A Gift for You
To express my gratitude towards you, I decided quite some time ago to buy you a gift. I knew immediately that it couldn't be something random. Something with meaning, something you could tenderly recall. It would have to be something special, something you would really enjoy having. Something I could easily picture you with, something I couldn't picture you without.
It is a luminous spring morning. Prismatic hues dot the landscape, a light breeze subtly carrying their fragrance. To my right, a young boy and girl are playing catch in the grass, basking in the bright morning sun. They can't be older than four or five. I walk further on. An elderly couple is seated on a bench. The man is slightly hunched forward, with his hands perched on the handle of his cane, with a faint smile on his face. I cannot hear what he's saying, but it must be pleasant, because the woman sitting next to him is grinning broadly. I assume they've been married a long time. They certainly seem that way.
I know I am approaching our meeting place soon. I am right on time.
I can see what looks like you in the distance. You're already here! I feel confident. You will love this gift, and so, I hope that you will love its giver.
With every step I take, confidence only swells up within me. I have no doubt in my mind that you will love what I brought for you. Time for me to present my gift.
When I reach you, an exuberant smile emerges on your face. The moment I see your smile, I feel a fleeting sensation within me. It is only you who can create such a completely obfuscating emotion to arise in me. Joy is written all over your face. I know it.
I can feel a smile cross my face. I hold out the box in front of me, neatly wrapped, topped off with an elaborate satin bow with contrast lining. I can't wait to see your face when you open it. I'm almost smiling to myself. It's the perfect gift.
"Hi Sachiko," you say, looking up at me with a cute, endearing smile.
"Hello Yumi," I pause. Of course, to deny oneself a pleasure only makes it that much better once it is experienced. And so, I want to savor what will happen next. "I've brought you a gift, it would be an honor if you would open it in my presence."
You excitedly open the package. "Wooooow! Sachiko, this is... this is... the best gift ever!"
I have envisioned this scenario many times. Truthfully, I've felt discouraged on many occasions. What could I give you? It has gotten quite frustrating. Our lives are so contrasting. Sometimes I try to picture what you would be doing, and I simply can't. My life is so different from everyone else's, not to mention yours. How could I possibly picture what you do in your free time? I've gotten a few glimpses of it. Riding the train or bus to a place, watching a movie, eating fast food, and buying jeans. It might sound strange to you Yumi, but when I'm with you, despite the fact that we are from the same generation, I feel outmoded at times.
Forgive me. This isn't the Sachiko you know, is it? The Sachiko you know is continually confident. She is assertive and has no qualms about expressing her thoughts or emotions. Then you will wonder, why, why does she hesitate now?
I even ask myself this. Why am I hesitating now?
I have decided.
It's a little chilly for a spring morning. Flowers are in bloom, but due to the light showers earlier this morning, their fragrance has been muted by the acrid scent of rain. I hear a high-pitched, young voice swearing profusely, coming from what seems like my right. I glance over to see who it is, and a boy is sitting and playing with some handheld gaming device. He can't be more than six. It's a mild shock, but I walk on. I see a young couple holding hands and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. I almost feel wistful. They look like junior high students, and even they have more success with romance than I do!
I know I am approaching our meeting place soon. As I am nearing it, I begin to have some doubts. What if you don't like the gift I am about to give you? I stop and glance at my watch. I'm ten minutes early. It might seem more attractive of me... no, it might seem more like "me," if I were to arrive right on time. I am absolutely never late, but it would seem strange if I arrived too early, wouldn't it? I continue on.
I can see what looks like you in the distance. Yes... it is you. I know it from the way you stand... oh, wait, you've just sat down. Is the bench damp? It must be, because after a few seconds, you leap to your feet and pat your bottom several times. How cute. You're so easy to read, Yumi, everything you think or feel is written all over your face and loudly announced through your actions.
Time for me to present my gift. Will you like it?
I wish I could tell you how I feel. But to tell you will do nothing. And so, I've always left everything at this. This isn't the Sachiko you know. The Sachiko you admire would tell you exactly how she felt, if it concerned you. But there are no words for this.
When I arrive, you flash a mirthful smile. "Hi Sachiko!" you say, excitedly, with a tinge of... hesitation...?
The moment I see your smile, I am struck with a sinking feeling. It's that paralyzing doubt again. Beneath that doubt, my heart beats wildly. It is only you who can create such a completely obfuscating emotion to arise in me. Not only that, but I feel that you are not wholly honest with me. You are smiling, but, at the same time, I sense your nervousness. Maybe it's the way you shakily greet me. No, it's your eyes... you are smiling, but I can see that you're self-conscious. Why are you so nervous? It is only me... it's almost heartbreaking. Can't you relax in my presence?
Despite my unsettling thoughts, I know I am smiling.
"Hello Yumi," I pause. Of course, to deny oneself a pleasure only makes it that much better once it is experienced. And so, I want to savor what will happen next.
I cup your cheek in my hand, and our eyes meet. Your eyes are flooded with what seems like confusion and relief. The situation has not been ideal. The weather isn't what most would consider wonderful, the air is damp and thick with the light odor of fresh rain. I saw junior high students with better luck at romance than I ever had, and a six-year-old boy whose knowledge of verbal vulgarities could easily put mine to shame, and over some frivolous video game.
But that doesn't stop me. I gently tilt your head upwards slightly. For the first time, I'm having difficulty reading your face. Is it my own emotions that are reflected in your face? Does this paradoxical, nebulous expression you harbor mirror my own?
Am I doing the wrong thing?
It feels as though eternity has passed. How long have we been standing like this?
There is no turning back. Life is moments of now, and so I must act, now.
I slowly lean forward...
SPLAT. I look around, and I do not see anything extraordinary. I look down, and I notice, on your shoulder, a fat, white glob of...
"Eek!" you leap back instinctively, and awkwardly tilt your head back to see the bird dropping on your shoulder. "Oh, no...!" you exclaim, as you nervously glance around, presumably trying to locate something to take care of the problem.
However, I try to keep myself prepared for the unexpected.
"Sa-Sachiko?"
I reach into my bag and hand you one of my embroidered handkerchiefs. You gingerly accept it, and look down at my handkerchief. You stare at it intently. A few seconds pass, and you haven't moved. "Yumi? What are you waiting for?"
A soft wind blows, and some leaves sail past us.
"Huh? Oh, I... uh... hmm... I..." you continue to babble incoherently, and I impatiently take my handkerchief out of your hands and send the bird dropping to its oblivion. I must admit, I feel quite disgusted. I walk over to a trash receptacle not more than several meters away and discard my soiled handkerchief.
I've lost my chance.
When I walk over to you, we start walking down a path in the park. It starts drizzling, so I make a suggestion. "Yumi, don't you think it would be better if we went somewhere indoors?"
You nod. "Okay."
You and I walk out of the park, and we spot a small café down the street. It seems to possess a comfortable, relaxed atmosphere, and attracts both of us simultaneously. We start heading towards it. It starts to rain harder. We hasten our pace, and finally reach the café. We enter and order some tea. Before I settle down, I quickly go to the restroom to wash my hands profusely. Wiping bird droppings obviously dirties your hands. Our time in the café moves slowly, and there is an awkward sentiment between us.
I wonder if you know?
There is a long, uncomfortable silence. Suddenly, out of nowhere, you comment, "People are always saying that the weather reflects people's emotions. Sachiko, do you think it's true?"
"Sometimes, maybe. I think that it reflects the emotions of some, not all."
"Oh..."
"Why?"
"N-nothing, Sachiko," you say, while looking away from me and out the window.
"Why won't you look at me? Is something the matter?"
"...well... I... no..."
I look at you directly. "If there is something you want to say, then say it."
There's a short pause. "No... there's... well... I don't have... anything to say."
I can feel myself looking at you skeptically. Your attention is still diverted.
After we finish our tea, I pick up the bill, despite your protests. We sit for a few minutes more, before leaving the café. The rain has lightened to a harmless drizzle once again, and we start walking down the sidewalk. "Yumi, I've never been to your house, may I visit?
"M-my house?! O-okay..." you seem reluctant, but you agree. We start walking towards a bus stop.
We stop at the bus stop and stand under the shelter of the bus stop kiosk.
It's not too late.
I slowly step forward, closing the distance between us. I cup your cheek in my hand, and slowly lean forward, my eyes narrowing until they are shut. I can feel you tensing up. But, there's no turning back. I can only continue with what I am doing, with these moments of now.
Our lips gently meet.
I hear you gasp silently in surprise. I can feel you relax under my touch. We stand like this for a few moments. I don't know how much time has passed, but I almost feel sad that its passing only quickens the inevitable end of this moment.
Suddenly, the bus pulls up to the stop and splashes a moderate amount of muddy water on us. How unfortunate!
You and I turn away from each other and step up to the now-open doors of the bus. Before we step in, I look at your face one more time. You smile to yourself almost cherubically, before glancing over to me and widening your already distinctive smile.
I can no longer envision this any other way. There were a few unfortunate, unexpected incidences today, but without them, I would never have realized that the ideal could only be attained through such obstacles.
What are you thinking, Yumi?
I cannot say I know for sure, but knowing that this is my Yumi, I know that I am not too late.