I sat on my couch staring blankly at the TV. I wasn't even watching what was on. I didn't care about that. In fact, I didn't care about anything. These days I had been mentally declining. I clearly had issues. I knew it. But like I said before... I didn't care.
I picked up the remote and turned off the TV. Staring at the black screen I sighed and stood up. I missed him. A lot. That was the only real feeling I felt. And it was an absolute. It took up all my time, my waking hours, which was 23 hours a day. It was an ache that I felt throughout my entire being. Pain strong enough to bring me to my knees, sinking to the floor with silent sobs that raked my body.
I wanted nothing more than to pull him in close to me, to tell him how I've felt about him since I first laid eyes on him.
I know I'm too young for him. But when you love an angel it really doesn't matter because they are ancient anyways. But I didn't know what he was when I saw him get out of Sam and Dean Winchester's car. I am Wiccan, and I was helping the boys with a case. Turns out the case was a lot more in depth than we thought, and they called in the angelic expert. My breath caught as he stepped out of the impala, his eyes looking around, accessing the area, and coming to rest on me. I didn't know what to do. My heart started to beat at probably a million miles a minute. I think he heard it too, because he studied my face as he walked towards me.
I flushed and looked away. He stopped a foot or so in front of me, looking down at me.
"Hello." He said, still studying my face.
"Um... Hi..." I replied, not making eye contact, but looking up to his neck and then back down again.
"Kassidy, this is our friend, Castiel. He helps us from time to time on tough cases." Dean said as he walked up beside us, breaking the silence
"It's nice to meet you." Castiel said to me in that husky voice of his, bending slightly at the waist and coming that much closer to me.
"Yeah, same." This time I ventured to look up to his cheek bones, then back down to my feet. He had a nice face. It looked so delicate and fragile, yet at the same time it looked tough and strong and able to protect you... Oh boy...
"Well, now that you two are 'aquatinted'," Dean said with a slight smirk, "let's get started!" He started to walk away.
"After you." Castiel said and swung his arm in a graceful motion to indicate after Dean. I nodded my appreciation and smiled. As we walked I could feel his eyes on me. Ever since then, whenever I was with him, I don't think he ever did look away from me for long.
After that case was when I found out what he was. Dean could tell how I felt about Cas, and wasn't above exploiting it.
"Awe Kass and Cas, now isn't that cute!" He reused while lounging on a couch in a motel room.
"Shut up!" Was the only reply he got. I was busy kneeling on the ground by a coffee table pouring over our case. It was three murders in one town, three in another, and so on. They all followed a pattern, which I was trying to crack. " I need a break man!"
"Take Cas with you, I'm sure he'd love to spend more time with you" dean cooed as I got up, grabbed my bag, and walked out. The only response he got was a muffled 'ass' and the finger as I closed the door. Honestly though I did want to take Castiel with me. I walked to the next room over and knocked on the door as I pulled my bag strap over my head. Sam opened the door and gave me a quizzical look.
"Did you find out anything?" He asked me as he stepped aside to allow me in.
"A few minor details. Like all three of the victims worked at the same restaurant. I have yet to talk to the manager or examine the bodies. I was thinking to do both those things today, but I'm heading out for a quick coffee break. Want me to bring you anything back?" I looked around the room. No sign of Cas.
"I'm fine on the coffee front, but I bet Cas would want some. Hey Cas!" He yelled out, giving me a sly smile. I couldn't help but smile back. I didn't mind Sam bugging me. I knew he wasn't gonna tell Cas. No sooner than Sam called his name did Cas appear sitting on the bed. My breath caught. He stood up and walked toward us.
"Yes?" Cas asked, looking between me and Sam. His voice almost sounded concerned. Sam gave me an expectant look. He wasn't gonna ask for me.
I took a deep breath and looked Castiel in the eye. He had the most amazing light blue eyes. I almost forgot what I was going to say. "I was um, wondering if you wanted to go out for a coffee with me." I looked at Sam who smiled at me, flashing me a discrete thumbs-up.
"I would like that very much." Castiel replied with a soft smile that made my heart flutter. What is wrong with you..? I thought to myself as I smiled in return. Castiel walked over and opened the door. "Ladies first." He said with a gracious sweep of his arm. I turned to Sam to smile and wave goodbye, who in turn waved and winked, which made me laugh to myself.
We were walking down the side walk in silence when I slipped on the ice that was starting to form. I braced myself for impact, but it never came. I was suddenly aware of the arms around me. One was across my back and under my arms, the other wrapped around my waist. I looked up and to the right of me, right into the eyes of Castiel. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless as it started to run beet red.
"Uhhhmmmm..." I stammered, completely unable to form words or comprehend the situation. All I knew was that Castiel was holding me very close to his body as he stood me back up.
"You should be more careful. Ice, it's... Slippery." He said as he put me in a vertical position, but he didn't remove his hands, which both rested on my hips. Somehow during the fall my hands had reached out for something to grab, which in this case happened to be Castiel's shoulders. As we stood there, I worked to control my breathing.
"Th-thanks... Sorry about that..." I stammered on unable to stop myself as I stared into his icy grey-blue eyes. 'Get it together!' I silently scolded myself. "I'm just really clumsy..." I let out an awkward kind of laugh as he stared at my face. He looked deep in thought. So I tried urging him on. "Let's keep going." I tried. No movement.
After a few moments he seemed to unfreeze again, inhaling deeply. "Yes, your right. We don't want to get too cold." He turned forward again, but his left arm snaked its way around my hips. I froze, not quite sure what to do. He looked down at me carefully. "I'm sorry if that startled you, I just don't want you to slip and fall." He let on a small smile.
All I could do was smile and nod, and then start forward again. He walked right beside me, his arm around my waist the whole venture. As we walked up to the door of the diner he stepped forward and opened it, waiting for me to enter first. Normally I would make some flirty comment about him being a gentleman, but all I could do was smile and give a curt nod. Once inside I moved to stand and wait for him.
"Go find a place to sit. I have to check on something." He said with a slight smile playing at his lips, although the rest of his face was serious.
I found a nice spot by a big window, looking out onto the park behind the diner. I was looking out the window when Castiel returned and sat opposite me in the booth. Right then a waitress came up to us, pad and pen poised, ready to write.
"What'll it be?" She asked, giving us a full smile, teeth and all.
"What do you want?" Castiel asked me, still studying my face.
My mind went blank. "Whatever you're having. I'm not fussy," I replied with a smile.
"What's good here?" He asked, turning his gaze to the waitress. I studied the angle of his face, the line of his jaw, and realized just how beautiful of a face he had.
"Well it's all good, but our simple coffee is the best all around!" She replied giving us another winning smile.
"Then we'll get two cups of that please." He said.
"Comin' right up! Would you like anything to eat with that?" This time they both looked at me, and the look on her face suggested she thought I could use a sandwich.
I looked up at Cas and shook my head. "No thanks I'm good." I said looking back down at my hands.
I could feel Castiel's eyes on me. "I'm fine, thanks."
"Alrighty, two coffees comin' right up!" I heard her kitten heels click-click-click as she walked away. I hadn't looked up, and when I finally did, Castiel's eyes were still looking at my face.
"Why aren't you eating?" He asked, his face concerned yet questioning.
"I'm just not hungry right now." I said looking out the window at the snow that was starting to fall. It fell so slowly, like millions of tiny feathers, falling from the heavens.
Castiel's voice interrupted my wonders. "I don't mean right now. I mean at all." I turned to look at him, shocked. His voice had taken on a slightly angry edge. "I've been watching these last few weeks, and I've noticed that everywhere we go, you never eat with Sam and Dean. You rarely order anything, and when you do, you barely take two bites before you stop or run off somewhere else." He straightened up, realizing he had been leaning in and sounding rather angry. When he spoke again his voice had softened. "All I'm asking is why? Why aren't you eating?" He looked at me with the gentlest expression that made me want to cry. His eyes held the worries of a thousand, and the corners of his mouth were turned down in a slight frown. I had to take a moment to recover before I spoke, for fear or bursting into tears.
"I'm on a diet." I said, somehow knowing he wouldn't believe me.
"You're lying." He quickly retorted. I was right. "Why?" He looked rather dumbfound, like he didn't understand the implications at hand. I sighed and took a deep breath, looking at his face.
"If I tell you this, you have to promise to keep it to yourself. You can't even tell Sam and Dean, especially not them. Got it?" I said with a lot more ferocity than I meant to. Right then the waitress brought our coffee, and I found that I was the one straightening up for fear of people staring.
Castiel waited till the waitress was out of ear shot to reply. "Alright. I promise to protect this secret." He looked at me thoughtfully and quizzically, waiting for me to start. I studied his face for a moment, and could tell that he meant what he said. I didn't see any harm in telling Castiel the truth.
"Alright," looking at his face I took a deep breath and dove straight into telling him my story. See, being a teenage witch in a very southern-seeming high school is bat crap crazy. That's like signing your own death sentence. I didn't know that at the time I became Wiccan. I was lost and confused and I was the only one who didn't believe in god in a town full of Catholics. Or so I thought. There was an old woman who knew someone who knew someone who knew a witch. Not all Wiccan are witches, but most practice some form of magik. This old woman knew of my pain. I had just lost my mother, and this woman had been her mentor. He took me under her wing, helping me find my way through the use of magik. I was a natural, she said. Someone born to do magik. And I loved it.
Sadly the old woman died soon after, but she left me with lots. One day I decided to show my best friend the magik. I did a simple spell and grew a tiny white snowdrop flower. Little did I know that would terrify her. She ran out of the room at school we were in, screaming I was the devil for all to hear. That's when life started to get bad. But it only worsened as I aged. It was only to scare me, but nothing could ever make me stop doing magik. The worst thing they did was what had happened that past summer, right before I entered my final year at that school. After that I never went back.
I was out doing some shopping for my dad, who had become a total hermit. As I finished I was walking home, which was a ways out of town. I felt like someone was watching me, following me. As I reached the edge of town and stepped out of the last of the light being cast by the street lights, multiple hands were on me. They grabbed my hands and legs, causing me to trip and fall and drop my bag. Soon after the hands were pulling me up, more warped around me. An arm snaked around my waist from behind, and a hand covered my mouth, preventing me from screaming. The hands carried me out far out into a field. I struggled to break free, connecting a few hits, but each time I broke away from one hand, two replaced it. From the swears that aroused when I hit them, I could tell the captors holding me where male, but I could tell people followed, and more were waiting up ahead.
Suddenly they dropped me in the dirt. I was on my stomach trying to scramble away, but someone grabbed my wrists and held them behind my back with one hand, and wrapped their other arm around my neck, pulling my head back against their chest. He was much taller and stronger than me. I tried kicking, but soon people had my legs, keeping my feet on the ground and spread apart. It was dark, but there was enough moonlight to see that they were all wearing masks. One of them stepped in front of me, getting up in my face.
"Look who it is! The stupid witch. I wonder who this bitch has tortured with spells. Maybe we should torture her!" I heard lots of mumbling all around me, all angry, all encouraging the boy in front of me. He turned back to me. "Why do monsters have such ugly taste in clothes? To think you try and look like us." The hand around my neck made it impossible for me to make any noise, and I struggled to breath. I couldn't move at all with all the hands gripping me. Their continual beating was interrupted by the approaching voices of girls. As the girls came into the field, I saw they weren't wearing masks.
"Oh my! You boys certainly got busy." One of the girls sneered as she looked at me, hands on her hips. "Can we get this show on the road? I snuck out and can't be here long!" She complained. One of the boys who had been hitting me pulled off his mask. He was the quarterback for our school team. I'm pretty sure the girl he was talking to was head cheerleader, but I couldn't be sure, because slight lack of oxygen had my vision starting to get all hazy.
"... but I want to get her bloody first." I caught the quarterback saying. With that he came back towards me. "I hope this hurts, bitch!" He pulled back his fist and shot it forward, punching me square in the nose. My vision went all blurry, and the people holding me dropped me. No sooner than I hit the dirt did he grab me shirt, lift me up and punch me again. And again. And again. Finally he threw me back down in the dirt. I coughed and sputtered on my own blood. I heard people cheering. I tried to get up and someone kicked me in the stomach. Again and again, people kicked me from all over. I curled into a ball waiting for it to end. As soon as it did, someone grabbed my arm and hauled me up. They started dragging me off somewhere.
We were by an old barn, with an old, dead tree beside it that looked like nothing but a giant post in the ground. Looking back I could see it was the perfect stake. They shoved me at the tree. They pulled me up onto an exposed root and tied my hands behind the tree. I was too weak to resist. Next they hammered a nail into the rope binding my hands to the tree. As they stood there and laughed at me, they threw innards at me that they must have gotten from the butcher.
"Here you witch! Take this!" Harder and harder they threw them, calling me things like freak, monster, and worse things that weren't even true. When the pelting stopped and all I heard was laughter, I dared to look up. There I saw her, my ex best friend, who had been there for me through everything. She stood there with something bloody in her hand. Everyone cheered her on. She looked at me with a look of complete hatred. Without warning she threw whatever she was holding at me, catching me in the face. With that there was laughter of all kinds. I lowered my head and let silent tears slip down my face. At that moment something broke in me.
I don't know when, but soon enough people left, and by dawn I was alone. I no longer cried. I no longer felt anything but empty and shattered. Soon enough that day the cops found me, and took me in. My father was frantic waiting at the station when we got there. He took me home and cleaned me up. I never said a word, never gave a loud breath for the next week. When I started school, I knew who had done it, but I no longer cared. There were pictures of me everywhere, bloody, exposed, and tied to that tree. I didn't care anymore. I became more and more closed off. My teachers acted like I wasn't there. The cops never investigated. Everyone knew what I was, but they pretended I was invisible. Those who didn't were just plain cruel. I walked the halls as a ghost. It's a shame that a fifteen year old would have to suffer through that torture.
Even now, five months later, sitting in that diner with Castiel, I felt the hollow nothingness that had swallowed me up. I told him that story, and many others, and explained to him how I'd become depressed and anorexic and all my other problems. I left out that I was a cutter. That was a completely separate issue.
"I don't understand... Why those kids reacted the way they did." He pondered as he looked at me. His face was so full of emotion, sadness, compassion, anger at the kids who hurt me.
"They were scared." I stated simply, stirring sugar into my third coffee. We'd been at the diner for a long time. "I know that might not make sense, but they thought the only way to not fear me was to defeat me, rise above me. To them I am a monster who must be slain in order to feel safe." My hands gripped my mug so hard I saw my knuckles turning white. Castiel laid his hand on top of mine. I looked up, my lips parting in shock.
"I'm sorry." he said, looking me in the eyes.
"For what?" I asked so softly that it was almost a whisper. I was utterly confused about what he was apologizing more.
What he said next surprised me even more. He took my hand in his, and with a fierce intensity he looked me right in the eye. "If I knew you then, I never would have let that happen to you. I would have stopped it, and made sure those kids never harmed you again." The anger in his voice scared me slightly. I didn't understand. What would he have done to them...?
"It's okay I'm fine. No permanent damage." I removed my hands from my mug and took his hands, a surprisingly brave move on my part. "There's nothing that can be done. Past is the past, and I've moved on." I looked him in the eyes with the most intensity I could muster without losing it. Slowly I saw that anger drain from his eyes and I knew he was calming down.
Slowly, carefully, as if I might crumble like ash, he folded my hands together and held them in his. They fit easily, since my hands were so small. I watched him as he studied my face, looking at all the curves and lines and angles. Finally he spoke. "Never again will that happen to you. I won't allow it. If anything is ever wrong just call for me and I will come as soon as I can," he looked back to my eyes. "I promise I will protect you for as long as you may live." He looked down at our hands, mine hidden, protected, by his. He opened his hands, and mine rested on his, palm to palm. I watched as his thumbs stroked the back of my hands ever so lightly. I felt like putty, like I never wanted him to stop. "You have such soft hands." Cas mused, seemingly forgetting about our previous conversation. Before I could respond, our waitress walked up.
"Will you be needing anything else?" She gave us her award-winning smile, looking at our faces, not our hands.
I looked at Castiel's face while he responded. "Just a piece of pie. To go please." When she walked away he looked back to me with a grin "I bet Dean will like it." I couldn't help but smile at Dean and his love for pie.
As we walked back to our motel we talked about the case, and what our next move should be. Me being me, I managed to slip, falling backwards. No sooner than I lost my balance had Castiel's right arm slid around. He pulled me back up and in front of him.
"What did I say about ice?" He looked at me completely serious. I couldn't help it, and I started to laugh. It grew and grew until finally, Castiel smiled and chuckled to himself, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry," I said between breaths "I'm just really clumsy." I held on to his right shoulder, and he kept his arm around my waist again as we continued to walk back, resuming talk about the case.
When we returned to my room, Dean wasn't there anymore. We headed next door, pie in hand. Last minute I had decided to order burgers for the boys as well, and they were happy for the food. As they ate I sat down on the couch. Soon after Cas sat down beside me. I found myself exhausted and soon drifting off.