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"Why hello there!" The unidentified man said brightly, raising his hand in a wave
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"Not a very talkative bunch eh?" He chuckled to himself. "But it's no matter, I talk to myself all the time. This can't be too different. And yes, I'm talking to YOU dear reader."
"Now you may be wondering what the fuck this is all about. Let's just say I'm bored outta my mind and I want to just do something stupid." He smirked before raising a glass of mead that appeared out of nowhere. "What? Long as I write here I can do whatever I want…speaking of. See that woman over there on that bed?" He points over to the side where a bed appears complete with one Jaimie Alexander who appears to be in the process of taking off her armor. "Yeah, that's the actress from the Thor movies who plays Lady Sif. Screw Emma Watson…I'd give up my left nut to sleep with this one."
"Shut up and get over here." She commanded, her finger curled in a 'come hither' motion, a sultry smile on her lips.
"Coming!" He grins back before turning forward again, the bed and the woman in it disappearing without a trace. "Yeah, the possibilities are endless in the written world. Lady Sif is going to have to wait though since I'm not too desperate as to write a story where I imagine myself having sex with a fictional character." His voice drops to a whisper. "50 shades of grey anyone?" He pauses for a moment. "Although…that train wreck did make a profit off of horny men and women…and twilight fans (yes, I count you folks as a different group of humans. Bite me)…so kudos to that."
"So…" He flops down onto an armchair that appears behind him, a lit cigarette on his lips from which he takes a long drag before exhaling. "Let's talk about some of the weird shit we see in this wonderful world we call fanfiction eh? Let's see now…exhibit one…" He freezes. "Fuck! No, I'm not going to show you what it looks like. My bad…I'm not that cruel." He makes a disgusted face before sighing.
"What I am talking about are the fanfiction that have been written containing slash. I know we have ALL had the privilege or the horror of walking into those stories. I know I spent a week or two trying to find a good story to read that crossed over the two worlds of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Dear lord you people who write these have a fetish for homoerotic elvin relationships…" He shakes his head. "Back on point! Let me clarify this though…slash is not something I've ever been bothered by EXCEPT…" He pauses, his eye twitching slightly. "Except for the thing that is known as 'mpreg'."
"Yep…male impregnation. You've heard that right and it's EXACTLY what you think." He rubs his temples slowly. "Look…why? WHY is this a thing? WHO writes this? Do you even know the nightmares I had after I first saw this on some weird story? What went on in your mind when you dreamt up this shit? Do…do women write this stuff?" He asks with an incredulous look on his face. "Because I can't imagine a single sane male who would think of this. Even if they're gay."
"Ah…just had to get that off my chest." His smile's back. "Well? I feel like we've on just breached the tip of the iceberg of the world that is the weridness of fanfiction buuuut I'm a bit bored now. Plus I got my Lady Si-errrr I mean my totally real, gorgeous and...did I say real? Girlfriend waiting on me. So toodles for now ya bunch of weirdos." He raises his arm in a wave as the world dims around him.
The last thing that can be heard is the sound of a metal breastblate clanging onto the floor.
"Heh…Thor has no idea what he is passing up by dating that lowly Earth chick Jane Foster."
YES. I HAVE FINALLY CRACKED. OR I'M JUST DRUNK RIGHT NOW. MAYBE BOTH.
definitely both.
Review if yeh have ideas on what else to expand upon in this wonderful world of Harry Potter fandom.