A/N: I know what you're thinking. Two stories in the span of 24 hours about the same couple, nonetheless? Crazy. I've never done this before. But, as a credit to the wonderful reviews and reviewers of my previous story, the story basically wrote itself and my muse woke me up at 8 A.M. to make sure I wrote this down. So, this is mainly an exploratory piece about 2x22, Neighborhood Watch, but it ties into the events following the finale. And for those who read Things In The Night, that could be inserted before the finale scene at Kensi's in this story.
So, once more an introspective Kensi; I'll wait awhile before trying to get into Deeks' head more.
Disclaimer: I wish but still not mine. Oh, and I borrowed one line from another favorite show of mine; props to whoever recognizes it! And the song is Florence + the Machine and Landscape (yes, I really love her music, as is evident in most of my stories).
She wants the silence but fears the solitude,
she wants to be alone and together with you.
Kensi realizes they will have to share a bed the moment they are briefed on their mission. It's standard procedure, really, not to take any unnecessary risks and since for a lovey-dovey married couple that they're pretending to be, not sharing the bed is out of the question, she accepts it. Doesn't mean she'll have to like it.
Especially when they are both contending for the same side of said bed.
"I can't sleep unless I'm on the right side, Deeks."
He smirks in that infuriating way of his. "I have been sleeping on the right side of a bed ever since I can remember and I'm not afraid to say I'm particular about it and you can call me delicate all you want because right now, there are two delicate people in this room."
He's doing it on purpose, making her stand down because if she doesn't let go, he'll have won even if she can have the right side of the bed.
She purses her lips together but refuses to divulge why exactly she doesn't sleep on the left side. Instead, because it's late and she's so tired, she lets go.
"Fine. But no blanket-hogging."
They don't wake up tangled together; she can feel his presence in the bed but other than that there is no touching. She's not sure whether she's pleased or disappointed but quickly pushes the second feeling away before she can dwell on it. Yes, right, she's pleased he doesn't cross their boundaries.
By their fifth morning, Kensi thinks she should bring up the topic of the bed again because really, she can't sleep. She's anxious and wakes up all through the night which leaves her tired and not able to focus but she's not about to tell him why.
"Deeks. Could we swap the sides, maybe, just for one night?"
He hears the challenge and prepares for another showdown – which he plans to win – but before he can open his mouth, he realizes he also heard something akin to pleading in her voice.
But it can't be. Kensi Blye does not plead, especially not when it comes to things this trivial.
And yet, when Deeks looks at her, he can see the faintest glimmer of sadness or hurt or even despair cross her face and he doesn't understand it at all. But if he can help it, he will never do anything to cause that look in her eyes ever again – because he's already done it once and that almost cost him every bit of her trust.
So, he nods slowly. "I guess we could try since you've been such a good wife, sugarbear." But he can't really resist the teasing, knowing Kensi will sense the shift in the mood if he doesn't revert back to being the goofy Deeks who can't resist ridiculous nicknames.
Kensi sleeps better now, the right side of the bed finally claimed as her own. Until they swap again after five days because he pouts and teases her until she digresses, even though she knows an explanation to her preferences would give her the right side indefinitely.
And then it happens, on their 21st day as Melissa and Justin that she wakes up because she's lying halfway on top of a warm body and she's disoriented for a moment until she remembers the operation.
It feels too good and she has missed this. He's warm and comforting and his body is hard – not like that, she chides herself but when she moves her leg, tucked snuggly between his, she realizes Yes, like that, too – and it awakens a need inside her. Her brain, still foggy with sleep – or that's what she blames it on – supplements her with thoughts like This is so good and He smells so nice and a slightly yearning Deeks on top of it all and her eyes fly open.
Her head is on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around her and his nose is twitching in that adorable way of his – stop it – and it's only 7 A.M. but her sleep is completely gone now. Being the good operator that she is, Kensi doesn't struggle lest she wakes him but slowly extricates herself and wants to make a quick escape.
He makes a discontent noise and murmurs her name, says Kens like this is normal, so before she can stop herself or wake him, she slides a hand through his hair and it is enough to make him turn to his side and fall back into deep sleep.
She exhales and decides on a run like she always does to release the nervous energy tingling in her veins and the thoughts of his hands - What is it with her, is it the time of the month when every man makes her want to lose all inhibitions? No, just Deeks. She stomps away from the bedroom, almost angrily. Yes, she definitely needs to run.
Kensi runs as fast as she can before exerting herself because it's easier like that, because she doesn't know how to handle anything else.
But after circling the block twice, her head – heart, no difference, really – suddenly, with painful clarity tells her she's not running away from him. She doesn't want to run away, she wants to run towards him, with him, alongside him and it is the scariest thing because they are not ready.
The thing they have, whatever it is, however it works, is too tentative to make her take a leap and yet, she knows he is waiting for her, waiting for this thing to play out. And she finds herself thinking she could try while they're here, how it would work, try under the guise of their cover.
So she's playful when she sees him, standing in front of the house and gives him a quick peck on the cheek almost without a thought because that's what Melissa would do and what Kensi wants to do.
He makes them breakfast and the domesticity of it all gives her a warm fuzzy feeling as she watches him prepare the batter and flip the pancakes over in the air.
"So, you do know what they say about having pancakes for breakfast, right?"
She narrows her eyes because she can sense the answer is something vaguely dirty in that way of his but takes the bait. "That they taste best with maple syrup?"
Deeks grins in return and slowly shakes his head, taking great pleasure in this moment. "Pancakes isn't just breakfast, it's an edible way of saying Thank you so much for last night."
But instead of an indignant glare and maybe a punch, Kensi smiles a little and her eyes acquire a playful glint. "Well, I do hope it was as good for you as it was for me, then."
And when she walks away after that, she knows she could see that look on Deeks' face every morning.
She continues testing him, tentatively feeling the boundaries of their relationship during the next two days. She fakebakes snicker doodles, wears a dress so unlike her just to see him approve of it, even if he tries to cover his reaction. The weight of it all comes down on her after she's watched Serena Miller die and they're sitting on the couch together and she opens up without him prompting her to because she wants to.
And they might have got somewhere if it wasn't for that kid and his slingshot and she feels irritated and somewhat upset because she was thisclose to approaching their thing.
Later, she doesn't have to pretend to be jealous when Polina flirts with Deeks and the story of their first meeting, hidden in half-truths flows out of her naturally, all but forgetting about the cover of them having met at a coffee shop. He follows her lead, like always and when they both remember every detail of that meet, she can't stop the smile from spreading over her face.
And the kiss is not for the cover because she could have done anything else but it's the ultimate test and she feels cheated out of an answer when it's over too soon and before she could really know how he would've responded after the initial shock.
So when they know their cover's been blown and they make their way out of the sex dungeon – really, should have seen that one coming – and Deeks tries to talk about the kiss, Kensi brushes it off as nothing because they have to go back to the real world where she can't hide behind her cover any more.
When the op is over and she's finally back at her place, in her bed, she can't help but feel a bit lonely, despite taking back the right side.
And then her world goes to hell and Renko dies almost in front of her and this is the second person she's cared about to go like this and her feelings are too close to the surface. When he tries to defuse the situation and get her to talk, she appreciates the effort but knows that she would truly break if she was to confide in him.
But that night, she knows she won't sleep, no matter what side she's on and she knows she needs him and it bothers her because Kensi Blye doesn't need anyone and yet, the presence of one Marty Deeks is what she craves for.
And just like he always does, he knocks on her door because he can't let this go and barges in with beer. "So, is it Top Model or Jersey Shore or some other awful reality show you have a need to see? Because, come on, you were deprived of it for three weeks."
She contemplates telling him to leave but the need for his presence overrides everything else and for once, she wants to let go and not think. "I have one episode of Top Model to see."
They watch the show in quiet but they're both thinking about Renko whom she knew and cared for and lost and Hunter whom neither really knew nor respected but who didn't deserve to die like that.
And when Kensi opens her mouth to say something, to thank him or just make some teasing remark, it eludes her and what comes out instead shocks them both.
"I sleep on the right side because that's where Jack used to sleep."
Deeks tenses and looks at her, not sure what her sentence really means, so, uncharacteristically for him, he waits for her to continue.
"Because, if I sleep on the left side, I still feel like he's right there, sleeping on the right side and whenever I open my eyes, he's not. He's still gone and I just can't wake up to that nothingness."
He doesn't know what to say because there isn't anything he could say, not really. He figured it was a control thing, but it's a Jack thing and he doesn't know how to handle that. But it explains the despair he had seen and her behavior makes sense.
"So when I slept on the right side of the bed, you thought I was Jack?" He tries to make it seem nonchalant, maybe even play it off with some humor but the pain those words cause him is not easily hidden. He doesn't want to be jealous of someone who's been gone for seven years but he can't be compared to that someone either when he's trying to be Marty for her, when he's trying to make it count.
"No." Kensi whispers it so quietly he thinks he imagined it. "I knew it was you and I..."
But the words don't come. Her rationality is still holding her back, guarding her heart and she doesn't change from someone who won't talk about anything to someone who shares her deepest secrets just overnight, even if a part of her wants to.
But he understands the unfinished sentence. And I liked it. He understands the way it all comes down to their thing, how maybe she doesn't want to hide from it any more and maybe they shouldn't.
"Come on, then. I won't say a word, even if you snore in my ear through the entire night."
And Kensi's world turns on its axis but instead of being messy, it becomes clear and it finally feels like they both know what's happening and they're not trying to avoid it.
A/N: So, I was totally going for a kiss but I realized he wouldn't kiss her after she's talked about something so painful and when she's grieving for her friend, so it only hints a romance. But I hope that's okay too. Thoughts?