Warnings: semi-detailed descriptions of child sexual abuse
Notes: I left the name of the man undeclared because this is an outlet for my own experience with child sexual abuse. If you are a CSA survivor, proceed with caution.
Summary: A spin-off on my fic "Mama Tiger and Her Cubs." Stef finds Callie in her room crying one night.
Stef and Lena talk about their day as they prepare for bed. Most of it is Lena going on about how Drew is trying to sabotage her job while Stef pitches in once in a while with reassurances or advice.
"I mean, this man just waltzes into the school that I founded and acts like he's the hero," Lena vents animatedly, arms waving about from her spot on the bed.
Stef hums in acknowledgement as she pulls her shirt on over her head, pulling her hair out that was tucked underneath. "I completely agree with you, love." She feels like she's said this a million times ever since Drew started working at Anchor Beach. "You deserve a lot more credit than what you're getting." She crawls onto the bed and kneels besides her wife. "That school wouldn't exist without your help," she murmurs, sounding almost flirty as she kisses Lena's cheek.
As per routine, Stef then gets up and makes her way out of the room to do bedtime checks on her kids. It's something she started doing right after her, Brandon, and Lena moved in all those years ago, when the little boy was having trouble sleeping. Now, she does it every night before going to sleep. Lena never stops her and instead, watches her walk off with a fond smile and makes herself comfortable under the blankets, grabbing her book from the nightstand.
Stef begins with Brandon. She cracks open the door carefully and pokes her head in to see if her son is sleeping. Brandon is laying on his bed over the covers, his headphones still on from listening to music to help him sleep. Stef quietly steps into the room and removes the headphones, placing them on the nightstand along with his phone. She kisses his forehead and makes her way out of the room, closing the door.
Next up is Jesus and Jude. Approaching the door, Stef is pleasantly surprised to not be hearing gunshots from a video game. She opens the door and immediately catches wind on Jesus' snoring. She wonders how Jude is able to get any sleep during the nights. She walks into the cramped room and kisses both of her sons on their foreheads, watching with fond as Jesus huffs and turns over in his bed. She fixes the blanket so it is covering him and leaves the room.
When Stef reaches the door to Callie and Mariana's room, she's alarmed at the sniffles she can hear through the closed door. And they're not stuffy nose sniffles. They're sniffles from crying. She knows it's Callie because Mariana is at a sleepover at a friend's house.
The mother raps her knuckles on the door a few times before opening it, alerting Callie of her presence.
"Callie?" The sniffles stop immediately when she hears her mom's voice. "Are you alright, my love?" Callie almost scoffs but decides a much more respectful route of answering.
"Yeah," she croaks, knowing that her mom will see through the lie anyway so not even bothering to try.
Stef's heart clenches at how sad her daughter sounds. "That's not the truth." She walks to Callie's bed and sits down at the edge, placing a hand on her daughter's knee. "What's wrong, babe? Hm?"
Sobs threaten to force their way out of Callie at this question. How does she tell her mom she's crying over something that happens years ago, even before foster care? How does she tell her that Liam was not the first person to ever violate her? Her breath hitches and she tightens her grip on the blanket she's clutching onto.
The mother sighs sympathetically and pats Callie's knee a couple of times. "Can you look at me?" she asks softly, her blue eyes shimmering in concern for her daughter. Her heart clenches when Callie's brown eyes meet hers, puffy and red and filled with tears.
"You know you can tell me anything, right?" she coaxes, smiling as she receives a small nod in response. She helps Callie as she sits up, wrapping her arm around her daughter's shoulders.
Callie takes a few moments to collect her thoughts and calm her breathing down, thankful for how patient her mom is being rather than pushing her for a response. "It's dumb," she whispers, her voice still managing to sound emotionless yet not hostile.
Stef shakes her head immediately. "It's not dumb," she protests firmly yet lovingly. "Not if it's got you like this." Her voice softens to a degree that's unexplainable in its love and honesty.
Callie wraps her arms around herself and closes her eyes, preventing anymore tears from falling. "It is dumb because it happened before I even went into foster care."
Stef shrugs and tries a more nonchalant approach with her response. "So? Mariana and Jesus still battle with their past, and they were adopted before you even went into the system."
Callie shakes her head. She sees what her mother is trying to do, but it doesn't make sense. She opens her eyes and looks up at Stef. "That's different."
Not being able to argue with that, Stef nods, but doesn't let up. "It is," she agrees, watching for Callie's response. "But my point is they battle with things that happened years ago, too."
Callie sniffles and rubs her nose, which catches her mother's attention who decides not to comment on it. "It started a couple of years before my mom died." Her voice cracks on the last word but she continues her story, moving her eyes back to her lap. "My mom worked as well as Donald, so they decided that Jude and I needed a babysitter. They chose the parents of two kids that I was friends with because we trusted them." She scoffs at that and shakes her head. And look at where that got you.
Feeling the anger beginning to bubble up, she takes a deep breath to calm herself before she blows up on her mother, who is sitting silently as she listens to her daughter. "Now, I'm not sure if it started after they began babysitting me, or a little bit before, but the father.. He-" Callie stops there, now noticing how much she's shaking. She's never told anyone this story. Not even her birth mom.
Stef wraps her other arm around Callie protectively, her stomach churning at the thought of where she is sure this story is going. She catches onto the anxiety radiating from the teenager and understands what's going on. She's probably the first person to ever hear this story.
"He um...started doing things to me," the brunette squeaks out, closing her eyes as memories start to flood her mind. She feels like she wants to punch something as hard as she can.
Stef's stomach drops at the confirmation of her greatest fear from her daughter. At the same time, her eyes gloss over in anger. Anger for the man who hurt her daughter, who thought it was alright to hurt a child. Nevertheless, she stays quiet, knowing that Callie won't finish if she's interrupted.
"I-It wasn't as bad as Liam," Callie says quickly in an attempt to ease whatever worries her mother may have. "Wasn't violent or…" she trails off, not wanting to say the one thing that makes her feel so ashamed about everything.
Of course, all abuse is bad, but Stef lets out a sigh of relief of knowing that it wasn't as violent, letting herself be momentarily relieved before catching onto the abrupt stop to Callie's sentence. "Or what, baby?" she hums, moving some of Callie's hair out of her face with the gentlest touch.
More tears pour from Callie's eyes and she wipes them away, only for them to be replaced by new ones. "Or...as forceful.." Her voice is so quiet that Stef barely hears what she's saying, but she hears it. "I never said no, never tried to fight him off. I went along with it and let it happen," she elaborates, her voice growing louder. "What was wrong with me?!" she practically yells as she tries to get away from her mother, who's not having any of this.
Stef keeps her firm grip on Callie until the girl stops fighting and goes somewhat limp in her arms. "My love, you were a child." Her voice drops down an octave on 'child.' "He was a grown man. No matter what, he was in the wrong for targeting you in the first place." Her own eyes well with tears at the images that pop up in her mind, quickly shaking her head to be rid of them.
Callie nods and sighs tiredly, rubbing her eyes. Stef in turn moves to cover her daughter with the blanket more and hold her closer. "I get that, but it still felt weird and my gut back then was telling me something wasn't right. When you're a kid and something doesn't feel right, you try to get away from it or not let it happen anymore. I still let it happen." She moves her arms so they're wrapped around Stef's waist, holding onto her like a lifeline.
The blonde feels her heart shatter at the words her daughter is saying. Suddenly, everything makes a little bit more sense; why Callie follows her intuition without taking time to listen to alternatives. The last time she didn't, it got her hurt and she still carries that blame with her like a hovering storm cloud.
"None of that matters," Stef tells her, her voice strong and confident. "You were a child. He shouldn't have done any of that to begin with."
Callie's answer comes in the form of a sniffle and a nod, not being able to respond verbally.
After a few moments of silence, Stef hears her daughter speak up once more. "It..It wasn't that-"
"No," the mother interrupts in a hard voice before Callie can finish. "Don't say it wasn't that bad. Child abuse carries a certain level of permanent damage that abuse as a teen or adult doesn't," she explains, momentarily going into cop-mode. She stops herself before she scares Callie off with the depressing information.
The teen shrugs in response, not really believing her mother's words. "But it's true. It was just oral stuff. Me on the receiving end," she adds on quickly when she feels her mother tense up. "It wasn't anything more." She lifts her head up when after a few moments, her mother is still tensed up. She's not that surprised when she sees her mom staring into outer space, eyes blazing and jaw set.
"Mom..?" she whispers, trying to get her mother's attention away from whatever she's thinking about. Stef turns her gaze back down to her daughter and her eyes immediately soften at the tears she sees; the look on Callie's face. She needs her. She can't be holed up in her anger right now.
"That doesn't matter. Abuse is abuse." When Callie opens her mouth to argue, Stef thinks of a way to make Callie understand. "Think of it like this.." Callie's mouth snaps shut. She's listening. "A broken arm may require a bit more time to heal than a sprained wrist, but they're both injuries that need time to heal."
Callie's gaze shifts to her lap as she contemplates her mother's words. She is right on one thing, but.. "That's exactly it, though," she argues, not looking up at Stef. "If you get a sprained wrist, you don't get a whole cast that people flock to to sign. You get something a bit less that people don't worry about as much because it's not as bad."
"Still," Stef persists, unwilling to let her daughter think that she's not that important because of how "mild" her abuse was. "They both require time to heal, yes?"
Sensing that her mother is not about to let this go, Callie gives up and just nods in agreement. "Okay. Yeah." She's not denying she went through trauma. She just can't comprehend how it's just as valid as if it were much, much worse. She goes to rub her eyes, surprised to feel moisture. She's still crying? Well, she can't be too shocked.
A quiet sniffle catches Stef's attention. She notices the small tear that drips off Callie's chin and tuts, holding her closer. "Shh. You're alright, my love. I've got you." They sit in silence for a minute before Stef asks a risky question. "Did you ever tell your mom?" She has a pretty good idea of what the answer is, but she needs confirmation.
Callie shakes her head and squeezes her eyes shut, taking a shuddering breath. "No," she breathes, sniffling. "No..I was going to. I was gonna tell her when she got back from her date that night, 'cause I didn't wanna ruin it." She becomes more hysterical as she speaks, shrugging as she says the last bit as if it was obvious- which- considering it's Callie, it kind of is.
How many times can one heart break? Doesn't matter. Stef feels a shard of her broken heart cut through her. Callie breaks down into soft cries, holding onto her mother tighter.
"If I had let me think of myself for once, she'd still be alive!" she wails through her tears, and Stef can hardly take it. It's always hard to see your own child in pain. Watching them blame themselves for someone's death is so much worse.
The mother, now openly crying, can't find the ability to speak over the lump in her throat and instead, just kisses the top of her daughter's head. She can't imagine the pain her daughter is going through. When Frank died, Stef held some guilt over her last words to him being hostile, but she's never thought that if she said something different, that he'd still be alive today.
When Callie's cries quiet to small sniffles, Stef shifts so Callie looks at her as she speaks. "Hey, love," she coos, brushing some curly locks out of her daughter's face and wiping away tears. "Do you feel better?" Her voice remains soft and motherly, quiet as a hummingbird. She receives a nod in response and smiles. "Good. I was thinking- do you think you'd want to sleep with me and Mama tonight?"
Callie lifts her head and skims her eyes around the very pink, very much Mariana's room. If she stays here, she'll probably be plagued with loneliness and more thoughts of him. If she spends the night with her moms, she'll feel safe and loved, and he won't be able to get to her- in her dreams or anyway else. She nods again, looking back at her mother.
They stand up together, and Stef catches when Callie's eyes shift back to her bed, where her stuffed cat lays- the stuffed cat she got as an adoption day present. Stef grabs it and hands it to her daughter, who is shocked as she takes it and holds onto it tightly, making no attempt at arguing.
"Thank you," she whispers instead, fiddling with one of the cat's ears. This cat has brought her much comfort. She cuddles it when she needs a soft, quiet reminder that she's found her forever home; that she's never going away ever again because she has people that love her now. That she's safe.
Stef kisses Callie's temple and together, they make the short walk to the moms' room, where Lena is still awake and reading, propped up against her pillows. She glances up when she hears footsteps and puts her book down on the nightstand, all her attention on her daughter who's glued to her wife's side, eyes red and face blotchy.
"Hey, bug," Lena hums, using her favorite nickname for her eldest daughter. "What's up?" Her gaze automatically moves to Stef, her brown eyes concerned and loving.
"Callie here was having a rough night. Thought she could use some mom and mama cuddles." Stef keeps her voice cheery yet sincere as she talks. It was something serious but the topic has been prodded enough for the night, is what she is not saying verbally.
A small smile makes its way onto Lena's face. Callie's hopeful eyes bore into her soul, making it impossible to say no. "Climb on in, hon," she caxes, patting the spot right beside her. Stef gently nudges Callie who approaches the bed slowly and climbs in, immediately snuggling into her mama's open arms. Stef gets in on Callie's other side and wraps her arms around her, shielding her in a Mama Sandwich.
"You've got your cat," Lena comments, looking into the stuffed animal's bead eyes. Callie offers a meek nod in response. "Have you thought of a name for them?"
Callie's voice is soft and almost child-like as she answers, maybe a bit lost, too. "I don't know what to name her." She appreciates the distraction her mama is trying to provide for her. "Well," she counters, unsure of the idea she does have in mind. "I was kinda thinking maybe the feminine version of Jeffrey, the name of the judge that formalized my adoption?" she offers as if it was a suggestion in need of approval.
Both Lena and Stef smile, choosing not to comment on how absolutely adorable the idea is. "That's a great idea, Cal."
Callie shrugs, instinctively holding her cat tighter. "But I don't know of any names.."
Lena hums in thought, a bright twinkle in her eye. "What about a more feminine spelling of it?"
Callie shakes her head, smiling softly at the silliness of the suggestion. "But it's still the same name."
Stef pipes in, not really thinking of her answer. "I've heard that Justine is an option." Callie tenses up, her eyes glossing over in something akin to anger.
"No," she responds flatly, giving no more explanation and really- Stef should've thought that out more. Even Lena gives her a quick glare.
"Jennifer?" Stef offers quickly in an attempt to redeem herself. "Jenny for short?"
Callie's faces scrunches up in thought. A moment later, her smile returns as she moves her head to look at Stef. "That's actually a good idea." She looks at the stuffed cat in her arms and pets its artificial fur. "Jenny," she whispers, trying the name out. "I like it," she declares, grinning brightly.
She's suddenly flooded with worries that mama is upset with her choice to go with Stef's suggestion, worries that her mama thinks that she loves Stef more than her because she always goes for what she thinks. "I mean..unless you have another suggestion," she stammers, snapping her gaze up to Lena.
Quite the contrary, Lena thinks that Jenny is the perfect name for the cat. She shrugs and kisses Callie's forehead. "I actually quite like Jenny for a name." She did notice Callie's automatic agreement with Stef's suggestion but she's not hurt in the least bit. Callie's like the younger, brunette version of her wife.
Callie nods hesitantly and swallows the worries she has, her grin returning. "Okay. Jenny it is."
Lena and Stef smile at each other when Callie's not paying attention, glad that they were able to distract their distraught daughter and get her to focus on something a bit more wholesome.
After talking about the cat for a little while longer, which soon morphs into a heartfelt discussion on the feelings each of them felt on Callie's adoption day, the moms notice that the time between Callie's responses are getting longer and her voice is getting quieter.
"Alright," Stef says after a solid thirty seconds of silence from Callie. "Time to get some shut eye." Lena quickly agrees and of course, they get no response from their daughter, who is way too tired to speak anymore. The three of them get comfortable in the queen-sized bed and huddle up, the two moms forming a protective bubble for their daughter.
After exchanging 'goodnight's and 'love you's, Lena and Callie quickly fall asleep, both exhausted from their respective busy days. Stef lies awake for about another hour, mulling over ideas on how to catch this fucker that hurt her daughter. Eventually, she falls asleep as well, coming up empty on ideas. Maybe it's for the best, is her last thought before the darkness consumes her vision.