Surprise



Disclaimer: Believe me, nobody wishes more than I do that Harry Potter was mine. Alas, it is not to be.

Summary: The Dark Lord finds to his cost that a surprising number of his Death Eaters are gay.

A/N: This is the second product of my "I'm-sick-of-romance-and-angst" mindset, which I am determined to fully enjoy while it lasts (I know I'll be crawling back to to my angst-whore origins before long).

. . .

Lucius walked in through the open doors, which shut with a hollow echo behind him. He stood before Voldemort in a pool of weak light which streamed in from the high windows of the large assembly hall.

"My Lord," he murmured, kneeling to kiss the hem of Voldemort's robes.

"Rise, Lucius." Lucius got to his feet and waited expectantly for his master to speak.

"I have devised a plan towards the utter destruction of Severus Snape, the traitor," Voldemort revealed smugly. The corners of Lucius' mouth twitched.

"Indeed, My Lord?" Ever since Voldemort had discovered the crucial part Snape played in the Order, and thus in aiding Harry (who had recently bested him again), Voldemort had become obsessed with destroying Snape. He was convinced that it was a stepping stone towards Harry's death.

"Indeed. And - "

"Indeed!" Lucius appeared rather pleased. He had his own score to settle with Snape.

"Indeed," Voldemort said shortly. "And recognizing that you are my right hand, I am giving your son the honor of playing the instrumental role in his downfall." "

Indeed!" Voldemort would have screamed, had not Lucius continued in a deferential, thankful tone, "I am most honored, My Lord. Draco shall be grateful for this privilege; indeed, he shall." Lucius grinned, stroking his chin with his left hand, his right grasping that ridiculous snake- headed cane he was so fond of.

"Yes, well, if you would let me continue, I might explain what is expected of him - "

"I would be much obliged," Lucius interrupted.

Voldemort glared. "As I was saying, the plan . . ." His ill temper was abandoned for wicked glee. His red eyes lit up, and he rubbed his hands together eagerly. His plan was just too wonderful. "Draco will seduce Severus. When Severus is so enamored of the boy that he would willingly place his heart and soul in the palm of Draco's hand - then we strike. The open palm closes to form a fist, crushing poor Severus -," he clapped his hands triumphantly," and he is a broken man! Hahaha!"

"Oh." Lucius looked dubious. He realized what his expression was saying and he rearranged his features to look sufficiently impressed. "It is an excellent plan - but forgive me, I do not think it will work." "

Why not?" If Lucius had been a lesser Death Eater, he would be writhing in the throes of Cruciatus. As he was Voldemort's right hand man, however, Voldemort took his objections seriously. "Draco is an attractive boy."

"Yes, he is." Lucius smiled with paternal pride. Then his smile faded. "However, he is completely straight."

"He's . . . straight?"

"I'm afraid it's all Narcissa's influence, My Lord. I feel she's always spoiled the boy."

"Straight?"

"As a beanpole."

Voldemort recovered himself and shut his mouth, which had been gaping with shock. There was a pause. "All right, then. If he's straight, I expect the child won't be able to act convincingly enough to sway Severus."

"You are very understanding, My Lord."

"I know," he said absently. "Very well, then, Lucius - you may have the pleasure of causing Severus' ruin. I only had Draco in mind first because I expected Severus to have a taste for younger flesh. That is immaterial, however. It isn't as if he's getting action from any venues other than his right hand. He's probably desperate enough to take any of my Death Eaters, should they express an interest in him."

"You are too kind, My Lord," Lucius demurred. "But I regret to say that I - I 'm straight as well."

"No!" Voldemort was again gaping in shock.

"No one regrets more than I," Lucius agreed.

"But you - the way you prance around with your arse in the air and your cane in hand - the way you talk -"

"Indeed . . ." Voldemort wanted to scream "You see what I mean!"

"I am sorry if I have misled you." Lucius sounded very apologetic.

"No matter," Voldemort said, very impatient now. "I'll have Nott do it, then. Like I said, Snape will be desperate. He'll believe any of my servants if they say they have switched sides as he has."

"Oh, Master," and now Lucius looked truly contrite. "Nott's straight as well."

"Wha - unbelievable! Avery - Rookwood - Lestrange?"

Lucius was shaking his head. "All straight. I mean, you don't expect Lestrange is married to Bellatrix for nothing? Narcissa's a fine woman, but her sister . . ." He let out a low whistle, and he sounded distinctly envious. "Furthermore, I hate to inform you . . . but Severus is not gay either, so it would do little good even if any of us were."

"Bloody hell. Are you telling me that none of my servants - not even ex- servants - are gay?"

"We're all straight," assented Lucius, nodding.

"Then a woman like Bella ought to do the trick," he said at last. Voldemort thought, She certainly seems to be effective enough on you.

"Oh dear. Severus isn't actually straight. He has no sexual orientation whatsoever."

Voldemort stared, but there was little that could shock him now. He was still reeling over the amazing number of gay Death Eaters. He sat back heavily.

"All right," he said distractedly. "I'll just have to devise a new scheme, then."

"A commendable idea, My Lord."

"You may go, Lucius," he said, waving a hand in dismissal.

"Thank you, My Lord," he said, bowing on his way out.

Voldemort rubbed his face hard. He had just learned a lot about his Death Eaters. "None!" he said to the empty room. "It's just me, then!"

. . .

A/N: Dear me. This fic, more an exercise in silliness than anything, does not reflect my actual beliefs on the Death Eaters' sexuality. If it did, Lucius and Snape would both be flamboyant bisexuals. Perhaps for another fic, in another time . . . veg

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