Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale version of "Band Geeks"
(Raiden slashes his sword to classical music until doorbell rings)
Captain Qwark: Yeah, uhh, we're with the pet hospital down the street, and I understand that you have a smuggled Minion on the premises. (Raiden slams door. cellphone rings, Raiden picks it up)
Raiden: Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the (slashes painting)
Polygon Man(in left side of a split screen): Sounds like you've got a smuggled Minion to attend to, eh ol' chum?
Raiden(on right side of split screen): (gasps) Polygon Man from the Boss Arena?
Polygon Man: (snooty) I hear you're playing second fiddle to Mr. Snake now?
Raiden: Sometimes. Uh, how's the polygons?
Polygon Man: They're big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the BATTLE BOWL next week.
Raiden: (stammering) The ba-ba-ba…The ba-ba-ba…The ba-ba-ba...
Polygon Man: That's right. I'm living YOUR dreams Raidy. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your friends could cover for us.
Raiden: (still stammering) Ohh, uhh, I…I, uhh…
Polygon Man: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the frenemy industry now.
Raiden: HOLD IT! It just so happens that I'm not Snake's rival, I do have a band, and we're going to play that Battle Bowl! How do you like that, Rejectboy?!
Polygon Man: Good luck, next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of…Ibuprofen. (hangs up phone)
Raiden: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! Drum…haha…band humor.
(screen fades to citizens of Playstation City reading off of band practice flyers)
Nariko: Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?
Kratos: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Playstation City.
Fat Princess: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know.
Sweet Tooth: Not to mention free refreshments.
Issac Clarke: Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp. (Raiden looks at his watch while driving a hot rod with instruments)
Raiden: Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor.
[ALL CHATTERING]
Raiden: People, people, settle down! Ok, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?
Kratos: Do instruments of God-killing count?
Raiden: No.
Sir Dan: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Raiden: No, Danny, mayonnaise is not an instrument. (Sir Dan raises his hand again) Horse radish is not an instrument, either. (Sir Dan lowers his hand) That's fine. No one has experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you. (laughs)
Sweet Tooth: When do we get the free food?
Raiden: Ok, try to repeat after me. (Raiden plays 6 notes) Brass section, go. (brass section repeats) Good. Now the wind. (wind section repeats) And the drums. (drum players, including PaRappa, misunderstand what Raiden means, so they blow on their drum sticks, which blow out and stick Raiden to the wall) Too bad that didn't kill me. (Next scene) Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
PaRappa: Is this the part where we start kicking?
Raiden: No, PaRappa, that's a chorus line.
Sir Dan: Kicking?! I want to do some kicking! (Sir Dan kicks Nariko in her leg )
Nariko: Ow! Why, you…! (dust cloud of beatings appears with Nariko jumping at Sir Dan, which then goes out an open door, which then closes)
[SIR DAN YELLS OUTSIDE]
Sir Dan: Whoever knows an evil robot owl, he's looking for a guy named Cooper. (Sir Dan walks in with his head and torso separated by a trombone, his head in the horn, then plays a tune with a series of A and B-flats. When he sits down, he plays a loud blare as the trombone stick goes down and opens his mouth, then when the note is over, he looks down with his head straight)
Narrator: Day two. (band walking down a street playing)
Raiden: Okay, that's perfect everybody. Battle Bowl here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay, turn. Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some spinning. Flag twirlers let's move! C'mon, move! (flag twirlers spin fast and fly into the air and explode when running into a blimp. Trumpet player plays "Taps", then Raiden lies down on street, curled up in a ball)
Narrator: Day three.
Raiden: How's that one-man band solo coming, Kratos?
Kratos: It's spectacular! You shall want to see? {picks up his harmonica and plays the first note. Then picks up a trombone and plays another note. Grabs a piccolo and plays three notes at the same time. He gets tired and slowly grabs a flute to play another note. Has trouble playing it. Falls down and spreads saliva}
Narrator: Day four.
Raiden: Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that none of you improved since we began… (Sir Dan bangs his head with a trumpet) …but I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?
Kratos: (loudly) CORRECT!
Raiden: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? {Everybody gets their instuments ready}And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four! (Instantly a piercing loud horrible sound from the instruments breaks the windows apart and causes a small earthquake. Raiden's face is deformed like a Picasso painting, his cybernetic parts are gone and his wand for the direction of music breaks in half.) Okay, new theory... Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
Nathan Drake: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big, meaty paws!
Sweet Tooth: What did you say, punk?!
Nathan Drake: BIG, MEATY PAWS!
Sweet Tooth: Well, these paws ain't just for driving ice cream trucks and wielding chainsaws.
Nathan Drake: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!
PaRappa: No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Kat: Oh ho, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us.
[ALL ARGUING]
Raiden: Wait, wait. I know tensions are high. (everyone gets into a fight. Ratchet and Jak are yelling at each other. Ratchet slams a drum on him.) There's a deposit on the equipment, people! (everyone uses their instruments as weapons. Sweet Tooth and Nathan Drake charge with clarinets like a joust but they slow down as Fat Princess slams them with cymbals.) Settle down, please. (Nariko and Sly are fighting. Nariko destroys Sly's xylophone by chopping it with a drum stick and he runs away. Sir Dan kicks Nariko, and Nariko glares, and snarls before grabbing a trombone. Sir Dan screams and runs off as Nariko chases him and the clock sounds at 10 and everyone stops fighting.)
Spike: Hey, class is over! (they all walk to the door making up their fight where Raiden slams them open)
Raiden: Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny, bite-size pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks, thanks for nothing.
Sir Dan: You're welcome.
PaRappa: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Raiden's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Kat, when your little Dusty was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?
Kat: A firemen.
PaRappa: And Zeus, when your heart failed out from all those tanning pills, who revived you?
Zeus: Some guy in an ambulance.
PaRappa: Right. So, if we can all just pretend that Raiden was a fireman, or a guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means: to be in a marching band.
Nathan Drake: Yeah, for the fireman!
All: Hooray!
PaRappa: Now let's make Raiden proud. A-one, a-two, a-skiddleydiddleydoo.
(At Battle Bowl)
Raiden: I knew this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope that… (sees Polygon Man) …POLYGON DOESN'T FIND OUT! POLYGON! AH! What are you doing here?
Polygon Man: (laughs) I just wanted to watch you blow it. So, where's your band?
Raiden: Um, they couldn't come. They…died.
Polygon Man: Then who's that?
Raiden: AH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!
PaRappa: We're ready to perform, Raiden.
Polygon Man: Well, Raidy, this is exactly how I pictured your band with look. (PaRappa beatboxes while dancing)
Raiden: That's his…eager face. (Polygn laughs. They all go into the Battle Bowl)
Raiden: Well, I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town.
PaRappa: That's the spirit, Raiden. (bowl raises above the Boss Arena)
Football Announcer: Ok, football fans. Put your hands together for the Playstation City SuperBand! (crowd of Polygonal All-Stars cheer)
Sir Dan: These are some ugly looking mockups.
PaRappa: Maybe we're in those toxic waste dumps.
Sweet Tooth: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Raiden: (Nervously) Ok, everybody. Let's get this over with. One, two, three, four...
(Several band members play trumpets for a short time) (Music: "Sweet Victory") (PaRappa begins singing)
[SINGING] The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the wind closing in. The only attack were their wings on the wind. Oh, the daydream begins. And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight, in the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the world is ours to follow. Sweet, sweet, sweet victory.
(Polygon Man is shocked at the band's success and Raiden looks at Polygon Man in an evil and smug way causing Polygon Man to be scared. Raiden as he makes rock star moves, Polygon Man explodes in shock and awe and Raiden waves good bye to him as medical doctors take his polygons away in the distance. After receiving the AP orb inside Polygon Man, Raiden jumps into the air, delighted that he has a great band)