A/N: I don't own Glee, if I did Brittana would kiss and Brittany would actually have dialogue. I just threw this together today because I saw a post on Tumblr that inspired it...So apologies for grammar and spelling if there are errors. Enjoy!
She couldn't see straight through her tears. She kept reaching for the windshield wipers a split second before realizing that there was no rain. Everybody has secrets, she had told her. Santana shook her head to clear the cold and piercing voice of her abuela that tortuously echoed in through her mind, the piercing syllables bouncing off of one side of her brain just to go careening into the other. She had sounded so ashamed, so irrevocably embarrassed to have a lesbian for a granddaughter, like Santana had spit on her when she'd told her about Brittany.
Ten minutes after she had pulled out of her abuela's driveway-her hands moving sluggishly to shift into reverse and then drive-she found herself in Brittany's driveway. Santana hadn't even consciously made the decision to go to Brittany's, in all honesty, she'd rather have just gone home and curled up in a cocoon of blankets, unwilling to burden her girlfriend with her tears. But it had been a long time since Santana was in control of her own heart when it came to Brittany and, so, she shifted into Park and moved slowly out of the driver's seat and, half a minute later, to the Pierce's door.
Santana inhaled deeply before turning the handle and entering the house. Once inside, she leaned her back against the door, inhaling the familiar smell of Brittany's house. It smelled like Brittany-that vanilla and honey shampoo mixed with the fabric softener that Mrs. Pierce bought in bulk, it drove Santana crazy; and there was the left behind scent of burnt toast and a little bit of cinnamon, letting Santana know that her girlfriend was upstairs, probably sitting cross-legged on her floor, munching her toast with Lord Tubbington in her lap while she studied for the history test Santana knew Brittany had the next day. Santana smiled, picturing Lord Tubbington with bread crumbs in his fur, purring loudly as Brittany's delicate hands scratched behind his ears. She would never admit that she liked the cat, after all, he did hiss at her sometimes and once he even cornered her in Brittany's bathroom; but Santana did like to see Brittany smile, and hell if there was anything else in the world that made her girlfriend smile like that cat did.
Santana took a step forward, placing a hand on the wall to keep her balance as she slipped out of her leather boots. She ran her hand through her hair, straightened her rumpled black cardigan, and took a final deep breath before heading towards the stairs. Santana almost felt bad knowing that she was about to interrupt Brittany's study session, but the physical ache she felt to be in Brittany's arms, listening to her telling Santana that everything would work out somehow, won out and Santana climbed up the final steps.
As she reached the final step and made her way down the hall to Brittany's room, soft humming stopped her from entering immediately. Instead, she leaned against the door frame, observing the scene in front of her. As Santana had imagined, there was an empty plate on the floor, toast crumbs strewn about it, and an open history book next to it. Santana watched as her girlfriend moved around the bedroom, her limbs fluid in a way that only Brittany was, her hips rocking to the beat of her humming. Lord Tubbington sat on the end of Brittany's bed and she would occasionally bend down to scratch him on the head before resuming her steps.
A few minutes went by and Brittany remained back-to Santana. After weighing her next moves, Santana decided that she had intruded enough on Brittany's private moment and cleared her throat. Brittany whipped around, startling Lord Tubbington off of and under the bed. Brittany's arms snapped up into a defense position and Santana would have laughed if she'd had any emotional energy left in her, but she didn't so she just put her hands up in the air, as if in a conciliatory gesture, prompting Brittany to drop her own back down to her sides.
Santana watched as Brittany took in her disheveled clothes, puffy eyes and slumped posture. Brittany's eyes raked over her girlfriend, up and down, before coming to rest on Santana's own. Santana felt her expression soften when she met Brittany's bright, blue eyes. She could literally feel each wrinkle on her forehead smooth out and the creases around her eyes disappear. "Hi," Brittany finally said, her voice was so sweet and it reminded Santana of the way maple syrup squeezed out of it's bottle, slow and thick. And in the second it took her to register that analogy, Santana broke. A sob ripped it's way through Santana's throat and the tears that she had only just gotten under control came pouring down her cheeks more and more ferociously with each of her cries. Before Santana could even reach her hands up to bury her own face, Brittany was there, wrapping her dancer's arms around Santana's waist, her right hand coming up behind Santana's head to guide it closer into Brittany's neck.
"Shh," Brittany soothed, her right hand gently running through Santana's raven hair as her left rubbed circles at Santana's lower back. "I'm right here, San," Brittany whispered and Santana felt another waves of sobs rip through her, wracking her entire body with each eruption. After a minute or two, Brittany's hand reached down to join the other on at Santana's waist and she hoisted the smaller girl into her arms. Santana instinctively wrapped her legs around Brittany and her arms tightened their grip in blonde locks. Brittany carried her over to the bed, sitting herself down with Santana still in her arms before sliding them backwards so that she was leaning against the headboard, her girlfriend crying in her lap. Brittany stroked Santana's face, her hair, her arms, her back; every place she could reach just to let her girlfriend know that she was there.
Santana's body eventually went still as her sobs slowed, but she wasn't ready to pull her face out of Brittany's neck. She wasn't ready to vocalize the pain she was feeling, pain that she had never felt before. She squeezed her eyes shut as her abuela's words replayed in her mind. The overwhelming hurt that she felt at being disowned by the woman she had always looked up to the most send another wave of tears spilling from her eyes and Brittany's arms squeezed her closer. How could she even start to describe the way her chest clenched so tight every time she saw the disgust in her abuela's eyes? How could she tell Brittany that she felt like a dump truck had positioned itself squarely over her body, pinning her to the ground? That her biggest fears had come true and she was being punished for something so perfect and real as her love for Brittany?
Brittany stayed still, clutching Santana to her chest like she might dissolve right there in her arms if she were to loosen her grip at all. Her fingers danced through Santana's hair, down to her neck and over the cheek that Brittany could see, skating down her neck and coming to rest around Santana's shoulder for a minute before restarting it's course. They sat like this, quiet and understanding for a while, neither knew how long, except that it was dark now and Brittany knew her parents would be coming home soon. As if she could read her thoughts and wanted to get everything out before they were interrupted with calls for dinner and conversation with the rest of the Pierce family, Santana slowly removed her face from Brittany's skin, leaving a damp and slick spot at the nape of Brittany's neck.
Brittany pulled back to look her girlfriend in the eyes. Even though they were filled with worry and fear and hurt and anger, Brittany's breath still hitched at the sight of chocolate brown staring back at her. "Hi," Brittany said and placed a quick kiss on Santana's temple. Santana hummed and let out a heavy breath. Brittany knew well enough not to push Santana for information, that wasn't how she got her to open up. She knew she needed to let Santana decide to tell her everything on her own, and to be satisfied with what she could piece together on her own until Santana chose to let her in. And, since they were girlfriends now and they had made a promise to stay honest and open with each other, Brittany knew that Santana would, sooner or later. So, she said what she had been wanting to say since she saw Santana leaning against her door frame earlier in the afternoon.
"Your hair looks awesome," she said. "It shows your whole face but I can still smell your strawberry shampoo and run my hands through it." She pecked Santana on the nose. "Super cute."
Santana looked back up at Brittany and cracked a small smile. "Really, Britt?" She sniffed. "I'm a sobbing, snotty, disgusting mess in your lap and you're complimenting my hairstyle?"
Brittany's smile widened and she nodded. "It's just, Sue always makes us have our hair pulled back so tight and it gives me a headache and it probably gives you a headache, too, and I don't get to see your hair down as much now that we're Cheerios again, and it looks super good. And I like how some of it's pinned back and the rest just falls on your shoulders." She reached up and ran her fingers through a section of Santana's hair for emphasis and then tapped her nose. "You're the most adorable thing I've ever seen, always, but a girl likes to have something to grab on to once in a while, you know?"
At that, Santana burst out laughing and Brittany's heart fluttered at the sight. She pulled Santana closer, if that was even possible, and leaned her head back against the headboard, a contented smile spread across her face.
"I love you," Santana said, her voice muffled by Brittany's chest, but she heard it all the same.
"And I love you," Brittany answered and tilted Santana's chin up so that she could place a kiss on her pouted lips. She let her lips linger for a few seconds, still against Santana's, before she pushed a little harder and molded her mouth around Santana's bottom lip, deepening their kiss. When she needed to breathe, she pulled back and let her eyes remain closed. "I've been waiting to do that since you got here."
"Mmm," Santana hummed and leaned forward to place another chaste kiss on Brittany's mouth before burrowing herself back into the crook of Brittany's chest. "I know you probably want me to explain...this," she pointed to herself, "and I will, but right now I'm just so happy to be in your arms. It makes it all seem a little more bearable."
Brittany was quiet for a minute and Santana looked up to make sure she hadn't fallen asleep or something. Brittany turned to look at her, "Okay."
"Can you kiss me again?"
Brittany groaned and twisted her face up to act like she was repulsed by the thought. "Oh, I don't know, Santana. Do I have to?"
Santana let out a whine, not above begging to get Brittany to kiss her again, and clasped her hands together like a prayer. "Your kisses just make everything better, B."
Brittany laughed and then huffed, "Okay, I guess I can kiss you again, but only because you look so damn cute when you beg." She brought her hand to Santana's cheek and used the pads of her thumbs to dry the remaining wetness on it before placing a kiss there. She repeated the gesture and the kiss on Santana's other cheek, tilting her face a little to give herself more room, before pressing her lips full to Santana's. Santana sighed into Brittany's lips and then parted her own to bring Brittany's mouth deeper. Their tongues massaged one another slowly, velvet against velvet, never breaking their contact as Santana climbed to straddle Brittany's hips like a chair. Brittany pulled in a big breath and Santana took the opportunity to push her mouth against Brittany's even harder. Brittany hummed and Santana hoped that Brittany understood everything she was trying to communicate without words. And from the way Brittany pushed back into Santana, she guessed that she did.
Brittany was the first to break the kiss.
"My parents are gonna be home soon, and probably Molly."
"Okay," Santana said and kissed her again before pulling back completely. "Well, I should probably get this out while I'm having a moment of strength." Brittany nodded but didn't want to say anything, she'd rather Santana get everything out before interrupting. Santana took a deep breath and squeezed Brittany's hand. "I went and saw my abuela after school today and..." she paused, not sure if she could get this next part out without crying. Brittany reached to push a strand of Santana's hair behind her ear and used the back of her hand to stroke her cheek. "And...I told her...I told her I'm gay and that I love you." Brittany watched as Santana's eyes flickered with sadness and hurt and her heart ached in a way that it had been aching a lot lately. It wasn't pain so much as it was her body's inability to handle such love all at once. She, of course, wasn't happy about Santana's abuela. In fact, it just about broke her to see Santana so upset, and it angered her because it was things like this, ignorance like this, that had caused Santana to be so scared for people to know the truth in the first place. But, in spite of that, Brittany was beyond happy that Santana was finally opening herself up to her, talking to her and telling her about her feelings instead of shutting her out. It had been happening more and more lately and Brittany wished for it to never stop.
"I'm proud of you," Brittany whispered and Santana nodded.
"I know you are, and that's all I've ever wanted is for you to be proud of me."
"But you want you abuela to be proud of you, too."
Santana sniffed, "Yes, but if she can't be, then I guess I'd rather know that now so I can get started on getting over it."
Brittany sighed and pulled Santana close, there was a glimpse of those walls the Santana put up and she didn't want that.
"San, nobody would expect you to just get over it, she's your grandmother. It's okay to be upset."
Santana pulled back to search Brittany's face.
"Is it?"
Brittany laughed.
"Of course it is, Santana," Brittany stopped for a minute, giving herself a minute to formulate her words. She knew that she had all of Santana's attention and she really wanted to get everything she needed to say out in a way that San would understand it. "I love you, San, and I would do anything for you. Let me be the strong one for a little while, okay? Can you do that?" Santana nodded. "Good, because I want you to know that I'm always going to be here. Always, and that means that it's my job to take care of you when you need me to. You've been protecting me our whole lives and, god, I love that about you, so much...But I want to be able to take care of you, too." Brittany looked up to meet Santana's eyes and was happy to see that she was smiling. "So, if you're upset about your abuela, and you have every right to be, I want you to know that I will be here, every minute of every day, to hold you and kiss you and love you and take care of you."
Brittany's voice cracked at the end of her sentence and she swallowed.
"Okay," Santana said, her throat thick with more unshed tears. "How did I get so lucky?"
"I ask myself that every single day," Brittany said and leaned forward to kiss Santana.
Both girls sighed audibly when they saw headlights bounce along Brittany's bedroom walls and then disappear, only to be replaced with the closing of car doors. "Come on, San, let's go downstairs." Santana nodded and unwrapped herself from her girlfriend. She wiped her eyes and laughed when her fingers came away with mascara on them.
"I look like a raccoon," she whined.
"You're beautiful," Brittany answered, not missing a beat. She took Santana's hand and started to lead them downstairs, brow furrowing when she felt Santana stop behind her. She turned around and cocked her head, confused.
"Did you really mean all that, B?"
"Of course I did, you're hair looks awesome, I wouldn't lie about that." Brittany cracked a smile. Santana burst out laughing and swatted at Brittany's arm. "Come on," she tugged at Santana's hand, "I'm hungry."
Later that night, after Brittany's parents and sister had gone to bed, Santana lay awake in Brittany's arms, composing a text to her parents about how their studying ran late and she'd be sleeping at Britt's house and she loved them. Brittany had been quiet for a while, so Santana tossed her phone aside and propped herself up on her elbow to look at the blonde. "Whatcha thinking about?"
"Mmm, nothing," Brittany said, turning on her side and pulled Santana against her. "I like being the big spoon."
Santana laughed, "I know you do, and I'll allow it tonight because I'm in such a frail state of mind, I don't have the energy to fight you for it."
"I meant every word, you know," Brittany said, her voice just above a whisper. Santana scooted herself forward and placed a kiss on Brittany's jawline. Brittany's eyes fluttered closed and she kept them that way, content to let sleep take over. She smiled when she felt Santana's lips curl into a smile against the bare skin of her neck.
"I know," Santana finally said and Brittany wondered what she did to be so lucky.