The weather was beautiful as the sun shined bright over the Seattle, slight wind ruffled the trees and warm spring air invaded almost every household in Seattle. It was rare in Seattle to have such a beautiful day with no sign of upcoming rain anywhere. Suddenly it seemed so unfair.
The taxi stopped in front of dreamhouse in the middle of nowhere. The sunlight fell over the trees to the house and the green meadow surrounding it. An elder woman exited the car with her small overnight bag firmly in hand. She stepped towards the house she had always wanted to visit, but never did, until now. She walked past the driveway, where multiple cars had been parked and she knew that it meant visitors, but she didn't expect anything else.
As she passed the driveway and stepped onto the porch she noticed the swing. It was welcoming her to sit down and enjoy the bright sunlight, perhaps hold her grandchild in her lap and tell her about the time, when her daddy and aunts were small. Something about from a happier time, but she wasn't sure if she could remember one of those good times at that moment.
She lifted her hand to open the door, but she decided to knock instead – she was still a visitor and she wasn't sure if they expected her.
So she knocked twice on the wooden door. As she waited she looked inside and saw people gathered in the living room, but she failed to see the person she needed to see.
The door opened.
A male with short hair and long sleeved dark blue shirt opened it.
"Hello," he said.
"Hi," Carolyn Shepherd said.
"You're Derek's and Amelia's mother," the man said and opened the door wide. "I'm Alex," he said and held his hand out for the older woman.
"You work with Meredith," Carolyn remembered, but she never caught his name during her last visit.
Alex nod and took Carolyn's overnight bag as they entered the living room. She dropped her jacket on top of the pile on one of the chairs and her eyes scanned the room.
3 females were sitting on the couch, one of them shorter with dark skin, next to her sat a blonde woman and then there was dark haired Hispanic woman. On the armchair sat dr. Owen Hunt, whom Carolyn met during her last visit. Tall handsome man with tanned skin stood behind the armchair with his arm around a redhaired woman. In another armchair sat another dark skinned younger woman with black curly hair. In front of her on the ground were Bailey, Zola and another girl around Zola's age, who were playing quietly. Everything about that room screamed of despair, loss and extreme sadness.
"It's…" Alex started to introduce their next guest, but Amelia stopped her.
"Mom," Amelia exclaimed.
She was standing behind kitchen counter with older dark skinned male, but Amelia rushed towards her mother the moment she noticed her.
"Derek's mother, Mrs. Shepherd," Alex finished rather quietly.
He sat on the edge of the couch next to shortest woman, who instantly welcomed Alex there.
"Amelia," Carolyn said, when her daughter reached her and she pulled her daughter into her embrace.
"Derek's dead, mom," Amelia sobbed.
"I know, honey," Carolyn said and ran her hands soothingly on Amelia's back.
Carolyn held her sobbing daughter in her embrace and glanced over the room once more. She noticed that many of the guests had puffy red eyes and dried teardrops on their cheeks, while the blonde woman sobbed openly with the Hispanic woman next to her tried to comfort, but that led to fresh batch of tears falling down her own cheeks.
The older black man, who had been in the kitchen with Amelia, joined the rest in the living room area. He stood behind the couch and silently observed the scene.
"How are you holding up?" Carolyn asked Amelia.
"I'm not on drugs if you mean that," Amelia snapped. She pulled away from her mother and stood a few steps from the older woman.
"I meant how are you doing with Derek's…" She started, but Amelia but up her hand at the mention of Derek's name.
"Every male I've ever loved is dead, so I'm doing great," Amelia said sarcastically, the tears were on her cheeks, but she gave the best smile she could.
Carolyn tilted her head. Amelia shook her head and ran out of the room to the balcony. They could see her sitting on the porch swing through the windows.
People exchanged looks as they were not sure if someone should follow Amelia or not.
"Let's give her some space," Owen Hunt suggested.
Carolyn looked around the room and realized that she had met some of the people the last time she was there, but most were still new faces.
"I assume you're all here for my daughter," Carolyn said as she tried to put out the awkward silence in the room.
"And for Meredith," Alex added.
"She is the wife of my son, she's a daughter to me as well," Carolyn said.
"Derek was a good friend, it's a tremendous loss," the Hispanic woman on the couch said.
"Yes. I never imagined I'd have to bury a kid and I've lost two in a few years," Carolyn said sadly.
"Two?" Owen Hunt asked, he couldn't remember Amelia telling him about losing a sister.
"Mark Sloan was like a son to me," Carolyn replied. "There were times, when I found it hard to believe that I didn't give birth to him."
"We're all devastated and truly sorry for your loss," the woman in armchair with black curly hair said sincerely.
"Thank you, dear," Carolyn replied.
She looked around the room like she was searching for something or rather someone. She kept on looking at the people, but she seemed it odd, that she couldn't remember any of the names – if she had known them at all.
"Oh, I'm Alex, these are doctors Bailey, Arizona, Callie, Jackson, April, Owen, Maggie and Richard. We all work together at Grey-Sloan," Alex quickly introduced the people in the room and the person whose name was called waved. "And of course you know Zola and Bailey, and there's also Sofia – Mark's daughter," Alex added.
"Very nice to meet you all," Carolyn said politely and looked over the people. She still didn't recall seeing most of them the last time she visited.
"Doctor Bailey?" Carolyn asked after a moment.
"Yes?" Bailey replied with small hesitation.
"My grandchild is named after you?" Carolyn asked to clarify the coincidence of two people with same name.
Bailey nod. Carolyn silently asked for an explanation as she had missed a lot of her son's life in Seattle and she had an opportunity to stay with the people, who spent the most time with Derek, so this was her chance to learn about his life, even though he was taken from her.
"There was this great storm and of course Meredith went into labor during power outage and she had C-section in this o.r. lightened by some flashlights. Some hours before she gave birth, she had a fall and it caused a massive splenic bleed. I had to remove it," Bailey blabbered.
Carolyn was confused by Bailey's explanation, so Alex came to her aid. "Bailey saved Meredith's life and they decided to name their newborn after her," he said.
"It's a nice thing to do. Where is my daughter-in-law?" Carolyn finally asked.
Everybody exchanged looks.
Carolyn gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. "Did something happen to Meredith too?" she asked, but regretted it the moment words came out of her mouth, because she realized that she didn't want to know if Meredith wasn't fine.
"Nothing happened to Meredith," Alex said quickly.
Carolyn let out a heavy breath, happy that her grandchildren had at least one parent.
"Except she passed out," Callie commented.
"It was just a dehydration. After what she had to do, I wouldn't have remembered to drink something either," Arizona said quickly.
"So Meredith is in a hospital?" Carolyn asked again.
"No," Alex replied.
"She's upstairs, but she wants to be alone," Maggie explained.
Carolyn nod. She moved towards the stairs.
"I assume she's in the master bedroom?" Carolyn asked.
"She has been since we got here," Callie said.
"But she doesn't want to be interrupted. Meredith has always had to deal with these things alone and I think it's better to leave her be for the moment," Richard explained.
Everybody looked anxiously at Mrs. Shepherd, who didn't seem to care about Meredith's wish to be alone. Alex and Bailey, who were closest to her even seemed to be ready to physically stop her.
"I understand, but no one should be alone in this situation. There's nothing anyone could say, but I'm gonna go up there and see Meredith. She needs all the support she can get, as do Amelia and all of her sisters. For now, I'm gonna go up there and talk to another Mrs. Shepherd, who lost her husband way too soon," Carolyn said with all the confidence.
"I'm gonna go check on Amelia," Owen said and got up. He exited the house and joined Amelia on the balcony.
Since no one protested Carolyn walked up the stairs. She still heard part of the conversation happening downstairs.
"We're just gonna let this woman go to her?" Callie asked.
"Yes. She might have some more insight than we do," Alex said calmly. He crossed the room and sat down on the armchair, where Owen had been sitting earlier.
"What do you mean? We have worked together with them for a decade, I mean we've seen all the drama around their relationship from the panties on the bulletin board through vets and nurses to the birth of their son in the middle of this superstorm. We know them better than Derek's mother could," Callie rambled.
"She lost her husband too, probably around the same age as Meredith is now. Let them be," Alex said calmly.
The rest of the conversation faded out as Carolyn knocked on the master bedroom – the only room upstairs with fully closed the door.
"Meredith," she said from outside the room.
The room was silent. In all honesty, Carolyn didn't expect to hear an answer from inside. She opened the door slowly and entered, silently closing the door after herself.
Meredith was still wearing her blue checkered button-up and black jeans. She was lying on her side, with one hand over left side of the bed which Carolyn assumed was Derek's side. Meredith didn't look up from the bed and Carolyn doubted she registered her presence at all.
"Meredith," she said softly.
Meredith didn't reply.
Carolyn walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, where Derek used to sleep.
"Honey, how are you holding up?" Carolyn asked, not expecting an answer. So she was positively surprised, when Meredith replied.
"I'm fine," Meredith said coarsely.
Carolyn chuckled to the best of her abilities in the moment. "My son complained to me about that once. How you're always fine, even after something tragic has happened. It's just you and me here, so you can drop the act. You must be devastated, I know I am," Carolyn said seriously.
Meredith lifted her head from the bed and looked at the older woman. Carolyn looked just the same as the last time she met her. True, her hair was shorter, she had a couple of more wrinkles on her face and her eyes were red from either taking the late flight or from crying, that Meredith couldn't tell with certainty.
"I just lost my husband, of course I'm devastated," Meredith snapped. "But it's not just me. My kids lost a father. Zola keeps asking when Daddy is coming back home and Bailey's still so young that he might not remember Derek at all. They're down to one parent, so I can't be devastated, I have to be fine," Meredith explained.
"Honey, you have room full of people to help you through this period. It's okay to feel helpless, to be sad and to think it's only you," Carolyn said softly. "But you're not alone. You have your friends and you have a family. Derek might be gone, but his sisters will still be your family, just like I will expect you over every Christmas and Thanksgiving or whenever you feel like visiting."
"All the people in the world can't bring Derek back," Meredith snapped.
"No," Carolyn agreed.
Meredith's head fell back to the bed, where she stared into the emptiness.
"You're going over the last thing Derek said to you, the last thing you said to him. Probably trying to remember you last kiss, how it felt to be with him," Carolyn said.
"Okay," Meredith replied.
Carolyn looked at Meredith, not quite understanding what she meant.
"The last thing he said to me," Meredith clarified. "I'll be back before you even know it. That was the last thing Derek said before he left that morning," she continued.
Meredith sat up on the bed. She leaned against the headboard and pulled her knees against her chest. "I didn't say that I love him that morning. Of all the mornings I chose that one not to say it. I don't even remember the last time I said it," she said weakly.
"Derek knew you love him, just as he loves you," Carolyn tried.
"Loved me," Meredith corrected bitterly. "He's dead."
Carolyn sat fully on the bed and took Meredith's hand in hers. Meredith had formed a fist with her other hand, which was above her knee.
"I met Christopher on a dance floor, when I was still in high school. He was the first and only guy I've ever loved. I was married to him for amazing 21 years, during which he gave me wonderful 5 kids. I wouldn't change the time for anything, but even now I keep going over the times we had together. Sometimes I feel like he's still here, even though he has been dead longer than our marriage lasted. I had a fight with him that morning about something silly. I yelled at him to bring home more milk when he left. The next time I saw him was in a morgue," Carolyn said.
Despite doing her best to ignore the other woman, Meredith listened to her, because Derek had talked about his father seldom and even then it was more about when he died.
"I still keep replaying that fight in my head," Carolyn confessed. "But I also keep replaying the conversation with Derek and Amelia after the shooting. I don't think there's anything harder than telling my kids that their father is dead, maybe only hearing that two of my kids saw their father getting shot."
"I know your marriage to my son lasted only few years and you've been together for a short time. I know my son loved you and your kids more than anything. During his time in DC, Derek came to visit me a couple of times. He was miserable and tired. I told him to look at his life and if it wasn't working, then he should shut up and fix it. He called me a week later from Seattle. It took Derek more time than I anticipated, but he realized that family is more important than any job," Carolyn said sadly.
"We were married for six years. Well, legally 4 years," Meredith said. She opened her hand, which was still in fist and revealed an engagement ring inside. Carolyn recognized the ring in an instant – it was once given to her as well.
"I gave that ring to Derek when I was last here. I knew you were the one," Mrs. Shepherd said with a sad smile.
"And what's the use of it now?" Meredith asked, her voice trembled.
"It's yours, given to you by your husband, who got it from his mother. Maybe one day you'll give it to your son to give to love of his life," Mrs. Shepherd said. "Or maybe you'll find comfort in the ring, wearing it, looking at it…"
"I don't even wear my wedding band. Neither did Derek," Meredith said.
Mrs. Shepherd looked at Meredith's hand and saw no ring and no ring line as well. To think of it, she didn't remember Derek wearing ring either. She herself was still wearing her wedding band around her finger.
"It didn't mean that your marriage was less meaningful," Carolyn said.
Meredith shook her head, the moment she signed the post-it now hanging over her bed, she was married and it was more of a marriage than any official paper would have made her feel. Meredith knew that Derek loved her and she loved him as well. They finally had everything.
And then he went out and got himself killed.
"You're angry," Mrs. Shepherd stated.
Meredith shook her head.
"No, you are. You're angry at Derek?" she asked.
Meredith rolled her eyes.
"Fine, I am angry at him. He was back home, we were in a good place. Few days ago he wanted to have another kid. Everything was so well and now…" Meredith said angrily. Derek was gone.
"Honey, you have every right to be angry, but just remember this, no amount of anger will bring him back. The anger will only hurt you. I know, I've been there," Mrs. Shepherd said with compassion.
"Well, I'm also angry at the half-assed doctors, who have lost their brains and abilities to be doctors. They couldn't do their job and now Derek is gone because of that," Meredith lashed out.
"Darling, you own a hospital. You can do everything to make sure, that next generation will be taught better," Carolyn said.
After Derek's death, Meredith was getting his shares as well and that gave her bigger portion of Grey-Sloan Hospital.
Meredith nodded. She closed her fingers around the ring still in her palm.
"What about our kids?" Meredith asked.
Mrs. Shepherd was oddly sad, because she could see Meredith holding back tears. It was okay to cry, but Meredith didn't do that, but Carolyn knew that she would do that once she was alone.
"Mine were older, when Christopher got shot. Maybe that made it just a little bit easier. I knew they'd remember their father and I knew that they loved him. During the hardest of times, they helped me much more than they probably realized," Carolyn said.
"Alex is here with mine. Alex, Maggie and Amelia are great help, because I wouldn't be able to do this alone. Their faces in the hospital, when I had to tell them were so sad. I don't think Bailey understood what I was saying, but Zola did," Meredith said.
"Bailey resembles Derek, when he was little. Except his hair of course, he had always dark hair," Carolyn said, thinking of all the pictures of her grandson.
"I see Derek in him," Meredith said with the faintest of smiles.
"Let your kids help you. Their presence will get you through this," Carolyn said.
"I know, I just need to be alone right now," Meredith snapped.
Carolyn nodded and took the hint. "I'll be downstairs with your friends, if you need me," she said, got up from the bed, gave one last look at this broken figure of Meredith Grey. She took a deep breath and left. On her way down, somebody rushed up. Carolyn tried to warn the woman, but she didn't care.
Cristina didn't knock, she just marched in.
"I saw McMama was here," Cristina said.
"Yeah, she was," Meredith said from her spot on the bed.
Cristina took a seat on the other side of bed, she dropped her bag on her bed.
"I have tequila," Cristina stated.
"Good," Meredith replied.
"Do you want to have some?"
"No," Meredith replied.
"Do you wanna hug?" Cristina asked.
"No," Meredith replied again.
"Do you wanna cry?" Cristina asked warily.
Meredith shook her head.
"Do you want me to leave?" she asked.
"No, stay," Meredith said.
"All right then," Cristina said. She got comfortable on the bed, positioned herself by Meredith's side and stayed there. She took the tequila bottle from her bag and drank some, Meredith refused.
"Derek is dead," Meredith said.
"Yeah," Cristina replied.
They stayed there together. Cristina slowly drank the tequila until the day turned into night and the Sun went away. The lights were on downstairs, but the bedroom stayed dark. Nobody dared to enter the bedroom, not even Alex.
At some point Cristina fell asleep with half of bottle of tequila by her side, but Meredith stayed awake. In the dark, she could pretend, that Derek was there, she could hear his voice, see his face. Sometime later, when the voices from downstairs quieted and footsteps disappeared. Few cars were heard leaving.
Cristina breathed evenly at Derek's side of the bed, Meredith was still awake at hers. She opened her fingers again and showed the ring Derek gave her. She kept replaying her conversations with Derek, the ones before he gave her the ring, until he gave her that and she accepted it. The ring she never really wanted, but the ring, that means everything now.
The ring one Mrs. Shepherd got from his husband, who then died way too early. The ring passed on to another Mr. Shepherd, who gave it to the love of his life and then he died way to early as well. And one day Meredith will give it to Bailey to give to his love. And Meredith hoped that Bailey would live longer, that he won't leave his wife way too early. Meredith hoped that the family tradition would end with Derek.
With heaviness in her, Meredith closed her eyes and pretended that Cristina was Derek. His voice filled her head and she clutched the ring he gave her.
She might never love again, but at least she had one great love in her life. One great love for Derek.