Disclaimer: Everything belongs to their respective owners, Eric Kripke, the CW, WB.

A/N: All right, this was written in a fit of frustration, I think, at myself. So, sorry if it's not that great. But I'm posting it anyway. Please read!
This is written in Sam's POV.

*SPOILERS*
5.02 - Good God, Y'all

I Give Up

I have to get out of here. I have to leave. Dean understands that. Hell, he seems like he wants me to go. He even offered me the Impala. His baby. Maybe I am just a pain in the ass to him. Maybe I'm holding him back... from hunting, from life. Dean'd be better off without me. So, I have to leave.

I have no idea where I'm going, where I want to go. I know I can't hunt. I don't trust myself. That damn blood lust is sometimes so overpowering it's all I can do to resist the temptation. If I could just find one demon... Just one little drink. It wouldn't hurt, right?

Gah! I have to stop thinking like that. This isn't helping me. This isn't getting me any closer to Dean. This thinking is going to kill me. I'd go to Hell for sure if I give into that urge again. Though, if I did take a trip downstairs, I may be received as a hero. I mean, I broke that final seal. I brought on the apocalypse. I brought salvation to the demons... to Lucifer.

This thinking hurts. I can't help it though. I want Dean back. Dean would make it all better. He always has, every other time I was in trouble. Every other time I was hurt. But this wasn't a small boo-boo on my knee. This was going to require more than a band-aid. I was going to need more than a tourniquet! This... this was a problem, like a giant hole in my head and in my heart, that could not be fixed over night. But, damn I wish I could. I wish I could fight everything inside of me, and go back to being Dean's brother. Dean's little brother. That'd be nice. That will also be a long way away if I keep thinking like this.

I just can't goddamn help it! If God really did save Dean and me back at the convent, if he really did purify my blood, why couldn't he take away the lust, or even all the damn memories. I could just forget everything, and go back to 5 years ago, when Dean and I fought side-by-side, hunting down ghosts, and werewolves, and shapeshifters... not hell bitches, hell-bent on the end of the damn world!

But I guess this isn't a problem just fixed because I want it to be so. This is something that has to be worked at maybe? But how! I can't be around Dean. I couldn't face the look on Dean's face when I succumb to urges and disappoint Dean again.

I really am sorry. Deep, deep down, I can feel that I'm sorry... for everything. For Ruby, for the blood, the leaving Dean, for starting the end of the world. I'm more sorry than I've ever been in my life. But Dean knows this! He knows it, and he still can't trust me. Actually, if I thought about it, I wouldn't let him trust me. I would yell at him, tell him what an idiot he was if he trusted me again, so easily.

This problem needs a solution that, for once, is too big for Dean to handle. For that reason, I have to leave. I have left. And, I guess I'll stay gone until I can figure out what to do. Now would be a good time to pray... but what good would that do. I mean, we just found out that God's not in heaven anymore. He's down on earth, walking among his creations. He wouldn't hear my pleas anyway. I'm not worth it. I'll be going to Hell, one way or the other. No God, no angel, no brother was going to stop that.

It's the reason I left. For good, maybe. I can't hurt those I love any more than I already have. I just couldn't live with myself if I did. So I'd have to save them the trouble. Just leave.

Heaven? Hell? Doesn't matter anymore. I'm out. I'm gone. I'm done. I. Give. Up.

End

A/N: Well? Good? Bad? Please, leave a review. It might make me feel better about this!