Fade Away :)
For my Tumblr Anon, I hope you like it xx XX xx
I don't know exactly how long I've been in here and how many nights I've spent without him, but all I know is that it feels like forever. I've tried to not know about his life, about what he does now that I'm am no longer with him, but then curiosity always did get the better of me. Being stuck in here gives me plenty of time to think and although I'm locked away, I still have my contacts on the outside. Steven stopped trying to see me after a while, even the letters stopped and I suppose I got suspicious. I didn't think he'd ever stop trying to see me, maybe he really has moved on.
I really wanted to cut all ties, not just with Steven, but with everyone. I guess when it came to it, I just needed to know how he was. Darren Osborne seemed like the best bet. He always did like a bit of gossip and he was more than happy to share with me all the details of the rise and fall of Steven Hay. Seems like we are not so different after all. I always wanted better for him; he really has so much potential…only he doesn't see it, at least not like I do. I know I've caused all this, I've destroyed him and what's even worse is that I have the power to stop it all, but what kind of future would I be giving him?
I crave him, so much so that my mouth waters thinking about him. I crave his lips on mine, I crave his voice and the hunger I feel for him just won't go away. I made a decision though, one that I thought was best for him, but now I'm not so sure. Letting his kids down, leaving the Deli, selling drugs and living with Sinead. That's not my Steven. I want to help him, I really do, but I don't want to make things any harder for him. My influence in his life will give him false hope and I can't hurt him anymore. I wish things were different, but they're not and I have to accept that.
Things will get better for him, one day someone else will come into his life and change everything, just like he changed everything for me. I will never forget him, even when he forgets me. I never thought we would end this way, I thought he had finally saved me, but in the end even he couldn't do that. I've been broken for so long, that the pieces of me are just too hard to put back together. We came so close, we almost pulled it off, but lady fate played her part and ruined everything. She took my future, stole it from me like a thief in the night and there is nothing I can do to get it back.
I think about that night on the balcony, maybe I should have handled it differently. Like Chez said the police would have understood if I'd told them the truth, but I was too ashamed to go over the story of Seamus. Of him touching me, invading every part of me and beating me as if I was nothing. I am nothing though and maybe that's why I took the fall for Chez. I'd eventually hurt Steven again and he deserves better. He deserves the best and I'm not the right man to do that. Everything I touch turns to shit and I destroy everything I love, it's just what I do. Steven would keep expecting me to be a better man and I'd just keep letting him down.
I thought the world could be good again, I thought that maybe I'd had enough punishment. Turns out I was wrong. Nothing will ever be the same for me ever again, I will never feel happiness and I will never feel love. I will never feel him and that is a fate worse than death. Sometimes when I wake in the morning and I forget where I am, I look for him. Reality hits me harder every time. I think of how our mornings were spent. How we'd lay together, wrapped up in love, we'd forget about everything and nothing could touch us. Those moments were perfect.
The sad thing is though is that he accepted me the way I was, he never wanted me to change into a different person. He loved me for me and always stood by me, even through the worst of times. I ripped his heart into pieces and yet he was still there loving me, still wanting to be with me, even when prison became my home he didn't leave. He would have stood by me through everything and I just threw him away like he was a bit of trash. I hope he knows the truth, I hope he knows how much I still love him and how sorry I am, because I am sorry, sorry for letting him go.
Being without him is like missing a piece of myself and all that's left in its place is aching, gut-wrenching emptiness. It will never get better until I am reunited with him because he's the link that completes my very soul. But we will never be reunited and the more time that passes the easier it will get for him. Time will keep moving forward and new things will come into his life. Soon I will be just a memory and even the best memories eventually fade away.
I hope this is okay for you Tumblr Anon :)
A little sad I know but please review, it means a lot xx xx xx