Finding Vesuvius

Author's Note: So initially I wasn't planning on actually writing this story. The idea popped into my head months ago after I read Until Tuesday, which is the book this story was inspired by. I was content with just letting it play out as a daydream type thing since I didn't feel like I knew enough about either of the main topics to actually write it out formally. Then when I was having a hard day and couldn't sleep, I decided to just sit down and write. The idea really took over, and I couldn't stop. I did some research to try and make this realistic, but I also tried to leave things a bit vague as well. It makes my "holy cow how did that end up so long" stories seem short in comparison (plus I already have ideas for a sequel and maybe a trilogy depending on the response). Yeah. Anyway, without further ado, I give you, Finding Vesuvius.

Chapter One - Now

The pounding on her apartment door was sending explosions of pain through her head at the level the inconsiderate knocker could not even begin to comprehend. Olivia Benson cradled her throbbing head in her hands and stifled a groan. Not only was the banging near cataclysmic on her head, she had to somehow get to the door and answer it. Before the ten steps it would take to reach it wouldn't have caused her even a moment of grief, but now… Well, now was different. Everything that had been was over, and she could never get it back.

"Olivia?" a voice called anxiously from the other side.

Apparently just sitting here wasn't going to make her visitor go away. She slowly pushed herself to her feet and started toward the door.

Outside of Olivia's apartment, Nick Amaro was doing everything he could to clamp down on his growing worry. He knew Olivia had to be home; she rarely went out anymore. He also knew there were many reasons why it could take her a long time to answer the door. Not all of those reasons were bad either. No, bad wasn't the right word. Not all of those reasons were cause for him to consider getting the super to open the door or finding a way in himself. He wouldn't have even considered that in the first years of their partnership, but that was before. Now he was nearly jumping out of his skin with worry and resisting the urge to pace back and forth in front of her door. Barely. Nick had just about reached his breaking point when he heard her call out.

"I'm coming."

It was like opening a lid on a pressure cooker, all of the worry whooshing out like steam. She was okay. Nick felt himself start breathing normally again and started to school his face into something that wouldn't piss Olivia off. Of course, she could become dangerously angry over the smallest things these days. That was when she was having a day where she cared about anything, and those were coming fewer and farther between.

When the door finally creaked open Nick flashed Olivia a gentle smile which she returned with a blank stare. Even so long after the accident every time he saw Olivia it was like a knife to the soul. The usually vibrant, determined woman was gone and replaced with a shell that barely resembled the original. Her skin held a greyish cast, though thankfully it wasn't quite as bad as it had been in the days following the accident. The dark circles under her eyes stood out vividly against her skin. Worst of all was the dull pain in her eyes. It ran so deep that he wasn't sure he could find the bottom if he stared into the abyss of her eyes for hours at a time. So much pain and he couldn't even guess how much was more than physical. A while ago the sweats and slightly disheveled hair would have concerned him. By this point he'd come to expect it.

"Hey. Just wanted to check in." He waved a hand toward the door. "May I?"

"No," Olivia thought. "No, you may not. Just go away. Please. Just go away."

She didn't want to deal with Nick. It was too painful and brought up memories of everything she had lost. She could do that well enough on her own. Instead of sharing any of those thoughts though she sighed and took a wobbly step back.

"Yeah."

Without waiting to see him walk in she turned, using the wall lightly for support, and started back toward the couch at a slow pace. Nick watched her in silence before he closed the door gently behind him. He couldn't stop his eyes from drifting down to her hands. They were trembling visibly. Again a rush of guilt washed over him. If only they had… but, no. They'd all been through this before. Nothing else could have been done. They'd gotten there was fast as they could. But it hadn't been enough and now Olivia was paying the price.

"It's bad today, isn't it?"

Immediately Nick regretted the words as Olivia's expression hardened into a dark storm cloud.

"What? This?" she demanded bitterly as she lifted shaking hands for him to see. "No. Not really. At least I've only had one seizure so far today. That's something, right?"

Nick winced and glanced down. From anyone else that extreme level of sarcasm and hostility wouldn't have been tolerated. He would have been in their face immediately. After what had happened to Olivia though, he couldn't blame her for her tone.

"Is there anything I can do? Help with?"

Once again Olivia's eyes narrowed and she jerked to her feet. Apparently he'd stepped in it again. He should have been expecting that though. Everyone was walking on egg shells around her. Quite honestly, he wasn't sure there was anywhere safe to step now.

"Do? Help me? Tell me, Nick. Can you get me my job back? My license? My independence? My ability to leave my goddamn apartment? My life? Can you give me any of that, Nick?"

Every one of her demands sent another knife into him. It hurt even worse to know there was nothing he could do to fix any of it. She would never get her job back, and she would likely never drive again.

"I wish I could, Liv. Believe me."

"Yeah, thanks. That's really help…"

One minute she'd been in the middle of berating him and the next she was on the ground convulsing. Terror washed over Nick in a wave nearly as fast as the seizure had struck.

"Liv!"

The entire squad had seen Olivia suffer through more than one seizure before, but it never got any easier to see. Thankfully her body relaxed after only thirty seconds of shaking. Once she was still he gently ran his hand over her head to make sure she hadn't hurt herself. Not finding any blood, he sat down beside her to wait until she came to. Before long he heard her moan softly, and then her eyes fluttered open.

"Hey," he greeted softly.

She didn't respond and started to slowly push herself up.

"Easy."

Olivia shoved his offered hand away. Nick was expecting the dagger eyes too, but she wouldn't even look at him.

"Go, Nick. Please, just go."

Nick didn't want to leave her, but he wasn't going to have a choice. Olivia still had her pride. She hated that all of her weaknesses were incredibly visible now, and she was desperately trying to hold on to anything she could that would make her feel less pathetic. There wasn't much, but she tried.

"Olivia…"

"Go!"

Sighing, Nick pulled himself off the ground and headed to the door without argument. He turned back to look at her as he held the door open. While she'd managed to get to a mostly sitting position, she was still basically on the ground. Unmoving and with her head bowed, she looked incredibly defeated. Douglas Archer may have gotten life in prison, but in a way so had Olivia. She was just trapped in the prison of her own body.

Olivia remained on the ground, using her arms to keep herself propped up. It wasn't until she heard the door close that she allowed herself to move. She collapsed back onto the ground and curled into a ball. The first few tears started slowly, but soon enough she was sobbing uncontrollably. Her life had been far from fantastic, but she'd managed to take every bad curve and deal with it. She wanted to keep fighting, but what was the point now? Everything she'd worked so hard for had been stripped away. Right now she was living off her savings, disability, and her NYPD pension. That wasn't likely to ever change. Even if she did manage to recover something that might remotely resemble a normal life very few opportunities would ever be within her reach.