Hello, everyone! Once again, a small story took residence in my feeble little mind and wouldn't let go until I wrote it down. I was doing research on another story I'm TRYING to write and came across this great little website, which is explained below. I have put some references in this one, and unfortunately the superscript didn't work, so I have the numbers in parentheses after the sentence. I hope they aren't too distracting, but I wasn't sure how else to do that.
So… blame the internet for this one. And, as per usual, the normal blah, blah that I do not own a single speck of Hawaiian sand, let alone any of this wonderful franchise.
Mahalo, once again to Sockie1000 and Rogue Tomato for their extraordinary beta skills. Gals, you make it fun!
Navy SEALS 101
By Cokie
"OK, team, what say we go 'Balls to the Wall', finish the paperwork and get out of here?" Lt. Commander Steve McGarrett nearly pleaded with his 5-0 team while opening the double doors to their office space and limping in.
"Excuse me?"
Danny's head whipped around and he threw his arms into the air. "Balls to the Wall? What the hell are you talking about now? No… I don't even want to know, so don't bother. Every time you go away for your reserve weekend, you come back talking all goofy and acting even weirder than when you left."
McGarrett continued moving slowly toward his office, ignoring the rant that was building behind him.
"Hey, Boss?"
"Yeah, Kono?" He had reached his office and had pushed the door half open before turning toward her.
"You're limping worse than before. Want an ice pack?"
He shook his head and gave her a slight grin. "Nah, it's OK. I'll take care of it soon as I get home, which can't be soon enough. But thanks. Now let's wrap this up."
Steve slowly dropped into the leather chair behind his desk and scrubbed his eyes with both hands. "McGarrett, you're getting too old for this shit," he mumbled to himself.
"What'd ya say?" Danny asked, moving through the door.
He raised his head and blinked to refocus. "Nothing. Aren't you going to start your paperwork on this idiotic raid?"
"Yeah, yeah. Wanted to hear about your weekend."
"It was training. Recertification for parachuting. All weekend long."
"So you jumped all weekend?"
Steve sighed, opening the laptop on his desk. "Yep. All weekend."
"And your ankle?"
"Somewhere around what seemed like the eighty-fifth HALO, I had a burn in on Sunday morning. It's not bad, but running on it today didn't help any."
"You had a 'burn in' in your HALO? Could you please 'speakee' English?"
Steve fought the urge to sigh again. "I came down too fast in a jump and my ankle rolled."
"Ah," Danny said, heading back out the door. "Now was that too taxing?"
Steve stared at him. "What?"
"Speaking in a language I can understand?"
"Just write your report, Danno."
"Aye, aye, Commander, Sir."
Steve responded to Danny's unorthodox salute with one that was not quite standard Navy issue.
An hour later, Steve hit the print button on his computer and leaned back in his chair, stretching his sore back muscles. Quickly calculating the amount of sleep he had received since last Thursday night was equally depressing and he realized he could no longer function on ten hours sleep for the entire weekend.
He decided he wasn't getting old. He was just getting soft.
Steve stood and powered down his computer, seeing Chin and Kono standing by the coffee machine. Chin saluted with a fresh cup of coffee and Steve nodded his assent, heading in their direction. Kono met him with a mug of steaming coffee and he inhaled the aroma, groaning with pleasure.
"Bad weekend, Brah?" Chin asked.
Steve shook his head and took a sip from his cup. "Just long," he replied. "Way too long." His stomach rumbled as the coffee hit its mark, reminding him that sleep wasn't the only thing he went without that weekend.
Kono laughed at the embarrassment on his face. "Hey, thanks for reminding me. Got a text from Kamekona this afternoon saying that he brought us food. Said he left it in the fridge." She set down her coffee and went to check it out. "Oh, yeah, look at this," she called to them with her head in the refrigerator.
"Kamekona just waltzes into our office and leaves food? How?" McGarrett asked. He shook his head and said, "Never mind. Remind me to requisition a better lock for this place."
She pulled out five containers of take out. "Here's one for Lori, too, so since she's on the mainland, you can have her food, too."
"None for me," Steve told her. "I'm beat, so I plan to go home, shower and hit the rack."
Kono shook her head. "No, Brah, you've got to eat," she argued. "Your stomach is already going lolo on you. Hang on and I'll pop it all in the microwave."
"Wonder what's taking Danny so long to finish?" Chin asked, watching Danny still hunched over his computer.
"I don't know," Steve replied. "How many ways can he say 'the stitch was an idiot and the bust was a cluster'?"
"Yeah, don't I know it," Chin agreed. "Pretty much a wasted day, wasn't it?"
"Totally. I'm guessing the jerk hedged his bets and did a double cross. But since he was HPD's snitch, I'm leaving him to them for questioning." Steve locked eyes with his partner as Danny stood and removed several pages from his printer before opening his door and moving toward them, carrying the papers.
"Are you done yet?" Steve asked.
"I have been finished for quite some time, thankyouverymuch! I was doing research, if you must know."
"I don't. Want to know, that is," Steve replied.
"You are probably right," Danny agreed with a wide grin. "Hey, I smell food. Where'd that come from?"
"Kamekona brought it by," Kono explained while removing Steve's food from the microwave. "Here, Boss. Sit down and at least eat before you fall down."
Steve opened the box and glanced inside before giving it a cautious sniff. Making a face at what could possibly indicate a combination of tofu and SPAM, he glanced up, snared the second box Kono took out of the microwave and slid the first one off to Danny.
"Yes, Steve, please sit," Danny agreed with her, picking up the box of warmed food. "We need to have a discussion." He hooked a chair with his foot and pushed it toward his partner.
"What discussion?" McGarrett warily asked, looking at his teammates. "This isn't another one of your stupid 'interventions' is it?" (1)
"No, of course not," Danny assured him. "Not that the first intervention was stupid. It was necessary. But this is the fruits of my labor for the past half hour."
Chin took his own food and he and Kono joined them while Danny fiddled with the smart board.
"You need help with that, Brah?" Chin asked, with a grin.
"Nah, thanks. I've been practicing," Danny proudly replied, blacking out the screen before reaching for his fork.
Steve shoveled in a fork full of food. "So, what's this about?"
"This, my friend, is about 'balls to the wall' and an assortment of other Army terms you have used today."
"Navy," three voices shot back at him.
"Whatever. As I said earlier, when you return from your camping out weekends with friends you can't speak in plain English."
"Camping out? Really?" Steve set down his fork and rolled his chair closer to his friend. "I pulled a full day here on Friday, and then headed to Pearl. By four balls that night, I had made six jumps out of a plane into the water. Kept jumping until 0200 before grabbing four hours of sleep. Then I started all over again. And you call that 'camping with friends'."
"OK, so maybe not camping. But see… you did it again. Just what the hell is 'four balls'?
Steve rubbed a hand over his face before sliding it around to massage his neck. "Midnight. Four balls is midnight."
"I thought that was 2400."
"Yeah, but technically it is 0000, hence the four balls. Look, can we have this discussion another time? I'm beat."
"Nonsense, Steven. Finish your dinner." Danny picked up his papers once again and flipped through them. "Guys, I found this wonderful website we can use to decipher our frogman over there. I learned all sorts of things tonight. For example, 'balls to the wall' means 'full speed or maximum effort'. Hence, I assume you wanted everyone to hurry and finish the work so we could all go home, correct?"
"Not that anyone ever listens to me," Steve muttered around a mouth full of food.
"Here's some more," Danny began again, his excitement evident in his voice. "You told our good boy, Dexter Hu to 'shut his cake hole' today. That's his mouth, for us, the uninitiated. See, I'm learning all sorts of things."
"And you're just chuffed, aren't you?"
"Why, yes I am, Steven. See guys, 'chuffed' means pleased."
"I knew that," Chin pointed out with a grin.
"Well, this may be something you didn't know," Danny told them. "I found this site online – www . NavyDads .com. (2) Very, very informative." He toggled the screen and sent it to the screens overhead.
"See here's the site? Cool, huh? Now, from there, I went to 'Navy slang' like so, and then, look at this! Here's a link to 'A SEAL Team Glossary'. This, my friends, is just too good to be true. For instance, did you know that a kidnapping in SEAL lingo is a 'body snatch'?" Danny nodded his head. "That one even makes sense."
"Of course it does," Steve argued. "They all make sense."
"And look at this. Here's a 'burn in' that our very own little SEAL did this weekend. I now know that it is a parachute malfunction. You must be careful doing your HALOs, Steven. Those 'high altitude, low opening' jumps can be very dangerous."
"I appreciate your heartfelt concern, Danno," Steve told him, getting up and throwing away the empty food container. "Kono, thanks for the food, but I'm heading home."
"Let me just run through a few more of these before you leave, Steve. Hmmm… here's one." He stopped scrolling down the list of terms. " 'Smooth Dog'." Danny crossed his arms as Steve stopped in his tracks.
Placing one finger on his lips in thought, Danny mumbled, "Now where have I heard that phrase before?" He smacked himself in the head. "Oh! Wait. Isn't that your super-secret SEAL nickname? Guys, I think it is! Remember, it's the nickname you said I would never know what it meant." (3)
Kono and Chin exchanged glances after seeing the glare on McGarrett's face, knowing that this was going to get good. Kono couldn't keep her smile from forming and anxiously waited for what was coming next. She, too, had wondered about the moniker.
"Let's see what it means," Danny began again. "And don't tell me to shut my 'cake hole', McGarrett.
Here we go: As a noun, 'Smooth Dog' means 'a slick-talking womanizer'. Steven, Steven, Steven… now really? Did you get this name as a fresh, young Tadpole or did it take a while to develop as your skills grew?"
"McGarrett, you dog," Chin exclaimed with a laugh of his own.
"You go, Boss," Kono added.
Steve sat back in his chair and stared at his team. He had really, really hoped this day would never come.
"Hey! You're back. How'd the weekend go?" Joe White called to Steve as he entered the room and walked toward them.
McGarrett hung his head and groaned once again. With a sigh, he looked up and glanced at his SEAL friend. "Fine."
"Then why the hang dog look?" Joe glanced at the others, and then added, "Someone pee in your Cheerios?"
"Close," Danny replied. "We just found out what 'Smooth Dog' means."
"OK, Danny, listen," Steve began. "If your super dictionary was accurate, there would be another meaning to the phrase."
Joe crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the smart board. "I gotta hear this."
"Joe." Steve pointed a finger in his direction. "You stay out of this, you hear me?"
White raised a hand letting Steve know he was out of the conversation.
"I do believe there is another definition," Danny agreed, checking the screen once again. " 'Smooth Dog', as a verb also means, 'to talk you way out of a tough situation'."
Joe's laughter could not be contained.
"Joe." The warning was clear.
The older man coughed and straightened up. "Sorry, got choked there for a minute."
"OK, someone is going to tell us a story tonight, or Boss, you're not going home," Kono warned him, a sparkle in his eyes. "I will bolt the door if I have to."
"As I've said in the past, my career is classified. And it stays that way," Steve told his team, pointedly glaring at Joe.
"Then we'll just have to torture Joe for the facts," Danny decided, turning toward the older SEAL. "What will it take to break you?"
"No comment," Joe quickly said, pointing to the screen. "Although it is good that both those definitions are there, since they do both apply," he added with a quirky grin.
"Shut it, Joe."
"Joe, are you going to stand for that?" Danny asked, his arms waving in the air. "Since you are here, you have to give us something."
White shook his head. "Sorry, guys. There is some information that will have to forever remain classified."
"Damn straight."
"But, I will give you a hint—"
"Joe, I swear, I will—"
"Shut your cake hole, McGarrett," Danny inserted.
Joe continued without missing a beat, "—that on two occasions I can recall, a very young and very stupid McGarrett managed to sweet talk himself out of a boat load of trouble. Just by smiling and spewing out nonsense, he managed to talk himself out of becoming a brig rat… that means being locked up."
"I repeat, shut up, Joe." McGarrett slumped in his chair, trying to appear that he wasn't pouting.
"Come on, McGarrett… details," Danny asked again.
"No way." Steve stood, and then decided to give his team a germ of an idea before he left them. He smirked and told them, "Let's just say that it involves a bottle of water, a condom and a request from Supply for a dozen fallopian tubes. (4) And that, my friends, is all I am saying."
"What? Fallopian tubes? Those are…" Danny spluttered.
"That makes no sense, Brah," Kono said, her face skewed up in thought.
"That's all you're getting," Steve shot back, chuckling at the memory while going to his office to gather his phone and SIG.
"Here's a story I can tell, because it happened to me," Joe began. "And this numbskull actually said this."
Steve rushed back out of his office. "Hey, Joe, how about going for drinks. I'm buying."
"Thanks, but in a minute. I've got a story for your friends. They need to hear this one."
"I don't think so."
"But we do think so, Brah, so let the man talk," Chin said, pushing McGarrett back down in the chair.
"Go for it, Joe."
"In Coronado, I was making 'sugar cookies' one day on the beach…"
Danny grinned. "Didn't know that SEAL training included learning to use an Easy Bake oven."
"Let me explain. After spending the morning in the water, the Tadpoles were told to fall face first in the beach and roll for 100 yards, coating themselves with sand. If they didn't have a good coating, well," he stopped and grinned, "we just had to make sure we did it for them."
Steve leveled Joe with a steely glare that only caused the older man's smile to increase.
"Tadpole McGarrett needed some help that day, so I doused him with saltwater and had some of his pals roll him on the beach until he was good and 'sugar coated'. When he came back to me, I approved of his look and I said, "I suppose after you get discharged, you'll just be waiting for me to croak so you can come and piss on my grave."
The team waited, wondering what was next, looking from him to McGarrett, who finally grinned at them before opening his mouth. "And I said, 'Not me, Sir. Because once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!" (5)
It took a moment before they all erupted in laughter, Joe smacking Steve on the shoulder.
"And you got by with that?" Danny asked.
"Yeah, I did", Steve admitted, "because Commander White couldn't stop laughing."
"And I'll tell you why," Joe added. "When you go through that training, it is intense, brutal. Anytime you can teach a recruit to take a moment and breathe, well, sometimes it's worth it. But I did have them dump him back in the ocean and start all over again."
"And I had to wear the sand the rest of the day," McGarrett added.
"Is it true that you throw recruits off the boat and tell them to stay in the water for 24 hours?" Danny asked Joe.
"Where'd you hear nonsense like that?"
"I don't know, but it's out there," Chin replied. "We used to hear rumors about SEALs at Pearl all the time. Like you get shot at least twice during training just so you'll know how it feels out in the field."
"Yeah, we really enjoy shooting our own men," Joe deadpanned. "It really helps the morale."
"Someone asked me once 'how many times my CO drowned me and brought me back to life during training?' " Steve told them. "I told her none because that never happened and she said that I couldn't possibly be a real SEAL because," he held up his fingers in 'bunny quotes', "her sister's hairdresser's cousin's son was a SEAL and they did it to him at least once a week." (6)
Joe shook his head. "We are a misunderstood bunch, I can attest to that."
"Well, I, for one, am disappointed," Danny told them. "I was so hoping that Smooth Dog was 'smooth' for all his moves with the babes."
"Sorry to disappoint you, Danno."
"Well, there was that one weekend you had the triple date."
"Hey, Joe, I'm beat. Think I'll reneg on the drinks and go on home."
"What's so special about a triple date?" Kono asked. "I've done that lots of times."
Joe replied, "I bet you are thinking of three couples going out together, right?" Joe asked.
"Yeah, sure, why?"
"McGarrett's idea of a triple date is three different women in one night." (7)
"Brah, that's cold," Chin said, laughter crinkling his eyes.
"OK, I'm sorry," Kono turned to her boss. "Please explain how that works."
"Joe, I hate you."
"Come on, Frogman," Danny told his partner with a grin, "we already know about 'Smooth Dog', so fill us in on the rest."
"Yes, Frogman," Kono agreed, rolling her chair closer to the action. "I've got to hear this."
"Look, we were young," Steve tried to justify his actions.
"Not to mention totally stupid," Joe supplied. "And horny… sorry Kono."
"So, what's the story?" she asked again.
"We had a system," McGarrett began.
"Yes, the old 'good buddy' system," Joe explained.
"OK, Joe, you've talked enough and opened this whole can of s…tuff. I can handle it from here."
Joe put both hand behind his head and waited. "Knock yourself out. I can't wait."
"We would go to a bar, right, and just wait for a 'Frog Hog' to come over," he began.
"A WHAT?" Kono asked.
"A frog hog is a SEAL groupie," Joe 'whispered' so that they could all hear. "They're all over the place in Coronado. Now, bear in mind, this was after BUD/s, so all the hard stuff was over with. These guys just hadn't shipped out yet. Now continue…"
Steve glared, but continued his story. "When a girl came up to one of us, the other guys would sort of stand back and wait. And watch. So one night, this girl moved next to me and asked if I would buy her a drink. So, I did and we found a table and talked, but I could tell she wasn't my type, so I scratched my right ear."
"AKA, she wasn't his type because she wasn't ready to go to bed with him after one drink," Joe explained.
"That's not it," McGarrett argued. "I just knew."
"What's scratching your ear have to do with anything?" Danny asked, reaching up to scratch his own ear.
"It was code," Steve explained. "One of the guys called me and when I hung up the phone, I told her I had to get back to base, ASAP. Told her I had a great time and we should do it again, and everything was fine – she got her 'date' with a SEAL and I got out of having to spend the whole night with her."
"I don't know about being 'smooth'," Kono said. "But you sure fit the 'dog' part perfectly."
"Come on, Kono," he began again. "It wasn't like that."
"There's more," Joe added with a grin.
"Spill, Brah," Chin told him.
"So, we left, hit the next bar and did the same thing. Only this time, the girl and I had dinner together, but there just wasn't a spark. So, I got another call saying that I was needed on base."
"After scratching your ear again?" Danny asked, receiving a nod from Steve.
"Wait, I have a question," Chin held up his hand. "You carried a cell phone with you?"
"Well, yeah. Of course it was this big," he motioned with his hands and grinned, "and had an antenna I had to pull out, but it was a cell phone."
"OK, sorry, finish. You dumped a second one."
"Chin, I did not dump anyone. The lady and I had drinks and a nice dinner, before I realized she, uh, that we—"
"That you weren't getting any that night?" Danny asked with a grin.
"Something like that," Steve mumbled.
"So, what?" Kono began. "Another bar, another date?"
Steve continued, rather sheepishly. "We went to another bar and I had a drink with another nice girl. We decided to go for a walk on the beach—"
"Uh huh," Kono inserted.
"Hush, Rookie. Walk on the beach—" Danny motioned with his hands for his partner to continue.
"We were going out the door when in walked Girl One and Girl Two, at the same time. Apparently they were roommates and were going to have drinks together, seeing as how they both struck out that night."
Kono sat back in her chair, legs and arms crossed, grinning at him. "Busted. And I do hope payback was involved, Brah. That's cold."
"Oh, that isn't all," Joe added once again. "The girls started a cat fight and our fair boy here didn't go home with anyone that night. In fact, if I recall, the Master at Arms was called and Steve and his buddies spent the next two weekends confined to quarters."
"Oh, that is smooth… dog. Yep," Danny said, laughing at his partner. "It all makes sense now."
"That's not why I got the nickname," Steve argued, standing and facing Williams.
"Deny it all you want," Danny said, poking his index finger in McGarrett's chest. "But we now know the truth. Joe, thanks for stopping by. You've been a big help."
"After all the ridicule, can I go home now? I've been up for way too many hours to count," Steve whined, heading for the door.
"Never knew you to be a wuss, Dog," Joe said. "I'm ready for that drink you promised."
"OK, let's get this straight, guys," he stopped with his hand on the door handle. "The name is McGarrett. Or Steve. Or even Boss. But not 'Dog', or 'Smooth Dog', got it? And Joe, you lost your drink privileges about twenty minutes ago. See you guys tomorrow."
"Whatever," Kono said, shaking her head dismissively and grinning. "But I'm never going to a bar with you again. No way am I gonna be your wingman."
"Not a problem." Steve headed out the door, then stopped and stuck his head back inside. "Hey! Ask Joe who 'Low Balls' is. He'd love to tell you that story." And with a cheeky grin, he was out of sight.
"McGarrett!"
References
(1) A reference to my story, Hikili Pau.
(2) Taken from www . Navydads .com. A very informative website!
(3) A reference to my story, Kekoa.
(4) Found at the site "Good jokes for good comrades".
(5) Also found at "Good jokes for good comrades".
(6) From one of the Navy Boards I found through .com. I couldn't find it again, but it was full of stories from SEALs. Really great site.
(7) A friend of mine tried a variation of this once… it did not end well.