Fantasizing

You know what the worst thing in the world is? Knowing you're in the wrong body.

Listen to this: I was built for adventure. Designed for danger. Then they make me this… this metal ball. I can blink and wave my handles around, that's about it.

Thing is, I'm a pro at pretty much everything. Karate, larate, jiu jitsu, kick-punching, belt-making… bedroom… Heh, that's right ladies, you know where to go for a good time. Rick is open for business. Get in line, I'll be right here…

Right here sitting like a damn bowling ball. That's exactly what I am.

Worst part is, sometimes I think I remember walking around, having arms and legs and a REAL body. And I try to remember what's real, but by the time I realize what's happening, I can just FEEL my legs moving, my feet on the ground, and my arms… swinging. And god damn, my hands. I can almost see them sometimes. They're flexible but strong, and each finger can move in all kinds of different ways. I can pick up anything, I can press buttons, carry things, grab things, push, pull, poke, punch, or just touch… And man, the way they MOVE! I can't get over it. I could just look at them all day.

Except I can't. Ever. They're not there, they don't exist, I'm just an artificial personality sphere. Sometimes it's all I can do to remember that. Sometimes I don't want to.

But it's so much worse when I let myself forget. When I get caught up in climbing a sheer cliff, hanging from vines, fighting off an army of monsters with my bare hands… Then suddenly I wake up and I'm HERE. And the most badass thing I can do is roll over.

Funny thing is, out of all the other spheres I've met, the Space Sphere's the only one who gets me. All he can talk about is space. Gets mighty annoying sometimes. But he knows where he's supposed to be, and he's got no way of getting there. He's stuck almost as bad as me. The Fact Sphere – Man, I don't even know about him. Who knows what he's thinking, I don't understand half the junk that comes out of his mouth.

…Which he doesn't have. None of us have mouths.

One day I saw a sphere outside. Just going by on… on a management rail. Damn, THAT sure would feel good. At least I'd be moving. I'm not the kind of guy to beg, but I couldn't help myself. I had to yell out to him and ask if he could give me a hand.

He was kind of a jerk, though. Actually, I take that back, he was a monumental asshole. I was nice as could be, just asked if he could help me out, and he had the nerve to say I BELONGED in the trash, that I was corrupted, that he couldn't do anything for me, and he wouldn't even if he could.

I nearly beat the glass down trying to get at him. I would've strangled him, beat him to a bloody pulp. He's SO lucky that glass was built strong, because I pounded on it so hard my fists started to bleed –

…No they didn't. No. Because I don't have any fists. I know that. Not like I can forget.

But if I DID, I'd break down this wall, I wouldn't give a damn if I broke every bone in my body doing it, because I'd be OUT. Then I'd grab Space and high-tail it out of here. I don't know the way, but that's half the adventure. We'd duck and weave and run down the halls and climb all over this place, and it'd be a hell of a trip, but finally we'd get out into the SUN. I can almost feel how warm it is. Then there'd be mountains and jungles and all kinds of vicious animals. And people. Cities and towns and roads full of them, and… And I'd be a lone warrior, going anywhere I wanted, fighting off anybody I came across. I like that.

Space wouldn't be any good at fighting. He'd have fun for a while with all the new things, but he'd go back to wanting to be in space before long. So I'd grab on and swing him around and THROW him so hard he flew all the way –

No, humans can't…

No.

I'm not…

Was I…

COULD I have been human? Before this? I remember waking up in a lab, with all kinds of scientists. But before that? Is that stupid? Is it even possible?

Of course it's not. I'm a damn metal ball, that's what I've always been. God, I hate it. Makes me want to kick something.

Except I can't. God damn it.

I can't take this anymore. All those goddamn BORING facts that I KNOW aren't right, and space-space-space, over and over, it never stops. Know what I'd like? A girl – no, a woman. A beautiful lady. Shit, I don't care what she looks like, she'd have to be gorgeous compared to what I'm stuck staring at all day. No, what I need's a feminine touch in my life. If you get my drift.

Yeah, you get what I'm saying.

I'd sweep her off her feet right off the bat, because she's NEVER met this much man packed into one guy. She'd probably be in trouble, and when I saved her she'd be grateful. REAL grateful. I'd carry her all the way to the top of the highest mountain, then have her hang on while I climbed up the tallest tree up there, and there we'd be, on top of the world. I bet we could see everything from up there. And that's where I'd kiss her. Take her breath away, make her want me so bad she couldn't stand it.

We'd have to climb down to do any more, I guess, and all the way she'd be talkin' in my ear and I'd feel her warm breath.

I don't need to tell you what we'd do at the bottom of the tree. Nah, I'll leave that up to your imagination. But let me just tell you, there's no way you can imagine all the things I'd do with that lady, and she'd have a few tricks up her sleeve too. We'd smell and touch and TASTE, and it would just blow my mind, and oh man, the TEXTURES…

Then when we finished eating, I'd sure like to take a shower. I can't remember the last time I did, and she'd be there just rubbing soap all over me, and I'd rub it on her… You know, she'd be softer than me, and I'd just want to hold onto that forever.

And DAMN, would it feel good to be clean.

And then, turns out she's quite the little adventurer herself. Goes all over exploring lost temples and saving entire civilizations from certain doom. We'd set off traveling the world, fighting off threats to humanity and discovering ruined castles nobody's seen in centuries and… and…

God, I'm never getting out of this hell-hole. I'm stuck in here forever, and I can't even wait to die, because I CAN'T die. There aren't any women in here, and if there were, I'm a fucking robot-ball. I can't climb or run, I can't even walk. I can't smell or taste anything, and I can kinda feel, but I damn well can't touch a thing. I can't get wet, or I'll short out.

I'll never explore, I'll never travel or fight or find anything, I'll never be able to do more than roll around. …Not even that, I'm wedged in here with all these other spheres. I dare you to name ONE damn thing that could be worse than this. You can't. Don't even try, because there's NOTHING worse.

It makes me wanna spit.

But I can't do that either.