Disclaimer: All canon characters, plots and situations from the Harry Potter series belong to JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.
Beta love: AshesofLauren
A/N: This is a little nonsense non magical AU alt format drarry drabble inspired by a prompt and aesthetic done by a friend. In the future I may add this to a short story collection but until then this is a stand alone.
Confessions
Lee: Good Morning, Honeybadgers! It's another sunny and sinful day here at H.U. and you are listening to Confessions with Lee and Lavender. I'm Lee Jordan.
Lavender: And I'm… I'm hungover.
Lee: Seriously, guys you should see Lav right now. She looks like a giant bumble bee in her huge yellow hoodie and gigantic black sunglasses.
Lee laughs
Save that middle finger for your girlfriend, Brown. Aaaaanyway. This is our Feisty Friday Edition of Confessions and we have a caller on the line. Caller, our producers say you have a little problem with your roommate.
Caller: Hi. Uh, hi. Yeah. So, yes. That's right.
Lavender groans loudly.
Lavender: Uuuugh. Get to the gossip, sweetie. My patience is thinner than normal.
She pulls the drawstring of her hoodie to close the hood around her face framing her giant round shades. She slumps in her chair
Lee: That's saying a lot. But seriously, so what is going on with your roommate? Is he trashing the place? An Oscar to your Felix. Eat all your ramen?
Caller: Ramen? Oh, God no. Dr- He would jump off the Science building before he even looked at that. My chicken flavored noodle stash is safe. No. Um. So I've been living with this guy since the beginning of the school year. I put an ad in the paper for a roommate last year after I left my fraternity. I fell into this apartment off campus and I wanted to focus on my third year instead of Greek politics for once, but the rent sucked so I needed help.
He seemed like a nice enough guy, but I haven't been able to focus at all.
Lee: Ah,I had this issue last year. Always bringing birds home. Loud sex. My next door neighbor is a screamer… the money I've wasted on white noise machines has been astronomical.
Lavender: Oh yeah. That's so annoying. Buy a ball gag if you can't keep it together.
Lee: Lav, YOU are my next door neighbor.
Lavender: Christmas ideas? You know I can't keep it together. Don't act so surprised.
Caller: No. Not quite. He's gorgeous and I think I'm falling in love with him. Which is a problem, obviously. I mean, he's my roommate. So, about a month after he moved in I started having the dreams. He's an athlete and fit. He is extremely fit. I shouldn't be thinking about my roommate like this. I thought about asking him to move out but then it was already into the semester. I couldn't find another roommate.
Lavender: More like wouldn't. Can't lose prime eye candy and unlimited spank bank material. Am I right?!
Obscene hand gestures are made.
Lee: Keep it in your pants, Brown.
Caller: Uh. Sure. I guess. Well, anyway I threw myself into my studies. I'm a Political Science and History major and I already had a fuck load of papers assigned. I may have let myself go a bit and stopped shaving, which was fine by me. I've always hated that whole process anyway. It's been a bit and at first he made snarky comments about how I looked homeless or how I clearly have the grooming habits of a neanderthal.
Lavender: Charming. So, I take it you two are best friends.
Caller: He's a little rough around the edges. He's old school money and it comes off a little pretentious and it's really fucking annoying, but also really hot. Fuck. Are you sure my voice is altered enough?
Lee and Lavender: Oh, yeah. Totally.
Caller's voice is absolutely not altered. Not even a little.
Caller: Thank God. Ok, so we were also both in rival fraternities and I hated him during pledge week because we were put against each other a lot. But that was two years ago. I try to give him his space in the apartment. Honestly, I don't even know why he needed a roommate. I mean… he has money. Anyway. Last Thursday night he comes stumbling in. I was making coffee in the kitchen to prep for an all nighter and he looks me dead in the eye and says, "Ugh, that fucking facial hair. If you know what's good for you you'll shave that monstrosity. If you get any more handsome I'll be forced to fuck you."
Lavender: WHAT?!
Lee: I'm sorry… WHAT?!
Lavender: That is fucking hot as hell. I may need to change my pa-
Lee: Shush. Ok, so… Caller… what happened after that?
Caller: He went in his room. Leaving me with my jaw on the floor.
Lavender: And a raging hard on in your pants. Am I right?
Lee: Good God, woman. Calm down. I see you're wide eyed awake now.
Lavender takes off sunglasses. Cracks open an energy drink
Lavender: Well, shit just got interesting.
Caller: Nervous laughter is heard through the line. Um. Well, yeah. Yeah, that too. Well, now I want to grow this beard out. I want that. I want that bad. So, now what? Do I just grow it out? Do I move out? Do I say something? No one knows I am into men. I'm not sure how to navigate this. I don't even think he remembers or realizes he said it. He was drunk. What if he didn't mean it?
Lavender: Ok. So in summary. You have a lumbersexual roommate - which by the way how very 2014 of him. He wants to have angry hate sex with you and you want to let him but you don't know how to tell him so?
Lee: Don't say lumbersexual, Lav. It wasn't a thing then and it isn't a thing now. Also, I'm sure its offensive as fuck.
Lavender: Yes, and I'm offensive as fuck. Keep up, Jordan.
Caller: I mean I guess you could put it that way. Keys jingle on his end of the line.
Fuck. I gotta go. He's here.
Caller accidentally puts phone on speaker instead of hanging up
Caller: I thought you were usually out of the apartment on Friday mornings. Don't you have class or something?
A voice: Oh, I'm sorry do I not live here? Are you expecting someone that you'd rather not involve your roommate in? Running an underground sex ring, Potter?
Lee: Mutes their end of the call Oh, shit this IS good.
Producer runs in.
Hermione: We are going to go to a commercial.
Lee: Are you kidding? This is fucking radio gold!
Hermione: It's a gross invasion of privacy.
Lee: He agreed to terms when he spoke with us before we went on air. This is fair game, Granger.
Hermione: Fine. But it's on your heads. I am not getting involved.
Caller: So, you don't have class on -
A voice: I go to the gym on Friday mornings. I'm training. I forgot my ipod this morning so I had to listen to that shit they play on the speakers. Today it was that shit college radio show.
Caller: … oh.
A voice: Oh? He says "oh".
Lavender grabs a bowl of popcorn from under the desk.
On the line the new voice gets closer
A Voice: Scared, Potter?
Caller: You wish.
Lavender: OhmygodOhmygod
Kissing and heavy breathing is heard.
A Voice: Took you long enough.
Caller: I didn't do anything. YOU kissed ME. You said you wanted to fuck ME.
A Voice: I said I would fuck you. There's a distinction.
Caller: So you do remember saying it? You weren't drunk?
A Voice: I AM IN would I get smashed when I'm working so hard to get my mile times shortened?
Caller: It was one in the morning and you stank of the pub.
A Voice: I can have a social life and be sober. You talk too much and I have a promise to keep. My room or yours? I've been waiting for this moment since I saw your ad in the paper.
His voice lowers to a whisper. Falling in love with me?
A heavy exhale is heard followed by more kissing.
A Voice: And also. Your phone is still on.
*click*