Attack of the Bros
A long time ago, in a galaxy that is not very far away but rather probably just a few blocks off but most events transpire in different quadrants of the universe...
Cris and Matt attempt to rescue the acolytes in the Fort of Light but the Dark Lords of the Sith plan to intervene in their crusade. Heihachi, Nightmare, Spawn and Kazuya plan on using the Death Star to conquer the universe before the Phantom Anus can intervene. Now stuck in a three-way stalemate, it is up to Siegfried, Jin and Cloud to save the galaxy for our very fate depends on their hands.
Or we'll be forced to watch re-runs of Arthur.
Now we join our heroes...
"Tifa, down."
"Right here?! In the middle of a battle?" Tifa gasps.
"Note to self, send Tifa to a psychiatric ward after this saga ends," Cris grumbles to himself.
Tifa ducks as Cris draws his custom Desert Eagle and in attempt to look cool, Cris smirks while pressing on the trigger to shoot one of the Flood combatants only to have the bullets deflect off it. Cris looks at his weapon, petrified at how useless it is in this particular battle. The enemy approaches Cris and instead of being tossed around like a rag-doll, it gets tackled down by Jin who was frantically in search for a bathroom. Jin managed to bulldoze his way through at least a regiment of the enemy, knocking down friend and foe alike.
"ASUKA, GET OFF ME!" Matt yells.
Cris turns over to the right in Matt's direction only to see Asuka clinging to his waist, preventing Matt from being effective in any way, shape or form. Fortunately for Matt, Siegfried happened to be passing through while chasing a butterfly. The ghost of his former Schwarzwind comrades were following him, bringing down any and all those who oppose him. Turning to his left to find Cloud singing in a high pitched voice, causing several members of the Flood to die from horrific nosebleeds.
"Wait, what am I doing? Mizu-" Cris was about to perform hand seals to create clones but was immediately swatted away by the arrival of Death Wing.
"DO YOU LIKE FIRE?!" Death Wing asked everyone.
"Yes. YES. YES!" Theoden answered.
"I hate my life." Cris groans as he begins sliding off one of the UNSC's battle cruisers.
"AH! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Grom shouted as he began to shake Matt wildly.
"Get your filthy hands off me, you smelly orc!" Matt verbally spat at Grom.
"Don't let me go, Matt! Don't let go!" Asuka cried.
Matt narrowed his eyes at Asuka but he stared in shock as he saw, not only Smaug entering the fray but an entire legion of dragons.
"Asuka, let go!" Matt demanded.
"No! We need to stay together!" Asuka held on to him with a vice grip.
"Asuka, we're going to fucking die!" Matt began punching her but to no avail. Unfortunately for him, she was already used to this because of Jin.
"Then we'll die together!" Asuka dramatically looks up at Matt as the background began to flutter with bubbles.
Siegfried begins blowing bubbles from his bubble toy in Matt's general direction.
"I am fire. I am... death!" Smaug chortled as he soared through the sky.
"Look! A flying lizard!" Jin pointed at Smaug.
"Oh, my Jenova! It's Bahamut!" Cloud took out his Buster Sword.
"Have you guys seen Cris?" Tifa asked Matt and Asuka after she jogged over to the two.
"We're in the middle of a battle and you're looking for Cris? Tifa, we are severely outnumbered! Get this crazy lady off of me!" Matt ordered in between grunts.
"Okay, thanks!" Tifa took off.
"I didn't even say shit!" Matt smacked his own forehead.
Smaug continuously laughed but was easily knocked down by Death Wing and his dragonflight. Godzilla in turn started harassing Death Wing and soon enough, King Kong entered the battle along with Donkey, Diddy, Dixie, Trixie, Bixie, Mixie, Bob and Cranky Kong right after him. Godzilla and King Kong went monster-to-monster while Death Wing recovered and his entourage began incinerating a combination of Covenant and UNSC forces. The Flood took the opportunity to take on everyone but they were almost no match to Death Wing's army. The Horde basically just cheered on as Grom and Theoden got into a shirtless mud wrestling contest while the Rohirrim were taking bets. Theoden was thrown into a giant puddle of mud and when he got up, he slowly threw his hair back as he began to lick his fingers while he cups his man boobs. Grom's jaws dropped.
"I'm going to fucking hurl," Matt said as he tried to suppress the vomit in his throat.
Meanwhile, Siegfried who was ironically dressed in crystal armor, ran over to where Jin was because Jin found Beyblades but Godzilla accidentally stepped on him. Godzilla began to shed a tear as its foot was impaled by Siegfried's indestructible armor, collapsing on King Kong where both monsters fell on the Kongs save Donkey Kong. Matt successfully got Asuka to let go after Cloud flew past them, urinating on Asuka as he charged towards Death Wing and Smaug battling one another. And right behind Cloud was a shit ton of Mario, Wario, Luigi and Waluigi clones from every incarnation of the Mario series in various outfits.
"Matt, this way!" Cris called out.
"Huh?" Matt got up to see Cris waving in front of a giant ship.
"Hurry, guys!" Tifa called out, kicking every Flood bastard out of the way.
"Where the hell have you been?" Matt asked the moment he and Asuka joined them.
"I got knocked away, you silly nanny." Cris enters the ship as everyone follows.
"Wait, what about the boys? We're leaving them?" Asuka asked. Right on cue, Siegfried, Jin and Cloud all stumbled into the vessel.
"Hope that answers your question," Matt says. He joins Cris as the co-pilot while Cris began activating the control system.
"Dude, I just remembered something," Siegfried suddenly remembered something.
"What, dude?" Jin asks.
"Dude. We have a spaceship now after we lost it." Siegfried smiles.
"Sweet."
"Dude."
"Sweet."
"Hey, weren't there more of us before we crashed?" Cloud asked. The three of them pondered for a bit and once the ship took its ascent, they all fell down.
"Nah," they said simultaneously.
"This is a UNSC ship, we should check its A.I.," Cris suggested.
"On it." Matt presses a button which activates its A.I.
"Welcome to the UNSC Fartknocker. My name is Pearl," the A.I. greeted.
"So this is going to be an interesting flight," Cris commented.
"It's better than what's going on down there." Matt nodded over to Cris' side of the ship.
Asuka and Tifa look down where they saw Sean William Scott and Ashton Kutcher being chased by Smaug and Death Wing. The Mario team eventually overran most of the UNSC and Flood forces but the battlefield was still occupied by plenty.
"Garfield," Jin says.
"Garfield," repeated Cloud.
"Mmm'mm. Nanana," Siegfried mouths very, very slowly after acquiring a banana from Donkey Kong. Asuka giggles as she points to Donkey Kong chasing after them.
"Where are we going, Cris?" Tifa asks.
"We're going to Panderan realm via Coruscant."
"What?" Tifa cocks her head sideways.
"You do know it's a trap set specifically for me, right?" Matt points out.
"Chances are, we might find the X girls."
"Point taken."
Hoth.
"I still don't get it," Sub-Zero says, scratching his head.
Darth Cruella rolls up a newspaper before repeatedly slapping Sub-Zero with it. She and Darth Malice went to Hoth to refrigerate all the last batches of dumplings that can ever be found in the entire universe. She demanded Sub-Zero contain all of Cris' favorite snacks on Hoth, which he didn't mind doing, but the Grandmaster still found no reason to sacrifice his warriors.
"Look, we're trying to get our husbands back," Darth Malice answered.
"And we can only do that by setting out traps!" Darth Cruella included.
"But you guys have an entire army. Your army can literally destroy just two people," Sub-Zero remarked.
"It's... it's more complicating than that..." Darth Cruella began to squish the floor shyly while Darth Malice rolled her eyes, attacking Sub-Zero with Force Lightning. The rest of the Mortal Kombat cast looked at the burnt Grandmaster before turning back to the Sith Lords.
"Remind me to not piss either of you off," Raiden says in between a nervous laugh.
"Just guard these things, okay?" Malice ordered.
"But can you answer us one thing, though?" Kitana asked.
"What?" Malice sighs.
"Why go through all this trouble?"
Groaning, Cruella and Malice took a deep breath before explaining the entire ordeal in a three hour story. Cris and Matt were accidentally absorbed into the WTF Wars after they were hiding in their secret base, also known as "the Mancave," when they were enjoying all of their delights. But because it had been a ten year absence in their realm, Malice and Cruella decided to follow them in order to drag them back to their world. By the time the two were inserted, Matt and Cris were somehow involved in the chaos; the Fortress of Heaven was divided into three parts known as the Godly Trinity; the Fort of Light hidden in Mordor under the watchful Eye of Sauron which contains all their desserts and other snacks; the Hidden City of Bliss where all their nerdy paraphernalia are contained somewhere in Azaroth; and the Almighty Palace of Eternity which, should it be discovered by their husbands, will unleash a power so potent, they can literally bend the world in the image they want. Which includes Cruella and Malice wearing skimpy maid outfits. And bunny suits. And accepting anal sex like it was a Christmas gift.
"Unfortunately, we don't know where the last place is. We have to hide all of their junk away because one of them contains the key to the Fort of Light," Malice explains.
"We have to get to the thingies first. We already have control of the Hidden City of Bliss but without the key to the Fort of Light, we don't own jack," Cruella adds.
"What's so bad about it?" Sonya Blade asks.
"You take it up your ass and you tell me if you like it!" Cruella cries, tears rolling down her cheeks as she sobs silently. Sonya's eyes widen and she began to shed a tear.
"I know that feeling..." Goro sniffs, earning him several blank stares from everyone. "I was going through a rough time, okay!"
"Okay. We'll do it," Kitana agrees.
"Thank you so much!" Cruella gleefully giggles, quickly changing her former disposition.
The party begin to return to their ship, Rinoa, Ivy, Jill, Christie, Voldo and Kirby serving as their bodyguards.
"You were really brave out there, you two. And here we thought you were just insane bitches trying to ruin their guy time," Jill commended.
"You guys are really strong wives!" Rinoa praised.
"Wait until you get married. Your strength gets tested," Malice responded. Rinoa began to feel said because she misses Squall. Ivy felt sad because she longed for Siegfried. Christie's heart sunk because she wished to be with Marduk. As for Jill? She's glad she's away from Chris Redfield for now, especially since he kept getting stuck through doorways.
When the group approached the Phantom Anus, they set their course for Tatooine. The ship was strangely menacing but nobody knows why it was called as such. It was armed with a frightening arsenal and it was created by the most damnable beings in the universe; two of them happen to be Sephiroth and Ganondorf. And nuttymadam from YouTube. It was used for the forces of evil but it ended up in the hands of Malice and Cruella.
Flashback.
"Where the hell are we?" Jay began to survey her surroundings as she and Danielle found themselves in Naboo in the middle of a parade.
"I don't like the looks of that..." Danielle pointed at Jar-Jar leading a giant cart which had Queen Amidala.
"She looks so familiar," Jay whispered.
"Hey, you two!"
Jay and Danielle turned around to see two Jedi Masters spotting them and in the next few minutes, the two girls end up stealing everything they were wearing. Apparently, the Jedi Masters who were knocked out happened to be Count Dooku and Qui-Gon Jinn, who was just promoted. They eventually swapped their outfits for Sith clothes because they weren't comfortable wearing brown and both decided that Sith lightsabers were more sensible than a Jedi's. They stole the Phantom Anus, which was originally called the Phantom Janus, right when the forces of evil were about to return to their ship. They had just returned from the movies, too.
"Hey, look! It's Richard Nixon!" Danielle pointed to him out as Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, and nuttymadam were thrown towards them by Ganondorf. When nuttymadam made contact with the ship, she accidentally brought the J down with her as she tried clinging on to dear life.
"Hey! She has the letter J with her!" Jay cried out.
"Oh well, I never liked her. At least we look hot."
Danielle and Jay began taking notice of their new Sith robes before trying to figure out what to do.
Flashback ends.
The Sith and their quarry returned to the Phantom Anus and join Jun Kazama, who was in control of the ship as its pilot.
"So are we set?" Jun asked.
"Yes. Let's go to Tatooine!" Malice says, earning the cheers from the rest of their group before coming to deathly silence.
A tumbleweed rolls by.
"So where's Tatooine?" Christie asks. The Phantom Anus just floats in the middle of nowhere... just outside of Hoth. In space.
Nobody knows where to go.
"Damn it!" Cruella screams.
UNSC Fartknocker.
"Did you hear something?" Jin asks either Siegfried or Cloud.
"My banana senses are tingling!" Siegfried gasps.
"STOP! STOP! CRIS, STOP! WE ARE GOING TO PASS MACY'S!" Cloud demanded.
"Shut up, Cloud! We're on the radio!" Matt barked. "This is Lieutenant Commander Matt Solo of the UNSC Fartknocker."
"Oh, so you think you're the cool guy now, huh?" Cris scoffs.
"We're requesting for immediate assistance. We're being chased by Richard Simmons and My Chemical Romance," Matt relays. "Now this wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the fact an entire group of assholes were following them. And by assholes, we're getting shot by the Dragonborn!"
"Hang on, going to make a quick turn!" Cris maneuvers the UNSC Fartknocker to avoid a massive asteroid field to dodge Richard Simmons, My Chemical Romance, fans of My Chemical Romance, everyone from Skyrim being led by the Dragonborn and a badly injured Smaug. The sharp turn forces Cloud to fly across the ship and slam his knee against Green Arrow, who was hiding to escape the previous battle but ended up going down the dumpster chute.
"GAH! I TOOK AN ARROW TO MY KNEE!" Cloud whines. The ship stops making sharp turns, causing Cloud to fly and smack Jin's face with his crotch. Siegfried ended up inside a trash can while Tifa and Asuka ended up on Cris and Matt's laps respectively.
"This Major Cris Asskicker of the UNSC Fartknocker," Cris replied.
"You just had to try and one-up me, eh?" Matt throws a pack of condoms on Tifa's lap, causing her to blush and Cris to grimace.
"We're leaving an asteroid field and we're heading to Coruscant. I hope we are received well. And we're on fire."
"I forgot you were a Commander..." Asuka whispered in Matt's ear.
"Lieutenant Commander, and please get off, Asuka."
"How come you guys never bothered getting promoted?" Tifa asked.
"Everyone thought we were dead so we accepted it," Cris explained.
"Why?" Siegfried asked.
"We were drafted. It was the Second World War and we had no reason to be there. Unfortunately, I still ended up fighting anyway," Matt answers.
"He was a nurse in the Navy and I was straight up infantry," Cris added.
"Right, so everytime Cris suffered from massive diarrhea spells, I was there to give him medication."
"... touche."
"You guys could have been Generals by now!" Asuka sighed daydreamingly.
"Admiral for Matt, General for me," Cris corrected.
"Why did you join the Marine Corps, Cris?" Tifa asks, sitting down demurely next to him.
"Thought it was an organization that stayed on water. I spent more time on land than near water."
"What about you, Matt?" Cloud asks.
"Same reason he did. Except I knew it was strictly Navy."
"The damn flier said the Marine Corps explores the sea! It said nothing about war!"
"Cris, you may be incredibly intelligent but that was one of your dumbest moments."
"Do I have to remind you of Iwo Jima?" Cris glares at Matt.
"... noted."
"What happened in Iwo Jima?" Jin asks.
"You two are strangely becoming smart," Matt notices.
"Happened what Iwo in Jima?" Jin says.
"Nevermind. Anyway, I thought we explained that last episode?"
"The Three Stooges weren't present. Back to the tale, Matt and I took a smoke break and we ended up missing the famous photograph. Long story short, Matt is a dolt."
"And Cris got shot in the ass that day. Twice. By a blind man."
Wherever the hell the X girls are.
"Xiaoyu? Where are you?" Xianghua called out. She heard rustling sounds behind a large bush of leaves and she slowly approached it. "Xiaoyu? Is that- OH MY GOD!"
"Hi, Xianghua! Look! It's Panda! Look!" Xiaoyu held up a dead Pandaren that seemed to have already been through its decomposing stage. Xiaoyu's eyes began twitching as she gave her this deranged smile. She pressed her cheeks against the Pandaren's head as she caressed its fur. "We'll always be together, Panda! Forever!"
"Uh, Law? Paul? HELP!"
G.A.I.
"I see no point in wearing this..."
Kilik stares at himself in the mirror. He was only wearing a black thong and a bow tie as did everyone else. Heihachi forced Kilik's group to feel how he feels, and to embrace his mowashi.
"You will wear it with pride! And honor!" Heihachi declared.
"Somehow I'll... make a man... out of you!" Captain Shang grasps on Kilik's bow tie as they come close face-to-face. He, too, was wearing a black thong and a bow tie.
Find out what happens next time on... WTF Wars!