He thinks out it sometimes. The darkness that lies asleep inside of him– waiting, stagnant, prepared. About how easy it would be to end it all at a flick of his wrist. Not even that–just a single thought. The greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth. He used to be scared whenever he heard that. But now, it's all he's got. He's come to realise that now. If–If he was just the King's servant, there would be no point. Without magic, he's nothing.
Now–now he's just so alone. There's no one who could ever understand. Not Gaius or Gwen or Gwaine or Lancelot–none of them. He wanted so badly for them to get it, why couldn't they just figure it out? Why couldn't they see the despair he felt? Gwaine had grown close but no, he couldn't risk it. Couldn't put him in danger.
Lancelot had died, sacrificed, his closest friend, the most noble of them all. It was his fault. Was that when it began? No–he knew what he was doing. He did it for Gwen. Never him.
He wanted to save Morgana, hold her, understand her but Kilgharrah told him no. She was destined to hurt him, break him. As was the boy–Mordred. He was the one to kill and destroy and hurt Arthur.
He thinks it was the Druid seer that started it all. The old man and his stupid vision. Arthur's bane–that's what broke him. His master, his hope, his destiny, his friend: broken, dead, betrayed by someone who used to be a friend. The young, traitorous, innocent, child who he turned his back on.
If it weren't for the future, the crystals, Kilgharrah, maybe, maybe, likely, he would've saved Morgana. Made her kind instead.
But he was young, a fool, and a criminal, lost and alone, isolated in a kingdom he didn't know. He was lucky to have met someone as kind as Gaius. He was the first, the one in the most danger, the one, the one who would be targeted by Morgana and others who hated him. He loved Gaius, but he didn't understand, he could never understand, he tried to keep Morgana contained and she turned her back on them as he did her.
The darkness raged when he was around Mordred. The pain the vision brought, the hopelessness, the blood and war and tragedy that was to come. It hurt, oh it hurt, when would the pain stop?
The return of the old king calmed the darkness. Uther now knows, but can never tell. Arthur was close, too close, but luck was on his side; Uther was banished. He had been angry. Uther hated magic, but it was unjustified. Arthur would make it right again. Arthur would keep him safe. Arthur would accept him–
Morgana came back. The darkness came back; clawing, ripping, begging. Magic stood no chance against Morgana when the others were there. They couldn't know about him. No no no it's too soon. His head hurt.
Do you still believe in the world you were destined to build?
Then he had to choose. Why did he have to choose? Arthur or peace? After all this time, he'd rather save his friendship and kill Mordred then risk Arthur's life. He couldn't let him die–
She gave you a chance and you threw it away!
He was supposed to be wise. An all-knowing warlock who was untouchable–the strongest of his kind. Yet he didn't see when the Triple Goddess herself had offered salvation. Knowing the future is a dangerous thing. In trying to prevent the future, he only sealed Arthur's fate. It was destiny, one might call it.
"You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are." [1]
He fell deeper into the abyss when Gwen was taken, stolen. His King raged and raged and he risked the lies and deceit because Arthur was hurting, his heart was breaking and gods why has Morgana done this?
"I You could have saved her." [2]
Gwen was gone, sucked into the blessed darkness and swallowed whole. He envied that, the release, the freedom, the ignorance. Why did the Queen of Camelot get to play traitor while he was stuck washing dirty socks and chamber pots? She got to murder and poison and was given companionship by the darkness; companionship that the King would never give to him because of his stubborn pride.
What game do you think you are playing?
He didn't think anything was amiss when the boy, Daegal, came to him. He was kind and innocent and drew him away from Camelot, where the darkness festered. He wanted to get away, but he wanted to stay, for the King, for his family, even if they were not kind, he still cared. He still cared. He was poisoned by the darkness, it lured him out into a trap, manipulating the boy to do it's bidding. The boy fell under it's spell easily, while he fought and fought and fought–he fought so badly even though the wanted to give in and sink down below with his queen.
Is this really how it's going to end?
The boy came back and gave him a small ounce of hope. Saved him, purged the darkness from his soul as his magic couldn't fight it. His magic needed a voice but he couldn't provide, too hurt and too broken. Karma, really, for poisoning Morgana. In turn, he protected the boy, but the boy died. Taken. The darkness laughed at him.
What is it that you think you see?
Morgana and the darkness were not the same. The darkness used Morgana just as it used Gwen and tempted him. The only reason he didn't give in was Arthur. Always Arthur. Always. It grew and gnawed at his very being, only backing away when Arthur finally listened. Only when he noticed the darkness that had tamed the Queen.
They made you believe in peace.
The darkness cackled and laughed and snickered at him as the Dolma. It saw a chance and took it, hissing and biting him, trying to infect him. Mordred appeared as it grabbed him, only for a second. He allowed it, just for a taste, a feel of what could have been. Then the darkness hurled Aithusa at him and everything hurt. His own hatchling, damaged and ruined and demented, beaten into the darkness with Morgana. His fault. It always was. It didn't even leave when they saved Gwen. It only comforted him.
I will put you back together.
Finna was dedicated and kind and a part of the magical life that he longed to be a part of. She gave him an idea of what life would be life if he didn't have to hide, if his home wasn't Camelot. He longed for the time where he didn't have to hide anymore. His hopes and dreams lied with Arthur. The only way he could be free was if Arthur fulfilled his destiny, and only he could guide him–
Do you remember the corruption so long ago?
He could feel her down the stairs where he left Finna. He could feel the only light within miles perish when she killed herself using his sword. It just hurt him more, more than the bolt wound, more than anything. His soul was weak, and salvation was just below him. Morgana. Morgana had felt so alone and scared and betrayed all because of his selfish actions in the fear of prosecution, which was exactly what she felt too. Fear can control the mind; the darkness could block that; if he just gave in completely–
You can trust me.
No… Arthur was close. He had to be. Arthur will come. Arthur will come.
"O drakon, e male so ftengometta tesd'hup'anankes!"
He didn't remember calling him, but Kilgharrah had come, and his heart had shattered.
Over and over again–they will not stop.
There's no need for you to choose.
Don't trust a word they say! Tomorrow is another day of pain and suffering for you and your kind.
.
.
Do you see now? Your destiny was nothing more than the delusions of a selfish dragon. He used you. They all used you.
.
.
"Oh Merlin," Gaius breathed out, eyes flooded with horror and fear as he gazed at his boy, drenched in blood. "What have you done?"
.
Merlin smiled.