Hi there! Just FYI, this fanfiction is SUPPOSED to be full of fanfiction cliches because I was feeling slightly bored. I hope you enjoy it and maybe find it humorous. If you like it, please tell me so in the reviews section and I hope you read my other stories too.
Summary: The golden trio are back for their repeated seventh year at Hogwarts but they soon find themselves in just the tiniest bit of trouble when a Mary Sue makes her untimely appearance. Of course there is also the problem of Mark...
All the seventh years from last year were back in the great hall for their repeated final year. Harry was with his friends in the corner of the hall, chatting away about their holidays and the new subjects. "What do you think the therapy class is going to be about?" He asked.
"Maybe about therapy?" Ron answered, his mouth full of food.
"For once, I think Ron is right", Hermione commented seriously, although Harry could see a smile growing.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Ron complained good naturedly.
Their conversation was interrupted by the headmistress coughing to get their attention.
"Attention all students! Please take your seats as the sorting will soon take place!"
All the students went back to their house tables and the golden trio found seats next to Ginny, who was talking to one of her friends. She greeted them as they sat down and Harry blushed.
Professor McGonagall started the sorting ceremony.
The new students looked nervous as they were sorted into one of the four houses. Finally, one girl was left. She was tall and beautiful and her hair was absolutely luxurious. Most of the male population started whispering when they saw her except for a few such as Ron; who was too busy stuffing his mouth, and Draco Malfoy; who saw himself above things such as girls.
Even Professor McGonagall smiled when she saw her. "This", she said, "is Lyra Scorpia Di Janero Riddle-Snape. She fought Voldemort's allies in other parts of the world and her bloodline is traced back to all of the 28 wizarding families. I am not prejudiced against blood but this means she is the strongest wizard in the world; no talent required however she is very talented all the same. She was raised with a muggle family because her parents died when she was born. Most of you might be thinking why she looks so old; that is because she didn't have the chance to go to school however her age is that of a seventh grader and she will be sorted the same."
At this, Lyra gracefully sat onto the stool and McGonagall placed the hat on top of her head.
Everyone watched in silence as the hat contemplated its decision. Finally, it spoke and everyone was shocked at what it said.
"Slytherindor Clawpuff!" It called out.
There was a huge silence.
"My, my", McGonagall said.
Lyra gracefully smiled and began gracefully talking as she gracefully walked towards the Gryffindor table. Her lips moved gracefully. Her words were graceful and sounded like a graceful songbird; one of those graceful green ones that have graceful orange spots.
"I am so honoured to be in every house, however I will sit at the Gryffindor table because I feel that I will fare best there!"
Hermione snorted, "Who is she to decide? It's not like she's the headmistress or something!"
McGonagall spoke again, "Oh and I forgot to tell you, Lyra gave me an amazing idea, since I have taught for so long, she said that she would gracefully take my place as headmistress for the rest of her life!"
Everyone gasped, then slowly most of the male population started clapping. "Go Lyra!" They cheered. Then the rest of the male population, the teachers and the entire female population glared at them and they wisely shut their mouths.
Hermione was confused. This was not how it was supposed be, something was wrong. So as always, she went to the library straight after the sorting. Looking through the books she finally found one on something called 'Mary Sues'. After reading the introduction she gave an exclamation of delight; it was exactly what she wanted. Putting the book in her bag, she turned around to leave the library when she almost crashed into someone leaning against the bookshelf. It was Malfoy.
"Watch where you're going, Granger!"
She rolled her eyes and was about to walk past the Slytherin blond when an idea popped into her head. "You know that new girl Lyra?" she asked slowly.
"Yeah? You mean that Mary Sue?" he answered, his grey eyes intensely staring at her
Hermione's heart stopped. "Y-you know about it?" she asked, astonished.
"Obviously, there is no pureblood wizard who is a direct descendant of all the 28 wizarding families. I learnt about Mary Sues during the classes I have to take at home on pureblood etiquette and customs."
"Wow", Hermione breathed.
Malfoy gave her a small smile.
Suddenly growing uncomfortable, she excused herself and went back to her common room. She relaxed on one of the sofas and started reading the book on Mary Sues. The cover had a photo of an extremely pretty woman which Hermione was sure had been the subject of an intense photoshop scandal on the Muggle News a few years ago. She snorted and skipping the author's note, turned to the first chapter.
Chapter 1: What are Mary Sues?
Mary Sues are people who are perfect in every way, except for one thing. They are not real. Mary Sues are usually created by people wanting to get revenge or just as a joke. The first Mary Sue was created during the a wizengamot meeting in 1765, when one of the members decided to distract everyone with a Mary Sue so that a new law of their choice could be passed. Mary Sues usually claim to be related to great wizarding families and have a tragic past. They have powers that most people don't have and they usually look very beautiful. Mary Sues can't apply their power to people of the same gender although it can sometimes happen, very rarely, if it is a particularly strong one.
A surprising fact is that Mary Sues can be self-created. They sometimes just pop up out of nowhere. To stop their enrapturing power, you must explain to their victim about what they are.
E.G: Victim: That person is just so wonderful!
You: No it's not, It's a Mary Sue which means it's not real!
Victim: Really! OMG, I never knew! Thanks so much!
There are many ways to get rid of a Mary Sue after being enlightened about them however they are not noted down as it can be very fun to think of ways to get rid of them. However, if the Mary Sue is a real problem, you can visit the Ministry of Magic and they will see if the situation is eligible for the Mary Sue to be removed. Examples are during exams, political debates etc.
A 'dying' Mary Sue has one last trick up their sleeve, 'The Charm'. To learn more, read Chapter 2: The Charm.
At that point Hermione got bored and stopped reading. Her mind was reeling after reading that chapter and she felt that she needed to inform the headmistress at once about the Mary Sue! Obviously McGonagall would have known about them but she might have forgotten once she fell under the Mary Sue's power.
She knocked on Professor McGonagall's door. "Come in", she heard. She walked in.
"Professor, the new girl Lyra is a Mary Sue!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Calm down, Miss Granger. Now please tell me why you need to talk to me".
"Professor, I have realised that the reason the new girl Lyra is so likeable is because she is not real! She's a Mary Sue! I think now you will remember what a Mary Sue is!"
Professor McGonagall looked at Hermione intently for a moment and then slowly shook her head as if she was waking up in a daze.
"I believe you Miss Granger. Now I remember how Lyra had possessed me almost and I can't believe I let myself fall under her spell! I must go and announce myself as the headmistress once again."
Hermione gave her a relieved smile. "It's not your fault, professor, and I'm glad that you understand"
McGonagall returned her smile wearily and left the room to set things right after Hermione left.
Hermione walked hurriedly to the great hall with her friends, trying to convince them about the Mary Sue issue. It was surprisingly easy.
"You see Hermione, I was too busy eating the delicious meal so I didn't fall under her spell and maybe that's why it's so easy for you to convince me. And Harry was too busy being happy because of Voldemort's death."
Hermione looked at Ron in surprise. "Since when did you get so smart?"
"I reckon he always had it in him but it only comes out after he stops eating too much for a week", Harry replied.
Ron groaned, "And when was that?"
"When we were camping, remember?"
Hermione chuckled. "Well I'm glad this worked out", she said happily.
They reached the great hall and sat down at the Gryffindor table where Ginny was waiting for them. "Do you know why we are here?" She asked absentmindedly while she stared at the-boy-who-lived.
"It's probably because of the Mary Sue issue", Hermione said.
"What's that?", Ginny asked.
"It's about the new girl", Hermione replied. "It won't affect you though."
They all fell silent as McGonagall began to speak.
"Everyone, I am here to speak about an impending issue which our wonderful head girl, Hermione fortunately enlightened me of. The new gir-
She was cut off by the great hall doors slamming open and Lyra walking in.
"I thought I was the head girl, Professor?"
The headmistress glared at her, much to her confusion.
"Also I'm holding a party to celebrate me becoming the headmistress!"
Professor McGonagall looked like she could have murdered someone. "Will you kindly SHUT YOUR FLAPPERS WOMAN!"
Everyone gasped at the headmistress's language however she ignored them.
"Take a seat Lyra! As I was saying, Lyra here is a MARY SUE! She is just a magical embodiment, either born naturally or created by someone for their own purposes."
Everyone silently took this in while Hermione grinned triumphantly and Lyra glared at her with a murderous look on her face.
"Mary Sues are supposed to be perfect and they can be gotten rid of in many different ways which the victims have to think of themselves."
This sparked some conversation as friends turned to each other to think of ways they could get rid of the monstrosity.
"Does everyone understand?" McGonagall's voice rang out.
"Yes!" The student body chorused.
"B-b-but you can't!" Lyra protested.
"Oh yes we can", Hermione replied evilly.
She turned around to grin at Harry and Ron however she was met with the face of a tall blond ferret. Sorry, a tall blond Slytherin. "She's not so perfect now, is she?" He asked her.
She blushed, "No?"
Hermione hurriedly walked off with Harry and Ron, her heart hammering wildly which she blamed on her 'hectic' morning.
"Do you want to try to get rid of the Mary Sue?" Ron asked her as they headed to their next class.
"Sure!" Hermione replied.
"It should keep us on our feet since old Voldy isn't here to do that anymore", Harry added jokingly which earned him a punch from Hermione.
The trio then hurried off to Care of Magical Creatures where Hagrid had fallen asleep due to a late night of looking after sick pygmy puffs (the poor thing). Nobody decided to call a teacher so they could resume their lesson however Hermione was sorely tempted.
The class spent the hour and half ambling around and talking to their friends.
"Maybe we could use the ridikulus curse on Lyra". Hermione said.
"That's an excellent idea!" Ron exclaimed. "We could also try other stuff"
They snuck up behind Lyra who was animatedly seeking sympathy from Ernie Macmillian who seemed unsure of what to do, other than standing there and nodding his head while he tried to edge away. Hannah Abbot was also listening although her face was distraught from hearing about Lyra's past.
"And then the Death Eaters that escaped Azkaban stormed into my house and tortured my cat. Then they killed my parents. Then me and my parents escaped and had to live in a forest; I was only 1 month old!"
"Wait, didn't you say your parents were killed?" It was Ernie.
"Oh be quiet Ernie! She's obviously feeling quite depressed". Hannah chided.
"Then the death eaters came and killed me and my parents but I survived! Then I killed all of them and Voldemort too and I had a depressing childhood with my muggle aunt and uncle and my fat cousin! And then my aunt and uncle killed my parents and tortured them!"
"The uncle and cousin bit sounds a bit like Harry's life…" Ernie mentioned suspiciously.
"And then Voldemort came back and he tortured me! Then I killed him but didn't manage to save my parents who he killed! Also I'm quite depressed because last summer he killed my parents!"
"OH MY", Hannah breathed.
"By the way I have to go now but I'll tell you about the time my parents died in a car crash later. That's how I got my scar though."
"You have a scar?!"
"Yeah it's star shaped and is on my upper arm…"
"Cool! Bye!"
Lyra turned around and came face to face with Ron.
"RIDIKULUS!"
"AAAAAAHHHHH!"
"Wow she died!"
They looked at the body on the floor. It moved.
"Oh snap, she didn't die", Ron said sadly.
"Well now we know that screaming RIDIKULUS doesn't kill her. What do we do with her now?"
Unknown to the trio, the RIDIKULUS curse had affected the Mary Sue, and it had triggered THE CHARM… If only Hermione had read Chapter 2 which was about the Mary Sue's last defence.
She stirred slowly. "Where am I?" she asked sleepily.
In the soft sunlight she looked enchanting and Harry and Ron were entranced. "I-I-I'm sorry Lyra!" Ron threw himself down at her feet and began sobbing. "I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me! Will you forgive me?"
"I apologize too Lyra even though I don't know what I did!" Harry threw himself down at Lyra's feet, pushing Ron over a bit so he could have space.
Hermione stared at them in outrage but found herself slowly feeling bad for the girl on the floor next to her two best friends. "Sorry Lyra", she muttered.
"It's okay! I forgive all of you but I just want one thing!"
"What?" They all asked.
"Will you be my best friends?"
"SuRe We WiLl LyRa! We cAn Be ThE gOlDeN qUaDrUpLeTs!"
The new friends then walked to the great hall together for lunch. On the way, something tRaGiC happened.
"Hey Hermione?" Ron asked.
"Yeah?"
"I think you'd look really pretty with your hair tied back", he said.
Hermione froze and glared at him. "You are so RUDE Ron! I thought we were fRiEnDs! I'm sorry but I need some time away from you…"
She walked off leaving Harry and Ron confused, scratching their heads.
Anyway, Hermione was so mad that she left the wizarding world and lived as a muggle because that is SOOO not abusing her muggleborn heritage.
Then Lyra came up to them and she smiled and Harry and Ron instantly forgot their troubles. Then Mark came up to Lyra and he said, "Wow Lyra, I just wanted to say, I think you're pretty".
In case you're wondering who Mark is, join me in this flashback:
Lyra determinedly strode through the hallways until she found her target. The boy sat sobbing on the floor and she sighed with sympathy oozing out of her pores. She sat down next to him and comforted him. "Hush, hush, it's fine, you'll be alright", she said slowly.
"It's not alright!" He yelled desperately.
"What's the problem?" She asked.
"W-w-why i-is my n-n-name D-d-draco?" He sobbed.
"Never mind" She said bravely, "your name is now Mark."
"Ummmmmm."
"Bye Mark!"
END FLASHBACK
Harry and Ron stared at Mark. "Who are you!" they exclaimed.
"I'm Mark now but you should know who I am because I still look EXACTLY the same".
This confused Harry and Ron because apparently they're very dumb so then Mark suddenly became attractive out of nowhere.
"Lyra, oh Lyra, will you-
Mark was cut off by Lyra squealing in agreement.
-tie my shoelaces?"
Lyra froze. Then she screeched. A screech so terrible, all occupants within a 197cm radius heard her. It was truly terrible. Then she wailed. A wail which was also very terrible and hurt the ears of all occupants within a 237cm radius. Mark, Harry and Ron watched in horror as she seemed to shrivel up and collapse into a pile of ashes.
This caused all victims of The Charm to regain their senses. Mark was never a victim of The Charm yet his mind still cleared up.
"W-w-why i-is my n-n-name M-m-mark?" he moaned.
"It's okay Mark", Harry said comfortingly and proceeded to book a weeklong vacation to Greece.
Ron and Mark watched in bewilderment as Harry specified his age and gender. Their thoughts were interrupted when Hermione barreled towards Ron and enveloped him in a hug.
"I'm so sorry I overreacted and went to live in the muggle world for 2 ½ minutes. It just always happens to me in bad fanfictions."
Ron grinned and hugged her back. Then Harry groaned because the travel agency didn't accept galleons but smiled when he saw Hermione.
"How did Lyra die?" She asked, staring at the pile of ashes when she was informed of the Mary Sue's untimely death.
"I think it was because Mark, I mean Malfoy broke her heart."
Hermione burst into laughter and soon everyone joined in.
The trio then set off for lunch, leaving poor Mark behind.
"Wait for me", Mark called.
Hermione groaned, "why do you want to come, Malfoy?"
"Because my name is now Mark and I don't know what to do", he started sobbing.
Hermione rolled her eyes and hugged him briefly because she was a kind and considerate person. "Come on then Mark."
He screamed, "I am not Mark! I am Draco!"
She pulled him by his sleeve to the great hall where Harry and Ron were waiting. "Oh just shut up Malfoy."
He did however, notice the small smile she gave him as she walked to the Gryffindor table.
I hope you enjoyed that and also I'm slightly sorry for adding a bit of Dramione in there. I couldn't resist... Please review and follow me for more stories from the Harry Potter fandom and from the Artemis Fowl fandom too. Bye!