Not responsible. These words keep repeating themselves over and over again in Zach's mind. Two fucking words from 12 total strangers on the jury that have managed to sucker punch him, leaving him battered and bruised, expect the bruises left behind aren't the type that can be seen by the naked eye. Two fucking words that prove what he already knows: Liberty High School isn't responsible for Hannah Baker's death; he is.
Zach knows he isn't the only one responsible for killing Hannah. Eleven other individuals also helped in that regard, but it doesn't lessen the sting of what he has done, of what he didn't do or what he should have done if he hadn't been such a coward. And for that, he'll have to live the rest of his life with the soul-crushing regret of one Hannah Baker.
When he left court after the verdict and after his best friend Justin Foley had been arrested, Zach wasn't expecting to end up in front of Olivia Baker's house. But after hours of driving around in a daze, he finds himself parked on the street in front of her house. He doesn't remember making the decision to drive there. He also doesn't remember how he physically ended up there or even making the right turn onto her street.
Now that Zach finds himself in front of Mrs. Baker's house, he has no fucking clue what to do about it. He looks down at this phone. He has several missed calls from Alex and his mom, and even one from Clay. He doesn't know what to say to any of them so he leaves their calls unreturned. The sound of the rain tapping against his windshield is the only thing keeping him tied to reality, he thinks. The rain starts off light and soft, almost soothing, with gentle taps against his window. Within minutes, the rain is coming down hard and it's loud, with violent taps that shake, not only his Audi, but his whole being. He thinks the heavens must have suddenly opened up, and all the rain rushed out at once like a dam breaking. He thinks he can relate to that feeling.
Zach looks over at the house. It's dark except for a soft light illuminating from the living room. The shadow of Olivia Baker moving back and forth from the kitchen to the living room is the only movement witnessed. He's surprised to see that she's alone. He wonders what she is doing in the quiet house by herself and how she is holding up after living through the second worst day of her life.
Zach steps out of the car. He doesn't know why he steps out of the car. He doesn't have a plan, much less an idea of what he's going to do or say. He just knows that he can't sit in the car a second longer or he might go insane. He doesn't think he's exaggerating either. He feels like he's been teeter on the edge of sanity for a while now and that staying in his car will finally push him over an edge he's not ready to tumble towards.
Within seconds of stepping into the rain, Zach's clothes are completely soaked. The rain is cold, leaving him chilled to the bones almost instantly. For some reason, the cold is a welcomed relief from the numbness of the day, because it confirms that he's still alive, at least in the technical sense. Zach starts to make his way towards the front door of the Baker residence, but he stops mid-way up the walkway because it suddenly dawns on him that Mrs. Baker probably doesn't want to see him. He thinks that she couldn't possibly want to see the boy who broke her daughter's spirit, took her virginity and then walked away so easily, especially on today of all days.
But what Mrs. Baker, the attorneys, the jury, the kids at Liberty High, or hell, even Hannah didn't know is that it wasn't easy at all. It was the hardest, and now in retrospect with the benefit, or curse if you asked him, of hindsight and Hannah's goddamn tapes, the stupidest thing he's ever done.
Zach is standing in the pouring rain, paralyzed by fear, the fear of either facing Mrs. Baker and seeing the pain and hurt he's caused all over her face or not facing Mrs. Baker, returning to his car and doing what he always does, nothing. Lucky for him, Zach doesn't have to decide what kind of person he is, because Mrs. Baker opens the front door.
"Zach?" the women questions.
Zach doesn't move. He doesn't respond. He just stands there, still paralyzed by fear. The rain is coming down even harder than before, nearly obscuring the pain etched across her face. Nearly, but not completely. He can make out that her eyes are red and her face blotchy from crying. She's holding a glass of red wine in her right hand and looking at him with such intense sadness, if not a bit of curiosity, that he thinks he might puke.
"Zach, what are you doing out here?" Mrs. Baker asks.
"I, uh…" he stutters. He's not sure how to respond because he doesn't know the answer himself. "I don't know. I was driving around and I found myself parked outside your house." He looks down at the ground not sure if he can continue. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. I'm…I'm going to…."
Mrs. Baker steps forward onto the porch. "No. Don't go."
Zach looks up again and meets Mrs. Baker's gaze. His bangs are plastered against his forehead and water droplets are collecting on his eyelashes, making it difficult to see. Despite that, he notices that she has the same blue eyes as Hannah and the same simultaneous fierce and sad look that Hannah used to have. He would give anything right now to disappear. He wishes that the rain would wash him away and carry him down to some unknown place where no one knew the things that he's done, or the things that he's seen and done nothing about.
"Come inside. You're soaking wet." She states with motherly authority.
The guys always called Zach "a mommy's boy". He never protested too much about it because he always knew deep down that they were right. His mother instilled in him at an early age that you do what an adult tells you to do. So, it doesn't surprise him when he does as he's told and moves towards the house and walks inside.
Zach stands just past the front door, attempting to minimize the amount of rain water dripping onto the hardwood floors in the living room. He starts shivering as Mrs. Baker moves past him and down the hallway. When she returns, she's carrying several large bath towels and hands them to him.
Zach thanks her quietly and wraps one of the towels arounds his shoulders and uses another one to wipe his face and dry off his hair. He's still shivering from how cold he feels but he can start to feel some warmth return to his cheeks. He's still afraid to move, afraid that he'll drip water over everything and ruin something special. He almost laughs at the idea, because he's already ruined something special, hasn't he.
Mrs. Baker puts her red wine glass down for the first time and steps in front of the small bar near the dining room table and pours a glass of brown liquid into a clear tumbler. Zach suspects that it's Scotch, but he's never been much of a drinker and usually avoids liquor at all costs so he isn't sure.
She turns around to face him again. "How long were you standing out there?"
"I don't know. Ten minutes, maybe longer." He responds.
She simply nods and takes a sip of the brown liquor before returning to the living room and siting down on the couch. She looks at him silently.
"I'm sorry," he blurts out. "About the trial. About everything." Zach knows that his apology is weak. Insufficient. Just like everything else he seems to do. Jesus, he was never really good with expressing his feelings. He learned early on that it wasn't really the Dempsey way.
She gives him a small smile and looks at him. He feels like it's the first time that she's ever really looked at him. He's not surprised. Even though he's 6'3", he's used to people not really noticing him. Sure, they see him, but very few people actually ever see him.
"Did you care about my daughter or were you just using her?"
The question catches him off guard because it's so blunt. Zach takes a moment to reflect before answering. He thinks back to his favorite moment with Hannah. A moment that the jury didn't hear about. A moment that no one knows about except for him and Hannah. A moment that he'll cherish for the rest of life, but a moment he will always regret because he didn't say more.
###
Zach puts his bags down in his room and quickly grabs his phone and sends a text. The house is empty—his mother is still at work and his sister is away at summer camp. He told his mom that he wouldn't be back until after 7pm in the hopes that he could sneak off and spend some time with Hannah.
"Hey. I'm back. Can I see you?"
He waits several minutes before he gets a reply and during that time he realizes how much he's missed her and wants to see her. His phone dings, alerting him to a text.
"Who is this?" It reads.
He smiles. She has a way of making him smile even when there was a time that summer when he thought he would never smile again.
He sends a quick reply.
"I've been gone for only two weeks and you've already forgotten about me. That's cold."
And while he's pretty sure that she was just joking. He sends another text immediately.
"This is Zach Dempsey."
He can see the little bubbles on his phone indicating that she is drafting a response. He waits impatiently and internally pleads that she'll say that she wants to see him too.
"Is this the Zach Dempsey that's tall, dark and handsome? The Zach Dempsey who left me alone for two weeks while he went off to baseball camp?"
"The one and only." He replies. He quickly follows up with another text. "Let me make it up to you."
He's blushing when he sends the second text. It's flirty and bordering on scandalous, which is not really his style. He's always been awkward around girls. He never really knows what to say, and always comes across as nervous and uncertain, which in turn, makes him look like just a dumb jock. It never helped that the guys always made fun of him for being the least experienced of the group, next to Marcus, of course, who apparently was saving himself for marriage but tried to act like he was such a player.
"What do you have in mind?" she replies.
Well, he had a lot of things in mind, especially after two weeks of not being with her. He is a 17-year old boy after all, and he'd be lying if he didn't admit that he was horny. And while he was hoping to touch her, to kiss her and be with her in that way, he realized that he would be just as happy if they went back to her house, watched a cheesy movie and he got to hold her for a little bit.
"Meet you at the docks at 3?" he asks.
"I'm working until 3. Meet you at 4?" Hannah replies. Then sends a follow-up text, "I have to go home and shower off the burnt popcorn smell."
After he reads her second text, his body decidedly reacts. That's just great. Now he's thinking about her in the shower—all wet and soapy and glistening, and god, he really missed her. She was going to be the death of him, he thought.
"You can't tell me you're going to be in the shower when I haven't seen you in two weeks. Now I'm going to be thinking about you in the shower." He texts back.
This text is even more scandalous then the last one but he sends it anyway. Hannah Baker must have some kind of power over him because he feels like he can do anything, say anything. He's drunk off that feeling.
"lol, why else do you think I told you that?" she replies.
He grins from ear to ear and simply thinks, Hannah Baker. He puts his phone down and begins to unpack his things. His mother expects them to put away their things immediately upon returning from a trip or vacation, and he'd rather avoid listening to his mother talk about how a clean and orderly room makes for a clean and orderly mind.
He hears the phone alert him to another text message. It's from Hannah.
"Can you return Great Gatsby?"
He had borrowed her copy of The Great Gatsby, a required summer reading for their Eleventh Grade English class, to read during down times at baseball camp.
"Yeah." He simply writes back to her.
He pulls the book out of his luggage and places it on his nightstand. Once he's done unpacking, he thinks that a shower isn't a bad idea after sitting on a bus for several hours with a bunch of teenage boys. He grabs a change of clothes and his phone and heads for the bathroom.
###
Hannah's sitting in their spot, looking out towards the water with her feet dangling off the small pier. The sun is making her glow and a light breeze blows her hair back away from her face. Zach thinks that she might be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He stands there a few minutes more, admiring her from afar.
When she finally notices him, her whole face lights up and she smiles. He smiles back. One of his big, goofy smiles. He walks over and sits down next to her.
"Hey," Hannah softly states.
"Hey," Zach whispers before leaning in and kissing her passionately.
When they slowly pull apart, Hannah responds with a laugh, "Well, somebody missed me."
"You have no idea." He replies, giving her an intense look.
"Why don't you tell me," she says seductively.
"Why don't I show you," Zach answers playfully.
"That will work too." She chuckles. "My place?"
Zach jumps up quickly, grabbing Hannah's hand and helping her up.
"I'll take that as a yes." She laughs again.
###
Hannah slides into Zach's car after he's opened the passenger door for her. He jogs over the driver's side and hops in before starting the engine and putting the car in drive.
Hannah looks around the car before asking, "Did you forget something?"
"I have condoms."
Hannah rolls her eyes. "I'm not talking about that. You were supposed to bring back my copy of The Great Gatsby."
"Shit. I left it at home, in my room."
"Zach!" Hannah shrieks out. "School starts in less than two weeks and I still need to read the book and write an essay about it."
"Damn it. Yeah, sorry. I forgot it in my rush to see you." He tries flashing her one of his please don't be mad at me faces. He realizes that it isn't working and that Hannah is definitely pissed at him. In the hopes of salvaging the afternoon, he offers to swing by his house and pick up the book on their way to Hannah's. She happily accepts the offer.
###
Zach pulls into his driveway and shuts the car off.
"I'll run in and be right back," he tells her.
"Is your mom home?" Hannah asks.
"No, she's at work. She won't be home until 6."
"I want to see your room." Hannah replies with a mischievous glint in her eye. She hops out of the car and makes her way to his front door.
###
Zach and Hannah are standing in his room. His heart is beating fast and he suddenly feels exposed in a way that he's never felt before. He immediate grabs the copy of The Great Gatsby off his nightstand and hands it to her.
She grabs the book that Zach hands her but appears completely distracted as she takes in his different sports trophies, pictures and other trinkets.
"This doesn't look like what I imagined."
"What did you imagine?" he's curious.
"Yeah. I don't know. I knew you liked baseball but I didn't realize that you were obsessed with it." She teases as she gestors to the wall of baseball pictures.
"I'm not obsessed with it." He laughs. "My dad, he really likes…liked baseball. He played when he was my age. He thought he was going to go pro, but he blew out his knee. I don't know, I guess he wanted me to do what he never got a chance to. You know?"
"Do you even like baseball?" she asks.
"Yeah, of course, I do. I just don't know if I want to be a professional baseball player when I grow up." Zach responds playfully, hoping to keep the moment light.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
He contemplates whether he should tell her. She's going to think it's stupid. Most people do. Most people don't think he's smart enough.
He sighs before replying hesitantly, "A marine biologist."
"Really?" Hannah asks surprised.
"Yeah, really. You think that's stupid?" He asks, genuinely interested in her opinion.
"No, I don't think that's stupid at all. I can totally see you as a marine biologist. Hanging out with dolphins and seals and such. Much better than a baseball player if you ask me."
Zach smiles down at Hannah, relieved that she doesn't think that his career goals are ridiculous or unobtainable because he's just a stupid jock. Hannah returns his smile and they look at each other for a while before Hannah breaks the silence.
"Your room is so clean and organized. My mom would die of shock if she ever found my room half as clean as yours."
Zach pauses as he's not sure how to explain all the rigid rules and expectations that his mom has for her two children. Zach settles on replying, "My mom…she expects Mae and I to keep everything in its place."
Hannah doesn't appear to miss the double meaning in his statement. He's told her that he's been struggling with his mom's apparent logically and non-emotional response to his dad's death.
"You must be the only teenage boy who doesn't have a picture of a half-naked girl hanging up in your room." Hannah ribs.
Zach walks over to his closet and opens it up. There's a hook hanging over the inside of the door and he removes a few jersey's hanging up to reveal a scantily clad, swimsuit wearing Kate Upton.
Hannah laughs. "And I had such high hopes for you! Why is she hiding in your closet?"
"My mom would freak out if she knew that I had this. She would definitely not allow me to hang this out in broad daylight where anyone could see it. She doesn't even want me to have girls over." He answers, giving Hannah a pointed look before he continues. "She still thinks I'm her innocent little boy."
"We both know you're not innocent." Hannah teases.
"Thanks to you." Zach teases back.
"What do boys even have posters like this, anyway?"
"Boys, um, were, um, visual." He settles for saying.
"What does that mean?"
"We like looking at girls' bodies. When we're fantasying. To you know." Zach feels the blush creeping up in his cheeks and he wishes that he could crawl under a rock. He's never told anyone this stuff before.
The point Zach is trying to make finally dawns on her.
"OH…do you ever think about me when you're doing THAT?" Hannah asks.
Zach cannot believe he is having this conversation with her. He cannot believe that he's about to admit that he thinks about her when he's getting off. Again, he wonders what power Hannah Baker must have over him.
He clears his throat and states with as much confidence as he can muster, "All the time."
Hannah smiles big. "Really?"
"Uh, yeah, really," Zach makes a nervous laugh and looks down at the ground, not wanting to make eye contact. "Even before we started hanging out, I thought about you."
She comes up to him and presses her body close to his.
"Tell me. What do you fantasize about when you're thinking about me?"
His body immediately responds to her body against his. It feels so good. He realizes how much he wants her, and how much he wants to make his fantasizes come true with her.
"I've thought about kissing you." He leans down until their lips are so close that he can feel her breath against his.
"Kiss me," she whispers.
He kisses her reverently, letting his tongue slide against hers slowly and in languid circles. He's taking his time, relishing the warmth and taste of her mouth. She tastes like chocolate, cinnamon and something uniquely Hannah. Their kissing grows more frantic as two weeks of unfilled desire is finally realized. Hannah puts her hand at the nape of his neck and pulls him closer to her until there's no space left between them.
"What else?" she asks breathless with eyes closed when their lips part.
"I've fantasized about touching you." His voice shakes a bit in response to her question.
"Touch me." She sighs.
He caresses her neck with his thumb, and kisses, licks and sucks at her pulse point. Zach's hand travels down her shoulder and towards her breast, cupping it and slowly tracing his thumb over her hardened nipple. Hannah softly moans, aroused by Zach's touch. His other hand travels down to her ass and he grabs it, giving it a slight squeeze and pulling her towards him. There is no doubt that she can feel how his body is responding to hers and she arches into him.
Hannah finds the bottom of Zach's shirt and slowly lifts it up, tracing her fingers over his toned back. She throws the shirt across his room in dramatic fashion once its off his head. He follows suit, removing her shirt and tossing it in the same direction as his. They both laugh before their bodies and lips are once again pressed against each other. Both of Zach's hands return to Hannah's bottom as he lifts her off the ground. She wraps her legs tightly around his hips and slowly grinds against his erection. Zach groans at the contact, pulling her closer against him.
"What else have you fantasized about doing to me in your room?"
"I've thought about having you in my bed." He says in a hushed tone as his forehead rests against hers.
"Take me to your bed," she murmurs.
"God, you're so sexy." He growls out before kissing her again. He carries her over to his bed and gently places her down. He realizes that having her there, in flesh and blood, in his room, is better than any fantasy that he's ever had.
He lays down beside her and brushes his lips against her neck again, giving her open mouth kisses. She hums and runs her fingers through his raven hair and turns her head to the side, giving him more access. He plants kiss after kiss, sucking and biting and licking his way down her body until Hannah is begging for more. He stops at her breast, removing her lacy black bra and planting kisses over her sensitive nipples before moving down to her soft belly. Hannah's back involuntarily arches into him and her breathing becomes more labored.
"What do you do with me when I'm in your bed?" she asks breathlessly.
"I make love to you. Very, very slowly." Zach whispers in her ear.
"Make love to me," she replies before kissing him again.
They spend several minutes kissing, touching and slowly grinding against each other until Hannah tugs at Zach's shorts, indicating that she wants him to remove them. He quickly slides out of them. Hannah reaches for the zipper of her own shorts but Zach gently swats her hand away.
"Let me," he says as he pulls her zipper down. Hannah lifts her bum up, allowing him to slip the shorts off of her. He removes them slowly, taking his time until Hannah is practically coming undone.
"You're so beautiful," he whispers as he takes her whole body in with his eyes. She blushes and attempts to hide her face with her hands. Zach reaches for her hands, bringing them back down to her side and tells her again that she is beautiful.
He traces her body with his hands and then his lips until Hannah is whimpering with need underneath him. Zach is enjoying the effect he's having on her and he realizes that Justin was right; it is much better when the girl is enjoying herself and Zach wants to make sure that Hannah enjoys herself.
Zach removes Hannah's underwear and traces slow circles across her warmth, causing Hannah's hip to sink into his hand in order to meet his ministrations. She's moaning and her breath becomes shallow as she inches closer to her release. She reaches for him and kisses him. The anticipation that has been building between them is too much for Hannah as she finalizes pleads, "I need you. Please."
Zach groans because it is the sexiest thing that anyone has ever said to him. He doesn't think anyone has ever needed him for anything before so Hannah saying that to him when she's naked and so close nearly sends him crashing over the edge of his own release. Zach makes quick work of removing his underwear and reaches into his nightstand to retrieve a condom and put it on. They get under the covers of his bed and he gently lowers himself on top of her.
They look at each other, and he places a soft kiss on her lips before he enters her.
Hannah whimpers out, "Zach." He moves very slowly and purposefully inside of her.
"You feel so good," Hannah whispers as her breath becomes shallow. "Please don't stop."
"I won't stop. I won't ever stop." Zach whispers back while slowly moving inside of her. "God, I missed you so much."
"I missed you too." Hannah's replies as she digs her nails into his back and her eyes flutter shut. Zach knows that she is close and he's on the precipice too, but he keeps his movements even and controlled.
Hannah moans out his name several times and arches her back towards him. Zach thrusts just once more before Hannah shatters under him, riding a wave of pleasure. As her breathing slowly returns to normal, Hannah lets out a throaty wow as a satisfied smile slowly flashes across her face.
Seeing her completely undone and satisfied rushes Zach forward to his own climax. He collapses on top of her and she giggles and pulls him into a hug. The warmth of her body feels good and he nudges his face into the crook of her neck breathing the smell of her in.
"God, that was better than any fantasy that I've ever imagined. I'm never going to be able to sleep in this bed again without thinking about this, you."
"Better than any Kate Upton fantasy?"
"Way better." Zach replies as he gently places a quick kiss on her lips and rolls off of her. He pulls Hannah close against him and she rests her head against his shoulder. Without realizing it, they slowly drift off to sleep.
###
"Zach. Zach." Hannah whispers and gently shakes him.
Zach barely stirs.
"Zach. You need to wake up. Your mom is going to be home soon."
Zach groans again and pulls Hannah tighter into a hug, breathing in her perfume smell.
"Come on. You need to take me home." She says as she softly nudges him and he releases her. He now wishes that he had never let her go.
Zach sits up and leans against his headboard. His hair is disheveled and he has a lazy smile across his face as he watches Hannah pick up their clothes. She walks over to his side of the bed and pulls her shirt over her head, tossing him his clothes. When she's completely dressed, Hannah looks at Zach and smiles.
"What?" He asks continuing to give her a boyish grin.
"Nothing. I just want to remember this moment, the way that you look right now for the rest of my life."
Zach felt it at that moment. He had thought that he might be falling for Hannah Baker, but in that moment, he knew he was a goner. He had already fallen hard and fast. He wanted to tell her. He was so close to telling her at that moment, but insecurity and doubt held him back. Instead, he merely pulled her into a gentle kiss.
Standing in Mrs. Baker's living room, Zach looked over at the older woman and said out loud what he wasn't able to before.
"I loved her. I never told her. I should have told her."
Zach's voice began to break and he looked down at the ground, trying to maintain his composure. "Maybe if I had told her, she wouldn't have…Things would have been different." The pain, the regret and the shame are obvious in his voice. And with the burden of his guilt finally voiced out loud, Zach falls to the ground sobbing. His hands covering his face.
Mrs. Baker jumps off the couch and kneels down in front of the crying boy. She places a hand on his back and pulls him into a hug. She doesn't tell him everything will be okay, because she knows that it would be a lie.
Zach leans into Mrs. Baker's hug. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought there would be more time."
Mrs. Baker holds Zach tighter, and says over and over again until Zach stops crying, "It's not your fault."