I used to be Victoria

by Unicorn of death

Victoria is getting sick of, well, being Victoria. You may not think it at first, but it really is a MarVex fanfiction. Also contains some XigDem like literally everything I write and swearing and so on.

I used to be Victoria

Warnings: Some swearing, sex references, brief mentions of drugs and alcohol but nothing major

Disclaimer: For people who cannot read my username, I'm a fucking unicorn. They don't sell copyrights to unicorns. It's racism, I tell you. Blatant racism.

xxx

"Victoria, please, will you just –"

"I'M NOT VICTORIA!"

Demyx watched, silent and terrified, as Victoria slapped their mother across the face. Both mother and daughter were sobbing now, the small blonde girl hurriedly tugging her brother's trousers on again, and the woman still clutching a pink dress.

"You have to wear girl clothes, Victoria, you're a girl," sobbed their mother, as Demyx shuffled into the living room.

"It's fine, Mommy. I don't mind if Vic wears my clothes." Demyx put a protective arm around his younger sister's shaking shoulders. "What time are we leaving for school?"

"Demyx, your sister cannot leave the house dressed like a boy. People will talk." Their mother stood up and thrust the dress into Victoria's arms. Victoria glared at her, hatred brewing up a storm in her venom-green eyes. It wasn't right, her mother thought, it wasn't healthy for a little girl to be able to look like that. It wasn't right that she wanted to dress like her brother, either. "I expect you to put that on, Victoria, and to do it now. Or else... or else you won't see your father at the weekend. Either of you."

Demyx tilted his chin up defiantly. "Good! I didn't wanna see Dad anyway! C'mon, Vic, we're walking to school. Leave the dress behind."

Victoria dropped the dress on the floor and and followed her brother, ignoring the desperate sobs that started to fill the room as their mother collapsed into a chair and wondered what she could possibly have done wrong. Was it the divorce? Did she coddle Victoria too much? Or not enough? Or was it some outside force? Maybe it was her father's fault. Yes, that was probably it... it was usually his fault, in one way or another...

xxx

"Hello, Vic." Marluxia kicked Larxene, who made an odd whining noise but moved to make space for Victoria. "How are you?"

She swallowed. Someone – probably Demyx – had told her that she should be Marluxia's girlfriend, and she really liked that idea. Although she hated the "girl" part of "girlfriend". "I'm okay," she said quietly, hitching her – well, her brother's – trousers up again because they were too large for her. Without a word or a second thought, Larxene removed her own belt – don't need it anyway, stupid black thing, why does Mom keep buying me black clothes? I like pink – and handed it to Victoria. "Are you sure? You look sad, Vic."

One of the things that Victoria loved about Marluxia and Larxene was that they didn't call her Victoria. She hated being called Victoria. She also hated being referred to as a girl, and a she, but Mommy had told her enough times that she was a girl, and she should act like it.

"My mom wanted me to wear a dress this morning." Victoria looked down at Demyx's shoes. She had needed three pairs of socks to make them stay on her feet, but anything was better than the shiny black monstrosities with the pink flower on the side that her mother had chosen. "I hit her."

"You hit your mom? C'mon, Vic, you know you shouldn't hit people." Larxene was more of a mother than Victoria's own, really. In the next few years, Victoria would come to the sad but true conclusion that she didn't love the controlling, self-absorbed, shrill lady who had raised her, and that she much preferred Larxene, who was, despite her reputation, warm and caring, at least to her. "Was your brother around? Didn't he stick up for you?"

"He wasn't there 'til after I hit Mom. But yeah, he walked to school with me, and said that I could wear his clothes if I wanted to."

Marluxia put an arm around Victoria and hugged her to his side. "Poor Vic," he said warmly, and Victoria smiled. "It's not your fault. Don't tell Vic off, Larxene, she was just scared."

"She," Victoria parroted quietly, and Marluxia frowned. He still wasn't sure whether Victoria was really a girl. He didn't really care, either. He just wanted his best friend to be happy, and if that meant wearing boy clothes and using the boy's toilets and being called Vic, well, who cared?

"Well, she can't just hit people, even if sh- even if Vic is scared." Larxene had just received a pointed look from Marluxia as if to say avoid pronouns at all costs. "You know, Vic, I like your shirt."

"It's my brother's," Victoria admitted, realising that Marluxia still had his arm across her shoulders. "It looks good on you," Marluxia said. Victoria blushed, something that Larxene saw but Marluxia didn't, and Larxene began wondering whether Victoria had a crush on Marluxia. At the age of six, it wasn't something that any of them thought about or discussed very much, but Larxene was always a little more advanced than the rest of them.

"Okay, everybody, settle down, I need to take the register." The kids settled down, Marluxia finally choosing to remove his arm from Victoria's shoulders, and sat cross-legged and attentive on the brightly coloured carpet. It was only the second week of term, and the teacher was still learning all of their names, which kids were good and which weren't, and exactly who was smart enough to worm their way out of work. (Marluxia was one of these kids. He may not have known quite why, but he knew that whatever the task, Victoria was usually willing to do it for him. He always felt bad about it afterwards, and informed Larxene that he was going to do his own work from now on, but then another unappetising worksheet or essay would be set and he would find himself smiling nicely at his best friend and asking if Victoria wouldn't mind giving him a hand with a question or two.)

"Larxene?"

"Here."

"Here what?"

A dramatic sigh and icy glare. "Here Miss."

"Marluxia?"

"Yes, Miss."

As the register went on, Marluxia started absently plaiting Victoria's hair. If given her own way, she would have it short, shorter than Demyx's, as short as it could be, but her mother had forbidden her to have it cut. She didn't mind, anyway, when she was sitting next to Marluxia, whose long hair was pink but who was definitely a boy.

"Ventus?"

"Yes, Miss."

"Victoria?"

Victoria flinched. "Yes, Miss."

"Um, Miss?" Marluxia still his hand up in the air, using his other to hold Victoria's half-plaited hair in place. "Victoria prefers to be called Vic."

In the past seven schooldays, Marluxia had said that at seven morning registrations, seven afternoon registrations, and countless other times in between, but the idiot teacher paid no attention. She just coughed and moved onto Xaldin, then Yuffie, then Zexion.

"Idiot," Larxene muttered, eyeing the teacher with obvious distaste. "Honestly."

"Don't worry about it," Victoria replied, looking at Marluxia who was still plaiting her hair.

He smiled at her. "We just want you to be happy, Vic."

xxx

"Vix? Vix, where are you, I need to tell you someth – oh." Demyx hurriedly closed the door that he had just opened, closing his eyes tightly as well. "Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry..."
"Ugh, Demyx! Can't you knock?" Victoria (who hadn't been called Victoria since she was eight) pulled a shirt on and tore the door open. "What d'you want?"

He looked sheepishly at the floor. "Sorry, Vix. I just... well, there's a new kid in my class... he's called Xigbar... and, um, I've agreed to show him around and everything, you know..."

"And why are you telling me this?" Vix asked coldly, adjusting her shirt. She was starting to get sick of her older brother. She was twelve, so really, she was sick of a lot of things.

"Because, I, I... I like him." He took a deep breath. "I'm gay."

"No shit!" Vix sighed. "Can I go back into my room now?"

"Didn't... didn't you hear me?" Demyx frowned. "I'm gay, Vix. You know, as in –"

"As in you're a guy who likes guys. I get it. It was kind of obvious. Marluxia's gay too." Vix bit her lip. She wasn't really certain that Marluxia was gay; it was just something that everyone was talking about. It was one of the many, many reasons she was impatient for her, um, you know to hurry up and grow. Usually, of course, you were born with one, but she was sure that it was going to show up soon. And if not, well, she'd buy one or something.

"Really? Huh. So he's not gonna fall for you."

Vix's face slowly became more and more furious as her older brother realised what he'd said. "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"

"I'm not even in your room," Demyx whimpered, standing right at the doorway of Vix's tiny bedroom.

"GET OUT!" Vix screamed, shoving Demyx forcefully away from her room. "AND STAY OUT!"

She hated yelling, not least because that was when she sounded the girliest.

Demyx took a deep breath and stared at his sister's now-closed door. For a full minute he swayed slightly on the spot, and then, slowly, he drew his phone from his pocket. "Hey, um, Xemnas? Did you say you had a transsexual uncle? Only, I was just wondering..."

On the inside of Vix's room, she was fighting not to cry. She stood in front of the mirror and peeled her shirt off again. It was actually a guy's shirt, one of many male garments that Larxene had bought for her last birthday, along with some protein powder that was meant to help muscle growth and a book about some gay dude and a donkey, which Vix had yet to read and which Larxene apparently only bought "because the cover was shiny".

Her chest was weird. Starting to swell up a little. And her nipples kinda hurt. Oh, God, she wasn't growing boobs, was she? That would be awful, just awful. She could hide them somehow... squish them down with a really tight scarf or something...

She decided to put her shirt back on and check her email.

Inbox (10)

The small smile on her face dissolved as she realised that eight of those messages were spam and one was from Zexion asking about the Chemistry homework... but that tenth one. The tenth one was from Marluxia.

Hey Vixen,

So I was thinking the other day. Well, I've been thinking this for years now. You're twelve, right? And I was just thinking, you've never had a crush. Or if you have, you've never told me or Larx. Is it just that you're not interested in people, or is there something you're not telling us? Don't worry about it, you know we'll love you whatever happens.

~Marly x

PS Unless you cut your hair. Don't cut your hair, I like plaiting it.

PPS I didn't really mean that. We'll still love you, even if you cut your hair.

PPPS Please don't cut your hair though. I love it.

Vix smiled and hovered the mouse over the "Reply" button. Like she'd cut her hair anyway; her mother would go ballistic. She was already upset that Vix constantly wore boy's clothes, had an usually masculine voice, and wouldn't even begin to talk about periods or bras or any of the things a girl that age should be asking her mother. In fact, whenever she did come home from work – and that wasn't often any more – she would always spend hours yelling at Vix about her choice of friends, her choice of clothing, everything that she did was wrong in some way or another.

Hey,

Don't worry, I've had a crush or two, I just didn't wanna tell you two because I was scared that you'd make fun of me. Have you? Cause you never mentioned it to me. And thanks for that, I love you guys too. You're the best friends I've ever had. Thanks for always being there for me.

Vix :)

PS I promise I won't cut my hair if you promise that you won't cut yours. I love your hair. It's the only shade of pink I don't hate, actually.

She sighed, sent the email, and got to her feet, looking in the mirror. It felt wrong, to be looking in the mirror at the weird lumps beginning to lurk menacingly beneath her shirt, to know that there was a gaping hole in her underwear where something entirely different was meant to be. Fighting back tears, she shifted her attention to her face. Her cheekbones almost stuck out of her skin, casting shadows over her face. She knew she was too thin. Her wrists resembled the branches of the half-dead tree outside her window, and Marluxia and Larxene often told her that she was too thin, but it wasn't her fault. Neither she nor Demyx knew how to cook properly, and more often than not Demyx was hanging out at his friends' houses anyway, so the most food she ate was when she was at her dad's house on the weekends, and she was starting to skip those visits in favour of pizza and facials with Larxene and Marluxia.

Anyway, being thin wasn't terrible. Thin people didn't have to worry about growing boobs either.

Me again!

You know, Vixen, I've been doing a little more thinking. How come Larx and I have never met your parents? We've met your brother plenty of times, he tags along on shopping trips and stuff (which I really don't mind because his wallet is considerably heavier than mine and he's rather generous) and I've seen the bracelet that your dad bought you, so I believe that he's real, but your mom? Never even heard of her. Is everything okay?

~Marly

PS And my hair isn't nearly as lovely as yours, Vix.

She rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help but smile.

If you must know, my mother works constantly and my dad is the "fun" parent, but only because I only see him at weekends and he's trying to outdo his ex-wife, you know, my mother. He buys me and Dem loads of shit we don't need and then Mom flips because she thinks he's spoiling us. But anyway. Not interesting. So come on, who's your crush? You know you wanna tell me.

Vixen

PS Hehe, yeah right, my hair's just... weird. But whatever.

She took a deep breath. Nothing compared to talking to Marluxia. Something about it seemed... right.

"Vix? Vix, can I come in?"

"Sure, whatever."

Demyx pushed open the door, holding what looked suspiciously like a can of beer in one hand. At fifteen and eleven months, Demyx shouldn't have been drinking, and he'd never been drunk, exactly, but it helped him to cope with the lack of parents and volatile younger sibling.

"I need to talk to you about something really important." He sat down on Vix's bed, nudging a pair of boxers onto the floor. "I was talking to my friend Xemnas –"

"Marluxia said they're a bad crowd. Xemnas and Saïx and them. Apparently they do drugs." Vix wasn't judging Demyx and they both knew it – she was simply delivering the facts.

"A couple of them do. Most of them are nice, though. Lexaeus keeps hitting on me." Demyx tapped his foot on the floor. "Anyway. I was talking to Xemnas about you –"

"Not cool, I don't talk to my friends about you."

Demyx sighed. "Vix, this is important. He and I were talking, and we think that you might be trans."

"Trans?" Vix repeated, cocking her head to the side and discreetly closing her email, intrigued.

"Trans," Demyx confirmed. "It's where you're born female but you want to be male, or vice versa. Loads of people are like that, and it's totally natural."

Vix blinked. "You think I'm... I'm..."

"Well, think about it. Have you ever felt like you're living in the totally wrong body? Like there's something physically wrong with you? Do you look at yourself and feel disgusted that you're you?"

He flinched under the icy glare that his sister gave him, but let her speak. "I... I... why were you discussing that with the creep who gets high all the time and is probably sleeping with Saïx?"

"He doesn't get high all the time –"

"I don't care! Why were you talking to him – talking to anybody – about the fact that I was born the wrong sex? I don't want people to know! I don't want them to care! I just want them to love me for me, whether or not I have a... have a... ugh! Why won't you just leave me alone? Why can't you be a normal big brother and stop caring about me?"

Demyx sighed. "Look, Vix, there's nothing wrong with –"

"There's everything wrong with it! It's awful! I hate being a girl! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" Vix jumped from her chair and ran out of the room, deaf to her brother's broken reassurances about hormone therapy and surgery and it'll be okay.

xxx

"Yo, Vexen! Pass us another beer, bro?"

Vexen sighed heavily. Fifteen and already drinking, just like Demyx. Demyx was actually a very successful person at the moment, though Vexen didn't like to admit it very often. He shared a flat with Xigbar – who he'd asked out after a whole agonising year of "I don't even think he's gay," while everyone else was pulling at their hair and screaming "Clearly he is because he's drooling all over you!" – and was doing something relating to music at a rather cheap university.

"Here." Vexen planted a beer on the table in front of Luxord. "You think Marluxia's gonna show?"

There was a collective smirk all around the table and Larxene broke first, giggling. "He's gone to buy you a present, Vex."

Over the past year or so, Vix and Vex had somehow become one and the same, and Marluxia's pet name, Vixen, had, logically, become Vexen. Now Vix, Vex, Vixen and Vexen were all interchangeable, with Vexen being the most used of the four. Most people had been bullied into calling Vexen "he" by Demyx and Larxene (who had some sort of love/hate thing going on that nobody really understood) and things were, well, okay.

"What? Why?"

Luxord grinned. "I would guess that it's cus he fancies you, mate. You do swing that way, right? He'll be disappointed if you don't, you know."

Vexen found himself blushing. "Um... well..."

"Swing which way, exactly? Because I can't really tell which way you'd have to swing for Marluxia. He's a fucking girl."

There was a slight pause as Hayner began to understand what he had just said. Then Larxene said, rather sharply, "Give Hayner another beer so he shuts the fuck up."

Vexen shook his head. "No, it's okay, you guys, really. I'm not gonna be sensitive about it or anything."

Most people on the street would be certain that Vexen was male. His hair was a little too long, of course, but his chest was flat, his face was sharp, and his voice was deep. In reality, the flat chest was the result of a rather expensive binder thing that Demyx had got him for Christmas, presented with a hug and "I told you it'd be okay", the sharp face was from constant undereating, and the deep voice was practiced.

"Yeah, but Hayner still needs to watch what he says." Luxord eyed Hayner with something like malice written on his face. It was now common knowledge that Luxord had wanted to get into Pence's pants (although Vexen was still unsure as to why anyone would want to have sex with Pence) and Hayner had got there first. "Anyway. What about Marly? Do you fancy him?"

There was a long silence in which Vexen nodded slowly and a smile spread across Larxene's face.

"Was that the door?" There was a second knock, louder than the first, and Hayner got to his feet. "I'll get it."

Larxene leaned across the table with a beer in her hand. "Act surprised when he gives it to you, and tell him it's the best thing ever, even if it's shit, right?"

Vexen nodded again, feeling rather dumb. Advanced Chemistry, he could handle. University-level Biology, no problem. But other people's feelings? No, thank you.

"Hey, Vexy." Even when everyone was calling him some variation of Vexen, Marluxia had to find the one thing that nobody else named him, and used it especially for himself. It was more or less a given that if anyone else called him Vexy, they would no longer be welcome in Vexen's kitchen to drink beer and talk about literally nothing. "I got you something."

If the others were ruffled by being completely ignored by the new arrival, they didn't show it.

"Oh, really? Awesome, what?"

Marluxia smiled and sat down next to Vexen, rather close. Vexen enjoyed it for a full ten seconds before someone's foot connected painfully with his shin and Larxene and Luxord started laughing. "First you have to say, "Oh my gosh, Marly, you're the most fantastic friend in the world!" and with feeling."

"Yeah, Vexen, with feeling," Hayner echoed, and the others all giggled. Oh, the maturity.

Vexen smiled. "Oh my gosh, Marly, you're the most fantastic friend in the world."

"That'll do. Okay, hold out your hands." Vexen obeyed, and Marluxia dropped a small parcel wrapped in unsexy brown paper into his hands. "Well? Open it!"

Everyone watched, rapt, as Vexen pulled the paper off his present. "Oh my – fucking hell, Marluxia, this is... God, I..."

"What is it? Larxene, move your fat arse, I can't fucking see!" Luxord complained. Dumbstruck, Vexen held it up. "It's a book."

"Not just any book," Vexen breathed, "this is the latest case study by Professor –"

"Oh, shut up, you nerd." Larxene grinned. "Honestly, anyone would think it's the fucking Bible or a Harry Potter book or –"

"Don't be a bitch, Larx, look how happy he is." Vexen smiled at Hayner, nodding, and then looked at Marluxia. "Is this where we leave you two alone?"

Both Marluxia and Vexen blushed. "Um... well..."

"Do you like it, Vexy? Really?" Marluxia asked quietly.

"I love it. Thank you." He wrapped his arms around Marluxia and hugged him, the book in his hands preventing the two from getting too close. "You're amazing, Marluxia."

"So are you. You've been through a lot, Vexy. When I first met you, you were the prettiest little boy I'd ever seen, in your brother's clothes and crying because you weren't allowed into the boys' bathroom. Now you're still gorgeous, and intelligent, and... my best friend." Marluxia swallowed. "Someone pass me a beer?"

The phone rang and Vexen leapt out of his seat. "I'll get it." Snatching up the house phone and putting it to his ear, he instantly recognised the song playing in the background. "Hey, Demyx."

"Hello, Vexen. How's my little brother doing? Everything okay? Are you Marluxia's boyfriend yet? Graduated university with flying colours, I assume?" Demyx was only half-kidding. He firmly believed that Vexen would at least get a scholarship into the most prestigious university he could find.

"Everything's great, Dem. Um, no to both the other things. Marluxia bought me the book I wanted, it only came out today so I don't know how he –"

"Shit! Sorry, Vex, I'm trying and failing to cook dinner." There was the sound of running water in the background and Xigbar saying something about burns and bandages and being fucking careful next time, dammit. "So, Marluxia got you an expensive gift, huh? Nice, nice. When are you gonna ask him out?"

"I'm not." Demyx gasped – whether from pain or shock or because Xigbar was groping him again, Vexen didn't really know. "Come on, Demyx, it's pretty obvious that he doesn't –"

"Yes, he does."

Vexen glanced over at his friends, all of whom were focused on Marluxia and making fun of him for something or other. "Well, the thing is, Dem, he's gay. That means he likes dick. Guess what I don't have?"

Slightly muffled, Vexen heard, "Should I tell him, Xig? You think? Okay." Then, at full volume. "Yeah, about that. Guess what you're getting for Christmas?"

Don't get your hopes up, don't get your hopes up...

"Um, a pony?"

"No, you idiot. Me, Dad, Larxene, Xigbar and a few of my friends who don't know who you are but don't really care so long as I'm happy have all put together some cash, and we're getting you something." Don't get your hopes up. "You said you wanted to go onto testosterone, right?"

He gasped and nearly dropped the phone. "You... oh my God, Demyx, you're the best! Oh my God! Thank you so, so much!"

"Don't mention it. And I'm gonna start putting money aside for your surgery as well, okay?"

"You don't have to –"

"I know." It sounded like Demyx had turned off the tap and was now smoothing some cream onto his burn. "But I want to. I know how much it means to you, Vex, and I wanna help."

"Thank you," he whispered, before hanging up and dancing over to the kitchen table. "I just found out what I'm getting for Christmas!" he half-sang, sitting down next to Marluxia and hugging him just for the hell of it.

"What're you getting, Vexy?" Marluxia asked, falling back into the familiar pattern of running his fingers through Vexen's silky hair before separating it into three sections and beginning to plait.

"Vexen is getting testosterone. I chipped in." Larxene smiled. "Think of it as an apology for all the times I called you "she"."

Vexen grinned. "Thank you."

xxx

"So?"

"So... what?"

Demyx sighed. "So, when were you gonna tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

Vexen was sitting at Demyx's kitchen table, nursing a mug of coffee and smiling to himself in spite of his best efforts to look relatively normal. He was twenty-one, and fully male, and incredibly happy, although he shouldn't have been, considering the funeral invitation that had landed on his doormat that morning. He had never loved his mother, that was the thing. Larxene was more of a mom than she ever was.

"I can see the ring, Vexen," Demyx said, sitting down opposite his younger brother and raising an eyebrow. "When did he propose?"

"Sunday."

"Three days ago? And you didn't tell me? I told you literally the second that Xigbar asked me, you were the first person I called, and you don't mention it to me for three days?"

"Marluxia wanted to keep it quiet –"

"I can keep things quiet!"

Vexen actually laughed at that. "You told Xemnas I was transsexual, I remember."

Demyx pouted. "Yeah, well, if I hadn't, he never would've pulled those strings, and you would still have a vagina."

"You're a bitch."

"Don't make me wake Xigbar."

The two of them laughed, and Vexen sipped his coffee. "He seems okay. Xigbar, I mean. I wouldn't mess with him."

"That kind of wears up when you've seen him naked once or twice." Vexen pulled a face. "What? We're married. We do fuck now and then, you know." Vexen pulled even more of a face and Demyx laughed. "Okay, I'll stop now."

Vexen had a sudden moment of cold terror. "Dem? What if he wants me to wear a dress for the wedding?"

Another laugh. "He's not that thickheaded, Vexen, give him some credit. I remember you hitting Mom because she tried to force you into some icky pink thing. Anyway, if either of you is wearing a dress, it's Marluxia. He's more of a girl than you've ever been."

And Vexen laughed, and as he laughed, in his older brother's fancy new house, he felt so relieved, and so happy, and so... himself.

xxx

Okay. Next time I come up with an idea for a fic at ten at night, I am just going to leave it til the morning, because otherwise I end up staying up until two like I am now.

So I basically wanted to write something with Marly as heterosexual, but I couldn't betray MarVex, so I got thinking, what if Vexen was a girl? And I wanted a girl name similar to Vexen and came up with Vixen, but nobody like Vix's mother would name her daughter Vixen, so I worked backwards and arrived at Victoria. I've never written anything like this before, and I don't pretend to be knowledgeable about sex changes and such, but I did my best.

As always, I would love to receive any praise, complaints, requests and challenges that you might be holding in your bosom. The review box is right there. Click on it. I love you all.