This has been on another computer for a while, but it didn't have Internet access, which is why it never got posted. But I'm adding it now, in the middle of writing my other story, Dealing 2. Although I will return to that one soon! And this is after the book. I got the idea loosely from another fic I read, but that was about Ponyboy and Cherry, so I don't really consider them "the same." Also, I own all of this (ha! I wish). No, S.E. Hinton holds the rights to everything in this story!
All the Little Things
When I open up my eyes in the morning, I still expect to see him lying beside me, his arm thrown over me, sleeping late like he always does. He's gonna be late for work again, I think with a grin. Then I roll over and the space beside me is empty. I have the bed to myself now, but out of habit I still only use one side, leaving room for him. I just always forget late at night and early in the morning that he won't be here.
Just a little thing like that is enough to make me feel sick all over again. When I go to make myself breakfast, I fry my eggs and open the icebox to find some chocolate milk. I see the jar of grape jelly and I go cold all over. Just a little thing like that.
We never eat that stuff anymore, but I take it out and put it on the table anyway. I tell myself that if I don't, he'll come in, rushing to get to work, and say, "Hey, where's all the grape jelly? You forgot to put it out again!" But he never does and he never will.
And I sit and eat my eggs, holding the knife with jelly on it, about to spread some on my eggs but never quite able to. It always still looks gross to me. He liked it. He liked anything sweet. And I remember him telling me to just try it.
He spreads a glob of sticky purple jelly on his eggs and takes a huge bite, smacking his lips. "Delicious," he teases me. "Eggs aren't eggs without the grape jelly!"
I wrinkle my nose and eat my own normal breakfast. "No thanks. I prefer to eat eggs plain, without sugary gunk."
"Sugary gunk?" he exclaims in disbelief. "It's perfect! Come on, just try a bite."
"No," I say firmly. "You're the only person in the world who eats eggs like that!"
He grins. "Maybe I am. But it's still delicious."
The memory fades, and I put the knife down. He's still the only person in the world who would eat eggs like that. Now he always will be. When I go to get dressed and realize that all his clothes will fit me now, I could die because it hurts so much. That I'm still growing and now I'm as tall as he ever got to be. I can't wear his clothes. It makes me look too much like him. Once my other, oldest, and now only brother got us mixed up.
"Hey, little buddy, you're gonna be late!" he told me, hauling me out of bed. "Come on, you've gotta get to work!" My eyes widened in surprise, and he let go of me suddenly.
"It's me," I said softly. He stumbled backward, looking almost scared of me.
"I know," he said quickly. "I just—you look so much like him now."
"I do?" I asked, surprised. "We never looked alike before."
"Yeah you did," he corrected me. "And now you could be twins. Same hair, same face. For a second I almost thought—" then he left the room before finishing his sentence.
But I knew what he was going to say. For a second, like me, he'd thought that maybe there was a mistake, that he was back. Back with us again. But we both knew he wasn't. He was gone, and he was never coming back. In the instant we got the letter and the phone call, we knew a huge part of our lives was gone. Gone just like our two friends had been for the past two years. Now another had left us forever.
And it was all the little things that made me remember the reality of that. I have to leave for school and I put on my shoes, but as I bend down to tie the laces I freeze. He didn't like to wear shoes, avoided them as much as possible. Wearing my own make me remember that, and suddenly I feel claustrophobic and crowded into my shoes, like he must've felt all the time. And I need to resist the urge to kick them off and see them fly across the room. It never happened to me before, now it always does.
On my way to school, sitting in my brother's truck, when we pass the DX gas station, I tense up and look the other way as much as possible. Whoever is working that day suddenly looks just like him, and it's too painful to watch for long. But they don't have that grin that he had. If I could only see that grin one last time, I would smile and be myself again. But I am never going to see it again.
I got my driver's license about a month ago, and when I looked at my picture I saw what my brother had meant. I do look like him, a lot like him. So now I avoid looking at my license too. When I see a picture of him, it's the worst of all. And yet, it's the closest I have to seeing him again. I wish we'd taken more pictures.
I miss him every day of my life. Most of the time, I'm okay. I can deal with it, and I live my life like a normal person. With the big parts of my life, I'm fine. It's all the little things that force me to remember.
END