it was hurting me telling me all of this. I sobbed and texted her how I felt and asked her where we would go from here? She didn't know but she still wanted to be friends. I was not going to let them break up such an awesome friendship like this. I had promised her that I would always be there for her like a true friend.

This went on for over three hours as I stayed in the car not caring, no longer hungry or thirsty. I just wanted to shrivel up cease to exist, all the time thinking

What is a life if it has no meaning?

What is the point in loving if there is no hope?

Why should we press on if the only thing to be gained is pain?

Why do we fall so often and never get up?

What is the point in caring when there is nothing worth sharing?

Why do we fail? Is it because of something we said?

Is it something that we deserve?

Why do other people have to control and interfere with the lives of other?

Did I really deserve another lesson in the school of hard knocks?

Does life always have to be so cruel to me?

Why does it build me up till I'm on top of the world then

Flatten me with one foul swoop?

Was is it because I was having a good time?

Was is due to the fact that I actually started to love who I was?

Was it necessary to steal a joy I had almost forgotten so long ago?

The sorrow in my heart is like a flood,

It wiped out my passion,

Stripped my senses of all that was good,

Desolated myself esteem which was never there

To begin with.

CURSE my cruel fate!

How could I deserve this?

I am compassionate,

Kind and caring,

Loving to a fault,

Selfless to the point I

Would give my life to save another,

I am he who walks on

A bed of nails, never

Flinching, never stopping

Pain in my eyes as I travel this

Pain filled road in a state of

Disrepair, broken once more.

Not by true loves bitter poisonous kiss

But by the hand of another.

Like Romeo and Juliet's love was

Unbreakable so was that bond between me

And mine own best friend forever.

But like Romeo and Juliet a feud/misconceived

Idea tore them apart causing a tragic happening

Though I did not die physically I died emotionally

I felt a knife slit me from nose to naval and pluck

Out my still beating heart and stab it before mine

Own eyes as I felt a coldness rack my body and

My breaths became shallow.

I am dying, I am dead. Killed by the hand who

Has no clue what treacheries they have committed

For it is murder. Murder of the heart of friends who

Cared so deeply that they would give up most anything

To be there for the other.

MURDERERS, MURDERERS!

- good - bye - cruel - (cough!) -WORLD!

I was dead emotionally, but I was still going to be there for her. I mean after all she was an awesome person. I fell back into my old habits, I suppressed my feelings and acted happy once more pushing the pain down and locking it in small box only to be opened when no one was around. I will always and forever dwell on the events of that day as I went from one tragedy over a year ago to another one.

This is why I never opened and get extremely close to people because bad things happen to good people like me. Now I am still talking to this girl but only time heals all wounds no matter how deep they are.