A/N: The characters of Christian and Syed, affectionately known as Chryed, belong solely to the BBC production of EastEnders, a UK soap. All the flashback speech, in italics, also belongs to the writers of EastEnders but all other conversation speech is my own. I'm sure all you Chryed fans will know which is which anyway. And I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering just what happened and how our boys coped, after it all went pear-shaped. This then is just my take on it. Again, a warning....just because of the nature of their relationship. If the subject of same-sex couples is not for you, then please don't read.
When Hearts Hurt
Summary – When hearts hurt too much, is there any way back for Christian and Syed!
".....you can have me. All...of me..."
The words burned deep, echoing round in his head; torturing him endlessly. Alone, on his bed, so lost and in despair, he could still hear the aching need in Christian's voice. Still feel the strong steady beat of the older man's heart after Christian had grasped his hand to place over it; with such depth of passion and emotion that he'd finally felt compelled to act.
"....you can have me. All...of me..."
Taunting him, torturing him...because he almost had. He had come this close to actually ending it with Amira; to being with Christian, properly, all other ties finally broken; having all of the man. That was before he'd let Amira and not for the first time, emotionally 'blackmail' him, with her, 'thought you were losing interest...didn't want me anymore'. But it was the, 'I couldn't bear that', that had really got to him and he had caved in once again. Oh, she didn't know she was doing it, of course. It was all totally innocent on her part and it was his fault for not being stronger, for not finding some way of being able to tell her. But...she had prattled on, as she did and before he knew it, had found himself, as usual, unable to disappoint. And in the end, he'd just told her what he knew she wanted to hear.
And then, he'd had to tell Christian. That was one of the worst moments of his life, apart from hearing his older lover had been attacked and beaten. He knew Christian was waiting for him in the Vic, full of hope and expectation. And he had given him every right to that expectation. But once again, he'd let Christian down, hurt him deeply; saw that hope, that smile fade, as it had that day in the cafe after their night together; that beautiful night, as Christian had put it. He knew, even as he was telling his EastEnd lover; telling him how much she needed him, that he couldn't hurt her like that, that he was crushing the man's spirit; destroying another little piece of the beautiful and amazing man he had fallen for.
"But hurting me's okay, is it!"
And there was more of that 'gut-wrenching' pain he knew Christian was feeling but he'd begged his lover to understand; pleaded with Christian to give him more time. Told him how much he'd really wanted to tell Amira. What with that and the 'hand on heart...all of me', it was the closest probably either of them had got to admitting the 'L' word. But he supposed he couldn't really blame Christian for his reaction. He always seemed to be asking for 'more time' but would 'more time' really make any difference! Would it ever get any easier to tell Amira, would there ever be a right time! Wouldn't she always be wanting his reassurance! And it was only going to get harder the longer he left it; the closer it got to this wedding. And that's perhaps what Christian had finally realised. So how could he blame him; how much more rejection could he realistically expect his lover to take before he'd had enough! The man had had infinite patience with him, could have 'outted' him at any time but hadn't and Christian certainly didn't deserve to become nothing more than his 'bit on the side'.
"Then...you've made your choice."
The words stung and still seared deep into his brain. And he guessed he had; from Christian's point of view anyway. But it wasn't what he wanted; wasn't the choice he wanted to make. And it was killing him. Killing him that Christian wasn't prepared to give him any more time, killing him that he understood why and killing him to have to watch the man he really wanted, get up and walk away.
It didn't seem now like there was any way back from this. How he managed to leave the Vic without any one realising the state he was in, he didn't know. He'd quickly had to press the heel of his palm against his eye to stop the tears he knew were forming before hurrying out.
Time dragged by far too slowly, never-ending even, when there was too much to think about. Exaggerating each minute and second, as though taunting him; like the other night when he couldn't sleep. He just had to get out of the house now; feeling suffocated and stifled suddenly by everything home, family and faith represented. And he was dying inside. It hurt so bad like he never imagined. He just needed some fresh air. Leaving his room, Syed went downstairs and headed for the front door.
"Syed! Where are you going? It's late."
"I'm...just going out for a bit, Mum. Need some fresh air."
"But you barely ate anything at breaking of fast, Papoo. Is there anything wrong? Are you not well? I really don't think you should go out...don't want you feeling faint. You should rest. Tell him, Mas. You can tell Amira to come over here. That girl should be a lot more consider......."
He didn't want to hear it; didn't want to hear what was best for him, what he should do. "Just leave it, Mum...okay. I'm alright. I...I just need to get out for a while."
"Syed!"
But he was gone; leaving, a more than a little worried, Zainab to wonder just what was wrong with her eldest son.
He hadn't thought at all about where he was going; just walked. But the pull on his heart and his feet had him going in only one direction, to only one place; like he'd been subconsciously drawn by some invisible force. Turpin Road.
When he realised, he couldn't bear to go any further; couldn't bear to even see the door to Christian's flat, knowing he was likely to be in there now, with James. It had been painful enough the other day when he had seen James come out of the flat; thinking Christian had asked him over after Syd and Bradley's leaving party, when he had agonised so much about not being able to get away to go to his lover. Although it had been a huge relief to find out they hadn't been together like that and Christian was just being a good mate. But now things had all changed, things were different and they were, it seemed, officially ended. So, what was to stop Christian being with James!
With a heavy heart, he sank down against the wall of R&R, buried his face in drawn-up knees and silently wished. "Please, Christian...don't be with James. Please, don't be with James."
**********
"I couldn't do it..."
The words still burned deep. As soon as he'd heard them another little piece of him died. And yet, he had been so full of hope; hope that Syed had given him, back there in the Unit. He had been annoyed at first, yes when he got there; intent on letting his 'hot and cold' young lover know he was right royally pissed he'd been slagged off to his oldest mate; that Syed had, more or less, called him 'a serial slapper that couldn't keep it in his trousers'. But hadn't he just done without sex or any semblance of intimacy for almost a month, out of respect for his young lover's faith in regards to Ramadan; believing, mistakenly, that nothing was allowed! But that was another matter; a lie that had hurt him deeply.
He quickly realised though it was just his young lover's jealousy, when Syed tried to make light of the fact James had said how he thought he was in love with him. But that was alright because it gave him the opportunity to let his young lover know the gut-wrenching pain he still felt whenever he saw Syed with Amira. So, it was one more desperate, impassioned plea, placing Syed's hand over his own heart, to let the young man know what he felt, what they could have together. ".....but only if you end it with her." And it seemed to work because Syed said he would go and see her, that very day.
And so he had waited in the Vic; so full of hope and expectation that this time they could really be together, free from any other ties. He liked Amira, he genuinely did and he didn't think it was fair to her for them to carry on their arrangement as it was. It was like he told Syed in the Unit; he was tired of being "your dirty little secret", even though his young lover, with so much feeling, had reassured him he wasn't. It's what had prompted him to try that one more plea. It was all or nothing with him now. He wanted an open and honest relationship with Syed, not one that made him feel guilty. And if he was honest, he wanted Syed all to himself.
And they almost had it; they were almost there. When Syed sat down on that bar stool, he was there, ready to pick up the pieces; to comfort and console his young lover, so they could move on. But it wasn't to be. Syed seemed to have a knack for building him up only to tear him down; to give him hope only to crush it, as easily as one crushes a fly. Grant it, it hadn't been done as coldly as that morning in the cafe after their 'beautiful' night but the effect was the same.
"I couldn't do it. She needs me too much right now...I couldn't hurt her."
It still rang in his head. Oh, he could see how much Syed was struggling, how upset he was; begging and pleading to give him more time. And his resolve had almost cracked, as he looked into those big beautiful brown eyes that were threatening to spill over. But what was he to do! How much 'more time' was he supposed to give his young lover! It would never get any easier to tell Amira, not with her 'needing him so much' and with him 'not wanting to hurt her'. When then would it ever be the right time!
Of course he appreciated the fact just what a huge step it was for his young lover, to finally admit he wanted to be with him. That's what had made him so excited; the prospect of their future together. But when it came down to it, Syed hadn't been able to go through with it....and perhaps he never would. It was that realisation that finally dawned on him, that was making his heart heavy; that Syed would probably always want 'more time'.
But what would 'more time' bring; only them closer to the wedding. And that certainly wouldn't be any easier. That's why he wanted Syed to tell her; to put things right before they went any further with their plans. Were they still to be having this 'conversation' after the wedding! Because he sure as hell knew, Syed's feelings and desires wouldn't just change; no matter how much his impetuous young lover thought they would. Was he to endlessly wait around with promises from Syed that he would tell and then leave his new wife! But of course, he would never let it get that far in the first place. He wouldn't be the 'third person'; not in this marriage. Syed couldn't have his cake and eat it.
That's why it was hurting him just as much to do what he had to do; to issue that ultimatum. And when Syed told him again, he couldn't "....I told you", begging and pleading for understanding; it just about broke his heart.
"Then...you've made your choice."
And with a heavy heart, he'd had to walk away because it was killing him. Killing him that they had come so close to being together and killing him to have to get up and leave the man he really wanted to be with.
James had still been there when he got back to the flat. Dear, sweet James; nervously apologising for not having gone yet, food in the fridge as a 'thank you'. And why not! They were both single...now; hurting and in need of comfort. And James was...well, James was 'safe'. He'd known him for a long time, they were good mates. There wasn't the effort of having to go out 'on the pull'; didn't have to worry about bringing a stranger into his home. Look how that turned out before! Yes, James was...safe!
They had started to kiss. But as soon as he felt James get amorous, get a little more needy...he had to stop; just couldn't it. He wasn't Syed and he never would be. And it was much too soon; the pain much too raw. He thought James was what he needed but he knew now he'd grown so much in the few short months since his birthday. He was a different person, wanted different things. Syed had done that to him, matured him; made him think of being with someone long-term, perhaps even settling down. How ironic then that the one thing he wanted, the one person; he maybe now could never have.
"I'm sorry, James...I'm really sorry. I just...can't."
"But...but I thought...."
And he couldn't blame his mate for being confused. Telling him earlier in the Vic that he liked him but not like that and asking him to leave, to then asking him to stay and kissing him...and then backing off.
"Yeah, I know...and it's my fault, James...I'm sorry. But it's...complicated."
And the penny dropped.
"There's someone else...isn't there? I just didn't think...after the attack and all!" But something else had occurred to James because this wasn't the Christian he knew. "My god. Whoever it is...you're in love with him!"
"Like I said, it's...it's complicated."
The penny dropped further.
"Like...Syed complicated!" When Christian remained silent but just gave him a look, he had his answer. "My god...it is Syed. I should've known....when he tried to put me off you like that! Well, I suppose that's it then. I'd better leave."
"James.....please."
He never could resist that pleading face Christian always managed to pull; that outstretched hand of friendship. After all, he'd always been a little bit in love with the man.
"It's alright, Christian. I suppose it was too good to be true that...you and me...."
"James! We're still friends...right!"
"Sure, Christian...friends." Grabbing his bag and head down, James hurried out of the flat.
Christian slumped down heavily onto the sofa and with a deep sigh, buried his face in his hands. In one day, he'd managed to both dump his distraught young lover and alienate his best mate. He was doing well!
The rest of the evening dragged; time seeming to mock and taunt him with its refusal to go any faster, until he could stand it no more. He just had to get out of this claustrophobic atmosphere, if only for a short time and besides, there were too many memories here, painful memories; the happy, beautiful memories perhaps being the most painful of all. Yes, he just needed to get out; to get some fresh air.
Some say, there's no such thing as coincidence...that things happen and certain people are brought together for a reason. And who knows...perhaps it's true; the way some things work out!
He had felt apprehensive for a moment, when he first stepped out of the flat; out alone, late at night. It was just the way the attack had left him, although he wasn't nearly as bad as he was. And that was all thanks to Syed; caring for him, coaxing and cajoling him back into the outside world. Syed. The young man invaded everything; his home, his life, his thoughts. He had thought about turning and going straight back in but for some reason felt inextricably drawn to taking that walk. So, taking a deep breath and shoving his hands part way into his jeans pockets, he headed off down Turpin Road.
**********
Seeing that lone figure sitting slumped against the wall and seeing it was a male brought on that apprehension again but it was only for a moment. Because dim as the street lighting was, he recognised that slim figure with its shock of long, dark locks.
"Sy! What'd you doin 'ere!"
That familiar deep tone made him jump. That familiar voice, as always, sent shivers of excitement coursing through his body. "Christian!" But he didn't want his lover, his former lover, to see him like this, so got up and tried to turn away.
Christian though was having none of it and caught him by the arm.
"Sy...what is it! Talk to me."
"I...I couldn't sleep. Came out for a walk...needed the fresh air."
"Me too," came the quiet reply.
As soon as Syed turned to look at him, the implication clear for the young man that Christian was feeling it just as much, all previous hurt and pain melted away for the hunky EastEnder. For, gazing into that beautiful forlorn and distraught face, Christian saw the wet tracks of tears. Without another thought, he stepped in close and immediately reached out a hand to cup his young lover's face and began gently thumbing at his cheek to brush away the wetness.
"Oh, Sy...what are we doing to each other!"
Christian's touch was enough, it was what he needed; it was what he longed for. He'd thought never to have it again and so just let his eyes fall shut and turn fully into the touch. And then it all came tumbling out.
"I'm sorry, Christian...I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell her, I really did...but she just kept talking and..... It's you I want to be with, Christian...and I don't know how. I don't want to hurt her but......and I want to be with you... Oh god, this is all such a mess and it's my own fault......"
Christian immediately pulled him into a tight embrace and held him. "Hey, hey, come 'ere...it's gonna be alright. And I'm sorry too. I shouldn't a been so hard on ya. I know what a big step it was for ya, babe, to want to go and tell Amira. But we'll sort this....we'll find a way."
"Promise."
"I promise, babe."
"But what about...what about, James?"
"Don't worry about James. James is gone," Christian reassured, as he continued to stroke softly at his lover's face.
Not that he wasn't happy about that, of course but...! "I don't understand. I thought after we..... That you and him would...!"
"I'll be honest...I thought we would too. But I just...couldn't do it. He's not you, Sy. He wasn't you...and he never would be. Now, let's not talk about James, Amira...anyone else. Right here, right now, it's just you...and me."
And both knew exactly what they wanted; what they both needed and they weren't prepared to wait.
Christian dragged his young lover back into the entrance of the nearby alley and with determined purpose, pinned him up against the wall. A burning kiss followed and Christian's tongue slid effortlessly into his younger lover's willing mouth; claiming him, owning him. Both then were hungrily assaulting each other's mouths, born of desperation and need. And it wasn't just mouths that were involved! It became a whole body experience; Christian, pressing his body hard and tight, to unashamedly grind them both together in simulated sex to arouse and harden them.
One could have been forgiven for thinking they hadn't seen each other in an age but considering Christian, especially, had gone almost a whole month without sex, it wasn't surprising he was now incredibly hot and horny. And it seemed Syed was equally so. Factor in too that they both thought it had been the end of them, with the bitter pain of their parting and 'hot and horny' was the lowest level at which to start. Yes, there was definitely something to be said for 'make-up' kissing; that in all likelihood would lead to fantastic 'make-up' sex.
And so the 'assault' on each other continued, unaware they were being watched by interested eyes!
But both knew Christian now was in very real danger of 'taking' his young lover, right there and then against the wall. And so he had to stop. A real effort on his part!
Pressing his forehead against Syed's face and with breath still laboured and ragged. "I think we should...should take this inside...back to the flat. We can...we can talk some more...." He couldn't help then, the amused laugh. "....and we've a helluva lot more...'makin-up' to do."
Syed's own breath still hadn't recovered and the best he could manage was to nod in agreement.
Pulling Syed away from the wall, Christian wrapped a protective arm around his young lover. And with Syed holding on to him, they headed back to the flat. Seems they had found 'a way back' after all! Another deeply affectionate kiss was shared at the door before going in. And all watched by those same interested eyes!
And just who did those 'interested' eyes belong to!
A short while earlier!
"Oh Jane, love....just nipping out. There's something I need to check, over in the Chippie. Won't be long."
A few minutes later brought him up into Turpin Road and with the quietness of the night, he was sure he heard 'muffled' sounds coming from the nearby alley. Not wanting to be seen, he hid behind one of the market stalls, in order to get a better view.
And what a 'view' he got, witnessing some rather steamy action going on, up against the wall, before the pair broke apart and headed into Christian's flat.
"Well, well, well....what have we got here!" And a sly, self-satisfied smile spread across the face of a certain Ian Beale.
A/N: Nope, not a spoiler, just purely a guess. And my reason for thinking it could be Ian! Well, Ian is beholden to the Masoods for bailing him out with the cafe and he does not like that at all, especially the fact, the loan from Masala Queen was Syed's idea! And when Ian cornered Christian at the end of the 'haggis/good god, it's Braveheart' dinner, Christian told him not to worry, that he had a way of keeping Syed under control. Ian could well think this is what Christian meant!
And in a way, that is kinda true. But that was then. And we know things have changed a lot between Christian and Syed...for the better!