AN: I had asked people to give me some random lines (not from the show) and I would see if it inspired a FF. One of my friends, melonian4life gave me the following line: "Olivia, it's Kathy. Call me." That inspired this story. It may be a little OOC and non-cannon, but it's close. Let me know your thoughts! Thanks.
EOEOEOEOEO
Olivia walked out of Cragen's office and pulled her cell phone from her pocket. She'd felt it vibrating as she had listened to Cragen dressing them down, due to their latest transgression, but had made the smart decision not to answer it.
"That's such bullshit." Elliot muttered under his breath as he walked behind her, and Olivia sighed heavily. Neither one of them were happy with the DA's decision not to prosecute, but she knew they'd been pushing Cragen's buttons with their protests and challenges.
"Don't you think that was bullshit?" Elliot asked, staring at her as she sat down on her desk.
"Of course." Olivia said as she tossed her phone on her desk. "But Cragen made it pretty clear that it's over." She could tell their Captain had reached his breaking point with them. She thought it had been bad before she went to Oregon, but somehow, despite the initial tension when she had returned, they were closer than ever. Cragen had obviously noticed, because there had been some thinly veiled threat to split them up as he reminded them who was in charge.
"And you're just gonna accept that?" Elliot slammed his chair into his desk.
Olivia opened her phone and looked at the missed call. It was a number she didn't recognize but they had left a voicemail. "El…" She said impatiently as she opened her messaging.
Elliot stood and stared at her for a moment as she lifted the phone to her ear, as if he was waiting for her to say something else. When she didn't answer, he blew an exasperated sigh through his lips. "I'm gonna hit the gym."
As Elliot started to walk away, Olivia heard a familiar voice in her message. "Olivia. Kathy Stabler." There was a moment of hesitation in the message before she continued, and Olivia lifted her arm, ready to call Elliot back. But then the message continued, and she lowered her hand. "We need to talk. Call me back."
The voicemail ended. There had been no pleasantries. No hi or please. Her tone had been flat and cold, and Olivia wondered what the hell was wrong. She listened to the message again.
We need to talk.
Her mind turned that phrase over in her mind, wondering what in the hell Kathy Stabler could want to talk to her about. She knew that even after all this time being separated, she and Elliot hadn't gotten divorced. She didn't really know the status of their relationship, and since she'd been back, she hadn't really asked. She told herself that she was just trying to mind her own business, but deep down, she knew that was bullshit. She didn't ask because she didn't want to know. At some point during those long nights alone in a tent, she had allowed herself to examine her feelings for Elliot, and while she hadn't gone back to New York and made any full confession, she hadn't spent a ton of energy denying and pushing her feelings down deep.
She knew, after those first few awkward weeks back, that Elliot must have had a similar pivotal moment…must have come to term with his own feelings about them.
The result had been a different dynamic for them that was easy and collaborative. The tension they'd experienced before her departure was gone, and she knew it was because neither of them was afraid anymore. They both seemed to know what they were to each other, and that knowledge had somehow given them some sense of peace. They didn't worry about crossing the line because they simply didn't care about it anymore. They both knew what they were to each other, and even though they never acted on their base instincts, they weren't afraid of it.
"Everything OK?"
Olivia looked up sharply and saw Elliot standing at his desk, staring at her. She stared down at her phone, as if Elliot could see the message from Kathy, and she quickly placed it face down on her desk. She brushed her hair back from her face. "I thought you were going to work out."
"I forgot I have to get home. I mean…to Queens." He fished in his drawer for his keys.
"Kathy's out of town." It was a statement, not a question.
"Yeah."
"Where'd she go?"
"Upstate. A long weekend with some girlfriends."
Olivia nodded absentmindedly as she stacked up some papers on her desk. "Sounds like fun."
"Yeah." Elliot said. Olivia looked up and saw he was still watching her. "Are you sure everything's alright?" he asked, furrowing his brows slightly.
Olivia adopted a look of annoyance. This man knew her too well. "I'm fine El. Go home." She waved him towards the door. He looked at her a second, and then relaxed and headed towards the door.
"Have a good weekend." He called back as he left the squad room.
Olivia waited a few minutes, until she was reasonably certain Elliot wouldn't be back. Then she opened her messages and listened to the voicemail from Kathy Stabler once again.
EOEOEOEOEOEO
Olivia pulled on leggings and a t-shirt, wincing as she pulled it over her head. She'd pushed herself pretty hard at the gym this afternoon, and the hot shower she'd taken hadn't eased her sore muscles. Elliot's gray sweatshirt was laying on the bed, and she fingered it as she thought about her conversation with Kathy the night before.
She didn't know what to make of it…the phone call…the conversation…the tears. It had been running through her mind all day, like a movie scene you watched through your fingers because even though it terrified you, but you couldn't help yourself.
Olivia snatched the hoodie off the bed and tossed it in her closet. She grabbed a white hoodie and slipped it on, grimacing again at the twinge in her arms. When she was dressed, she padded into the kitchen and grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator. She twisted off the cap and took a drink, wishing she had a bottle of wine in the house. She wanted to watch TV and work her way through the wine until the bottle was drained, the continuous stream in her head stopped, and she slipped into a state of blissful unconsciousness.
Instead, she drained the beer and grabbed another. She went to close the refrigerator, and then thought better of it. "Fuck it." She grabbed another full beer before she slammed the door closed. As she walked into the living room, she heard a knock on the door. It startled her, and she almost spilled the open beer on the coffee table. She looked at her watch as she set them down, and saw it was almost 8. It wasn't late for a Saturday night, but there were only a few people that would ever stop by.
Olivia walked over to the door, leaned against it and looked through the peephole. She drew back quickly when she saw who was standing outside her door.
Elliot.
She hesitated with her hand on the doorknob. There was no reason for him to be here.
Olivia, please don't tell Elliot we met. Or about this conversation. Promise me.
She had sworn she wouldn't say a thing; whatever was going on was between Kathy and Elliot.
The door rattled as Elliot pounded on it, startling her again and interrupting her thoughts. "Olivia! I know you're in there." He said loudly. "Open the door."
Olivia tried to discern the reason for his visit by his tone, but without seeing his face, she was at a loss.
"I'm going to use my key if you don't let me in."
The comment surprised her, and Olivia whipped the door open. "Christ Elliot. Give me a minute, would you?" He didn't even wait for her to get out of the way before he breezed past her, forcing her to take a few steps back quickly. "Come in." Olivia said in an exasperated tone as she closed the door behind her.
When she walked into the living room, she saw Elliot pacing back and forth in front of the windows.
"What are you doing here?" Olivia stopped by the end of the couch, watching his body language.
Elliot turned to face her. "Am I interrupting something important?" He waved his hands towards the beer bottles on the table, and Olivia couldn't mistake the sarcasm in his voice. But before she could reply with her own snide comment, a new expression crossed his face. "Wait. Is someone here with you?"
In that moment, she wished there was. She wanted him to feel a stab of jealousy…
"Are you seeing someone?" He walked around the back of the couch towards her bedroom. "That would be just perfect."
Olivia sprinted around the other side of the couch and grabbed his arm as he walked into her bedroom. "What the hell is your problem?" She dropped his arm as he stopped and looked around.
"What the hell is my problem?" He asked. "What the hell is my problem?" He repeated. He took a step closer, and leaned in slightly, narrowing his eyes. "What the hell is your problem?"
Olivia was surprised by Elliot's aggressive stance, but she didn't back up…didn't flinch. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Bullshit."
That pissed her off, and she pushed against his shoulder, forcing him to take a step back. "Back off Elliot." She said forcefully. He stood and just stared at her, and she could see the way his jaw was clenched…the muscles jumping and twitching. She was a little thrown because she'd seen him angry before, but rarely was it focused on her. She tried to keep her voice even. "Why don't you tell me what you think I've done."
If Elliot was surprised by the fact that she had shoved him or by the tone of her voice, he didn't show it. "What I think you've done? You're going to stand there and tell me that you don't know anything about why my wife came storming into the house this afternoon and told me it was over. Why she was screaming at me that everything she'd suspected for years was true." He was spitting out the words…his face and neck flushed with anger. "You don't know why she accused me of being a liar and a cheat and a son-of-a-bitch…and why she told me to sign the goddamned papers and get out of her life."
Olivia was speechless at the venom that was being spit at her. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Elliot looked at her expectantly. "Elliot. I…." She shook her head, trying to reconcile the conversation she'd had with Kathy and what Elliot was saying now.
"What did you say to her?"
Her heart was beating like a hammer in her chest as she tried to recall everything she had said. And even though it had been running on an endless loop, her mind was suddenly blank. "I didn't say anything…" Elliot stood there, glaring at her, and she didn't like his accusatory look or words. It pissed her off and she went on the offensive. "What would I have had to tell her?" She shot back at him.
"So, you don't deny meeting her?"
Olivia pressed her lips together. Not that she would have denied it, but she'd offered that info up too easily. Damn him. "She called me, and I thought maybe something was wrong…"
"And you didn't think to tell me?"
"She asked me not to." Olivia remembered her indecision about the call and the meeting.
"So…you snuck behind my back…"
"It wasn't like that!" Olivia was getting angrier by the minute. She brushed her hair back from her face and put her hands on her hips. "It wasn't some goddamned conspiracy. She asked me to meet her and I did."
"You didn't think it was odd that she asked to meet you? Especially since I told you she was out of town?"
"Hey, if you're wife felt it was necessary to lie to you, how is that my issue?" She was shaking with anger now. "You know what? I don't have to listen to this. I didn't do anything wrong. This is between you and Kathy." She turned to leave when she felt Elliot wrap his hand around her arm. It happened so quickly, it barely registered until Elliot was yanking her backwards.
He pulled her into his body until his face was mere inches from hers, and his grip on her arm didn't relent. "My wife thinks we're having an affair…" He said through clenched teeth. "That we've been sneaking around behind her back…" He shoved her, and Olivia fell back on the bed. She looked up at him in surprise, and her heart skipped a beat as she saw the pure rage in his eyes. When he started coming towards her, she scrambled back on the bed. But he had the advantage of weight and speed and he climbed up her body quickly. He pinned her arms near her head and pressed her body into the bed as he straddled her thighs. He loomed over her, looking into her eyes. "Is that what you told her? That we've been sleeping together?"
Olivia pushed her arms up. When that failed, she lifted her hips, trying to buck him off her. She felt a thread of fear snake through her body. Elliot would never hurt her…but there was a small bit of uncertainty that nagged at her. He wasn't being rational; he was consumed with anger and pain.
"I didn't tell her that. I would never…"
"Don't lie to me. She just got done talking to you and suddenly she's in my face? Accusing me…crying and screaming at me. You're going to tell me that's a coincidence?"
Elliot's lips ghosted over hers and dropped to her ear. "I think you told her. Is that what you want?" He slid one knee between her legs and spread her legs slightly. "Huh? Is that why you told her that? To make sure she left me for good?" His lips grazed her ear as he released her left arm. Olivia's heart was beating out of her chest as confusion swarmed her body. Elliot's hand was on her hip, and then he was sliding his hand beneath her t-shirt. As his hand slid over her bare skin, he continued to rasp into her ear. "Let's just do it then." Olivia's breath caught in her throat as hand neared her bare breast, and she wondered how far he was going to take this. "If I'm going to be accused of fucking you all these years, I might as well get a chance to actually do it."
Olivia snapped then; his words like a slap in the face. She made a fist and used all her energy to swing her left arm upwards. "Get the fuck off me!" She hit him square in the temple, and he grunted. Olivia didn't know if it was in surprise or pain, but she had stunned him, and his hand slipped from her skin. She saw the expression on his face change, and he looked down at her as if he just realized what he was doing. He still made no effort to move off her though, so Olivia lifted her hips and pushed against the hand still pinning her arm to the bed. "Get off."
Elliot slid off her quickly, falling to her side.
Olivia rolled over on her side in the opposite direction, with her back to him, and clutched her hands to her chest. She was trying to control her breathing…to slow her heart. She wasn't afraid any longer. She was angry…confused…hurt. By his actions and his words.
"Olivia."
She could hear the regret in his tone, but it was too late. The damage was done. "Get out." She said angrily. She could feel him shifting on the bed and then the bed bounce as he climbed off completely.
"Liv. God…I'm…I didn't mean…"
She didn't look up at him. Instead, she kicked out with her leg and heard a grunt as she connected with his thigh. "I said get out!"
"I didn't mean what I said." Elliot's voice was a harsh whisper, laden with emotion. "I just…I just…"
Olivia still didn't look at him, but she recognized the remorse that always followed the bouts of rage. All the anger management courses hadn't helped him over the years…leaving a trail of bruised knuckles and angry words. She thought she'd been immune to it…that she knew how to deal with it. With him. But tonight, he had scared her, and she didn't know how to reconcile that with the man she knew.
Olivia felt vulnerable laying on the bed and she scrambled off the other side of the bed until she was standing, facing him. She was angry at him for his behavior and angry with herself for wanting to reach out and comfort him in his obvious despair. She stayed rooted in place…and she knew her feelings of betrayal were clear on her face.
"I came over here to talk to you…just talk…" Elliot was shaking his head as he spoke. "But when I saw you…I just snapped." A harsh sound escaped from his throat as scrubbed a hand over his mouth. "I can't believe I did that…" He gestured towards the bed. "That I said those things to you." His eyes never left hers. "You have to know…I would never hurt you. Not…"
"You did." Olivia cut him off. His words hurt more than his actions, slicing into her. "That you think I would ever say anything like that to Kathy…" Now Olivia was the one shaking her head in disbelief. There had been a time when she'd felt like she was more invested in his marriage then he was, and even though the topic of his relationship with Kathy really hadn't been part of any of their conversations since she'd been back, she couldn't believe he didn't trust her.
"I know you wouldn't…"
He moved closer to his side of the bed, and Olivia involuntarily took a step back. She immediately regretted the move, as she saw it as a sign of fear, but she realized Elliot had seen it too. The look on his face was even more pained.
"I don't have any excuse…there's nothing I can say or do to take it back but God…" He dropped his head. "She came tearing into the house and she just unleashed all these accusations and I was just blindsided. She told me she had talked to you…" Elliot lifted his head. "When she said it was done for good this time, I just felt…"
"Felt what?" Olivia asked…the anger suddenly leaving her body. "Christ Elliot." She sank down in the chair behind her and let out a huff of breath. "When are you going to start being honest with yourself?" She saw Elliot furrow his brow, but she didn't give him a chance to say anything. "You've been so wrapped up in who you think you're supposed to be, that you don't even recognize that you've changed. That we've changed."
Olivia paused, watching as Elliot processed what she was saying. She knew it challenged everything he thought about himself. For a moment, he looked almost lost, and she watched as he took a few steps backwards, putting distance between them. "You're scared." She said as the realization hit her.
Elliot didn't say anything, and then suddenly, turned and walked out of the bedroom. Olivia pushed herself out of her chair and followed him, suddenly afraid that he would leave. "What are you afraid of?" She goaded him…pushing him to finally be honest with her and with himself.
Elliot didn't stop moving, but as he neared the door, Olivia rushed around him. The door rattled as she fell back into it, and Elliot quickly pulled up before his body crashed into hers. He stopped and just stared at her, and she could see he was breathing heavily.
"What are you afraid of?" She asked, moving back and forth between his eyes.
"Olivia, get out of my way." Elliot said.
"No." Olivia said defiantly. She was afraid of what would happen if Elliot walked out that door. It would be the end for them. She was relying on the face that Elliot wouldn't dare lay a hand on her again, and she was determined that they talk this out here and now. Her voice was barely more than a whisper. "Tell me what you're afraid of." She realized she was trembling as she watched a myriad of emotions cross his face. He was struggling and now she was almost fearful of what he was going to say.
Maybe this was going to be the end of them anyway…regardless of what he said.
"Elliot…"
"You want to know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid of you." Elliot said, focusing his steely blue eyes on her.
"Of me?"
Elliot held up his hand, as if to keep her from saying anything else. "I made a mistake. So many years ago…" His expression grew tender. "I fell in love with you."
Olivia gasped slightly at the confession; she hadn't expected to hear the words fall from his lips.
"I was married. I had a family. I had no right." He closed his eyes for a moment, but then his gaze met hers again. "And you deserved better. You deserve better."
Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but Elliot was on a roll and he wasn't stopping.
"When you were gone, I thought maybe I'd be able to breathe…to be the husband I'm supposed to be. I tried to recommit to them…to tell myself that I didn't love you." He let out a choked laugh. "I tried…but God Liv…when I saw you walk back through that door, I realized it was hopeless." Elliot turned around and walked away from her. "I was an idiot…" He slumped down in a chair and dropped his head in his hands. "I tried. But in the end, I just let everyone down.
Olivia hesitated as she watched Elliot struggling, trying to understand everything he was saying. Everything that had happened. She didn't know why Kathy had accused him of an affair. Maybe she hadn't had as much of a poker face as she'd thought when Kathy asked her outright if she loved Elliot. Kathy had had her suspicions over the years, and maybe she'd just had enough. Maybe she recognized that Elliot wasn't there with them completely…that he was distracted and unhappy…and had decided she'd had enough. Olivia would never know.
All this was whirling through her head as she tried to make sense of his actions tonight. They were inexcusable, but she tried to understand. He was scared. He'd felt trapped between who he thought he should be and who he wanted to be.
"I made a mistake coming here." Elliot said as he stood up and walked towards her. He stopped a few feet from Olivia. "I'm so sorry for…" He gestured towards the bedroom. "Tell Cragen whatever you want. I understand, and I'll agree to whatever you say."
Olivia realized he was talking about breaking up their partnership, and her heart skipped a beat.
"Liv…please move. I have to go." He avoided her gaze, as if looking at her was too painful.
Olivia reached out and touched his arm gently, and she felt him jump at her touch. His eyes met hers. "Stay." She said softly.
Elliot shook his head. "I can't."
Olivia slid her hand down his arm, until she was holding his hand in hers. Elliot tried to pull away, but she held on tightly. "Please. Just stay and talk to me."
Elliot just stared at her, his jaw set.
"You're being too hard on yourself." She paused a second, but he wasn't pulling away, so she kept going. "I told you that you haven't been honest with yourself, and I believe that. But that isn't the whole truth. Both of us have played a role in this, and we haven't been honest with each other." She squeezed his hand. "You're a good man Elliot. You've done the best you could. Kathy knows that…your kids…"
Elliot pulled his hand out of hers then. "Liv…move." He started towards the door, but Olivia held her ground, forcing Elliot to stop. He braced his arm against the wall to the left of her, and Olivia couldn't see his face anymore.
He was close…so close…and Olivia placed the palm of her hand on his chest. She could feel his heart beating out of his chest. It matched her own. "I love you too." She whispered. "Please…talk to me."
Elliot dropped his head, and Olivia could feel his warm breath against her hair and cheek. She pressed her hand into his chest. "Please. Stay." Olivia slid her arms around his body, letting him know that she trusted him…that it was going to be okay.
Elliot's defenses dropped then, and Olivia swore she heard a sob escape from his throat as he wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair. She lay her head on his chest and she felt Elliot tighten his hold on her. And in that moment, she knew that despite the path they had taken, they were finally where they were supposed to be.