Chapter 1

Tony Soprano was eating at the breakfast table when his cell phone vibrated in his pocket.

The vibration rubbed against him hard, and pissed him off badly.

"Motherfucker! How many fuckin' times have I set this thing up for no vibration?"

His face visible full of anger and distress, he turned to look at A.J. who was sitting besides him.

A.J. was crying, obviously spooked by his fathers rage. He threw his cereal bowl against the wall and took off up the stairs, wailing along the way.

"You better be ready to clean your fuckin' mess up later, A.J.! I should have..!"

Tony stopped himself.

Although he thought about it everyday, revealing to his son that he wished he had left him to drown in the backyard pool wouldn't be good. Tony was smart enough to know that.

Still agitated, Tony removed his phone from his pocket.

1 New Text Message From: Paulie

"T, come on down 2 the bing. Its georgies bday."

Tony was hesitant to reply.

He thought of it 2 ways.

He could not reply, go back upstairs and slap A.J. around a bit, and then splash around in the pool for a few hours.
Or, he could show up at the Bada Bing and have some cake.

Suddenly, the backyard door flew open.

Carmela and Furio walked into the house, both dripping wet and in respective bathing suits.

"T-Tony! Uh, my god, I thought you were asleep…" stuttered Carm.

Furio's eyes were as wide as watermelons. He pressed against the wall and sunk down to the floor as he began to pray in Italian, his voice growing shaky and emotional.

Tony stood up.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU TWO DOING OUT THERE? STEALING FROM THE BIRD FEEDER?" he screamed. His voice shook the whole house.

Carmela began to pray with Furio, joining him on the floor.

Tony took off his belt and walked towards the two.

"I'm going to beat the shit out of you like I did that guy from The Mask. Only worse. And Furio, I'm going to rip your FUCKIN' PONY TAIL OFF AND FEED IT TO ESTERHAZ!"

Furio stood up and wiped the tears from his face. He began to speak.

"Tony, I sorry I went away. And I sorry I fuck your wife in the pool. I love her. She loves me. Please just be happy for us."

Furio spoke with as much pride as he could. He was visibly terrified.

Tony slapped him across the face.

"Why the fuck did you not bring me a gift back from Italy, you cocksucker? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I'd want a fuckin' book? Or a little toy?"

The room grew dark as Tony stepped towards the two weeping lovers, a maniacal laugh echoing throughout the Soprano residence.