Author: Stephjag aka Steph

Email: Stephrabbhotmail.com

Website: I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario. No copyright infringement intended.

Classification: JAG story, angst.

Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)

Spoilers: Nothing in particular.

Summary: Mac is asking herself some essential questions about what could have been...

Author's note: Well this is just a little of Mac's thoughts. I thought I should give it a try. Sorry guys this is not long stuff – it's just a little thing I had in mind. The story is set in the beginning of season 9.

Many thanks to AeroGirl for beta-reading!

Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.

1427 ZULU Mac's office, JAG Headquarters, Falls Church, Virginia.

Mac was staring out the window, a single tear rolling down her right cheek. She wondered what had happened to her lately. Her life seemed to have turned upside down. She missed her best friend – the one she could come to when things went wrong...

Now she had someone to love in her life, but she'd paid a high price for it, a very high price. The person who had once been her best friend was gone. She and Harm couldn't have a conversation without it turning into an argument or even a fight. Each time it had happened she'd been sick. She didn't blame Harm for it – in the beginning she had, but not anymore.

They both said things they shouldn't have because they were hurt. No one could change that, and no one would ever be able to. She knew that blaming herself or Harm or even Webb would've been of no use, because blaming yourself or someone else for the choices you've made don't help you; on the contrary, they make you feel bitter and you are unable to go on.

Only time could soothe her pain and Harm's. She'd chosen Webb for the right or the wrong reasons – she didn't know which yet. All she knew was that she'd made a decision that would affect the rest of her life, and that had affected her best friend a great deal, but was done was done. Harm had to deal with it and so would she.

She was aware of the reason why she'd chosen Clay, even though she wouldn't admit it yet. She'd chosen him because Harm's being in Paraguay had scared her; because for the first time in all these years he'd made a move, a big move forward, and if she'd given in to it – it would have had a lot of implications. Implications for which she wasn't ready yet. All these years she'd been pushing, urging him to make a move and when he finally did, Mac realised she was the one who wasn't ready, and it scared her – it scared her a great deal.

She felt good with Webb because she knew in the back of her mind that it wasn't really serious. She didn't have to commit to him. She wouldn't commit to him. With Harm it was different. Mac was in love with him – she'd even told it to Sturgis once. If she was to have children, she wanted them to be Harm's children. But she wasn't ready yet. She was afraid she would screw up her dream if she told Harm about what she really wanted. So she'd decided to push him away, but she pushed him too much and now all they could do when they were together was tear each other apart.

Avoiding Harm was the best thing to do right now. She missed him like hell. She missed what they'd both shared before, but she knew that now wasn't the right time to do anything. All she could was wait and hope that the brighter days were about to come soon.

Mac stood in front of the window, wondering about what could have been if things had been different and wondering about what tomorrow would bring her.

------- The End -------