Title: INTERNAL DAMAGE REPORT
Author: Kate Davis
Category: J/C
Rating: G
Spoilers: Season 4 episodes following 'Message in a Bottle'.
Archive: Please email me for permission before archiving.
Summary: An alternative ending to the Season 4 episode 'Hunters'. Janeway's thoughts and her reactions to the message from home. J/C.
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created purely for entertainment purposes and no one made any money from it. No infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.

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Captain Janeway placed the padd precariously on the edge of the table. After the reading the message it contained for the millionth time, only now was it beginning to sink in. She sighed - a soft, slow sigh of realisation. Of culmination. Of the end.

She moved to the window seat in her darkened quarters, and stared out at the vast universe, letting her thoughts fly unrestrained through the stars.

Mark had gotten married. And it wasn't to her. She couldn't even bring herself to say the words out loud. Even if they made it home, no one would be waiting for her at the space station. He wouldn't take her in his arms, kiss her lovingly and whisper that he never wanted her to go away again. This time, she would have listened.

She didn't know how long it was before the first tear slipped silently down her cheek. She had tried to keep it in, but once the first one had fallen, they all seemed to spill out easily and the light from a nearby moon picked them up as than ran down her face.

The first time she'd read the message, the news had sliced cleanly through her heart and scrambled her insides. Mark had respected her - he anticipated her needs. He could make her feel special from the other side of the room, without uttering a word. The looks they had shared were conveyance of a deep understanding and of love.

But her thoughts kept drifting to someone else. Another person who made her feel the same way - someone she would never allow to get that close. Someone she was determined to resist.

Each time she had read the message, she realised she wasn't as devastated as she should have been. She recognised that what she really felt was relief - a sense of freedom. Happy that he was happy and that he was going on living out his life. Yet sad that he could stop waiting, decide she was never coming back to him, grieve her loss, recover, find someone else, fall in love and commit to her within three years, and she wondered if perhaps they weren't meant to be after all.

Somebody activated her door chime, and she managed an automatic "Come in", before turning her face away from the light.

A tall figure enters her quarters. "Captain, are you in here? Are you coming to the party? Computer, lights at twenty-five per cent."

"No!" she called, but too late and the illumination betrayed her.

"Kathryn, have you been crying? Are you all right?"

"I'm, I'm, I'm fine, Chakotay..." but she could hardly finish his name without blubbering pitifully.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I need to be alone for awhile."

"There's no need to apologise. You shouldn't hold in your pain. It will destroy you in the end."

Kathryn could manage only a brief nod in agreement. She thought carefully about how much she wanted Chakotay to know about her innermost feelings. She wondered whether she should just excuse herself, join in the party and avoid dealing with her personal issues - like she had been doing somewhat successfully for years. Until now.

"Talk to me, Kathryn. It's about what's in your letter, isn't it?"

She nodded again and gave him a sad smile. He always knew how to get her talking and was the only person on board she could ever hope would understand.

"I think I knew we would never be together again..." she paused, knowing she'd have to tell him now. And they rarely kept secrets from each other.

"Go on", Chakotay gently encouraged.

"We're only three years into our journey and we have such a long way to go. I'm sad because deep down I know I fell out of love with him a long time ago. And yet I feel betrayed. Even though he's gone through the same feelings I have. I have only loved three people outside my family my whole life. There have only been three people that I have imagined myself with for the rest of it. Three people who I feel I couldn't live without and never wanted to. One was my Academy love, Justin. I thought the world of him and loved him very much. He died while I was still a young woman - I never thought I could go on without him. Eventually I learned that no matter how deep the feeling goes, you can move on in the end. Then I met Mark. He taught me that you can have those feelings more than once in a lifetime and that that's okay. He never minded about my travels - he always said he would wait for my return. He said that this time too. But he didn't. I wonder how long he did wait. A year? Two? That's not showing much faith in me. We had been deeply in love."

"And the third?"

She looked up sharply at him, trying to figure out if he had already read her mind and knew exactly what she was implying. It would hardly be the first time he'd done that.

"Well. He has proved his loyalty to me on many occasions. He knows all my faults and yet embraces them. He too anticipates my needs, and even though we often have differing views, he trusts my judgement he has faith in me that he will never doubt. More importantly, he respects that I'm dealing with so many things at once, I forget to deal with things going on inside of me. He accepts I have repressed many feelings and thoughts that I have never let show - and never assumes that I will release them. And I love him all the more for it."

"And this man... in time... will he ever be allowed to see these thoughts - know these feelings and ask you a question he desperately wants to know the answer too?"

Kathryn could have contemplated his question for hours. There were so many reasons she couldn't say anything. And so many reasons why she should. She'd tried to rationalise and simplify the erratic thought patterns of her brain, but she kept arriving at a single thought: her greatest friend had never been, and would never be, just a friend. She reached out, put her hand on top of his and gently closed her eyes.

"You know what, Chakotay?" She opened her eyes slowly and with a sudden bout of confidence, looked straight into his. "I think he just got his answer."

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Copyright © AUGUST 2000 Kate Davis

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