THE MANUAL OF SURVIVAL©

by SIRUMES THE SPHINX

Here are the rules regarding your manual.

1. I, Sirumes, am not responsible for any malfunction or mishandling of the information contained in this manual that you encounter.

2. Any spontaneous combustion, impaling, decapitation, drowning, asphyxiation, slicing, strangling, stoning, or any other harmful reactions you may receive, are not my problem.

3. This manual is not intended for sea monsters or internal use. See "Handbook of Tentacle Development" for more information.

4. These instructions do not apply to all half-bloods, use caution.

5. You cannot refund or sell any copies of this manual.

If you understand and accept the terms and conditions, sign here:

X_ _ _ _

Now, let's begin.

Section 1

Starting Out

A. Congratulations on your new recent development. If you are experiencing blood-thirst, muscle growth, new appendages, and can no longer recognize yourself in the mirror (see also, "turn people into stone"), do not be alarmed. This only means that the gods have lost favor with you and you are now receiving punishment.

B. In addition to the developments listed above in article A, you may also be experiencing feelings of betrayal, anguish, slight depression, and unquenchable rage—once again, this is perfectly natural and relatable. The gods are often very temperamental and fickle with their friends (e.g., you).

However, do not despair, there are plenty of monsters who would be more than happy to assist and sympathize with you.

*If you are experiencing depression and thoughts of suicide, call 1-(666)-012-TALK, operated by the gorgons, the Minotaur and other volunteers. Suicide is never the answer and even if you choose to go that route, you'll only find yourself in Tartarus waiting to be reborn.

C. Among other changes, you have also become immortal. Please keep in mind that does not imply that you are invulnerable and immediately seek revenge on Olympus. Your body will disintegrate into sand and your essence will be returned to Tartarus, aka hell.

*Not a pleasant experience, hell is still hell even to monsters.

D. It is physically and mentally impossible to harm a god. The best you can do is give them the equivalent of a paper cut which is next to nothing on the scale of pain. And believe me, a monster's time spent alive before they are hunted down and slain (see, "Hunters of Artemis") is like that of a goldfish so you must spend your years wisely and hitting the Olympians where it hurts: their offspring.

EDIT: After recent misunderstandings of paragraph D of section 1 by Dephelum the Telekhine, this does not mean pursuing a god and slicing of his "jewels" (for lack of a better word). That will never, under any circumstances be effective, so please, do not follow Dephelum's example (see, incompetent monsters).

Section 2

Personal Care and Hygiene

A. Just because you have recently transformed into a beast, does not give you the right to ignore trivial things such as grooming and washing. Just because you no longer look human doesn't mean you need to smell like it.

Be sure to polish your scales and brush your fur, don't be afraid to sharpen your fangs and horns either. I don't know why monsters find this so embarrassing, but please, hygiene.

*This is more so a desperate plea rather than an actual part of the manual, but it's food for thought.

EDIT: Under no circumstances does this mean to bathe in any of the following rivers: the Styx, Acheron, Lethe, Phlegethon, or Cocytus.

EDIT: Or the East and Hudson River. For some unknown reasons, after the Titan War the river gods have been noticeably less tolerable of filthy monsters wading in.

Section 3

Knowing Your Prey

A. What is a demigod? A demigod is the impure offspring between a god and a mortal, known also as a half-blood or godling. Despite their non-celestial blood, a half-blood may receive one or more traits/powers from their godly parent.

B. Levels of Varying Danger.

Children of Zeus—Warning: do not engage. Run and pray for mercy.

Children of Poseidon—Dangerous, but often easily angered and distracted. Do not engage alone.

Children of Hades—Highly volatile and deadly. Avoid.

Children of Hera—Has no demigod offspring, but does elect a champion once every few centuries; be wary.

Children of Demeter—Non-threatening, fairly peaceful. Not worth the effort.

Children of Hestia—(none)

Children of Aphrodite—see Demeter above.

Children of Apollo—Often favor the long ranged weapon, getting in close will not be easy.

Children of Artemis—None, but be on alert for her Hunters. They attack swiftly and silently and without mercy. Travel in public areas or through sewage to avoid confrontation.

Children of Hephaestus—Strong children and the makers of most half-blood weapons; kill at all cost.

Children of Hermes—Clever and silent; use caution.

Children of Athena—The wisest of all demigods; possibly more dangerous than that of Zeus's offspring.

C. Half-bloods are often equipped with celestial bronze or imperial gold. Each is highly dangerous to monsters but harmless to humans, only difference being imperial gold will burn as it slices through you and celestial bronze will be swift and leave an icy feeling of dread as it is stabbed into you repeatedly.

EDIT: After Tammi the Empousa so generously gave herself up to test this theory, I have recently discovered a typo and it is the celestial bronze that burns, not the imperial gold. Thank you, Tammi, for being so devoted and sacrificial, however, I strongly suggest that you call 1-(666)-012-TALK.

D. Take comfort in the fact that a god will never interfere with your attacks. They might wish to, but they won't. They, along with their children, consider us as "tests," and will never get involved so long as you do not rub their child's defeat in their faces.

*Believe it or not, this is a very common occurrence, and—I beg of you—please use common sense. You've already been cursed once, don't tempt them to do so again.

EDIT: Gaea has recently put up a bounty for whoever captures two members of the Seven, one boy and one girl. I repeat, Gaea has recently put up a bounty for whoever captures two members of the Seven, one boy and one girl. Now is your chance to rise up and fight and use the information I've given you to your advantage. May the Fates be kind to you and may you succeed on your quest.

EDIT OF EDIT: BOUNTY NOT WORTH IT, I REPEAT BOUNTY NOT WORTH IT.

E. When approached with opportunity of joining an army, be it Kronos's or Gaea's or anyone else's, it would be in your best interest to accept. This is your best chance at extracting your revenge and living to tell the tale.

EDIT: Ignore paragraph E of section 3. After recent developments in the Giant War, I and the rest of the board have come to the conclusion that monster armies never work and most likely will not for the foreseeable future until the Fates say otherwise.

Thank you for the purchase of this manual. I hope it delays your inevitable death for as long as possible. If you have any complaints or questions, please contact me at my office, 1-(666)-875-8065.

I…

Humor just really isn't my strong suit.

Sorry.